The Midlife Reframe

Category: physical activity

  • I’m Still Tired, Dammit

    It is finally sunny (and will be for more than a day) and I am still tired

    I am usually a solar powered human.

    The rain depleted me so very badly the last week.

    It’s going to take me a while to power back up, even with the extra vitamin D I took last week.

    Also, still being injured and not being able to run at all this weekend is a major bummer. I was able to do active recovery, but it just isn’t the same.

    I am moving around a lot more today, but a lot of it is nervous energy. My brain is firing on all cylinders.

    I feel like I am housing a tornado.

    I always question why I am so tired, and have to remind myself that my constant battle with my illness and the meds will make me tired. Some days are harder than others.

    I sometimes forget the physical aspect of my mental illness. It can be easy when you are in an okay spot. You forget how much it can hurt, can drag you down, can exhaust you.

    Pushing back can be tiring. On the harder days it can be downright defeating.

    But I get up, dust myself off and try again the next day.

    For now, I’ll forgive myself for being so tired, and remember that it won’t always be this exhausting.

    There is some good in my life right now, and that’s what I am focusing on.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day.

    Today is temporary. One moment of many.

    For now, the sun is shining 🙂

  • So Here’s The Thing

    I still have bad days, even on my medication.

    They do help, good gravy do they help. They keep me from going down the rabbit hole full tilt.

    They don’t “cure” my depression or my anxiety. They never will.

    This week was a circus show. Work went sideways. I am as hormonal as all get out.

    There just wasn’t enough good to bring me up this week.

    Even my runs were a hot mess.

    I missed Parkrun on Saturday because my brain and body were done Friday night and I slept for 12 hours. (I did get out for a run, which was sloggy.)

    I woke up today wanting to bawl my eyes out. Some mornings are like that, and sometimes I can’t shake it, even though I am medicated.

    Thankfully, today was a planned run with my BRF (Best Running Friend), and that really helped to bring me back to a more balanced place.

    I just have to remind myself that the bad days aren’t as bad as they have been, and I have the tools to balance things out.

    If that doesn’t work, I just ride out the bad day, and try again when I wake up.

    It really is day by day.

  • It’s Almost Winter

    Yes, I know in a lot of places there is snow and it’s cold (both here right now), but the calendar says: not yet.

    I both love and hate this time of year. I love the coziness of winter. The sweaters and blankets, the hot chocolate (and other toasty warm beverages), and the holidays.

    I am not a huge fan of the darkness this time of year. I find it drags me down. This is when I need to start making sure I get in physical activity so that I don’t get into a slump. It’s not as easy as it sounds, that last sentence. It’s hard. I just want to hibernate this time of year. But now, more than any other time, is when I need to kick my own ass and get it out the door as much as I can.

    I’ve signed up for the Resolution Run this year to keep me on top of myself, and of course there is the Solstice Run on the 21st (a run a good friend of mine has organized the past few years to #FightTheDark). I have a 15k race planned for June, and should try and get another distance in between those so I don’t loose momentum.

    Taking 2018 off of running races was both good and bad. Good for my body, and kind of good for my mind, but bad for my momentum, lol.

    I know that others find this time of year hard, for many reasons, and we all need to be mindful that not everyone can “get out of the funk”.

    So, please, try not to belittle someone’s feelings when they just aren’t “festive” during the holidays. They may be struggling just to make it through the day.

    The darkness can really be hard on those who suffer from mental illness, both during the holidays, and after.

    Let’s try and support each other as much as we can through this season.

  • Let’s Get Running

    Looking ahead to the next year as a whole isn’t something that comes easy to me.

    Just typing this is making me itch with anxiety (for real, my arms are itchy).

    I have decided to start planning my races for next year. I will be running all as a Worth Living Run Ambassador to bring awareness to mental illness.

    I have already registered for the 15k distance at the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon in June.

    I am registering for the Resolution Run this week.

    So far, I have these on the list as possible races:

    • Epic Canadian
    • Navy 10k
    • Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
    • Valley Harvest
    • Food Run

    These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.

    Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.

    Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.

    Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.

    Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.

    Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!

  • A Booster for My Brain

    Today was my six week check in with my doc to see where my anxiety was at.

    We sat down and talked about how things were, and how the additional methods I have been using to keep my anxiety under control have not been working like they have in the past. My depression has gotten better, and I am able to navigate my days with more clarity.

    So, here’s the deal:

    I have been chewing the skin around my fingernails to the point where I have caused myself to bleed. The only thing that keeps that at bay is work (kind of, lol) and crocheting.

    I also talked about my itching. When my anxiety starts to get bad, I become extremely itchy and cannot stop scratching. When it first started, I though it was because of the extremely humid summer we were having, but it wasn’t consistent with the weather.

    I have (unfortunately) started taking random comments personally. Things that really (on a “normal” day) would not bother me, do, and I feel the need to react without taking a step back.

    Since things were not where we were hoping them to be, we discussed a booster for my Cipralex.

    Starting tomorrow, I start taking the lowest dose of Abilify.

    I am hoping for little to no side effects, but I am fully prepared either way.

    It should take a full two weeks for the Abilify to make a full impact on my brain.

    I go back for another doc visit in six weeks.

    Through all of this, my return to physical activity has been a rough go, so I am taking things easy and making a plan this weekend to start a regular schedule of exercise.

    That is where things sit now.

    I’ll continue to keep moving forward.

