The Midlife Reframe

Tag: mom

  • I’m a Great Actress

    If you were to meet me without knowing me from social media, you would probably see me as a pretty happy, and fun, person.

    I am. I am a happy person with depression.

    I can hide my mental illness extremely well.

    Most people have no idea that I may be having a bad day.

    It’s not because I don’t want to share it. I just don’t want to place that burden on others.

    You can say otherwise to me for days. I see it as a burden.

    I am a military brat. We moved a lot. I learned to assess and adapt.

    So, every day, I assess and adapt.

    My medication doesn’t erase my depression and anxiety. It lessens the demeaning whispers, and the constant hourly battle with my brain.

    I still have not-so-good days, and I realize that I should be sharing them.

    It’s something I need to feel comfortable doing. It’s not as easy as people think.

    I’m working on it.

    Until then, the Actress will continue her job, and hide what I am uncomfortable sharing.

  • The Finger Saga Continues

    In case you are wondering, the glue on nails I used to try and save the skin around my fingernails could have been successful, had they been a little bit shorter.

    I spend all day on a computer at work and typing was a little bit cumbersome with the “real short” (not really) nails that I chose.

    They lasted almost a week, but I had to take them off because: typing. I was kind of sad, because I loved the french tip look of them.  My hands were super cute!

    I need to find the “tight fit” nails and give them a go.

    Needless to say, my fingers have suffered my wrath this week.  Two bloody ones and multiple chewed up ones.  Just when I thought they were getting a break.

    Sigh.

    I would try gel nails, but the cost and upkeep would be an added expense right now.

    So, if you want to try some glue on nails, I would recommend the KISS brand.  The Impress nails did not stand up to all the hand washing I do throughout the day.  The glue is required for maximum stick-age.

    Please pray for my fingers…and my brain.

    My brain is control here.  I need to remind it that my fingers don’t like bleeding.

  • Laugh, If You Can

    Life can be a big jerk.

    Something our family is good at is finding the humour in adverse situations.

    This past week has been rough with a family member’s surgery, but we’ve been able to have a laugh (Thanks Snapchat).

    Laughing has gotten me through some pretty rough times.

    Example: When I was first diagnosed with my depression, the first couple of weeks were pretty rough.

    I was at my parent’s apartment one day when my brother arrived. He came into the kitchen and said hi. He then asked me how the voices in my head were. I paused, and said “Just one minute…..Yep, we’re good today.”

    We had a good laugh. It wasn’t at my expense. My brother knew what I needed at that moment.

    That being said, I really think you need to know your audience when being a goof during rough times.

    Bad form can just hurt feelings, and that is not cool.

    But if you can, laugh.

    Sometimes we need it.

    😊

  • Stress?? Anxiety?? Let’s Bounce a Leg, Shall We?

    We’ve already talked about my other anxiety induced problem of chewing the skin around my fingernails, so let’s talk about the bouncing leg.

    Today on my Podcast I talked about the things I do when I’m stressed and/or my anxiety is off the charts.

    Right up with the skin chewing, is leg bouncing.

    This isn’t so bad if I am alone at my kitchen table.

    (FYI: It’s usually my right leg.)

    At work it creates a problem for me because then my desk shakes (or at least it feels like it does). This isn’t a problem in the morning, because that is when I am usually standing. Can’t bounce my leg standing up!

    Once I sit down in the afternoon, lookout.

    It could last for 5 minutes, or it could last for 20 minutes.

    My body is full of so much nervous energy that there is nowhere for it to go. It gets diverted through chewing, or bouncing.

    Both of these things are happening even with my medication. It’s not as severe, but it’s still there.

    Today I also discovered that I will say “um” and “so” a lot when I think I am going off the beaten track and lack confidence in myself.

    So, I am crocheting to help with the chewing (and some new fake nails), and I have started doing yoga at home to help with keeping myself centred and balanced.

    Stay tuned for an update next week to see how everything is working out 😊

  • Let’s Get Running

    Looking ahead to the next year as a whole isn’t something that comes easy to me.

    Just typing this is making me itch with anxiety (for real, my arms are itchy).

    I have decided to start planning my races for next year. I will be running all as a Worth Living Run Ambassador to bring awareness to mental illness.

    I have already registered for the 15k distance at the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon in June.

