The Midlife Reframe

Tag: runner

  • I’m Hanging Up My Racing Shoes

    This has been a decision I’ve been struggling with for some time now.

    I’ve had some amazing experiences racing (hello Team Myles!!) and have accumulated some hardware that hangs in my front hall.

    I’m not stopping running, just the racing.

    I started out running for the pure fun in 2011, and as it sits right now, the whole racing aspect has turned into a chore. I want to run for the fun of it again.

    I’ve been struggling with perimenopause and my runs have sometimes been a ride on the struggle bus. Trying to adapt to this new experience has been rough.

    My brain has also been struggling with the whole race idea and the pressure I put in myself can be tremendous. I have even deleted my Strava account so I don’t stress out about where and when I run.

    It’s time to give myself a break and run for the fun of it again. To find the joy in movement.

    I’ll probably volunteer at races, just to see the joy of others finishing their races will be enough to fill my bucket.

    So if you see me out and about, say hey!

    I’ll be cruising the trails around my area and out at the BLT.

  • And So We Begin Again

    My first Parkrun, but starting out walking

    So.

    Running.

    Haven’t been doing it regular like.

    Decided I really need to, for my mental health more than anything.

    So this weekend I went to my first Parkrun.

    For those of you who are unfamiliar, Parkrun is a free timed 5k event run by volunteers. You register, get a barcode, and take that barcode with you to the event.

    You can run, walk, or run/walk the event. At the end you scan your barcode and the chip they give you. Your time is recorded and that’s it!

    I was thankful to run into friends for my first time around. We started out walking and the did a nice slow pace for running. It was a great way to get back into something I’ve been doing since 2011. I really moss getting out and hitting the pavement for some stress relief.

    I’ll be taking it slow and steady through the winter months, hopefully building up a good base for the spring/summer.

    I am looking at races and may wait until the spring/summer to tackle those, we’ll see how the winter treats me!

    For now, some small trips around the neighbourhood and Parkrun on Saturdays to start.

    So glad I took the first step this weekend.

    Here’s to more KMs under my belt!

  • Don’t Come At Me With Your “Diets“

    Or your cleanses. Or your meal plans. Or your supplements.

    I’ve tried lots of things for my body over the years. I’ve also not given my body the respect it deserves. I’ve treated it badly and denied it what it needs to sustain me.

    Even during training for races, I know I haven’t eaten enough. I was too worried about “getting bigger”, instead of worrying about “am I fuelling my body correctly?”

    I really realized during the pandemic how much I was neglecting giving my body the nutrients and calories it needed to keep me going. I was tired, bogged down, and just plan flatlining with everything I was doing.

    Am I bigger now? Yes. Do I really care? No. Can I still be active? Yes.

    I know that I am healthy. I do not have a medical condition that requires any special diets, like celiac or diabetes. I am very lucky.

    It’s time to start taking care of me in a way that’s GOOD for me. No more stressing over calories. Eating good food and moving is what is important.

    Don’t say I need a cleanse…your liver does that for you. Don’t say I need a specific fitness diet…I am not a pro athlete. Don’t say I need supplements…because I don’t.

    If I am not feeling right, I see my doctor, we get bloodwork done and she will tell me what I need to do to get back on track. If it is nutrition we need to work on, she can refer me to someone.

    I’m done neglecting and disrespecting my body. I eat for me and I move for me.

    I know what works for my body, and I am driving this machine. I know what’s good for it.

    Let me navigate this road as I see fit, for me.

  • Been a While

    I realized today that it has been a while since I’ve posted.

    Things are moving along. I am still in therapy. Learning a lot about myself.

    My daughter is doing better. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we are navigating this together. She is struggling with what she wants to do with her life now that she’s aware of her diagnosis and what that means.

    One step forward, two steps back. it’s a learning process for us both.

    I think we are finally heading into Spring here on the East Coast of Canada. Hoping to see some double digit temperatures soon.

