The Midlife Reframe

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  • Strength Training, Sole Sisters Race, and Life in General

    And so it begins…

    My strength training has started back up.  My body is like…WHOA, what are this?
    I may have lifted a little too much this week, so I am going to have to rethink my upper body weights a little, lol.  Lower body weights are just right, and my legs feel good.  Getting some cardio in on the elliptical and rowing machine and working my core as well.

    Lunchtime workouts -> Stress relievers!!
    Having a gym in the office building is great!  It gets me away from my desk at lunch 😉

    And this weekend, we volunteered!

     

    This weekend was Sole Sisters Race.   This is a race I have yet to run, but after TeenThing and I volunteered yesterday, she is all up for running it with her mom next year! 
    It was a very wet, rainy and chilly day, but 3200 women came out to walk and/or run with their moms, sisters, daughters and friends for what was a sea of purple tutu awesomeness.
    Best part – the rain stopped before the race! 

    (Note: we had a bus debacle and got soaked walking to the event, lol)

    This tshirt is soooooo soft!

    Look at all these tutus!

    Thankfully the rain stopped!

    And the start line filled up FAST!

    Teen Thing and I working bag check!
    It was a great day and great turnout!  I also ran into one of my @RunAtCan peeps and took a group photo for her!  But…..we forgot to take a pic with each other, lol.
    They have added new distances for 2016.  If you are looking for a fun race to do with the ladies – check it out!!

    What else is shakin’?

    Well, I made it through the step down off my meds.  It was touch and go there for a while.  Some crappy stuff happened and I was able to deal with my newfound coping skills, so, all good!
    ** Not saying this is a “Woohoo my life will be med free” journey, because I am a realist, but for now I am okay.
    TeenThing has shown some interest in running, so since I am basically going to be starting over she is going to tag along 🙂  This is good, because it will keep me on a plan and not go bonkers when I lace up.
    So for now, that is what’s going down around here.

    My FitBit?

    I’m wearing it.  Not accepting any challenges.  Just seeing where it takes me.

    So tune in next week….I’ll be keeping you in the loop about all things #crazymamaruns!
     

  • Not Gonna Lie…I’ve Been a Slacker

    Yes, I’ve Been Absent…

     

    It’s not because I haven’t wanted to write, because I have a gazillion things in my brain, but a lot of life has gotten in the way.

    I have been flat out at work, and when I get home, I have enough in me to make supper, do “something” and then crash.

    Not a fantastic or ideal scenario, but as a single mom, sometimes this happens.

    That’s right….sometimes, life DOES get in the way!

    This has also affected my physical fitness, which means less yoga (but I was still doing my physio exercises – because my comeback is looming!).

    I noticed how much I was affected IN A BIG WAY when I went for my massage therapy last Friday.

    I haven’t had a massage in well over a year (bad Amy) and when I came out of that deep tissue massage, I was a different person.

    I didn’t hurt immediately.  But by 9pm, I was super sleepy and sore.  Not a bad sore, but a “holy-crap-I-was-so-tight-this-feels-weird” sore.

    We worked on my “running parts” – so everything from my lower back down was out of commission, lol.  It took a couple of days for everything to come back, but I can tell a difference for sure.  He also gave me some stretches which are making a big difference as well.

    So….when do you think you will be running again?

     

    I have been “cleared” for August.  And that was me saying “August is good, right?” to my PT.

    Not saying I won’t listen, but if I continue my strength training and start as a beginner, I am hoping to start a run/walk in July.  This is so I can include my daughter in my training and hopefully foster a love of running in her, as she has shown interest (woop!).

    What about the gym?

     

    This week has been a write off.  Two full day meeting with working lunches zapped me.  Small yoga shesh at home.  Wednesday was another day that I just had nothing and today, well I just wanted to get through today. 

    My “Meh” Wednesday Face…

    (TeenThing and I will be partaking in some sort of pilates/yoga/walk thing here shortly.)

