I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?
Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.
It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.
You think you are making headway.
You look up.
You’re in the same spot.
You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.
Same. Fucking. Spot.
This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.
(Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)
I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.
I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.
So, if you’ve been following along lately, you have been witness to my roller coaster, love/hate relationship with my fitness.
Having multiple injuries and running through them made my body go full stop.
Reality Check: I needed to stop.
I needed to reassess my body.
I needed a break.
Running through my injuries hell bent on finishing up a season took its toll on me not only physically, but mentally as well.
Not taking time to seriously work on the muscle weakness in my body just made it harder.
What I loved doing became something I was beginning to despise. I was associating it with pain.
It was becoming mentally exhausting to get myself motivated to run. To move. So different from the feelings I associated with my running. There was no more joy.
After taking a little break from everything, I took some time this weekend to think about what this year would look like for me.
It’s still a little up in the air right now, but I took the first step today. One minute plank.
Tomorrow will be step 2. I will decide whatever step that is when I wake up, lol.
Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life: weight loss, gym memberships, etc.
This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.
I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing. This year I am just continuing on with my journey. A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.
It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon. I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.
With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk. I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally. I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up, and my calves are still a tad cranky. Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.
I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness. Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution. Mental illness is complicated.
Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me. I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate. Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.
One way to embrace the colder weather: I can skate outside. There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day. I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]
Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol
I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day. To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).
So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned. Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.
Realistically, my moment in the journey is here: I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.
So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.
2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride. Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.
I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things. Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.
Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it. So I am happy that that is the case. Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.
I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here 😉
One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!). My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration. I need to take care of me.
As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness. How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind. I just always try to be thankful for things I have. This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
Hold those you love close.
Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.
Practice self care.
Remember that NO ONE is perfect. We don’t have to be. It is the imperfections that make us individuals.
Do not conform. Be loud.
Be you.
No regrets.
I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.
I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year 🙂
To say it’s been an easy few weeks would not be accurate. With work and home, and the time leading into the holidays, it’s been freaking exhausting. Not the physical type of exhaustion either, lol.
TeenThing is my mental illness mirror…as in she is more anxiety than depression. I’m pretty sure this means we balance each other out. It’s a good thing we both have a sense of humour, because I am pretty sure that has been a major player in how we have been getting through the initial medication stage. For example: I had to wake her up early this morning, so I nudged her awake and danced in her room until she woke up. Luckily she thinks I’m funny 😉
Today was our doctor visit, and she increased TeenThing’s med dosage. We should be able to see a difference in her anxiety within the next week or two. She is doing much better and I am so happy she asked for help when she did. Our doctor was very optimistic about her progress so far and for her treatment going forward. It has definitely put my mind at ease. She goes back in a month for another check in and then if all is well we should be good to go to move forward in her treatment.
For now, we are now focusing on getting her sorted with work and getting through the busy holiday season.
That being said, keep this in mind when you are frustrated and shopping/movie-ing/eating out over the next month: There are a lot of kids out there working in the stores/theatres/eating establishments. They don’t make the rules, or the prices, or the return/exchange policies. They are just doing what they have been trained to do. They are not trying to ruin your day. Please don’t be jerks.
I have been “unpacking” my compartmentalized boxes and working on me bit by bit. Something that is irritating and needs to stop is me chewing on the sides of my fingernails. It’s gross I know, but that is my illness manifesting itself as a habit and I have to get a hold on it.
In terms of physical fitness me: I have a new glute program to follow and will be back to some yoga classes this week at the gym. Any running I will be doing will be on the track, as I have some stretching and exercises to do prior to lacing up. I am also going to get back on track with my weights, as that has been haphazard at best. All of this will determine my race status going into 2019.
I must say, opening up my 2018 to regaining my strength and mental clarity has given me more flexibility with my schedule and I am really looking forward to it.
So, onward and upward! It’s almost time to get Christmas-y 🙂
We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.
I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.
A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week. One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.
Let’s be clear:
She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now. When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there. FOR MONTHS.
If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.
Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER. Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone. There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it. It really is about time people start thinking this way. I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.
I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It’s sad that I am used to it.
BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:
On the way home tonight I made a decision.
Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.
No judgement.
Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.
A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.
A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.
I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.
I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while. But I didn’t. All good on the Mama front for now.
A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.
As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.
We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.
I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.
I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.
