The Midlife Reframe

Category: supportive

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • BlogJam 2015, Ativan and How 8 1/2 x 11 Paper is Bad for Speaking Notes

    I Enjoyed Every Minute of BlogJam 2015!!

    Even though I wanted to vomit.  
    And not because I had a bug.
    My day started off early, as I was taking the Public Limo downtown.  This only runs every hour on Sunday.
    Once I arrived at the Ferry Terminal I was able to catch the amazing sunrise over the harbour 🙂

    After which I had to Periscope my Wake Up!
    I was early, so I grabbed my reusable coffee mug at work.  Because environment.
    My anxiety level was at a very low 10%.  Yay.
    On arrival, I was able to see the BlogJam Team in action.  They were awesome! Seeing them pull it all together before registration was kind of calming 😉
    One of my favourite parts.  MAKING MY OWN NAME TAG!!

     

    Sparkly 🙂

    I then fuelled up while I waited for my fellow bloggers to arrive.  I was so lucky to be able to spend the day with some of my favs!!

    Anxiety level was creeping up….like 25%.

    And Then it Began….

    KeyNote Speaker was Vicki Murphy (aka @MotherFumbler) who got the mood set with a down to earth, real, and HILARIOUS welcome.

    (GIRL CRUSH – I LOVE HER.)

    I was then on a mission to learn, all while attempting to silence the looming anti-voice inside my head.

    So off I went to follow the “be real” theme that ran through the 2nd floor of the Marriott Waterfront.
    (Some real:  I was slowly losing my shit.)
    I attended some awesome sessions.  I mean look at this.  It was so hard to chose!

    And then we eat.  You know, not long before MY presentation.

    Lunchtime arrived and every one broke off to eat.  I bought my lunch, so I grabbed my bag filled with chicken ceasar wrap awesomeness and took an Ativan.  Yep.  Medicated myself.
    Anxiety level….reaching 110%.  For real. 
    Luckily, after I scarfed my lunch down, I was able to hide behind Adam Purcell‘s table, where I charged my phone and tried NOT to vomit, while praying to the Ativan God to HURRY UP AND WORK ALREADY.

    I then removed myself from the area.  I could not attend a session before mine.  It was just NOT going to happen.
    I listened to some music and decided I NEEDED TO RUN.

    Yep.

    Took off my boots.


    I love these little boots 🙂

    I ran outside of the main presentation rooms.  For real.

    I did some downward dogs.  

    A few pushups.  

    And took a big deep breath.

    Anxiety level….CODE RED.

    But it was go time.

    And so I did it.

    I stood up in front of people and spoke.


    I had speaking notes, which was a printout of my bullet points.

    I can’t remember what I said, for the life of me, but I remember this:  that paper is big, maybe not in the paper world, but for someone who was killing paperclips by the millisecond, it was the largest paper I had ever seen.

    By this point, even with my friend Ativan, the voice of my mental illness was LOUD inside my head.  I was doubting every word that came out of my mouth.  
    That being said, I hope something got across to the absolutely wonderful folks who came and sat in on my session.  You were a wonderful group of people.  Some who I knew, and some I met that morning.  
    I kind of lost myself near the end, mostly because of THAT PAPER, but I did it.

    I survived the voices in my head.
    Also, I got some AWESOME JAM!!

    This jam ROCKS!

    What Did I Learn?

    BE REAL.  Above all else.

    We all have a voice.  Find it.  Write with it.

    Say yes, no matter what the outcome.

    Group Panel sessions are great to get different perspectives.

    If you get stuck when writing, it’s okay.  We all get stuck.

    Put yourself out there by taking chances.

    Bloggers are awesome people….and I am one of them.

    Thank you BlogJam 2015!  You let me step outside of my comfort zone.  I learned so much!

    See you next year 🙂



    @crazymamaruns







  • When Life Throws You Lemons…..

    Well, we all have our ending to this phrase, lol.

    I say throw because the good and bad are not always handed to you.  Sometimes it comes right at you.
    To say the last week has been trying would be correct.
    I won’t sit here and lament or wax poetic.  Mostly because a lot of it is private and I am respecting other people’s privacy.  They all deserve that.

    What the heck does that have to do with lemons and crap?

