The Midlife Reframe

Tag: medication

  • I Never Thought It Would Be This Way

    I never thought that my smile would hide the demons inside of me.

    That I would fight daily to keep myself from falling apart.

    That I could be so tired.

    That my body could hurt without injury.

    That my darkest days would be when I was raising a daughter. I remember when I finally told her what was wrong. She was so understanding at such a young age. Who knew she would later experience similar demons.

    That what society makes out to be “living your best life” isn’t really living your best life. Having it all can be just as overwhelming as not having enough.

    That getting help was what pulled me out of the rabbit hole. I realized that I could no longer get through this alone.

    That drugs (not running, or exercise, or “changing my mindset”) was what helped my brain. Does running help? Yes, it helps me cope, but it doesn’t cure my mental illness.

    That people I thought were there for me, were not. That I had to make peace with that. I finally knew who my people were. They stuck with me through my depression.

    That I would accept myself as I am, no matter what. That has taken me YEARS. I never thought I was good enough. Now I know different. Do I still have self doubt? Fuck, yes. But I know who I am, and what I am truly capable of. I try and remind myself of that on my bad days.

    That I would come to terms with daughter being diagnosed with a mental illness. I blamed myself, as I have said before. I was pretty sure I gave it to her. Like through her breathing my mentally ill air,or something. Once I battled that demon, I was able to be there for her.

    That I would see my mental illness as a pro, and not a con. I see things differently than other people. I can give a different perspective. I can offer insight.

    Anyone can have mental illness: youth, women, men. It doesn’t discriminate.

    Reminding myself daily that I didn’t choose this is what gets me through. Other days it’s also something small, like a song or a line from a book.

    I just have to remember to keep looking forward, because looking back is not good for me.

    That is when I falter. That is when I need my strength, because I never thought it would be this way.

    I never thought I would be mentally ill.

  • I’m Still Here

    I’m still medicated.

    I’m still fighting.

    Things have been hectic lately. Work has been absolutely overwhelming. Life is all over thr place.

    I was out yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. This is the earliest I have started it. I am feeling pretty good about having it started. It has made it easier on my anxiety. I am usually the last minute shopper mid-late December.

    I will still have my fancy Christmas anxiety, just hopefully not as much.

    Medication news: I am now on birth control for my peri menopause, because my body is all out of control with the hormonal stuff. This wreaks more havoc on my body, but is necessary for now.

    So I am medicated, and hormonal. THIS IS GREAT GUYS.

    Just trying to make it through the rest of the year without having some sort of meltdown.

    So far, I am keeping my head above water, although if I could hibernate for three days I would think I would feel a bit more centred.

    Feeling off balance equals feeling a loss of control, and I don’t function well when that happens.

    I am taking the early Christmas shopping as a win, and will trudge on with work. Will need to use my apps for meditation more often so I don’t do the downward spiral.

    I really need to up my water game too. I haven’t been consistent with that. Time to take the Hydro Flask back to work.

    On that note (because I am certain I am about to start rambling) I will leave you with this: remember to take care of yourself, because you matter too.

  • We’ve Got a New Drug

    Well, the me of we doesn’t.

    The V of we does.

    She is on a weaning off plan this week, with her new drug (Fetzima) to be started after that.

    She follows up with the doc in a month.

    This drug can be increased up to 120mg if need be.

    Fingers are crossed for this one.

    Maybe toes too.

    Better to have that little extra crossed for good measure!

    (Side Note: We saw the doc the day before Hurricane Dorian made its way to our part of the world. Thankfully we made it through unscathed on our little street. There is a lot of damage in certain areas of our city, but we fared well. Cleanup is underway and the power company is working to get everyone back on the grid as quickly as they can.)

  • Struggling With Self Worth

    This is a daily struggle for me.

    Part of my mental illness is a feeling of worthlessness.

    I doubt myself on an hourly basis.

    I never think I am good enough. On my good days I can gather up the gumption to kick that thought to the curb.

    But dammit it’s hard.

    When I was diagnosed with depression I was afraid of being a failure as not only a human, but as a mom. I wasn’t good enough to be mom, a daughter, a friend.

    I can see the worth in others, but not always in myself.

    Prioritizing time for me is hard. When I do take time for myself I feel guilty, because, let’s keep it real here, I don’t think I’m worth it.

    My brain tells me this every day, even with medication.

    I’m like a bad SNL skit throughout the day, reminding myself that I am worthy, I am capable, I am smart, and people do like me.

    I’m also bad at taking compliments because of this. Like, really bad. I feel embarrassed. NOT WORTHY.

    I’m good at pretending I have tons of confidence though. Sometimes, I almost give myself permission to feel as confident as I pretend I am.

    I am a work in progress. Always learning.

    I’ll get there. That place where I believe my worth.

    I may be 80 by the time that happens, but boy oh boy, will I be one kickass 80 year old!!

  • I’m Pretty Sure My Fingers Are F@&ED

    I’ve talked about this before.

    How I chew on my fingers when I am super stressed or full of life cramping anxiety.

    Well, GUESS WHAT. My new meds have evened me out with my anxiety, but I still chew my fingers like my life is going to end, goddammit.

    I also had to cut my nails off because some of them split on the sides from my intrusive teeth.

    I have a stress drawer at work, which is filled with mini chocolate bars and other miscellaneous treats for when I am stressed and full of MONSTER anxiety (this most lovely pic is the recent stress drawer inventory).

    I have decided that I need to use this drawer to seriously save my fingers.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I can eat carrots or broccoli and win the health aspect here, but I need comfort and sometimes a Jolly Rancher is what I need to get by.

    So yes, things are stressful.

