The Midlife Reframe

Category: recovery

  • And then…..

    Here I am, hoping that I am on the path to burnout recovery.

    I’m getting some energy back, and I don’t want to hide from everyone all the time (only about 85% of the time, lol).

    I’m still on hormone replacement therapy…pills and gel because the patch is not available and always on back order. I am certain that this has been holding me together.

    I have fully embraced my “fuck it” era. I say what needs to said now.

    Therapy helps, a lot.

    I’m also planning for an event for next fall, and this is sparking up my creative brain. I am a planner, so diving into something has been refreshing.

    Vacation is coming up soon. I see beach time in my future and I’ve booked an overnight in a glamping dome.

    I’m using those two weeks to recharge and recover.

    A lot of things are changing, and most of them are for the good.

    This is a short and sweet check in.

    I’m currently on my balcony relaxing, and I hope you are finding the time to unwind and breathe.

    Until next time!

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • Clearing Out The Cobwebs

    There comes a time, when I am “better”, that I reevaluate a lot of things in my life: Why am I holding onto so many things? What purpose do they serve? Why am I holding onto this anger from 10 years ago?

    Lately, I have been pulling down those cobwebs that I have been looking at, but never do anything about.

    They aren’t making me happy.

    They aren’t supporting me in any way.

    They are taking up space that can be used by something that will make me happy and help me feel supported.

    I’ve changed a lot the past few years, and I am definitely NOT the woman I was 10 years ago.

    So it’s time to clean house.

    I need to make room for the good, so the next bad time in my life doesn’t feel so dark.

    #WorthLiving

  • Calf Strain, Compression Sleeves, and Recovery

    The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training:  Calf Strain, Compression Sleeves and Recovery

    Thinking Face:  On
    I’ve been all over the place lately.
    Physio, work, small runs and workouts.
    My motivation waxes and wanes, even though I have a half marathon coming up.
    I think a lot during my physio appointments.  Even when she is dry needling my calf, lol.  It is my first dry needling experience (I have had acupuncture before, for my IT band).  I am a big convert!
    A visit to my RMT last weekend also played a big part in my return to running this week…even though he did beat my leg up 😉
    I swing my right hip out more than my left.  He hurt my hips too.  But he rocks, so I take it all in stride.  The end result is worth the pain.

    Thinking.  About what??

    At one point, I had considered pushing my distance back.  The “You Can’t Do This” voice was strong.  Sometimes, that voice is hard to fight.  I told it to frig off.
    Then my thoughts went to prevention.  How can I NOT get hurt again before my race in May after my physio and massages?  (Outside of keeping my fitness regime intact, of course.)
    Answer:  Compression.  I have socks.  I was wearing them for recovery.  Now I am wearing compression when I run.   I have also purchased compression calf sleeves.  This way I can wear my regular socks while I have my sleeves on under my pants 🙂
    Before my knee injury in 2014, I really didn’t give a thought to compression.  None.  I trudged along after my runs and races.  Now that I have been wearing compression, I wonder how I got along all those years without it!!!  My legs feel better, and it puts my mind at ease.

    So, the recovery/race mission?

    My pretty Brooks Glycerin 13s
    I ran my longest distance in a while yesterday.  6kms.
    Compression socks on.  Ran with Clayton Park Runners.
    I tried to not think about my leg while I ran.
    This made me think MORE about my leg while I ran, lol.
    Both of my legs/hips are sore today, even with stretching and yoga.  But the compression is making SUCH a difference in my run recovery.
    I feel good.  I felt good running yesterday.
    So the plan is:
    • Down to physio once a week now.
    • Run slow and long.  Endurance is key.
    • Fuel properly.
    • Sleep well.
    • Strength train.
    • Remind myself what I am capable of.
    Sounds easy enough.
    What are your tips and tricks for squishing YOUR “You Can’t Do This” voice?  It doesn’t need to be fitness related.  Can be anything.
    Let’s share ’em.  We can all use a little help in that department 🙂

  • I RUN MY FIRST 5K NEXT SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    My First 5K….

    Man that sounds weird.

    I think my last race was in 2013.

    2013.

    I gimped up in 2014.

    Surgery and recovery for most of 2015.

    Am I ready?

    More than likely.

    Am I confident?

    No.  LOL.

    I wanted my first “race” to be a shorter distance, a fun run.  Something with NO CHIP TIME, lol.  So the BLT 5km Fun Run was the winner 🙂


    I will be in this pod of peeps next Saturday!!



    Will I want to make a good time?  

