The Midlife Reframe

Tag: motherrunner

  • I’m Hanging Up My Racing Shoes

    This has been a decision I’ve been struggling with for some time now.

    I’ve had some amazing experiences racing (hello Team Myles!!) and have accumulated some hardware that hangs in my front hall.

    I’m not stopping running, just the racing.

    I started out running for the pure fun in 2011, and as it sits right now, the whole racing aspect has turned into a chore. I want to run for the fun of it again.

    I’ve been struggling with perimenopause and my runs have sometimes been a ride on the struggle bus. Trying to adapt to this new experience has been rough.

    My brain has also been struggling with the whole race idea and the pressure I put in myself can be tremendous. I have even deleted my Strava account so I don’t stress out about where and when I run.

    It’s time to give myself a break and run for the fun of it again. To find the joy in movement.

    I’ll probably volunteer at races, just to see the joy of others finishing their races will be enough to fill my bucket.

    So if you see me out and about, say hey!

    I’ll be cruising the trails around my area and out at the BLT.

  • And She Did It

    It’s been a few weeks since my 10km race.

    It’s taken me that long to process this journey, one that I needed to go on to find my running mojo again.

    Running with Team Myles was an amazing experience. One I will never forget.

    I’ve made some new running friends, and I’ve even joined a local running group which runs every Monday evening and hosts other running events.

    The thing I will have to keep in check though, is my brain. It is really having a hard time with me running again.

    It has tried to revolt. It even tells me how awful I am now that I am slower than I used to be. It whispers “why even bother?” in my ear.

    One thing that running with Team Myles has reiterated is that it is MY PACE that I run at. I’ve changed. My body has changed. My pace has changed, and that’s okay.

    Running is meant to be enjoyable for me. To get caught up in the time/pace vortex would just throw me into a mental space where my obsession would take over. I’ve been there before, and it’s not always good for me.

    Training for a race at my new pace was a great experience. Training with a group of people running at different paces really made me appreciate the effort put forth by every single person that showed up.

    That’s the whole point: showing up.

    Showing up for yourself.

    Acknowledging YOUR effort.

    Appreciating what the body is capable of. It’s an amazing piece of machinery.

    I am willing to keep at it, and to fight my brain telling me why I shouldn’t.

    They say running is a mental game.

    I’m at the start again, and each move will be a challenge.

    I just have to keep rolling the dice.

  • Team Myles Ambassador

    I’m a Team Myles Ambassador for 2021!

    I am very excited for this opportunity, because I had fallen off of the consistency wagon when it came to running. My mental health was suffering as a result.

    When I saw the moment applications were open, I jumped on it, not knowing if it would be accepted. Hoping that I would because I needed the running community once again.

    Team Myles 2021

    Much to my surprise, by mid-August, I received the email that I was in! I was so happy and excited to be a part of an amazing group of people working towards the same goal.

    We are all split into pods, and each pod is assigned a Mentor. We still have to come up with a pod name, but I have a great pod of peeps to keep me motivated!

    My Team Myles Pod!

    We started our training on a Tuesday evening at Citadel Hill here in Halifax. We had a meet and greet, with some great speakers, we warmed up and started our first training session. We ran intervals up and down Citadel Hill.

    I was proud (and surprised) that I was able to do the intervals and didn’t die, lol.

    Everyone can move at their pace, which is great. We all motivate and support each other.

    Our Saturday morning training is held in Point Pleasant Park. This is where we do our “long runs”. Such a beautiful spot. Our first run was 20mins today 1:1 intervals. I felt great afterwards!!

    I (and my brain) are excited to be starting this journey. I need to get back into a routine, and this is guiding me back into it.

    Come along with me and Team Myles here on the blog!! I’ll be sharing the good and the bad (because we know my brain won’t cooperate all of the time), and all the fun I’m going to have.

  • Running? Really?

    I ran an actual “in person” race recently. It was a small event, with three different distances (4km, 6km, 8km). It was a lot of beach running.

    I did the 4km distance because who am I kidding, my running has been subpar lately. I knew in my inner being that the smallest distance would be the best choice for my disengaged body/mind.

    I drove down with my fellow co-founder of Road Warriors, Shannon. We booked a motel room for the night and made it into a girls road trip.

    The views from the motel were amazing, and we were super close to the beach.

    Sunset

    My run was a struggle. I fought my mind and body the whole way. There was no connection, no endorphin rush and no joy. I ran my worst 4km run ever.

    I’d like to blame it on running in the sand, in not fuelling properly (not a lot of restaurants where we were – hello, Subway for supper), in not training enough.

    Truth is, it was just a crappy run. One I struggled with. Mentally, I couldn’t fight the defeat in my head. Physically, my body listened to my brain. Complete disconnect from my soul.

    My win from this: I finished it, even when I seriously thought of running into the ocean and not finishing the race at all.

    I am starting another running journey soon, and I am really looking forward to the challenge and the sense of community it will bring.

    Keep your eyes peeled for posts on my next adventure, starting up next week!

  • Running, In The Time of COVID

    Or…..not running?