    Are these excuses?  No.

    In my short past life as a personal trainer, I would have said yes.  But, being a human being managing her mental illness, these are not excuses.  Stress takes a toll and with the anxiety lurking, it can knock me down.  

    I know that, for me, I need to take a step back and meditate, relax and sleep.  Physical activity sometimes, is just not an option.  My brain needs the step down.  My body will bounce back quicker.

    What about your FitBit?

     

    I know you are all wondering about it.

    It is still on my dresser.

    Will I wear it again?  Yes.

    Next month?  Maybe.  We’ll see.

    Now that I can confidently say it doesn’t define me as person, I will be comfortable putting it back on.

    Comeback Race?

     

    Deciding.  Once I get a good solid running foundation under my belt, I will be able to book something confidently.

    I have some lined up.  So come back soon to see what I’ve got up my sleeve!

    #crazymamaruns

  • BlueNose Marathon Weekend 2015 Expo with #RunAtCan – #Giver!

    A Long Weekend Calls for a Race

    And here in Halifax, the “May 2-4” Weekend is the BlueNose Marathon Race Weekend!
    This was my very first race as a runner, so I am a little biased as to it’s awesomeness.

    I did this on a whim – and haven’t looked back.
    Halifax is hilly, so if you want a flat race, you won’t get that here!  Just check out #BNMarathon2015 or @BlueNoseMarathon to see pics 🙂
    I could not race this year, as I am only cleared to run in August, so I hopped on the Volunteer train and signed up to hand out the bling!

     

     

     

    Race Expo

    This year I was able to hang out with some of my super awesome Twitter fam at the Expo.  The Twitter Group @RunAtCan had a panel discussion on Social Media and Running.  The panel was great at sharing their experiences, their views on Social Media and what platform they found useful to connect with other runners.

    Left to Right: Andrew Paris, Anna Sherwood, Andrew Chak and Paul Merrigan
    Our Sunday Night #RunAtCan Twitter chats have grown from a small Atlantic Canadian group to folks from all over North America and beyond!  The #RunAtCan community is one I am proud to be a member of.  We have created a family, and I am very lucky to call these people my friends.

    Group Shot with John Stanton 🙂  With Charlotte Flewelling and Durwin Brennan peeking out in the back.

    Vancouver MARATHON Finisher Nicola!  Wheeeeeee!

    Photobombed by that Paul Merrigan while getting a shot with Renee!

    The awesome Krysten 🙂

    The running community is amazing.  When I first started to run, I had no idea that there was this giant family of runners out there.  No matter what level you are at, there are always runners there to give you encouragement, advice and accolades.

    Race Day

    I was up a 5:15am.  And there was SOME light.  Forecast was calling for 60% chance of showers.

    Layering up – it was a little chilly!

    Arrived at the Scotiabank Centre for my shift and took a few quick shots of the runners heading up to the Start Line.

    And….

    Here they come!

    Look – my hand!  lol  And a little bit of rain…that’s Team Myles going up Carmichael!


     

    You will definitely get an arm workout giving out the bling.  Some wicked bicep curls were going on for sure 😉  I worked with a fantastic group of people.  We cheered folks in and helped out some Marathoners walk down the hill into the Scotiabank Centre….yes, down the hill.  It rained a little bit at the start of the main races, but held off for the remainder!  Yay!

    I was able to give SO MANY of my friends their medals, and I was able to meet SO MANY Twitter peeps!


    Steph – YOU ROCK!
    I have said it before, and I will say it again, if you have the chance VOLUNTEER!  You get to see the “inner workings” of a race and you get to give back to the running community.
    Next year, I am running the BlueNose, and I am hoping to PB for the half (2:10 is my time to beat).  
    To everyone that ran today, you all did AMAZING!  Congrats 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • Why is my FitBit on my Dresser??

    Yes. On my Dresser.

     
    Those who saw my personal account post on Facebook know where I am going with this.
     