    Uh, DUH.

    Will it matter?

    Nope, because I will be crying.  Before, possibly during, and most definitely after.

    What matters most?

    The experience.  My first race back in 2 years.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Not Gonna Lie…I’ve Been a Slacker

    Yes, I’ve Been Absent…

     

    It’s not because I haven’t wanted to write, because I have a gazillion things in my brain, but a lot of life has gotten in the way.

    I have been flat out at work, and when I get home, I have enough in me to make supper, do “something” and then crash.

    Not a fantastic or ideal scenario, but as a single mom, sometimes this happens.

    That’s right….sometimes, life DOES get in the way!

    This has also affected my physical fitness, which means less yoga (but I was still doing my physio exercises – because my comeback is looming!).

    I noticed how much I was affected IN A BIG WAY when I went for my massage therapy last Friday.

    I haven’t had a massage in well over a year (bad Amy) and when I came out of that deep tissue massage, I was a different person.

    I didn’t hurt immediately.  But by 9pm, I was super sleepy and sore.  Not a bad sore, but a “holy-crap-I-was-so-tight-this-feels-weird” sore.

    We worked on my “running parts” – so everything from my lower back down was out of commission, lol.  It took a couple of days for everything to come back, but I can tell a difference for sure.  He also gave me some stretches which are making a big difference as well.

    So….when do you think you will be running again?

     

    I have been “cleared” for August.  And that was me saying “August is good, right?” to my PT.

    Not saying I won’t listen, but if I continue my strength training and start as a beginner, I am hoping to start a run/walk in July.  This is so I can include my daughter in my training and hopefully foster a love of running in her, as she has shown interest (woop!).

    What about the gym?

     

    This week has been a write off.  Two full day meeting with working lunches zapped me.  Small yoga shesh at home.  Wednesday was another day that I just had nothing and today, well I just wanted to get through today. 

    My “Meh” Wednesday Face…

    (TeenThing and I will be partaking in some sort of pilates/yoga/walk thing here shortly.)

    Are these excuses?  No.

    In my short past life as a personal trainer, I would have said yes.  But, being a human being managing her mental illness, these are not excuses.  Stress takes a toll and with the anxiety lurking, it can knock me down.  

    I know that, for me, I need to take a step back and meditate, relax and sleep.  Physical activity sometimes, is just not an option.  My brain needs the step down.  My body will bounce back quicker.

    What about your FitBit?

     

    I know you are all wondering about it.

    It is still on my dresser.

    Will I wear it again?  Yes.

    Next month?  Maybe.  We’ll see.

    Now that I can confidently say it doesn’t define me as person, I will be comfortable putting it back on.

    Comeback Race?

     

    Deciding.  Once I get a good solid running foundation under my belt, I will be able to book something confidently.

    I have some lined up.  So come back soon to see what I’ve got up my sleeve!

    #crazymamaruns

  • When Life Throws You Lemons…..

    Well, we all have our ending to this phrase, lol.

    I say throw because the good and bad are not always handed to you.  Sometimes it comes right at you.
    To say the last week has been trying would be correct.
    I won’t sit here and lament or wax poetic.  Mostly because a lot of it is private and I am respecting other people’s privacy.  They all deserve that.

    What the heck does that have to do with lemons and crap?

    Well, struggling with depression on and off for 4 years has really given me insight.  Being off my meds and dealing with ALL THE FEELINGS has been working out okay. Sometimes I follow my own insight.  Sometimes I hide in my fort. 

    But it’s a choice.

    A choice to hide from the world and think about all the crappy things….OR….find what makes you happy and embrace life.  Even the crap.  Because the crap is a lesson.

    A good friend of mine challenged a few of us to write down what we were grateful for this week.  I’ve saved it in my email, because it’s something I want to add to and when I look at it I remember that my life isn’t so sucky as I sometimes think.

    It has, this week anyway, put things into perspective for me.

    I know what motivates me, and what doesn’t.

    With this knowledge I am beginning this week anew.

    Building a better, faster, stronger Amy.

    (A small snippet from my list:

    Water.

    Watermelon.

    Kites.

    Skates.

    Sneakers.

    Lululemon….lol.

    Running skirts.

    My depression and anxiety – because I am forced to take a step back and focus.)

    What will this entail Amy??

    Well, I am looking into purchasing a bike.  Not being cleared to run yet (BUT, I have been cleared to run in the Fall – Booya!) I am looking for something challenging that will get me outside.  Don’t get me wrong, I love walking.  I just need something different.
    Also, much core and upper body work (don’t worry, I will not cancel leg day, haha) to carry me through when my legs are thinking about giving up during my races next year.