    We signed up for a 5km race for the Bluenose Marathon next month, and we’ll see how that race goes. The struggle with our mental illnesses and getting moving has been real.

    The winter months were hard this year. Usually I can power through them. This year however, all I wanted to do was hibernate. Glad they are over!

    Our newest addition Eggs Benedict is still as feisty as he was the day we brought him home last summer. We think there may be some Siamese in him, but hard to confirm since he came from a hoarding situation. He is super loveable and adds much joy to our home.

    For now, we keep soaking up the sunny days and give ourselves some grace when it’s needed.

    Come back soon. I am full of words that are waiting to come out when I’m ready…..which will be in the next week.

  • Running? Really?

    I ran an actual “in person” race recently. It was a small event, with three different distances (4km, 6km, 8km). It was a lot of beach running.

    I did the 4km distance because who am I kidding, my running has been subpar lately. I knew in my inner being that the smallest distance would be the best choice for my disengaged body/mind.

    I drove down with my fellow co-founder of Road Warriors, Shannon. We booked a motel room for the night and made it into a girls road trip.

    The views from the motel were amazing, and we were super close to the beach.

    Sunset

    My run was a struggle. I fought my mind and body the whole way. There was no connection, no endorphin rush and no joy. I ran my worst 4km run ever.

    I’d like to blame it on running in the sand, in not fuelling properly (not a lot of restaurants where we were – hello, Subway for supper), in not training enough.

    Truth is, it was just a crappy run. One I struggled with. Mentally, I couldn’t fight the defeat in my head. Physically, my body listened to my brain. Complete disconnect from my soul.

    My win from this: I finished it, even when I seriously thought of running into the ocean and not finishing the race at all.

    I am starting another running journey soon, and I am really looking forward to the challenge and the sense of community it will bring.

    Keep your eyes peeled for posts on my next adventure, starting up next week!

  • Weighted

    I’ve gained weight. Gone up 4 sizes as a matter of fact.

    It’s happened over the past few years.

    As part of my journey to self acceptance, I’ve struggled with this extra weight on my body.

    Societal issues with body image has done a number on my head, and it hasn’t been easy accepting where I am at right now.

    Being gentle with myself isn’t easy. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my body.

    Mentally, it’s even worse. Having been in an emotionally abusive long term relationship does a number on you. Seeing rolls meant I would come under fire. But being “skinny” meant I was also a target for other men’s attention. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Always under fire, always on alert.

    That has stuck with me for a very long time.

    I have been thankful lately to the body positivity movement for shifting the narrative.

    Shifting my narrative is going to take some time. Acknowledging that my body is a power house is my first step. I’ve harboured a human life in this body. I’ve run half marathons with this body. I am surviving a pandemic with this body. I will continue to do great things with this body, no matter what.

    Instead of trying to “get back to where I was”, I am working with what I have. I still run, I still workout. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I am focused on staying strong and healthy.

    Starting now, I am treating my body with kindness instead of disdain. It deserves kindness, and I deserve kindness, especially after all these years thinking I HAD to look a certain way to be accepted.

    I may not be a “perfect 10”, but goddammit I am a “perfect 14”.

  • So Done

    Full of fatigue.

    Lacking motivation.

    Fighting my depression.

    Navigating this pandemic.

    I’m so done. Done with feeling like I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling.

    I go in circles. A time where I’m feeling good and think I have everything under some semblance of control. I can handle a lot of things I cannot during a period of depression. I thrive during these times. Then comes the depression and I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my thought process. Everything I do is wrong.

    This pandemic has made my depression periods more frequent, but in brief spurts and they hit me like truck. My circles become more chaotic and the times between my thrive and slump get shorter. I’m fighting against a strong undertow and it exhausts me.

    I know this is drilled down to exceptional circumstances. I know this pandemic is affecting me in ways I can’t control. I’m facing this every day, this lack of control.

    I try and step back, to see what is the underlying fear, and how can I work with that to move forward. It’s not easy, and sometimes there is no working with it. It is fear, and I need to feel it.