    Well, struggling with depression on and off for 4 years has really given me insight.  Being off my meds and dealing with ALL THE FEELINGS has been working out okay. Sometimes I follow my own insight.  Sometimes I hide in my fort. 

    But it’s a choice.

    A choice to hide from the world and think about all the crappy things….OR….find what makes you happy and embrace life.  Even the crap.  Because the crap is a lesson.

    A good friend of mine challenged a few of us to write down what we were grateful for this week.  I’ve saved it in my email, because it’s something I want to add to and when I look at it I remember that my life isn’t so sucky as I sometimes think.

    It has, this week anyway, put things into perspective for me.

    I know what motivates me, and what doesn’t.

    With this knowledge I am beginning this week anew.

    Building a better, faster, stronger Amy.

    (A small snippet from my list:

    Water.

    Watermelon.

    Kites.

    Skates.

    Sneakers.

    Lululemon….lol.

    Running skirts.

    My depression and anxiety – because I am forced to take a step back and focus.)

    What will this entail Amy??

    Well, I am looking into purchasing a bike.  Not being cleared to run yet (BUT, I have been cleared to run in the Fall – Booya!) I am looking for something challenging that will get me outside.  Don’t get me wrong, I love walking.  I just need something different.
    Also, much core and upper body work (don’t worry, I will not cancel leg day, haha) to carry me through when my legs are thinking about giving up during my races next year.


    This is a “start again” moment, and I am taking advantage of it.

    What will we be seeing?

    More insightful posts (hopefully! lol), related to my new journey.

    Encouragement, support, some high fives, and lots of funny.

    Because what’s life without funny!

    So come along, ask questions, and join in on the conversation 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • It’s Like Withdrawal

    Even With a Step Down Plan…

    It’s been a roller coaster ride.
    I had tweeted how ALIVE I felt on Monday.
    Alive.
    Maybe too much.
    Going from feeling pretty much level to the point of becoming numb to dealing with the influx of feelings has been hard.  My brain is trying to “rewire” itself after letting medication do it for so long.  Giving me the big WTF.
    Keeping things in focus has been a challenge.  Trying to remain on task has been hard.
    I want to laugh, cry, and punch someone.
    I know right?
    And yet, I am thankful for it.
    (I know what you are thinking – you’re THANKFUL for your mental illness?  THANKFUL for coming off the drugs and feeling overwhelmed?)

    Yes (I haven’t been to India, lol, but this song really sums things up).
    Because even with all the hard parts, I am now remembering how it feels to be passionate, engaged, hopeful.
    It’s a struggle, even on my best days.  Those around me probably often wonder “What the WHAT?” as I flounder through my day.  But they let me flounder, knowing that I will own up to my obsessive thinking and back up the bus if told.
    I am hoping to get an update on physio if there is an actual ETA on when I can run again so I have something to focus on and work towards.
    I try and pick small things daily to focus on, hence all my planks, lol.

     

    Keeping my core strong will come in handy big time when I get back to running.  Also with the yoga and workouts I am able to do right now I am keeping my upper body strength in check.

    Strong core and a strong upper body can help me push through even when my legs may not want to.

    They come in handy on hills!



    I am still real about it…

    Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I am “healed”.  I know that there may be a chance that I will need help, that I may not be able to “do it all” on my own.

    My support system rocks, and I know at times they are overwhelmed as well.

    So, I want to say thank you to you.  Those of you who are with me every day.  Who work with me, live with me, hang out with me, and love me.

    Thank you as well to my online family.  You are there no matter what time of day I vent, even at 2:00am.  Advantages of Twitter, lol.

    To those who are still not sure about sharing their mental illness, know that you are not alone.  Those of us who speak out feel just like you do.
    Hang in there.
    I am 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • Back to the GYM!!!

    I know, Super Pumped RIGHT???


    Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve actually been to gym before.  Worked in one even.  Trained people too 😉

    This is a nice small gym at my workplace (big bonus points – it’s RIGHT THERE) and I know the guy who runs it very well.  I always feel welcome and he knows that I was a trainer in the past.  So he lets me do my thing and we chat about my injury and what I am thinking of doing in the future with my fitness.  It’s nice and chill.

    There is only one other gym I would frequent in the HRM – and that is 360 Fit

    Devin and the gang at 360 Fit are wicked awesome.  If they were closer to me in Halifax, I would be kickin’ it there 😉  But  they’re in Burnside…and it would take me forever to get there at lunch.  If you are over the bridge and are looking for some killer bootcamps and trainers…GO TO THIS GYM!