    My FitBit was a Christmas Gift.  I was super excited!!! Finally, I had a fitness tracker.
     
    The joy of watching my steps per day – awesome.
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    I would be so happy when the lights danced and it did it’s special little vibration. 

    Like a party on my wrist!  Plus, it could track my sleep AND wake me up!!

     
    Then, I had my knee surgery.
     
    Went off my anti-depressants/anxiety meds.
     
    My FitBit went from a device that I loved, to the “evil bitch” voice in my head.
     

    “Wow, look at his/her steps.”  

    “Why can’t you get that many steps?” 

    “Look, another challenge and your FitBit isn’t syncing your goal and steps over goal.”  

    “What are you doing wrong?”

     
    Basically, a Broken Record
     
    And so, I decided that for the month of May, I am going FitBit free.
     
    I posted it on Facebook, so that there would be some accountability.  A fellow FitBit lover questioned it, and because my anxiety was close to consuming me, I felt I had to respond.  It may have been a little over the top, but I wanted people to know that sometimes, having a mental illness can suck the fun out of fun stuff:
     
    “I’m not saying it isn’t great motivation, but when you have  a mental illness, and you are working on dealing with that med free, it becomes a problem. Part of my mental illness is obsessive thinking.  If I “think” something is wrong or “needs to be fixed”, I won’t stop until I think it is fixed.  I don’t necessarily NEED motivation to move, I’m a runner, albeit an injured one.  Instead of focusing on my strength training, I worry about steps.  Because it’s there, every day.  If my app syncs but my challenges don’t update, I obsess, syncing and syncing and freaking out when it doesn’t work.  THAT is not good for my mental health, which is a large part of MY motivation to move.  So for now, while I am in rehab mode from the surgery and strength training, no FitBit.  Until I can wear it and not “hear a skipping record that won’t shut off”, it will stay on my dresser.  I want to love my FitBit, not hate it.”
     
    So, will I wear it again?
     
    Yes.  No doubt in my mind.
     
    I will wear it when I know (and am comfortable with) the fact that I may or may NOT hit 10,000 steps a day.  
     
    When my steps do not define my day or myself.
     

    When the record stops skipping.

     
    #crazymamaruns

  • Weight of the World….

    And Why It Reminds Me to Refocus

    I carry a lot on my shoulders.  Some of it is placed there by me.

    I over think everything, obsessively.

    Not being able to control my environment throws me into a tailspin sometimes.

    So, until I am cleared to run (my ultimate stress reliever), I’ve been walking and packing my gym bag to shake off everything that has been weighing me down.  Also, a heavy rotation of Silva Meditation. 

    The elliptical is kinda like running!

    Like a lot of moms, I place unrealistic expectations on myself.  I am probably my most harshest critic. 

    We carry way too much, and need to give ourselves a break.  We CAN’T do it all.  And we should NOT feel bad about that.

    Being able to workout gives me peace of mind and reminds me that I need to take care of myself!

    Aren’t you sore from just jumping back in?

    Heck ya!  Everything HURTS.  I am jonesing to run, so taking on the elliptical and rowing machine are my replacement…lol.  Hoping to have my strength training plan written up shortly so I can put it into rotation this week.

    Physio?

    It’s going great!  I have started weight bearing exercises with my right leg, so we are making great progress.

    Yoga?

    Soooooooon.  Once I get the “yes, you can REALLY single leg weight bear” from Joel, look out!  LOL.  I really really really miss my hot yoga.

    What’s on tap for this week?

    Work (duh).

    My usual Physio Appointments Tuesday and Thursday.

    The last of the #JustPlankIt challenge.

    This is killing me, but the brownie today helped, lol.

    Gym time, and my walks.

    So, if you are hooked up with MapMyWalk, let me know!  I just started tracking my walks…….yesterday, lol.

    #crazymamaruns



     

  • When Life Throws You Lemons…..

    Well, we all have our ending to this phrase, lol.