    I know things will get back to normal.

    For now, my stress drawer is my sanity.

    As you were.

  • I’m Still Tired, Dammit

    It is finally sunny (and will be for more than a day) and I am still tired

    I am usually a solar powered human.

    The rain depleted me so very badly the last week.

    It’s going to take me a while to power back up, even with the extra vitamin D I took last week.

    Also, still being injured and not being able to run at all this weekend is a major bummer. I was able to do active recovery, but it just isn’t the same.

    I am moving around a lot more today, but a lot of it is nervous energy. My brain is firing on all cylinders.

    I feel like I am housing a tornado.

    I always question why I am so tired, and have to remind myself that my constant battle with my illness and the meds will make me tired. Some days are harder than others.

    I sometimes forget the physical aspect of my mental illness. It can be easy when you are in an okay spot. You forget how much it can hurt, can drag you down, can exhaust you.

    Pushing back can be tiring. On the harder days it can be downright defeating.

    But I get up, dust myself off and try again the next day.

    For now, I’ll forgive myself for being so tired, and remember that it won’t always be this exhausting.

    There is some good in my life right now, and that’s what I am focusing on.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day.

    Today is temporary. One moment of many.

    For now, the sun is shining 🙂

  • So Here’s The Thing

    I still have bad days, even on my medication.

    They do help, good gravy do they help. They keep me from going down the rabbit hole full tilt.

    They don’t “cure” my depression or my anxiety. They never will.

    This week was a circus show. Work went sideways. I am as hormonal as all get out.

    There just wasn’t enough good to bring me up this week.

    Even my runs were a hot mess.

    I missed Parkrun on Saturday because my brain and body were done Friday night and I slept for 12 hours. (I did get out for a run, which was sloggy.)

    I woke up today wanting to bawl my eyes out. Some mornings are like that, and sometimes I can’t shake it, even though I am medicated.

    Thankfully, today was a planned run with my BRF (Best Running Friend), and that really helped to bring me back to a more balanced place.

    I just have to remind myself that the bad days aren’t as bad as they have been, and I have the tools to balance things out.

    If that doesn’t work, I just ride out the bad day, and try again when I wake up.

    It really is day by day.

  • We’re Doing Okay

    Things are going well.

    My daughter’s meds seem to be working.

    She is slowly beginning to come back into the outside world, and I am very grateful.

    At the end of this week, we are off to sun and sand for a much needed vacation.

    After this vacation it will be a slow return to the gym for my Buggie. Keeping her moving and motivated will be the next step to her feeling better.

    I am absolutely exhausted. Waiting to see if the medication was going to work has been stressful. I didn’t want her to have to start over again, so I had been impatiently waiting to see what the results would be.

    I can’t begin to imagine what was going through her head during this whole process.

    It will be up to her if she wants to share her experience at a later date. For now, we are riding this train and hoping for a steady journey.

    Speaking of sharing, I’ll be sharing our trip on Instagram starting next weekend. Feel free to check it out! https://instagram.com/scrmgin2thevoid?r=nametag

  • Brains of a Feather

    We’ve had a rough couple of months.

    My Buggie was just not feeling herself, no matter what we tried.

    She was struggling a lot, and had a hard time getting out of bed. She physically hurt, and had no motivation (she loves to clean, for real, and she has not had the urge to clean anything).

    Getting her to go out has been a struggle. She would be so uncomfortable. Our outings were short ones.

    She became obsessed with her hamster habitat (she kept sending me pictures and ads for bigger ones) and I could not derail her.

    (We didn’t get a bigger habitat- this hamster lives a life of luxury in a huge bin.)

    Things were just not good all around.

    Thankfully, I was able to get her in to see the doctor today. She now has a new medication added to her regimen and we are hoping this works for her. If not, we need to try a whole new medication.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed. Watching her go through this has been hard.

    Having been there myself, I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to fix what’s wrong with your child, no matter how old they are.

    So for now, we wait, and see if this new combo works.

    Please let it work.

  • Rearranging My Room, The Head Cold, and Why is My Cat Being an Asshole?

    I decided (on Boxing Day) that I needed to rearrange my room.

    It is only the second time I’ve done this since living in this apartment because my room is an L shaped room. It stresses me out to rearrange it.

    I really wanted to move my stuff from one end to the other, but then I wouldn’t be able to open my door. Sigh.

    So, my bed is against a side wall, facing my windows. Not sure if this will last. But my brain wanted change, so this is it for now.

    (If I make it more than a month, I’ll consider it a win. My anxiety will determine juuuuust how long it stays that way.)

    Day after Boxing Day: wake up with boogerhead. Do some shopping. Get home and sit down. The plague arrives.

    Not really what I wanted, especially with the Resolution Run coming up on January 1st.

    I pretty much lived in bed with sinus meds on the 28th. Today (the 29th), I am out of bed and downstairs (woooooo). Still congested, but not dying!

    During all of this, my oldest cat (Nala, pictured above) decided to become a gigantic asshole and meow through the night…in my room…on my bed. Sometimes she just sits by my dresser and meows at the wall.

    I am thinking she may not like my room rearranging. (It’s better than thinking my room is haunted.)

    It hasn’t helped with me getting my rest, and when she’s had enough, she just saunters out at around 3am to go downstairs to her bed.

    She is old. Maybe she’s just being cranky to change. Maybe she’s trying to tell me I was wrong to change my room around. What does she know that I don’t?

    Maybe I need to take more meds and have a nap, lol.

    I am going to win this cold war, one nose blow at a time.

    Not sure about the Nala war. She may win that one, lol.

    Stay tuned to see if my brain decides to rearrange my room, again.