    As I sit here typing, my legs are nice and sore (legs on the elliptical day yesterday).  I chose the elliptical because cardio…and it gave me something to hold onto while I worked the legs.  I am not a “bouncer” on the elliptical.  I want to work my muscles, not jiggle my junk…lol.  It felt great and I am once again hooked!

    I went for a walk with my friend T today on the waterfront, and we climbed the Danger Wave 😉  

    Danger Wave….beware



    Tomorrow is yoga at the gym , which is good because these legs need a good stretch and my inner peace needs some major peace (and there is a nice spot for me to hang where I can keep my balance, not fall over and hurt others!).  This is also in addition to my yoga challenge – Day 29 tomorrow!!!!

    I do miss my hot yoga….maybe after surgery, and recovery, and physio….

    So, stay tuned for some workouts and gym selfies!  Woooooo!

    And Christmas stuff…because it’s December, and I love Christmas!!

    But my next post is my review of my 30 Day Yoga Challenge.

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • Okay, For the Most Part, I LOVE Social Media

    It’s a way for everyone to connect, share, and educate.

    Until you read small 140 character blurps that can be misinterpreted.

    It’s like broken telephone.  What you want to say ends up being shortened with no real “meat” to it.

    After our trek to Lawrencetown Beach today to watch the waves and hike along the cliff to get some cool “post-Gonzalo” wave pics:

      
    My Greg and I were catching up on news/events through our social media as we are geeks and it’s a great way to get a quick snapshot of what’s going on.  We both had friends running marathons, so it’s great to keep up on the event.
    While we were chatting, he came across a tweet that said something to the effect of: if you eat small meals your stomach will stay small and you will be able to see “your abs”.  Now I am hoping that this was not now it was intended to be read.  But the written word can be misinterpreted.

    THIS is why irked me:

    Your stomach is located here:
    The intestines, below.  “Abs” are the muscles.  Not your stomach.
    Fat surrounds muscles, body organs, etc.  It gets everywhere.  You need to eat clean and exercise to burn the fat and create lean muscle.  Burning the fat allows the lean muscles to “show through”.
    Yes, the stomach does stretch, but it also contracts.  Unless you are eating GIGANTIC meals at every sit down, it won’t be an issue.  [Once you continue to stretch out your stomach by overeating on a regular basis [like every day] the switch that sends the signals your stomach sends to your brain, indicating fullness and hunger, starts to get gummed up. After a while your stomach only says, “I’m full,” after its severely stretched out. And then it may start to go “HEY! Feed me!,” when its still half-full.]

    Small meals?  Yes, eating every 2-3 hours throughout the day is good – because your metabolism stays fired up, and working out builds your lean muscles, which in turn make them fat burning machines.  The whole wording of that tweet just irked me to no end.

    If you are still reading…..A bigger reason why it irked me:

    In a time where we are trying to empower our young women (and men) to be HEALTHY – not skinny, I am so afraid that there are young men and women out there reading the 140 character snippets or FB posts and misinterpreting the meaning behind it.  They will not dig to find out what is BEHIND the tweet, or FB post, or any other social media blurb.  They read it and believe it.

    This is a part of the reason I am proud to be an Ambassador for Sweat Pink (Fit Approach) , Girls Gone Sporty and My Soxy Feet.  These are communities that support EVERYONE and we share information that has “meat” to it.  We ask questions.  We read.  We investigate.  We blog and share our experiences with the public.

    It is also why I love my Twitter running fam.  We share our information on what has worked for us during weekly chats.


    What we have to remember is:  every person will have their own special formula that works for them, because WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.  

    We are so much more that 140 characters, a Facebook post, an Ello post, or a forum comment.

    Keep asking questions.  Don’t limit your knowledge to a tweet, a post, or a picture.

    I’ll end with this:

    My advice:  Ask an expert.  A doctor, a nutritionist, sports specialist.  Get information for YOU.

    Best advice:  Love yourself for who you are.  Get healthy because you WANT to.  For YOU.  Healthy comes in many sizes.  Don’t think you need to look a certain way to be healthy.

    Keep. Asking. Questions.


    #crazymamaruns