    This is a “start again” moment, and I am taking advantage of it.

    What will we be seeing?

    More insightful posts (hopefully! lol), related to my new journey.

    Encouragement, support, some high fives, and lots of funny.

    Because what’s life without funny!

    So come along, ask questions, and join in on the conversation 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • It’s Like Withdrawal

    Even With a Step Down Plan…

    It’s been a roller coaster ride.
    I had tweeted how ALIVE I felt on Monday.
    Alive.
    Maybe too much.
    Going from feeling pretty much level to the point of becoming numb to dealing with the influx of feelings has been hard.  My brain is trying to “rewire” itself after letting medication do it for so long.  Giving me the big WTF.
    Keeping things in focus has been a challenge.  Trying to remain on task has been hard.
    I want to laugh, cry, and punch someone.
    I know right?
    And yet, I am thankful for it.
    (I know what you are thinking – you’re THANKFUL for your mental illness?  THANKFUL for coming off the drugs and feeling overwhelmed?)

    Yes (I haven’t been to India, lol, but this song really sums things up).
    Because even with all the hard parts, I am now remembering how it feels to be passionate, engaged, hopeful.
    It’s a struggle, even on my best days.  Those around me probably often wonder “What the WHAT?” as I flounder through my day.  But they let me flounder, knowing that I will own up to my obsessive thinking and back up the bus if told.
    I am hoping to get an update on physio if there is an actual ETA on when I can run again so I have something to focus on and work towards.
    I try and pick small things daily to focus on, hence all my planks, lol.

     

    Keeping my core strong will come in handy big time when I get back to running.  Also with the yoga and workouts I am able to do right now I am keeping my upper body strength in check.

    Strong core and a strong upper body can help me push through even when my legs may not want to.

    They come in handy on hills!



    I am still real about it…

    Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I am “healed”.  I know that there may be a chance that I will need help, that I may not be able to “do it all” on my own.

    My support system rocks, and I know at times they are overwhelmed as well.

    So, I want to say thank you to you.  Those of you who are with me every day.  Who work with me, live with me, hang out with me, and love me.

    Thank you as well to my online family.  You are there no matter what time of day I vent, even at 2:00am.  Advantages of Twitter, lol.

    To those who are still not sure about sharing their mental illness, know that you are not alone.  Those of us who speak out feel just like you do.
    Hang in there.
    I am 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • Back at Work and Weaning Off My Meds

    I am not talking post surgery meds.

    I am talking about my anti-depressants.

    With the advice of my physician, we did the Step Down Plan during my last visit.  We are both confident that I now have the ability to do so.  I know my triggers and have better coping skills than before and I am in a much better place in my life.

    I’ve been on Step Down #1 for about a week now.  We have moved onto Step Down #2 until my current box of meds are empty.

    Scared?  Apprehensive?

    Not really.  Now that I am on the road to recovery with my knee, I can get outside and move.  Kind of, if I walk on the street and not the killer icewalks we have here in Halifax right now.

    Killer Icewalk – on just about every street.  This is INCHES of ice.



    What About Your Physical Activity?

    I WILL be getting back to running and yoga with the help of my physiotherapist!  I just need to be patient and take it day by day.  I hope to be running once the weather is much nicer and I can SEE the actual sidewalks.

    How Will You Continue to Cope Off the Meds? 

    I am continuing my meditation, which really works wonders for me.  The same thing with Yoga.  The movement and self focus is really great.  Self care is important.

    First Day of Work?  How did THAT go?

    Really well!  Some time was spent catching up this morning.  I also sat on the phone in the queue for some software that I needed product activation for.  Chair danced to some jazz tunes.  Not a bad day all in all.

    I have a little bit of back pain, lingering from a herniated nucleus pulposis – FUN!  I really have to watch that I don’t slump and retain the natural curve in my back.

    All in all though,  I did really well today.  The knee is a little sore and stiff, but with time and physio, all good 🙂  The main point is keep moving, listen to my body, and believe in the process.  

    Also – WINNING THE MANCOLD BATTLE!

    Where From Here?

    UP!

    I am super positive about my recovery and look forward to continuing on my journey.

    To get back to my fitness regime – pumped.  To do more with my TeenThing – pumped.  To be able to work out and run with my Greg – pumped.  To run with my BRB – PUMPED!

