The Midlife Reframe

Tag: momlife

  • Unpacking My Shit

    Here I am.

    It’s been a while since I sat down and unpacked some of my boxes.

    Not talking the physical kind. I am talking about the mental kind.

    I have filled many boxes over the years with all of my unpleasant thoughts and situations.

    I’ve started to unpack these boxes lately, and it hasn’t been fun.

    I’ve made some peace with certain situations in my life, and realized what I have been carrying around that wasn’t mine to carry.

    I’ve had guilt about staying in a mentally abusive marriage for such a long time. Time to kick that to curb. I have a beautiful daughter that came from that experience and so I focus on her. We’ve been a two person team since she was eight months old and I am super proud of the woman she is becoming.

    I am very self deprecating. It’s easy. My mental illness makes it easier. This is one I will struggle with daily, but I am working on it. I try and pick out one thing a day that I love about myself and keep that as a focus.

    My self doubt is another thing I am working on. That is also a daily struggle with me and my brain. I’m getting there though.

    I’ve had massive guilt about being a mom with a mental illness to a daughter with mental illness. I blamed myself for her illness. I must have given it to her. I didn’t know how to make peace with that until recently. We are who we are and we both just happen to have the same illness. Some days it’s hard struggling with my own while helping her, but we have each other’s back. Always.

    Today, I am starting to change my relationship with food. Food is fuel, but food is also feelings for me. When I am down I eat food to feel better, but not good food. I eat food that eventually makes me feel sluggish and sleepy. I made a grocery list today and stuck to it. Lots of healthy options for lunches and snacks.

    I also unpacked my box with the “my depression lives here” sticker on it. That one really opens up on its own and barfs all over my apartment. I don’t clean. I leave things everywhere. I don’t put my clean clothes away. I have no energy and I don’t care. But I have to care, because this place is a freaking DISASTER AREA.

    Those are just some of the boxes I am unpacking.

    I am doing the opposite with my gym bag. That is being packed for tomorrow morning. Movement makes me feel better about myself.

    So now, I need to unpack my groceries, lol.

    Facing some of these things has been hard, but worth it in order for me to move forward.

    Step by step.

    Day by day.

    Or even, minute by minute.

    It’ll get done, and I’ll keep moving forward.

  • I’m Pretty Sure My Fingers Are F@&ED

    I’ve talked about this before.

    How I chew on my fingers when I am super stressed or full of life cramping anxiety.

    Well, GUESS WHAT. My new meds have evened me out with my anxiety, but I still chew my fingers like my life is going to end, goddammit.

    I also had to cut my nails off because some of them split on the sides from my intrusive teeth.

    I have a stress drawer at work, which is filled with mini chocolate bars and other miscellaneous treats for when I am stressed and full of MONSTER anxiety (this most lovely pic is the recent stress drawer inventory).

    I have decided that I need to use this drawer to seriously save my fingers.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I can eat carrots or broccoli and win the health aspect here, but I need comfort and sometimes a Jolly Rancher is what I need to get by.

    So yes, things are stressful.

    I know things will get back to normal.

    For now, my stress drawer is my sanity.

    As you were.

  • A Chat With My Daughter

    Today I recorded a podcast with my daughter.

    We talked about her mental illness and her journey.

    She did great, and I was happy she was so willing to share that with me and so many others.

    As a parent, you always worry that you are doing things right. As a parent with mental illness, you second guess EVERYTHING you do. I am happy to say that I am pretty sure I raised a good egg.

    Now that she is doing better, she is more open to sharing her struggles. I am super proud of her for that.

    I hope you can take a few minutes out of your day to listen to our chat. It’s something I am very proud of!

  • Brains of a Feather

    We’ve had a rough couple of months.

    My Buggie was just not feeling herself, no matter what we tried.

    She was struggling a lot, and had a hard time getting out of bed. She physically hurt, and had no motivation (she loves to clean, for real, and she has not had the urge to clean anything).

    Getting her to go out has been a struggle. She would be so uncomfortable. Our outings were short ones.

    She became obsessed with her hamster habitat (she kept sending me pictures and ads for bigger ones) and I could not derail her.

    (We didn’t get a bigger habitat- this hamster lives a life of luxury in a huge bin.)

    Things were just not good all around.

    Thankfully, I was able to get her in to see the doctor today. She now has a new medication added to her regimen and we are hoping this works for her. If not, we need to try a whole new medication.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed. Watching her go through this has been hard.