    I say throw because the good and bad are not always handed to you.  Sometimes it comes right at you.
    To say the last week has been trying would be correct.
    I won’t sit here and lament or wax poetic.  Mostly because a lot of it is private and I am respecting other people’s privacy.  They all deserve that.

    What the heck does that have to do with lemons and crap?

    Well, struggling with depression on and off for 4 years has really given me insight.  Being off my meds and dealing with ALL THE FEELINGS has been working out okay. Sometimes I follow my own insight.  Sometimes I hide in my fort. 

    But it’s a choice.

    A choice to hide from the world and think about all the crappy things….OR….find what makes you happy and embrace life.  Even the crap.  Because the crap is a lesson.

    A good friend of mine challenged a few of us to write down what we were grateful for this week.  I’ve saved it in my email, because it’s something I want to add to and when I look at it I remember that my life isn’t so sucky as I sometimes think.

    It has, this week anyway, put things into perspective for me.

    I know what motivates me, and what doesn’t.

    With this knowledge I am beginning this week anew.

    Building a better, faster, stronger Amy.

    (A small snippet from my list:

    Water.

    Watermelon.

    Kites.

    Skates.

    Sneakers.

    Lululemon….lol.

    Running skirts.

    My depression and anxiety – because I am forced to take a step back and focus.)

    What will this entail Amy??

    Well, I am looking into purchasing a bike.  Not being cleared to run yet (BUT, I have been cleared to run in the Fall – Booya!) I am looking for something challenging that will get me outside.  Don’t get me wrong, I love walking.  I just need something different.
    Also, much core and upper body work (don’t worry, I will not cancel leg day, haha) to carry me through when my legs are thinking about giving up during my races next year.


    This is a “start again” moment, and I am taking advantage of it.

    What will we be seeing?

    More insightful posts (hopefully! lol), related to my new journey.

    Encouragement, support, some high fives, and lots of funny.

    Because what’s life without funny!

    So come along, ask questions, and join in on the conversation 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • It’s Like Withdrawal

    Even With a Step Down Plan…

    It’s been a roller coaster ride.
    I had tweeted how ALIVE I felt on Monday.
    Alive.
    Maybe too much.
    Going from feeling pretty much level to the point of becoming numb to dealing with the influx of feelings has been hard.  My brain is trying to “rewire” itself after letting medication do it for so long.  Giving me the big WTF.
    Keeping things in focus has been a challenge.  Trying to remain on task has been hard.
    I want to laugh, cry, and punch someone.
    I know right?
    And yet, I am thankful for it.
    (I know what you are thinking – you’re THANKFUL for your mental illness?  THANKFUL for coming off the drugs and feeling overwhelmed?)

    Yes (I haven’t been to India, lol, but this song really sums things up).
    Because even with all the hard parts, I am now remembering how it feels to be passionate, engaged, hopeful.
    It’s a struggle, even on my best days.  Those around me probably often wonder “What the WHAT?” as I flounder through my day.  But they let me flounder, knowing that I will own up to my obsessive thinking and back up the bus if told.
    I am hoping to get an update on physio if there is an actual ETA on when I can run again so I have something to focus on and work towards.
    I try and pick small things daily to focus on, hence all my planks, lol.

     

    Keeping my core strong will come in handy big time when I get back to running.  Also with the yoga and workouts I am able to do right now I am keeping my upper body strength in check.

    Strong core and a strong upper body can help me push through even when my legs may not want to.

    They come in handy on hills!



    I am still real about it…

    Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I am “healed”.  I know that there may be a chance that I will need help, that I may not be able to “do it all” on my own.

    My support system rocks, and I know at times they are overwhelmed as well.

    So, I want to say thank you to you.  Those of you who are with me every day.  Who work with me, live with me, hang out with me, and love me.

    Thank you as well to my online family.  You are there no matter what time of day I vent, even at 2:00am.  Advantages of Twitter, lol.