After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol). As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits. We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.
Running has always been cathartic for me. I see things differently after a run. It gives me a fresh perspective on things. It connects me to my inner peace.
The reality of the situation is this: my body is out of balance. My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak. This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.
Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under. No one is harder on me, than me. Trust me on that.
The running community is a great source of support for me. I can draw strength and ask for advice. They do not judge. They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that. They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.
I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.
So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym. It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.
This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂
Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.
My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.
I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons. One being: I have learned so much. Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.
I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).
I know my limits.
I know when to say no.
I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.
It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”. You need to be in that space to put it out there. I have no problem sharing my experiences. Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice. I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently. I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”. Because that does not help. At all. Shut down.
Every person experiences this illness differently. Copes with it differently. Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.
The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.
This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.
My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month. Another shift in my time/space continuum. Our dynamic will change again. I have been mulling this over in my head, probably more than I should, and even though I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.
I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉 She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay. She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.
I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11. It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂
So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!
I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.
The weather was perfect. The energy was amazing. I was ready.
Hydration baby!
Once I got downtown, I ran into some of my running friends 🙂 We had a chat before they went our for their 10k.
I went into my training with the A/B/C plan in my head. A: Go for my best time. B: Go for my best time when I am not my best. C: Don’t die and finish, lol.
I went with my Plan B, and decided to hang out with the 2:15 Pace Bunny and see how it went.
I was concerned, I won’t lie. Not running the last few weeks of training really had me worried. Thankfully my PT and RMT told me I would be okay.
I was okay.
I felt good. I met a Twitter bud Shelley while running along Agricola Street. My body was feeling okay. After the first 5kms I went a little bit ahead of the Pace Bunny, but kept close enough to hear when we would take our walk breaks. I stayed out front until Point Pleasant Park and “the hill”. I wanted to walk it, mostly because I know when I hit my wall, and if walking that hill cut into my time, I was willing to save my legs to get me through until the end.
I caught up with the group on our way out of Point Pleasant and tried to stay with them as much as I could. Shelley and I met up again and we hung out for a bit until her knee got angry with her and she told me to soldier on.
I soldiered. I walked when I needed to.
I was treated to a dance and a hug by my friend Tab who was out there cheering all the runners on South Park Street 🙂
I chugged along until I hit the last couple of kms. I then ran into my Twitter friend Sherry who was volunteering at a water station. She ran with me until the corner of Citadel Hill (thanks girl!). Then I walked a bit, because this is “almost the end”. It’s downhill. Then the slow painful incline of Brunswick Street, lol.
I hoofed it down Cogswell Street, heard someone yelling my name (later found out who that was – another social media peep, Chantal!), and got down to Brunswick. I took a short walk break. Then started running again.
Not too long before the Finish Line I heard a familiar voice coming up beside me. Shelley had made it! We ran across the finish line together 🙂
Shelley and I heading into the Scotiabank Centre for some TLC (and I had a hankering for chocolate milk!)
I am lucky to have a good Sherpa Team waiting at the finish line of every race. My Mom and TeenThing 🙂
This race, as rough as it was for me the last few kilometres, reminded me why I love to run.
So if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you know that I announced that my half marathon on May 21st will be my last half marathon.
I struggled with this decision through training. Even though I started out strong, every bump in the road seemed like a mountain. Running started to become a burden. The thing I love was becoming something I did not look forward to.
It had nothing to do with my support team and my friends. They were the ones who helped me get my butt out the door. I could not have made it this far in my training without them!
I place a very high expectation on myself. When things don’t go as I think they SHOULD have, I can fall into a big black hole of self doubt that is not exactly fun.
The remainder of my race season is made up of shorter distance races.
I am in need of a reset.
During some of my solo training runs I went off the beaten path. I found that it was in those moments that I felt more at peace. I enjoyed myself.
I do believe that the trails are calling. More time in Mother Nature is required. I need it. My soul needs it. I need to find the joy in running again.
2018 will be about running for just for me. No concerns about pace, time, or serious training. I am going to run for fun. Find my love of lacing up early in the morning and being outside before the chaos of the day begins.
So, next weekend I hope to crush this last half marathon and enjoy the remainder of the year which will be filled with a few fun things including: TeenThing’s Prom, Graduation, and Graduation Trip (Hello SCOTLAND!).
The Midlife Reframe 