    I have been struggling lately. I haven’t been running as much as I would like. Honestly, it’s been a while.

    I have some really bad anxiety when I go outside. If I do want to go for a run, it needs to be early in the morning so I am not around that many people. I am so nervous that I am going to unexpectedly turn a corner and run into someone. It really weighs on my mind, and I have pretty much played out all the possible scenarios in my head of what could happen (i.e. I’ll get hit by a car because I move onto the street to give a wide berth to those on the sidewalk).

    I know for me, getting outside and moving is important for my mental health. I am working from home right now, so it’s a break I need from the inside of my apartment. It’s all I see, from Sunday to Saturday, the inside of my apartment. The only other break from “the inside”, is when I go to get groceries.

    What does being inside all the time do?? Well, my hibernation mode sets in, and that’s not a good thing. My brain goes “Meh, outside is overrated.” “Look at all the things you need to do INSIDE.” “Nobody needs to see you slogging around out there.” Then, it begins to tug at my motivation, and it burns that wick down quickly. My get up and go, got up and went.

    I even fell off the yoga wagon. That was my equalizer. Now I am off balance.

    One wagon I did not fall off of, was the depression wagon. That wagon has me as a full time passenger. This is the voice behind hibernation mode. This is the voice that is winning because of the stress and anxiety I am experiencing.

    I know I can change this. I know that I CAN run outside without being pummelled by Covid (and people). It’s convincing my depression and my anxiety that I can do it. That’s not such an easy task.

    I have signed up for a virtual race in July, and my race in September, that has been postponed until 2021, will be having some sort of virtual event the same weekend of the race. I am hoping that these events will give me that little push to get moving regularly again.

    Now, I just need to have a chat about this whole situation with my mental illness. Wish me luck!

  • Because I Need to be Reminded: Why I Run

    If I had seen someone running (summer or winter) around 11 years ago I would have told you those people were nuts. Who would do that to themselves?

    I was a self proclaimed couch potato, and a single mom, working a stressful job.

    I hd been to the gym off and on, but it never stuck, I always found ways to circumvent going.

    It all changed when my daughter was around 10, and I really got a good look at myself. I was so focused on taking care of her, that I had forgotten that I mattered too. I signed up through the gym through work, and slowly started going. I eventually signed up with a trainer and we started working on getting me healthy and strong. It was through this journey that I seriously wondered if I was burning out at my job. I found it hard to wake up and get out of bed, I was cranky, and I was just not happy. I started looking into this personal training thing, and wondered if I could do something like that. I felt great when I worked out with my trainer and we had a great time.

    I took the plunge and decided that was an avenue I was willing to explore. I loved working out with my trainer and thought what a great way to spend your days, helping people get strong and reclaim their health.

    So, I left my 9 to 5 and did my course to become a trainer. I began working at the local Women’s Only gym. Things were great for a while, but there came a point where I started to feel like I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was not pleasant to be around, and I started snapping at my daughter. I wasn’t prepared for the financial strain when I fist started out in this job. My dad had some health issues. Things seemed to be falling apart around me.

    My mother had suggested that maybe I needed to see my doctor. She had said that I wasn’t myself. I put it off. I was just a little stressed.

    Then it happened. I yelled at my daughter one morning as I drove her to school. I had forgotten I had an early morning client, and my workplace called. We had to rush around and when we were in the van she asked me a question and I snapped. She didn’t deserve it, and I felt ROTTEN.

    I made an appointment with my doctor. I went in to see her in between my clients.

    That was the day I was diagnosed with depression, June 17, 2011. That was the day my life started over. I didn’t realize that at the time. It was a rough go. My meds made me tired and groggy. I had to fight hard to reclaim my former self, or was it my new self?

    My doctor told me that I needed to do physical activity as part of my treatment. I could start out walking. I did and it was helpful.

    I will tell you this, I didn’t want to move at all. There were days I went back to bed after I got my daughter ready and out the door for school.

    I had done some running as part of my gym routine, and I even ran a 10k race a little less than a month before I was diagnosed.

    I tried running agin not too long after I was put off work. I ached, and it felt lime I was running through molasses.

    I did get back to working with my trainer and I eventually started running again. It was something I could do that didn’t require any pressure. I felt free when I ran. I could think through some of my problems.

    I eventually went back to my 9 to 5 job, and running continued to be a big part of my life. I ran at lunch. It is a great stress reliever, and gave me time for myself.

    I started signing up for races, and sharing my ups and downs with the folks I met online and in real life. The running community has been a big part of my mental health struggles. They are always there to share their stories, and to get me through the rough times. It’s like an extended family.

    I know when I am hitting a rough patch with my depression, because my desire to run diminishes. I stop sometimes altogether. One thing is for certain, I always return. Running saves me.

    I am doing good today, and I am helping my daughter manage her mental illness (she was recently diagnosed a few years ago) when I can. She has a great support system and is seeing a therapist. Things are not always sunshine and roses. We have some pretty rough days, but we make it through.

    I had fallen off the running wagon, helping my daughter and getting her into therapy had taken up my time, which was the most important thing for me. Sometimes, life sends us where we need to be.