    To those who are still not sure about sharing their mental illness, know that you are not alone.  Those of us who speak out feel just like you do.
    Hang in there.
    I am 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 2)

    Wellll……

    What we woke up to during Storm #1
    This past week on the East Coast of Canada has not been ideal.  While other parts of the country have actually been having a transition into Spring, we have had THIS. Snow snow and more snow 😦

    After the Storm #1 (EC has the snow on the ground for this day at 34 cms) during Saturday evening/Sunday Morning, they were forecasting (at first) 5cms for Tuesday eve into Wednesday.
    My 4:30ish am shot on Wednesday.
    We woke up to SNOWMAGGEDON. 
    For those who are not aware, in February 2004 we had quite a blizzard, which was dubbed “White Juan”.  It was given this name because on September 29, 2003, Halifax was hit with Hurricane Juan.  (The name Juan was retired after this storm)
    I was living here during both storms.  Both powerful, both causing damage and states of emergency.
    So when I looked out my window on Wednesday morning, I was not hopeful that it would be ending any time soon.

     

    So much for 5cms…which was then upgraded to 30cms, and then….this.

    And it didn’t.  It snowed….ALL DAY…..and into the evening.  My office was closed, Halifax was basically shut down.


    And yes, we actually ventured out…

    My brother had graduated from the Military Policy Academy earlier this month and came home to move his family to CFB Suffield.
    They were in a hotel not far from us.
    We had ventured down later in the evening (to say our goodbyes) on roads that used to be two lanes, but were cut down to one.
    You could not really get down my street, although cabin fever got to some folks and they braved the elements.

    The bite-y snow
    It was not easy getting around and the snow seemed to be coming from every direction.
    I ventured out once earlier in the day to see what was going on.  I made it to the end of my road and turned around.
    It was very bite-y.
      
    To get to my brother and his family, my daughter and I had to get to the main road to be picked up by my parents.

    We encountered a dad with his two littles who were out (mostly for dad’s sanity I am sure…).  And then a truck came up the main road and stopped.  Not sure if he was just stuck, tired or maybe waiting to turn around in disgust.


    The Main Road – inbetween wind gusts.
    As we said our goodbyes, the storm raged on.
    We left the hotel just before it got too dark.  And the travelling was just as crappy.
    People were driving like jerks and the weather was getting to everyone.  We hunkered down for the rest of the evening and waited for an announcement on Halifax Transit for Thursday (they cancelled all services on Wednesday).

    My Street Wednesday Evening…
    My office was closed again Thursday.  Halifax Transit delayed service as the main garage was unstable (the snow on the roof causing some issues) and only provided the basic service from 3pm on.
    Luckily, my physiotherapy office is just down the road from my place.  My Wednesday appointment had been cancelled, so I went in on Thursday morning.
    Those drifts on Thursday morning – twice my height. 

     

    And then, another yucky mess

    We had another gross “weather event” last night.  This did bring some rain, but then it snowed.

    This morning…with the mocking sun behind the clouds…sigh.
    Not like our last two storms, but still, I think we are all tired now.
    Some folks here have shovelled out their own streets, sidewalks and roofs.  There are still sidewalks by my place that we may not see until June (yes, that is sarcasm, lol).
    Some building roofs collapsing under the heavy snow.  Some retailers have been closed for the past couple of days because of the structural concern.

    The wind howls outside today.
    And March Break is over.
    I am wondering what tomorrow will bring, as Friday was not an ideal commute to OR from the office.  A lot of kids will be walking on the street (as us adults were last week).  Being a pedestrian is a little dangerous right now.
    So, if anyone is hiring legal staff in Belize, let me know.  I’d be willing to seriously consider it 😉

    #crazymamaruns

     

     

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 1)

    Well, quite a bit.


    I am full on into physio and progressing.  Which is good, it is keeping me focused!

    My after physio face:

    Back to work and feeling good now that I am using my brain again (high fives all around).