    Having been there myself, I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to fix what’s wrong with your child, no matter how old they are.

    So for now, we wait, and see if this new combo works.

    Please let it work.

  • Life as a Depression Ninja

    Depression Ninja?

    Yes.

    I’ve talked about how great of an actress I am. 99% of the time, you would never know that I suffer from a mental illness.

    I’m good at hiding it, and it can take it’s toll. Not only on me, but on those around me.

    That 1% of the time when I cannot hide it can be intense. When I lash out, push people away, and hide, I am at the breaking point.

    It’s a hard thing to break, this hiding my illness thing. People don’t understand how I can be sick, and still function, laugh, and get out of bed.

    I have to function. I have a job. I have rent and bills. I have a daughter who also suffers from a mental illness. I have sometimes forced myself to function for survival.

    When I was first diagnosed with depression I couldn’t function. It was awful. I slept lots, everything hurt, and I felt completely hopeless.

    I fight to not get to that point every day.

    I am thankful for my meds. They have lifted me out of the deep.

    They haven’t “cured” my mental illness, but they have helped me to stay relatively stable.

    So if I am awful towards you, (and you haven’t done anything to me), it’s not because I am an awful person. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need help.

    A gentle nudge to say “hey, you’re not acting like yourself”, can be just what I need to open up. Sometimes I just need an ear, or a shoulder.

    This illness doesn’t go away.

    I’m a Depression Ninja for life.

  • Laugh, If You Can

    Life can be a big jerk.

    Something our family is good at is finding the humour in adverse situations.

    This past week has been rough with a family member’s surgery, but we’ve been able to have a laugh (Thanks Snapchat).

    Laughing has gotten me through some pretty rough times.

    Example: When I was first diagnosed with my depression, the first couple of weeks were pretty rough.

    I was at my parent’s apartment one day when my brother arrived. He came into the kitchen and said hi. He then asked me how the voices in my head were. I paused, and said “Just one minute…..Yep, we’re good today.”

    We had a good laugh. It wasn’t at my expense. My brother knew what I needed at that moment.

    That being said, I really think you need to know your audience when being a goof during rough times.

    Bad form can just hurt feelings, and that is not cool.

    But if you can, laugh.

    Sometimes we need it.

    😊

  • Clearing Out The Cobwebs

    There comes a time, when I am “better”, that I reevaluate a lot of things in my life: Why am I holding onto so many things? What purpose do they serve? Why am I holding onto this anger from 10 years ago?

    Lately, I have been pulling down those cobwebs that I have been looking at, but never do anything about.

    They aren’t making me happy.

    They aren’t supporting me in any way.

    They are taking up space that can be used by something that will make me happy and help me feel supported.

    I’ve changed a lot the past few years, and I am definitely NOT the woman I was 10 years ago.

    So it’s time to clean house.

    I need to make room for the good, so the next bad time in my life doesn’t feel so dark.

    #WorthLiving

  • Amy, TeenThing and The Flies

    WARNING:  This post is about flies and larvae.  If you are grossed out by either or both…RUN AWAY NOW!!!  I can’t run away because it’s my story, so apologies for what you are about to read.

    So, we’ve a hot and humid summer here on the East Coast of Canada.  This means windows, and sometimes my balcony (non-screen) door have been open to move the air around.

    The open balcony door was the biggest mistake I made this year:

    A few weeks ago, I was getting ready to do my usual sweep of the downstairs floors.

    While starting to sweep, I noticed smallish white things starting to wiggle their icky bodies on my floor.

    Me:  “WHAT IN THE FRIG IS THAT!”

    TeenThing:  “I DON’T KNOW BUT OH MY GOD THAT’S GROSS!”

    Me:  “OH MY GOD IT’S SOME SORT OF LARVAE!”

    TeenThing: “WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM!”

    Me: “I THINK THE KITCHEN!”

    So, needless to say, TeenThing stayed away from the kitchen.

    I threw out EVERYTHING that was in the kitchen and on the floor:  compost bin, took out the recycling, and emptied the garbage can.

    I went to move the garbage can….THERE THEY WERE.

    I lifted it…they were all inside the “foot” area of the bottom.

    I hoofed it outside with that mofo and chucked it in the garbage bin outside my building.

    The mega clean up began.  No more wiggle worms.

    We got comfortable.

    We shouldn’t have.

    5 DAYS LATER:  I was informed by my Thing that she had killed a couple of flies that morning.  We shrugged it off as the balcony door being open.