    I am slowly getting back to running, and am in the process, with some running friends, of setting up a non-profit running group to help combat the stigma associated with mental illness. We are the Road Warriors, and I am very excited to start this journey with my fellow runners.

    Running doesn’t “cure” my depression. Running helps me battle my depression.

    Running makes me feel strong.

    Running frees me.

    Running saves me.

  • And I Ran

    Last weekend was Maritime Race Weekend, and my birthday (wooohooo!).

    I had signed up for this race (the Tartan Twosome: one race Friday night, one race Saturday morning) when I was jacked up on endorphins from another race. I figured, what would be an awesome way to welcome 47!

    It has one of the best atmospheres and some wicked scenery.

    (I’ve run this race before, and I’ve volunteered for it as well.)

    The weather was AMAZING. Perfect running weather both days!

    It’s been a bit since I’ve run on a regular basis. I went into the weekend ready to run for the pure joy of it.

    I. Had. A. Blast.

    The 5km Sunset Run is probably one of my favs. So many folks are dressed for the occasion (it’s a pirate themed weekend), and I also love seeing all the kids participating with their parents as well. (Also, I had the chance to meet up with my fellow Worth Living Run Ambassador Co-Lead Shannon Lelievre beforehand, which is always awesome!! We also had Charlotte Flewelling, another ambassador, running in the races that weekend as well.)

    Saturday Morning was the Coastal 10k for me. I haven’t done this distance for this race weekend before, but I remember someone saying something about a hill. It came early on, and I got a bit of the way up before I decided to walk it, along with quite a few others, lol. I loved, loved, loved the view along the ocean. I high fived as many kids as I could, stopped at every water stop, and had a great time!

    This is one race weekend I would recommend to any runner. There is a big after party, which also includes pirate fun for the kiddos.

    Also, the medals are amazing.

    I am already planning to run this race weekend again next year 😊

  • Bluenose 15k

    I received a fantastic pep talk close to the end of my 15km race on June 9th.

    It reminded me that even though I thought I had given up, that I could push through that last little bit and cross the finish line.

    Running is a coping skill for me. I can hash things out on a run, or sometimes I hash nothing out and run to forget.

    This run, this run is where I worked some shit out.

    This run was hot.

    This run was hard.

    This run was full of soul searching and forgiveness.

    This run reminded me of what I am capable of. That I am not weak. That I am stronger than I think, physically and mentally.

    I forget that when my depression is trying to sink it’s teeth in.

    I forgave myself for a lot on this run. I forgave a lot of things (and people) on this run.

    When I crossed that finish line, I felt less heavy.

    My legs were screaming, and I was nauseous, but lighter.

    Being kind to yourself is hard.

    Forgiving yourself is hard.

    Remembering that you come first is hard.

    Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it is an investment in your well being.

    YOU are worth the effort.

    Become lighter.

    Become YOU.

    (P.S. Now, this will be so very hard to remember when my depression is bad. Hopefully I can come back to this post and get something small out of it when I need to, and I hope you can too.)

  • I’m Gonna Do It

    This Tuesday, I start training for a 15km race.

    I am running the Scotibank Bluenose 15km route in June.

    It’s been a staggered start in my running this year with illness and other issues. I will be glad to start a training plan.

    Glad, and extremely nervous.

    I know I can run this distance. I’ve run half marathons.

    My last half was riddled with pre-race injury. I’ve been proactive, and have been working on my glutes so I am not running with my calves.

    It’s worked, but those calf strains are sitting in the back of my head going “Hey, remember us?”

    I try and keep a forward focus. This is not always easy with my brain and how it’s wired, but I will try my hardest to keep looking forward.

    I will be running this race as one of many Worth Living Run Ambassadors (more on this at a later date) to bring awareness to mental illness.

    This won’t be my only race this year, but it will be my largest distance. I am going to mix up 5 and 10 kilometre distances the rest of the year.

    So, I’ll be spewing all kinds of nervous fun over the coming months.

    I’m apologizing in advance, hahahaha.

    Thanks for hanging in there with me!

  • The Finger Saga Continues

    In case you are wondering, the glue on nails I used to try and save the skin around my fingernails could have been successful, had they been a little bit shorter.

    I spend all day on a computer at work and typing was a little bit cumbersome with the “real short” (not really) nails that I chose.

    They lasted almost a week, but I had to take them off because: typing. I was kind of sad, because I loved the french tip look of them.  My hands were super cute!

    I need to find the “tight fit” nails and give them a go.

    Needless to say, my fingers have suffered my wrath this week.  Two bloody ones and multiple chewed up ones.  Just when I thought they were getting a break.

    Sigh.

    I would try gel nails, but the cost and upkeep would be an added expense right now.

    So, if you want to try some glue on nails, I would recommend the KISS brand.  The Impress nails did not stand up to all the hand washing I do throughout the day.  The glue is required for maximum stick-age.

    Please pray for my fingers…and my brain.

    My brain is control here.  I need to remind it that my fingers don’t like bleeding.