The Midlife Reframe

Tag: run

  • I’m Scared to Death

    Just back from Cuba. I am well rested and full of anxiety!

    On Monday, I am starting a new position. I will be the Manager of my group. To say I’m not scared would be a big fat lie. I’m scared to death.

    It’s not that I will be working with a whole new group of people. I’m not. It’s the fact that I will be managing my former colleagues. I will be responsible for making decisions regarding my group and it’s direction.

    I know I’m capable. I know I can do this job. I deserve it. But that big self doubt monster looms over me like a raging thunderstorm. I fight with it every day, but even more so now.

    A big thing I struggle with is my confidence. I always think I am not good enough and that struggle will drain me some days. My depression likes to yell obscenities at me and turn me into a big pile of goo.

    So, every day when I get up, I have to remind myself that I’m a capable human being. It’s part of why running is important to my well being. It reminds me of what I can accomplish, what I’m capable of.

    Keeping myself focused and moving forward is my daily goal right now.

    And yes, I will go back and re-read my own posts to remind myself that I can get out of my own way.

    On my darkest days, I need these reminders.

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.

  • It’s Almost Winter

    Yes, I know in a lot of places there is snow and it’s cold (both here right now), but the calendar says: not yet.

    I both love and hate this time of year. I love the coziness of winter. The sweaters and blankets, the hot chocolate (and other toasty warm beverages), and the holidays.

    I am not a huge fan of the darkness this time of year. I find it drags me down. This is when I need to start making sure I get in physical activity so that I don’t get into a slump. It’s not as easy as it sounds, that last sentence. It’s hard. I just want to hibernate this time of year. But now, more than any other time, is when I need to kick my own ass and get it out the door as much as I can.

    I’ve signed up for the Resolution Run this year to keep me on top of myself, and of course there is the Solstice Run on the 21st (a run a good friend of mine has organized the past few years to #FightTheDark). I have a 15k race planned for June, and should try and get another distance in between those so I don’t loose momentum.

    Taking 2018 off of running races was both good and bad. Good for my body, and kind of good for my mind, but bad for my momentum, lol.

    I know that others find this time of year hard, for many reasons, and we all need to be mindful that not everyone can “get out of the funk”.

    So, please, try not to belittle someone’s feelings when they just aren’t “festive” during the holidays. They may be struggling just to make it through the day.

    The darkness can really be hard on those who suffer from mental illness, both during the holidays, and after.

    Let’s try and support each other as much as we can through this season.

  • Swimming Against the Current

    I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?

    Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.

    It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.

    You think you are making headway.

    You look up.

    You’re in the same spot.

    You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.

    Same. Fucking. Spot.

    This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.

    (Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)

    I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.

    I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.

    I can’t control much of anything.

    But I can ‘keep swimming’.

    Even if it is upstream.

    @crazymamaruns

  • It’s Okay to Just Survive

    Hello January

    This time of year can be rough.

    Everyone is talking about their resolutions.

    Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life:  weight loss, gym memberships, etc.

    This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.

    I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing.  This year I am just continuing on with my journey.  A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.

    It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon.  I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.

    With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk.   I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally.  I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up,  and my calves are still a tad cranky.  Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.

    I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness.  Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution.  Mental illness is complicated.

    Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me.  I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate.  Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.

    One way to embrace the colder weather:  I can skate outside.  There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day.  I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]

    Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol

    I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day.  To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).

    So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned.  Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.

    Realistically, my moment in the journey is here:  I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Contemplating 2018

     

    So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.

    2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride.  Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.

    I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things.  Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.

    Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it.  So I am happy that that is the case.  Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.

    I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here 😉

    One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!).  My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration.  I need to take care of me.

    As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness.  How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind.  I just always try to be thankful for things I have.  This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.

    Have a wonderful holiday season.

    Hold those you love close.

    Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.

    Practice self care.

    Remember that NO ONE is perfect.  We don’t have to be.  It is the imperfections that make us individuals.

    Do not conform.  Be loud.

    Be you.

    No regrets.

    I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.

