The Midlife Reframe

Tag: momlife

  • Amy’s Anxiety and The Tub

    (Oh how I wish this post was about ice cream…..)

    May 9, 2018:

    So,

    Here I am awake at 11:27pm.

    You’re like…uhhhhh, and?

    Well, I am usually in extreme super sleep right now, because sleep and I are tight.  We have a very good relationship.  Amy + Sleep = BFFs.

    But NOT TONIGHT.

    (Backstory:  We have had some issues since the “new people” moved in next door a while back.  Tub filling up when we shower, or slow draining, etc.  Superintendent has been in, put magic potion in the drains. Drains get back to happy. Yay!  As a backup, I also have been trying to keep happy drains by continuing to use our hair catchers – because two girls and hair – and the occasional magic potion when the slow drain reappeared.)

    8:30pm:  Person I birthed has shower.  Advises tub filled to ankles.  Mother is exhausted so waits until she goes to brush teeth to check tub.

    9:30:  Tub still full of water.  Mother aggravated.

    Mother is so goddamn exhausted and thinks “I cannot do this right now”, and tries to sleep. She can’t. Because anger and anxiety.

    So, Mother searches for any other solution as it is getting late and doesn’t want to bug Superintendent. Nothing works.

    So – mentally ill Mother gets mentally ill Daughter and we begin scooping water out of tub and putting it down bathroom sink.  Notice water coming into tub.  Girl child goes: uh, is that grass?  Is that a leaf?  (I kid you not).

    I am ANGRY.  What in the actual fuck are you doing over there you idiots that live next door?

    Writes note to Superintendent. Puts in special slot beside Superintendent’s door.

    Starts planning curse to put on next door neighbours.

    Brain is in overdrive.

    May never sleep again.

    (Well, okay, I probably will sleep, but it will be horrible sleep and I’ll be cranky because my tub will probably still have water/crud in it tomorrow morning – rawr!!!)

    Okay, now it’s 11:44.  I decide I better try and sleep before tomorrow.

    Does get to sleep.

    May 10, 2018:

    Wakes up at usual time.

    THE TUB STILL HAS STANDING WATER.

    I would put a pic in, but gag.

    So, I baby wipe bathe and get ready for work.

    I am a rage ball today and am now constructing a text to my Superintendent.

    I apologize in advance for all of my feelings today that may come forth as anger towards those I adore.

    Ummmmm, Happy Thursday?!?!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Contemplating 2018

     

    So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.

    2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride.  Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.

    I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things.  Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.

    Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it.  So I am happy that that is the case.  Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.

    I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here 😉

    One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!).  My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration.  I need to take care of me.

    As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness.  How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind.  I just always try to be thankful for things I have.  This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.

    Have a wonderful holiday season.

    Hold those you love close.

    Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.

    Practice self care.

    Remember that NO ONE is perfect.  We don’t have to be.  It is the imperfections that make us individuals.

    Do not conform.  Be loud.

    Be you.

    No regrets.

    I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.

    I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

     

  • Why Not “Letting it Go” Is Okay

    Me….not letting go.

    [This post was inspired by a friend of mine.]

    I hear it all the time.  Goddammit I say it.  I say it knowing what is really going to happen in my head:  “Let it go.”

    Well, what if you CAN’T let it go?

    I bring this point of view from the ‘mental illness of me’ perspective:

    • Depression and anxiety are voices
    • Those voices whisper
    • Those voices WON’T let it go

    When the switch is flipped, it won’t turn off.  I can’t just let something go.  My brain will relive the words/a situation over and over, especially if it’s bad.  That shit feeds my brain like candy.

    Out of the blue I will relive a moment that is not memorable to anyone, but because I may  have said something that wasn’t necessarily good (in my brain), the movie of that moment plays out, and is unfortunately memorable TO ME.  Not in a good way

    This tends to happen right before I go to bed.  FUN.

    Although, I gotta say that I really enjoy it when it happens at work.  Then I feel totally stoooopid.  Makes for a great day of supreme self doubt.  EXTREME SARCASM FONT.

    My brain will release the vice grip every now and then and in that brief moment I can “let it go”.

    In reality, my brain is really going through the hit list of Amy’s Awkward Moments.  It resets my top 5 every week, choosing various memories from my early childhood, to something that happened yesterday.  I know this and have fully accepted the rotating hit list.

    So, if we could all try and use “let it go” a little less (unless you’re Elsa, and singing in a frozen castle), and try super awesome distraction methods instead, I think we could all avoid some pent up hostility.

    Okay?

    Okay.

    Thanks 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Update from the Land of Us

    Our Foggy Walk This Morning

    To say it’s been an easy few weeks would not be accurate.  With work and home, and the time leading into the holidays, it’s been freaking exhausting.  Not the physical type of exhaustion either, lol.

    TeenThing is my mental illness mirror…as in she is more anxiety than depression.  I’m pretty sure this means we balance each other out.  It’s a good thing we both have a sense of humour, because I am pretty sure that has been a major player in how we have been getting through the initial medication stage.  For example:  I had to wake her up early this morning, so I nudged her awake and danced in her room until she woke up.  Luckily she thinks I’m funny 😉

    Today was our doctor visit, and she increased TeenThing’s med dosage.  We should be able to see a difference in her anxiety within the next week or two.  She is doing much better and I am so happy she asked for help when she did.  Our doctor was very optimistic about her progress so far and for her treatment going forward.  It has definitely put my mind at ease.  She goes back in a month for another check in and then if all is well we should be good to go to move forward in her treatment.

    For now, we are now focusing on getting her sorted with work and getting through the busy holiday season.

    That being said, keep this in mind when you are frustrated and shopping/movie-ing/eating out over the next month:  There are a lot of kids out there working in the stores/theatres/eating establishments.  They don’t make the rules, or the prices, or the return/exchange policies.  They are just doing what they have been trained to do.  They are not trying to ruin your day.  Please don’t be jerks.

    I have been “unpacking” my compartmentalized boxes and working on me bit by bit. Something that is irritating and needs to stop is me chewing on the sides of my fingernails.  It’s gross I know, but that is my illness manifesting itself as a habit and I have to get a hold on it.

    In terms of physical fitness me:  I have a new glute program to follow and will be back to some yoga classes this week at the gym.  Any running I will be doing will be on the track, as I have some stretching and exercises to do prior to lacing up.  I am also going to get back on track with my weights, as that has been haphazard at best.  All of this will determine my race status going into 2019.

    I must say, opening up my 2018 to regaining my strength and mental clarity has given me more flexibility with my schedule and I am really looking forward to it.

    So, onward and upward!  It’s almost time to get Christmas-y 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Musings From a Mentally Ill Mother

    So.

    It is one week past TeenThing’s diagnosis.

    Into week 2 on her meds.

    So far nothing scary in the land of side effects.

    We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.

    I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.

    A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week.  One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.

    Let’s be clear:

    • She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
    • She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
    • This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now.  When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there.  FOR MONTHS.

    If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.

    Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER.  Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone.  There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it.  It really is about time people start thinking this way.  I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.

    I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness.  It’s sad that I am used to it.

    BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:

    On the way home tonight I made a decision.

    Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.

    No judgement.

    Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.

    A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.

    A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.

    I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.

    I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while.  But I didn’t.  All good on the Mama front for now.

    I think we’ll be okay.

    If anything, we aren’t going to be boring 😉