    BUT…..

    Yep, there is a but.

    I have been experiencing some discontinuation symptoms from my step down off the meds.  Today is the first day since we started the plan that I have no nausea, dizziness or confusion.  I have also been getting tongue tied, experiencing some lethargy and fatigue.

    It hasn’t been a fun ride.  But neither was the fall down the rabbit hole.

    I’ve been on these meds for 4 years.  I was becoming numb though.  Not really “feeling”.  Just existing.

    It feels, in some ways, like an eternity.

    Like a really long movie.

    I carry every experience with me and have learned so much.  About myself, my coping skills, my feelings.

    I am an “obsessive thinker”. If I feel like I have done something wrong, or feel like I am under attack, my brain goes into overdrive.  Fight or flight ramps up and it could go either way.

    I have been using meditation as a coping skill.  To centre and focus so I can reign in those thoughts, feelings, and calm the fight or flight instinct.

    I own everything.  Every mistake, every feeling.

    And Now….Now I Start Taking it Back

    My power.

    My mental health.

    My physical health.

    I am very impatient.  My urge to run is very strong.

    But with surgery and now early arthritis medial compartment (where the OCD was in my femur) I have to be smarter.  More efficient.  And patient.

    I ask all kinds of questions.  I love learning.

    And So, I Start Over

    Back to Basics.

    Rebuild my strength while following the instructions from my physiotherapist.



    I will be patient.


    I will work hard.

    And I will try not to cry about our recent snowmaggedon in Halifax, NS

    Why did I use “snowmaggedon”?

    You’ll have to wait for Part 2 😉

    In the meantime, my #FightForHappy has ramped back up!


    #crazymamaruns

  • Back at Work and Weaning Off My Meds

    I am not talking post surgery meds.

    I am talking about my anti-depressants.

    With the advice of my physician, we did the Step Down Plan during my last visit.  We are both confident that I now have the ability to do so.  I know my triggers and have better coping skills than before and I am in a much better place in my life.

    I’ve been on Step Down #1 for about a week now.  We have moved onto Step Down #2 until my current box of meds are empty.

    Scared?  Apprehensive?

    Not really.  Now that I am on the road to recovery with my knee, I can get outside and move.  Kind of, if I walk on the street and not the killer icewalks we have here in Halifax right now.

    Killer Icewalk – on just about every street.  This is INCHES of ice.



    What About Your Physical Activity?

    I WILL be getting back to running and yoga with the help of my physiotherapist!  I just need to be patient and take it day by day.  I hope to be running once the weather is much nicer and I can SEE the actual sidewalks.

    How Will You Continue to Cope Off the Meds? 

    I am continuing my meditation, which really works wonders for me.  The same thing with Yoga.  The movement and self focus is really great.  Self care is important.

    First Day of Work?  How did THAT go?

    Really well!  Some time was spent catching up this morning.  I also sat on the phone in the queue for some software that I needed product activation for.  Chair danced to some jazz tunes.  Not a bad day all in all.

    I have a little bit of back pain, lingering from a herniated nucleus pulposis – FUN!  I really have to watch that I don’t slump and retain the natural curve in my back.

    All in all though,  I did really well today.  The knee is a little sore and stiff, but with time and physio, all good 🙂  The main point is keep moving, listen to my body, and believe in the process.  

    Also – WINNING THE MANCOLD BATTLE!

    Where From Here?

    UP!

    I am super positive about my recovery and look forward to continuing on my journey.

    To get back to my fitness regime – pumped.  To do more with my TeenThing – pumped.  To be able to work out and run with my Greg – pumped.  To run with my BRB – PUMPED!

    Also, keeping it positive and in check with my mental health.  There is always a chance that I may have to go back on my meds.  If I do, it’s not a setback.  It’s a pit stop on my journey where I need to reset and move forward.

    And now – I leave you with an earworm.  Because I can’t get this song out of my head!!!!!!


    #crazymamaruns