    I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

     

  • Running – For Me


    My last “official” race of 2017 was the Valley Harvest 5k.

    It was a warm day.  I had a head cold.  I managed 30 minutes and I was happy 😃

    I chose Valley Harvest because of the beautiful scenery in Wolfville…..and the blanket.


    Taking all expectation off of myself has given me back some of the joy I was missing when I ran.  The shorter distances have been a blessing as well.  My body was hungry for a break.

    Last weekend was a fun run to support Feed Nova Scotia at the Canada Games Centre.  It was a beautiful day, and a great turnout.

    I ran with a couple of my running peeps from the neighbourhood and we had a great run!  Plus, there was pie, Starbucks, and Booster Juice at the end 🙂

    I’ve run a couple of days this week during my lunch hour, and I felt great.  It’s bringing me back to the start.  My lunch runs are 3k and it’s the perfect distance.  I can get away from my desk, get the rush, and burn off some steam.


    I am finding my balance.

    Finding the joy.

    Running for me.

    @crazymamaruns

  • It’s My “Anniversary”!!! Sort of……

     

    So here we are.

    June.

    My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.

    I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons.  One being:  I have learned so much.  Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.

    I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).

    I know my limits.

    I know when to say no.

    I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.

    It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”.  You need to be in that space to put it out there.  I have no problem sharing my experiences.   Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice.  I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently.  I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”.  Because that does not help.  At all.  Shut down.

    Every person experiences this illness differently.  Copes with it differently.  Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.

    The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.

    This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.

    My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month.  Another shift in my time/space continuum.  Our dynamic will change again.  I have been mulling this over in my  head, probably more than I should, and even though  I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.

    I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉  She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay.  She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.

    I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11.  It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂

    So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!

    I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.

    One thing that won’t change:  Running 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • I’m Deficient

    Vitamin D3 deficiency.

    Never thought I would hear that as a result from my blood work.

    Google Search Image

    I didn’t have the insomnia issue, quite the opposite in fact.  I have been experiencing hair loss, but I have psoriasis on my scalp (and more recently in my ears), so I am used to some hair loss.  I have depression, but I didn’t feel hopeless or feel like I WANTED to stay in bed all day.  I was just SO TIRED.  Sleeping for 10 hours was doing nothing.  I still wanted to sleep.  *Sigh*

    I am so very thankful for my BRF Kara.  She got me through my 18km run last weekend.  We are a kickass team when we run together 🙂

    My BRF and I after that super tired 18kms.

    When I was at the doctor’s office I was shocked that this was my result.  I asked him if this could cause the extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping.  He said yes.

    He advised me to start Vitamin D3 supplements, 2000IU per day.  I should start feeling an improvement in a couple of weeks, and hopefully feel completely better in a month.

    I was relieved to be sure.  I had myself thinking it was  something awful.  Overthinking is my specialty 😉

    Pretty sure I’ve been a hot mess all week.  I have been so tired I’ve wanted to cry, and I almost have on quite a few occasions.

    Now, to reset and be thankful.  I’ll be fine to complete training and run my half in May!!

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Tired – So Very Tired

    How I am feeling, all the time (thanks for the demonstration Nala)

    At first, I thought I was fighting a cold.  I was congested and just feeling yucky.

    But this is week three.  I am no longer congested.

    I am tired.  So very tired.

    I am trying to stay awake.  It’s 7:00 pm as I write this post, and I could have curled up in bed half an hour ago.

    Writing this is keeping me awake.

    Last night I was in bed at 8:45pm.  Woke up at 6:00am today, feeling okay.  By the time 1:00pm rolled around, I was yawning.

    4 weeks out from my half marathon.  Ugh.

    This means a visit to the clinic tomorrow.  I need bloodwork.  I need a solution.

    In the meantime, I’ll soldier on.

    My last big long run is on Sunday, then the slow taper begins.

    I hope this is something that can be treated easily.  So many possibilities.

    Once I get my results back I’ll be posting again.  Keep your fingers crossed!

    @crazymamaruns