    Happy that my toolbox has expanded, and trying to keep positive that my brain will cooperate 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • Not Racing…On Purpose

    As most of you know, I am taking this year off from racing. It wasn’t an easy decision and I went back and forth with it, until my body finally had enough, and yelled STOP!

    I am staying away from everything race related this year (well, I’m going to try) because I just need to.

    Do I miss it? Fuck yes.

    I am usually nearing the end of a training cycle right now, as the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon (my usual spring half) is during our May long weekend.

    It has been weird, BUT…

    I have been working on my muscle imbalances.

    I am getting the rest I really need, physically and mentally. When racing and training starts messing with your head, it’s time to step back.

    I am still running, and it’s starting to become something I enjoy again (thanks to my awesome BRF).

    I am slowly getting my weight training back into my schedule, and I am considering looking at some PT sessions this summer to amp this up.

    I deleted my Garmin account (THE HORROR!) and I am using my Apple Watch to track my fitness.

    AND: There are days I do nothing fitness related.

    I admit that I was afraid of taking this year off.

    I was soooo scared of what may happen (read: freaked that I may not run AT ALL and not miss it).

    But now that I am 4 months in, I’m okay.

    Will I race next year? Don’t know.

    But if I don’t, it’s okay. Racing does not define who I am as a runner.

    That was my internal struggle. That is what I had to come to terms with. I don’t HAVE to race to call myself a runner.

    Racing is a such a personal thing. I loved racing to see where I could push myself physically and mentally.

    Once it becomes about other things, it’s no longer fun.

    So, for now, I am going to continue to enjoy my running on the track, road, and on the trails.

    See you out there fellow runners 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • So Many Things

    When I am coming out of a depressive episode, it’s like a slow sunrise after an overnight storm.

    I am never sure how long I’ll have before the next descent, so I am soaking in every moment I can. Saving good memories for the next fog filled vortex.

    I’ve been running with my BRF Kara these past two Sundays. It’s been quite a while since we’ve laced up together. We decided on “let’s move ‘x’ kms – running/walking, as long as we are moving” as our plan.

    It’s been working great. We run/walk/chat and get our track time in. It’s been great therapy. So thankful for her. She’s seen me at one of my lowest moments, and helped me start moving again.

    Super bonus to starting over: my calves are not sore!!!

    My quads, hammies, and glutes on the other hand, are……aware, lol.

    This is the culmination of a well needed break and some awesome folks giving me the tools I needed to get my body back in balance (Thank you Lifemark SMU and CGC).

    Coming out of the fog has given me a renewed outlook on some things. I am really looking at what is important to me. Really thinking about what I can do without: things, places, people (harsh, but true).

    I need to harness this moment. Do what I can while I am “good”, so when it’s “bad” I have the right people and things around me.

    There is a lot of unknown in my life right now.

    So much unknown.

    So many things I can’t control.

    It’s okay.

    Taking it day by day is where I’m at.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Out From The In

    It’s been a rough go these past few months.

    Swimming upstream was taking its toll.

    The daily struggle of getting out of bed was hard, and my life mojo was low.

    Having a moment in each and every day to sit and be present with myself caused me to face some of my demons head on. Taking time to stop and breathe made me extremely aware.

    I am thankful I am making time for me on and off my yoga mat. (Not running hasn’t been easy, but I am making headway and my calves don’t hate me.)

    These moments of self reflection made me aware of how well I can convince myself that I am not mentally ill.

    Now, just hang on there: I said convince myself . This is not a good thing. This is where I shove everything down into the core of my being where it sits to fester.

    The big ball of festering feels starts to manifest outward: I chew the skin around my fingers. I don’t care if my house isn’t clean. I get snippy. Hearing people speak makes me rage-y. Being in a large area with lots of people really makes me want to curl into a ball. I can go on and on. The list is frigging LARGE.

    Facing my demons is not always easy. It can be goddamn scary. Not knowing what the outcome will be can be very overwhelming. But I need to do it. This is how I know if I need to ask for help.

    For now, I’m good. Things are okay. I’m still hanging out in my cocoon a bit, because it’s cozy in here, but I am slowly coming around.

    Another rough patch done.

    I know there will be another.

    For now, I am embracing this moment, looking out from the in.

    @crazymamaruns

  • What I am Learning

    I started my yoga journey to slowly get my body back to some fluid movement after beating it up for many years with my running.

    I have been learning a lot, about my body and about myself.

    I am becoming more present (although on my not so good days this can still be a struggle) and facing a lot of my feelings head on.

    I am painfully aware of where I am holding all of my stress, and slowly learning how to release it (hello hips and shoulders, lol).

    I am glad I started yoga (again) and made it it a part of my daily routine.

    I will continue to be true to myself and to ride the wave that is my brain, being unapologetic about where I am.

    I’ve found my breath.

    I am finding my voice.

    Namaste bitches.

    @crazymamaruns

  • I Have Magic Socks

    These socks right here are magic socks.

    I wore them to bed one night last week.

    When I woke up the next morning, this is where they were. NO LONGER ON MY FEET!

    They were not on my bedroom floor.

    They were not in bed with me.

    They were on my body pillow, laid out exactly like this, beside me.

    Pretty sure that’s some witchcraft right there.

    (Not really, but what state of sleep brain was I in to take these off and place them EXACTLY LIKE THIS on my body pillow? Wiiiitchcraaaaaaaft.)

    In other news: I managed to do 7 classes of yoga since Saturday. I am winning self care this week!

    Go me!!

    @crazymamaruns