    I got home that night after work (TeenThing was working) and went to turn around the window fan in the living room.

    IT WAS LIKE THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.

    There were a gazillion flies in the windows.

    I ran out to the kitchen.

    FLIES ALL AROUND THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

    [FYI, the cats were NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.  What kind of hunters are they…ugh.]

    I grabbed a magazine and began the housefly massacre of 2018.

    I took me two days to figure out where these flies were coming from….MY BROOM.  SHE LAID THE EGGS IN MY BROOM.

    I threw it out on the balcony.

    Two days post broom throwing, no more flies.

    Needless to say the balcony door has not been left open since, and I am now shopping around for a screen door (and air conditioners for next year).  I also need to get my super to put some new screens in the massacre windows.

    Itchy yet?

    You’re welcome!

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

  • A Booster for My Brain

    Today was my six week check in with my doc to see where my anxiety was at.

    We sat down and talked about how things were, and how the additional methods I have been using to keep my anxiety under control have not been working like they have in the past. My depression has gotten better, and I am able to navigate my days with more clarity.

    So, here’s the deal:

    I have been chewing the skin around my fingernails to the point where I have caused myself to bleed. The only thing that keeps that at bay is work (kind of, lol) and crocheting.

    I also talked about my itching. When my anxiety starts to get bad, I become extremely itchy and cannot stop scratching. When it first started, I though it was because of the extremely humid summer we were having, but it wasn’t consistent with the weather.

    I have (unfortunately) started taking random comments personally. Things that really (on a “normal” day) would not bother me, do, and I feel the need to react without taking a step back.

    Since things were not where we were hoping them to be, we discussed a booster for my Cipralex.

    Starting tomorrow, I start taking the lowest dose of Abilify.

    I am hoping for little to no side effects, but I am fully prepared either way.

    It should take a full two weeks for the Abilify to make a full impact on my brain.

    I go back for another doc visit in six weeks.

    Through all of this, my return to physical activity has been a rough go, so I am taking things easy and making a plan this weekend to start a regular schedule of exercise.

    That is where things sit now.

    I’ll continue to keep moving forward.

    Happy that my toolbox has expanded, and trying to keep positive that my brain will cooperate 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • Mentally Ill Mother: Mentally Ill Daughter (Or: Stop Telling Me Your Tools Are Better Than Mine)

    You would think that with all of the talk around mental health and the options for treatment, that people would be a little more understanding when it comes to folks choosing the best option for them. From what I have been reading lately, this is not the case.

    So, once again, I am telling the condensed story of why I will choose medication when needed (now with TeenThing’s condensed story included).

    Let’s begin:

    Almost 7 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I was in such a state I could not function as a regular human.

    (Before all of you “physical activity is the best antidepressant” people even start: I was working as a personal trainer when I was diagnosed. I worked out almost every day. I WAS DYING INSIDE.)

    My whole body hurt. Going outside caused me EXTREME anxiety. I would physically shake when I drove. I probably shouldn’t have been driving (oh well, too late to correct that now). I cried at the drop of a hat.

    I was put on medication when my doctor diagnosed me. Between the medication and my weekly/bi-weekly visits with her, I slowly began to come around.

    Eventually, I was able to go off of medication, for a while. I also went back on medication a couple of years later. I am currently not medicated, and that could change.

    Lesson: I do not wish to feel like I cannot function as a human, so when it is required, and all other options are not working, I will choose medication.

    Recently:

    In November of 2017, my daughter was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I posted about her diagnosis and how I was chastised about “putting her on meds”.

    My daughter is a relatively grown human. It was HER decision to go on medication.

    Watching her go through the trial and error process to weed out what was going on was awful.

    She would go to work, and then call to come home. She would be crying. She couldn’t be around people. She became nauseous at the thought of dealing with the public. Our trip to Scotland had it’s moments of ick.

    It was not fun.

    The toolset she was given during the first visit to the doctor was not working.

    When she went back to see the doctor, I was there. I sat, let her talk, and together they discussed options. My daughter made the decision to try medication.

    Today she is doing well. There are still off days, but she is working and functioning.

    Lesson: Her decision, made by her, was the right thing, FOR HER.

    There are people who can manage their illness without being medicated. I am not putting these people down, at all.

    What I am saying is this: We all have tools in our toolkit. Some work better than others. Some things work better for me, some work better for you.

    So please, stop telling me I am using the wrong tool, when it’s my toolbox.

    @crazymamaruns