    I am registering for the Resolution Run this week.

    So far, I have these on the list as possible races:

    • Epic Canadian
    • Navy 10k
    • Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
    • Valley Harvest
    • Food Run

    These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.

    Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.

    Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.

    Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.

    Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.

    Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.

  • I’m a Fainter

    Last weekend I fainted while sitting in a pedicure chair.

    An ambulance was called.

    My daughter was a rockstar (which is good, because I now know she can navigate a situation like that without freaking).

    I was checked out by the paramedics, and then went to see a doctor who ordered some bloodwork.

    I had a medication check in today, and decided to tackle this first before the med discussion.

    All my bloodwork came back normal, and everything checks out with respect to my heart (no murmur, and my blood pressure was normal today).

    The diagnosis (after a lengthy discussion): I am prone to vasovagal attacks. My doctor said it’s nothing to worry about, and told me what I could do the next time I feel it coming on.

    Then we talked about how I was doing on the Abilify.

    We discussed how I was feeling, and decided that since this is working for me, she will keep me on it in addition to the Cipralex.

    So, a successful visit today. Now that I am sorted medication wise, I can schedule a visit when I need to.

    This is what I’ve been working towards.

    I will never be 100%, but I am a solid baseline of 85% for now and that works for me!

    (And no, I haven’t gone back for the pedicure, lol!)

    😊

  • Clearing Out The Cobwebs

    There comes a time, when I am “better”, that I reevaluate a lot of things in my life: Why am I holding onto so many things? What purpose do they serve? Why am I holding onto this anger from 10 years ago?

    Lately, I have been pulling down those cobwebs that I have been looking at, but never do anything about.

    They aren’t making me happy.

    They aren’t supporting me in any way.

    They are taking up space that can be used by something that will make me happy and help me feel supported.

    I’ve changed a lot the past few years, and I am definitely NOT the woman I was 10 years ago.

    So it’s time to clean house.

    I need to make room for the good, so the next bad time in my life doesn’t feel so dark.

    #WorthLiving

  • Waiting to Come Out On The Other Side

    I am into week 2 of the booster (Abilify) for my anti-depressants.

    It’s been a bit of ride, but not necessarily a bad one.

    The first week: I was restless and I couldn’t sit still. I am still a bit restless, bit that is starting to subside.

    I also found it hard to get to sleep the first week, but that has remedied itself as well.

    After my initial post about taking Abilify, I panicked. I was certain everyone would Google the drug and think “Wow, she’s psychotic too?”

    Let’s be clear: my brain had me convinced of this. It almost made me believe that people would avoid me, stop talking to me, and no longer want to be my friend.

    I remember the pharmacist telling me to just keep taking the dose, even if I didn’t think it was working, and that after 2-4 weeks I would start to see a difference.

    Am I noticing ANY difference?

    I am. Sort of. It’s little things, but: I am starting to notice a slow decrease in my itching (yay!).

    Being patient is hard, but I am doing my best to give this time.

    If it gets me to where I need to be, it will be worth it 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • Is It Getting Easier?

    I can’t say it’s getting “easier”.

    Getting out of bed isn’t a struggle.

    I am starting to be more involved in the things I enjoy doing.

    I don’t feel as hopeless.

    I am still having issues with my anxiety.

    I had to buy a pill organizer thingie so I could look at it and see that I have taken my pill…10 minutes after I have taken it, because I can’t remember if I did take it, even though my watch reminds me to take it.

    So easier? No.

    Better? Yes.

    (I am still amazingly weird, so I have that going for me, lol.)

    I can talk to TeenThing now about how she is feeling and what she is struggling with, without feeling like I gave this to her.

    I had struggled with that for so long. Feeling like I was responsible for her mental illness.

    Photo thanks to Vicki Penny Photography

    Being medicated has given me some clarity when it comes to how I was not being present in my life, which means I was not present in hers.

    I am able to recognize that now, and I can manage things better without falling down the rabbit hole. I can face it without beating myself up and running away.

    I guess I can explain it like this: It’s a bubble wrap thing. I wrap myself up and take the hits, thinking I’ve given myself the correct armour, when all I’ve done is soften the blow a little bit.

    So, I guess the meds are my armour.

    I will still get dents, but I am better prepared for battle.

    @crazymamaruns