The Midlife Reframe

Tag: mom

  • Body Image & Mental Illness

    (This post is about MY experience/struggle with body image and depression/anxiety.)

    See this picture?

    I posted it last week on my Facebook page.

    I have a love hate relationship with this photo, because the thing I see first, is my back bulges from the racer back running bra I am wearing.

    At first, I didn’t see the strong, resilient woman running to bring awareness to mental illness. It took me a day to make peace with this photograph, and to see the strong, resilient woman in it.

    I am now 47 with peri menopause staring me down.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body is changing and I am trying to find the magic solution (haha) to keep myself healthy (I am totally eating a slice of pizza as I write this) and to continue to feel good about myself.

    This is hard with a brain that chemically wants you to be miserable.  Really hard. It’s a fight both physically and mentally.  I can handle dealing with one, but dealing with both at the same time can be extremely overwhelming.

    I’ve struggled with body image before.  This isn’t my first time on the roller coaster.

    I was a personal trainer for a short period of time.  I know what needs to be done to get myself in the “feeling good” zone again.

    I just can’t get into a corner of the ring to take a few minutes to strategize my fight.

    Do I need to be “Skinny?”

    NO.

    Do I need to be healthy?

    YES.

    This is what I have made my peace with: I no longer care about “skinny”.  I can’t.  My brain will latch onto that and I will be back to bending over in the mirror to see how many rolls I have, start planning out my “fasting” moments, and I end up being skinny and NOT HEALTHY.  I’ve been skinny and not healthy quite a few times.  I’ve also been skinny and mentally ill AND not healthy.

    I need to be happy in the body I currently occupy.

    So, running will continue to happen (because it’s a great outlet for me), and I am starting another yoga practice in October for my mind as well as my body.  If I can keep this up for the month, then I can make it a healthy habit.

    Now, FOOD.  I love food, and I do not deprive myself of it.  At all.  I am choosing healthier options, but if I am craving some pizza, I  have some pizza (see earlier paragraph – I am eating some pizza…right now).  Food is fuel, and I need healthy fuel for my body.  But I also realize that I can indulge and it’s not BAD.  I no longer punish myself for eating.  Food is not a punishment or a reward for me.

    I think there is too much focus on weight loss and being “skinny”.  I think we need to encourage each other to start working towards feeling healthy, energized, and happy.  We all occupy a body that was made just for us.  We need to celebrate that.  I need to celebrate that.

    It’s time to get back to the folks that encourage me to work towards a happy, healthy me, no matter what size that is.

    Step 1: Moving every day is now a priority for me, whether it’s a run, a walk, or some yoga.  Just getting out and moving.  Clearing my mind and getting the heart rate up.

    Step 2: I am working towards healthy.

    In this body.

    Because it’s amazing.

    (Step 3: Let’s hope my brain comes around and stops being a jerk, eh?)

  • Following My Path

    After unpacking some of my shit, it was time to forge a new path.

    (I am not done unpacking all my shit. Far from it.)

    I need to start following my own path. For years I have been following someone else’s path, or the path that I thought was expected of me.

    I am still trying to navigate my new path. It’s going to be rough some days, but I am really looking forward to moving ahead, instead of looking back.

    I am learning many things about myself, and I am keeping an open mind when things don’t go the way I hoped they would.

    I am continuing to embrace my mental illness (even on the bad days), and coming to terms with how it is a part of me, but yet doesn’t define me as a human.

    I am slowly making changes in my life, and it feels good.

    So if you see me feeling lost, or putting myself down, give me a poke and remind me: you are moving forward.

    Moving. Forward.

  • Bluenose 15k

    I received a fantastic pep talk close to the end of my 15km race on June 9th.

    It reminded me that even though I thought I had given up, that I could push through that last little bit and cross the finish line.

    Running is a coping skill for me. I can hash things out on a run, or sometimes I hash nothing out and run to forget.

    This run, this run is where I worked some shit out.

    This run was hot.

    This run was hard.

    This run was full of soul searching and forgiveness.

    This run reminded me of what I am capable of. That I am not weak. That I am stronger than I think, physically and mentally.

    I forget that when my depression is trying to sink it’s teeth in.

    I forgave myself for a lot on this run. I forgave a lot of things (and people) on this run.

    When I crossed that finish line, I felt less heavy.

    My legs were screaming, and I was nauseous, but lighter.

    Being kind to yourself is hard.

    Forgiving yourself is hard.

    Remembering that you come first is hard.

    Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it is an investment in your well being.

    YOU are worth the effort.

    Become lighter.

    Become YOU.

    (P.S. Now, this will be so very hard to remember when my depression is bad. Hopefully I can come back to this post and get something small out of it when I need to, and I hope you can too.)

  • So Here’s The Thing

    I still have bad days, even on my medication.

    They do help, good gravy do they help. They keep me from going down the rabbit hole full tilt.

    They don’t “cure” my depression or my anxiety. They never will.

    This week was a circus show. Work went sideways. I am as hormonal as all get out.

    There just wasn’t enough good to bring me up this week.

    Even my runs were a hot mess.

    I missed Parkrun on Saturday because my brain and body were done Friday night and I slept for 12 hours. (I did get out for a run, which was sloggy.)

    I woke up today wanting to bawl my eyes out. Some mornings are like that, and sometimes I can’t shake it, even though I am medicated.

    Thankfully, today was a planned run with my BRF (Best Running Friend), and that really helped to bring me back to a more balanced place.

    I just have to remind myself that the bad days aren’t as bad as they have been, and I have the tools to balance things out.