    Also, keeping it positive and in check with my mental health.  There is always a chance that I may have to go back on my meds.  If I do, it’s not a setback.  It’s a pit stop on my journey where I need to reset and move forward.

    And now – I leave you with an earworm.  Because I can’t get this song out of my head!!!!!!


    #crazymamaruns




  • Knee Surgery, Back Spasms and Post Surgery Fun!

    There will be some knee photos…you’ve been warned….

    On Wednesday, I had my knee surgery.

    I got up as usual, and my first thought was “Okay, I’ll go down and feed the cats, then…..”

    That pause.  That was when I realized I wasn’t able to eat OR drink anything.

    *Le Sigh*

    I sat with V while she got ready to head off to school.  I watched some TV and fell asleep.  This was a good thing.  It took my mind off of no food/no drink, lol.

    11:30 – the Calvary arrived to take me to the hospital.  This included my buddy Squishington (my 3 year old niece). 

    We arrived at the Dartmouth General Hospital shortly after noon.  Was I nervous?  HELL YES!! 

    This is a “non-winter” pic, lol.


    The weather here has been horrendous, which means the parking lot was a skating rink.  My sister-in-law advised that if I was going to fall, that was the time, because we already at a hospital, faster service.  LOL

    Squishington made friends in the waiting room while I got registered.  She delivered newspapers to everyone in sitting. 

    We were then shuffled down to the day surgery unit.

    I was sent “around the corner” where I sat with other day surgery peeps.  Some of the folks were there for gall bladder removal.  They were the ones in the cool purple johnny shirts and funky purple socks.

    Meanwhile I was taken to put on the regulatory blue johnny shirt with green housecoat (sex-ay) and fabbie blue slip ons for my feet (no socks allowed)

    And there we sat, a hungry and thirsty group of people, cursing everyone who came and filled their water bottle in front of us.

    And then, I heard my name 🙂

    I was taken to the pre-surgery area where the lovely RN took my all my vitals and info.  She talked about what would be going on before I was wheeled away.

    Then, she left me 😦   So I laid down and chilled.

    Little did I know, on the other side of the curtain was recovery for…..Colonoscopy.  Yep.  Fart-o-rama.

    Now, these poor people are really not THAT aware that they are letting ‘er rip as much as they are.  And because I am a kid at heart, it was so hard not to laugh.

    On the other side of me – man who kept saying “OMG I am so hungry”.  Uh duh.  We all are you doofus.

    At long last…

    The anaesthesiologist came and explained what she was going to do to put me to sleep.  About the tube that would be going down my throat once I was asleep to assist with my breathing.

    The RN came, went over all my details again, and off we walked to the Operating Room!

    It was a cornucopia of women.  I think Dr. Legay was the only man in the operating room 😉  Poor guy, lol.

    And then, I woke up!

    It was like magic!

    And boy did I ever want a cheeseburger.  Not the woman beside me though…eeeep.

    Clothes on, Ginger Ale consumed, let’s blow this popsicle stand!  MILKSHAKE!

    Once all of my vitals were good, I was taken to step down where I had some ginger ale (holy moly it tasted delicious) and my vitals were taken again.  The nurse came and gave me my directions and follow up information.

    Drink of the Gods…Chocolate Milkshake 🙂

    My clothes were returned to me and I was able to get dressed so I could be wheeled out to the waiting car 🙂

    On the way home, my post surgery milkshake was obtained and it was like heaven in my mouth.  For real.

    I was plumped on the couch on arrival all snuggled up and had a small turkey wrap to go with my Heaven Drink.

    But really, dry crackers would have tasted decadent at this point!

     

    SO, what are the details?

    Post Op Diagnosis: Loose Body – Osteochondritis Dessicans
                              Early Arthritis medial compartment only

    Procedure: Excision Loose Body (2cm )
                    Debridement

    This is a much better outcome that what was anticipated.  There was the possibility of pins, which would have had a much longer recovery outlook.  But since the whole chunk came out, no pins.

    All cleaned up!

    “You will be a candidate for high tibial osteotomy….”

    Gulp.

    What was that?

    More knee surgery in the future.  This should delay knee replacement in my “later years”

    To top it all off, I’ve had very very painful lower back spasms since Saturday.  Today is the first day I have been able to get to and from the washroom on my own (well, with a walker).  Now I can feel my knee pain, lol.

    So I am getting ready to set up physio appointments and looking forward to a slow return to running 🙂

    Now that I can move around, I will be able to do my review on Manitoba Hemp Hearts!  This will also be giveaway time!

    Stay tuned 🙂 

    #crazymamaruns