    I recently found out I was at a COVID exposure site, and had to self isolate while waiting to get a test and the results. I was scared the whole time. One trip to pick up my lunch may have landed me in viral swamp, putting others at risk as well.

    During that time, I couldn’t run. My coping mechanism was off limits. There were other ways of working out, but running lets me unwind in a different way. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but the ability to lace up is still my number one way to solve the overthinking brain.

    Thankfully my test results were negative and I could het back to “normal”.

    I am also lucky that I was able to book my vaccine, and I go in 10 days.

    I am very lucky, and I acknowledge that.

    I am just done with all of it. The pandemic, the damage and heartache it has caused, the fighting with my mental illness, watching people disrespect public health orders, all of it.

    I am done.

    But I will live to fight another day.

    I am lucky. So many others are not.

    I wish you love, health, and happiness.

    Stay safe.

  • I’m Scared to Death

    Just back from Cuba. I am well rested and full of anxiety!

    On Monday, I am starting a new position. I will be the Manager of my group. To say I’m not scared would be a big fat lie. I’m scared to death.

    It’s not that I will be working with a whole new group of people. I’m not. It’s the fact that I will be managing my former colleagues. I will be responsible for making decisions regarding my group and it’s direction.

    I know I’m capable. I know I can do this job. I deserve it. But that big self doubt monster looms over me like a raging thunderstorm. I fight with it every day, but even more so now.

    A big thing I struggle with is my confidence. I always think I am not good enough and that struggle will drain me some days. My depression likes to yell obscenities at me and turn me into a big pile of goo.

    So, every day when I get up, I have to remind myself that I’m a capable human being. It’s part of why running is important to my well being. It reminds me of what I can accomplish, what I’m capable of.

    Keeping myself focused and moving forward is my daily goal right now.

    And yes, I will go back and re-read my own posts to remind myself that I can get out of my own way.

    On my darkest days, I need these reminders.

  • I’m Still Tired, Dammit

    It is finally sunny (and will be for more than a day) and I am still tired

    I am usually a solar powered human.

    The rain depleted me so very badly the last week.

    It’s going to take me a while to power back up, even with the extra vitamin D I took last week.

    Also, still being injured and not being able to run at all this weekend is a major bummer. I was able to do active recovery, but it just isn’t the same.

    I am moving around a lot more today, but a lot of it is nervous energy. My brain is firing on all cylinders.

    I feel like I am housing a tornado.

    I always question why I am so tired, and have to remind myself that my constant battle with my illness and the meds will make me tired. Some days are harder than others.

    I sometimes forget the physical aspect of my mental illness. It can be easy when you are in an okay spot. You forget how much it can hurt, can drag you down, can exhaust you.

    Pushing back can be tiring. On the harder days it can be downright defeating.

    But I get up, dust myself off and try again the next day.

    For now, I’ll forgive myself for being so tired, and remember that it won’t always be this exhausting.

    There is some good in my life right now, and that’s what I am focusing on.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day.

    Today is temporary. One moment of many.

    For now, the sun is shining 🙂

  • The Finger Saga Continues

    In case you are wondering, the glue on nails I used to try and save the skin around my fingernails could have been successful, had they been a little bit shorter.

    I spend all day on a computer at work and typing was a little bit cumbersome with the “real short” (not really) nails that I chose.

    They lasted almost a week, but I had to take them off because: typing. I was kind of sad, because I loved the french tip look of them.  My hands were super cute!

    I need to find the “tight fit” nails and give them a go.

    Needless to say, my fingers have suffered my wrath this week.  Two bloody ones and multiple chewed up ones.  Just when I thought they were getting a break.

    Sigh.

    I would try gel nails, but the cost and upkeep would be an added expense right now.

    So, if you want to try some glue on nails, I would recommend the KISS brand.  The Impress nails did not stand up to all the hand washing I do throughout the day.  The glue is required for maximum stick-age.

    Please pray for my fingers…and my brain.

    My brain is control here.  I need to remind it that my fingers don’t like bleeding.