    If that doesn’t work, I just ride out the bad day, and try again when I wake up.

    It really is day by day.

  • I’m Gonna Do It

    This Tuesday, I start training for a 15km race.

    I am running the Scotibank Bluenose 15km route in June.

    It’s been a staggered start in my running this year with illness and other issues. I will be glad to start a training plan.

    Glad, and extremely nervous.

    I know I can run this distance. I’ve run half marathons.

    My last half was riddled with pre-race injury. I’ve been proactive, and have been working on my glutes so I am not running with my calves.

    It’s worked, but those calf strains are sitting in the back of my head going “Hey, remember us?”

    I try and keep a forward focus. This is not always easy with my brain and how it’s wired, but I will try my hardest to keep looking forward.

    I will be running this race as one of many Worth Living Run Ambassadors (more on this at a later date) to bring awareness to mental illness.

    This won’t be my only race this year, but it will be my largest distance. I am going to mix up 5 and 10 kilometre distances the rest of the year.

    So, I’ll be spewing all kinds of nervous fun over the coming months.

    I’m apologizing in advance, hahahaha.

    Thanks for hanging in there with me!

  • We’re Doing Okay

    Things are going well.

    My daughter’s meds seem to be working.

    She is slowly beginning to come back into the outside world, and I am very grateful.

    At the end of this week, we are off to sun and sand for a much needed vacation.

    After this vacation it will be a slow return to the gym for my Buggie. Keeping her moving and motivated will be the next step to her feeling better.

    I am absolutely exhausted. Waiting to see if the medication was going to work has been stressful. I didn’t want her to have to start over again, so I had been impatiently waiting to see what the results would be.

    I can’t begin to imagine what was going through her head during this whole process.

    It will be up to her if she wants to share her experience at a later date. For now, we are riding this train and hoping for a steady journey.

    Speaking of sharing, I’ll be sharing our trip on Instagram starting next weekend. Feel free to check it out! https://instagram.com/scrmgin2thevoid?r=nametag

  • Brains of a Feather

    We’ve had a rough couple of months.

    My Buggie was just not feeling herself, no matter what we tried.

    She was struggling a lot, and had a hard time getting out of bed. She physically hurt, and had no motivation (she loves to clean, for real, and she has not had the urge to clean anything).

    Getting her to go out has been a struggle. She would be so uncomfortable. Our outings were short ones.

    She became obsessed with her hamster habitat (she kept sending me pictures and ads for bigger ones) and I could not derail her.

    (We didn’t get a bigger habitat- this hamster lives a life of luxury in a huge bin.)

    Things were just not good all around.

    Thankfully, I was able to get her in to see the doctor today. She now has a new medication added to her regimen and we are hoping this works for her. If not, we need to try a whole new medication.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed. Watching her go through this has been hard.

    Having been there myself, I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to fix what’s wrong with your child, no matter how old they are.

    So for now, we wait, and see if this new combo works.

    Please let it work.

  • Rearranging My Room, The Head Cold, and Why is My Cat Being an Asshole?

    I decided (on Boxing Day) that I needed to rearrange my room.

    It is only the second time I’ve done this since living in this apartment because my room is an L shaped room. It stresses me out to rearrange it.

    I really wanted to move my stuff from one end to the other, but then I wouldn’t be able to open my door. Sigh.

    So, my bed is against a side wall, facing my windows. Not sure if this will last. But my brain wanted change, so this is it for now.

    (If I make it more than a month, I’ll consider it a win. My anxiety will determine juuuuust how long it stays that way.)

    Day after Boxing Day: wake up with boogerhead. Do some shopping. Get home and sit down. The plague arrives.

    Not really what I wanted, especially with the Resolution Run coming up on January 1st.

    I pretty much lived in bed with sinus meds on the 28th. Today (the 29th), I am out of bed and downstairs (woooooo). Still congested, but not dying!

    During all of this, my oldest cat (Nala, pictured above) decided to become a gigantic asshole and meow through the night…in my room…on my bed. Sometimes she just sits by my dresser and meows at the wall.

    I am thinking she may not like my room rearranging. (It’s better than thinking my room is haunted.)

    It hasn’t helped with me getting my rest, and when she’s had enough, she just saunters out at around 3am to go downstairs to her bed.

    She is old. Maybe she’s just being cranky to change. Maybe she’s trying to tell me I was wrong to change my room around. What does she know that I don’t?

    Maybe I need to take more meds and have a nap, lol.

    I am going to win this cold war, one nose blow at a time.

    Not sure about the Nala war. She may win that one, lol.

    Stay tuned to see if my brain decides to rearrange my room, again.

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.

  • Where My Depression Lives

    I know what you’re thinking.

    Amy, your depression lives in your brain.

    Yes, yes it does.

    But it is, at this very moment, living in my kitchen.

    It is also living in my bedroom.

    These two places are usually the most disorganized spots in my apartment.

    If it migrates to my dining room, I’m in a rut. I will eventually do a big clean and feel a bit better.

    My bedroom fluctuates. Clean/Disaster/Clean/Disaster. It ebbs and flows with my moods.

    It’s akin to my finger chewing with my anxiety.

    My depression needs somewhere to go. It shows itself like this: me surrounding myself with “stuff” to make me feel like I have a fort. I can stay in there and no one can “find” me. This isn’t good, but sometimes it is what it is.

    Another thing about my fort: it gets really hard cleaning it all up after I tear it down.

    Maybe I should just stick to the original blanket fort.

    Less messy, and easier to clean up.