This has been a decision I’ve been struggling with for some time now.
I’ve had some amazing experiences racing (hello Team Myles!!) and have accumulated some hardware that hangs in my front hall.
I’m not stopping running, just the racing.
I started out running for the pure fun in 2011, and as it sits right now, the whole racing aspect has turned into a chore. I want to run for the fun of it again.
I’ve been struggling with perimenopause and my runs have sometimes been a ride on the struggle bus. Trying to adapt to this new experience has been rough.
My brain has also been struggling with the whole race idea and the pressure I put in myself can be tremendous. I have even deleted my Strava account so I don’t stress out about where and when I run.
It’s time to give myself a break and run for the fun of it again. To find the joy in movement.
I’ll probably volunteer at races, just to see the joy of others finishing their races will be enough to fill my bucket.
So if you see me out and about, say hey!
I’ll be cruising the trails around my area and out at the BLT.
So, some of us have gained weight during Covid (all that home made bread and bagels). Some of us have gained weight thanks to the lovely stage of life called peri menopause.
I fall mostly into the second category. My love for bread doesn’t help, mind you.
This makes my struggle with mental illness all the more complicated. I was awful before, but now? I’m the Michelin Man with a broken brain who can’t find jeans to fit her properly.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am happy with my body. It’s still strong and amazingly awesome. But Old Navy took my curvy fit jeans away and I have been having a hell of a time finding jeans to fit my size 14 ass well.
After many purchases at other places, I settled on a store.
I have a few pairs that I wear, and have been on the search for “jeans that Amy is comfortable in that don’t cut her stomach in half”. If you can rock the low rise, do it girl. My body needs the all encompassing power of high rise so I don’t feel like a busted can of biscuits.
After many purchases at many stores, I found myself at American Eagle.
They have High Waisted Jeggings.
I tried on other pairs, but the jeggings were it.
I think my body can rest easy in jeggings.
TAKE THAT PERI MENOPAUSE AND BAGELS!
But for real, I just want jeans I can feel comfortable in, is that too much to ask? Women deserve comfy jeans. Period.
My mental health needs this.
If I can feel good in my clothes, it’s a big win.
Feeling good is important.
I already feel crappy enough most days.
THESE JEGGINGS ROCK. Now I must have them all. Thank you American Eagle for making jeans that make me feel good about myself.
Now, I am on the hunt for Blazers. That’s a whole different, and painful, search.
Here’s to loving our bodies. Here’s to loving the clothes that make us feel amazing.
Here is to telling my depression to fuck off and rock my curvy ass self in whatever I choose to wear.
Now I’m tired from all the excitement. I need pasta and a nap.
So, I recently took a little break from all of my social media for a couple of weeks so I could focus on some things that needed my attention. It was well worth it, and I think I will do it a little more often.
While I was off, I started to evaluate my priorities, and take note of what was important to me. This lead to me having to accept some things about my life, and about myself. It was a humbling experience, but definitely worth it.
I started to accept the fact that my body is changing, just like it did when I went through puberty. Sucky part is, nothing really prepares you for it, because every person’s experience is different. I have struggled with body image in the past, and it played a big role in my mental illness. Part of me accepting who I am, right now, was to accept my weight gain. Society has really given us a big mind screw when it comes to what we “should” or “shouldn’t” look like. I have learned to love the body I am in. I am still active. Still healthy. I am just a different size now.
I am also accepting my flaws. We all have them, and by ignoring them, I was doing myself no favours. So, I accept them and work with what I have. I am still pretty awesome, flaws and all.
I am really, honestly, and truly, accepting my mental illness and all the thing that come with it: the depressive episodes, the chewing the skin around my nails, the self negative talk, the anxiety attacks, and all the other fun things that come with it. I have to. It’s a part of me like everything else. When I am feeling good I try to push it away, and that is not working. Once a depressive episode hits, I am super hard on myself. By accepting it, baddies and all, I can work better with it, I hope.
And, I accept all my decisions in life, good or bad. The good ones have given me great things, memories, and experiences, and the bad ones (even the REALLY bad ones) have taught me lessons. I have to stop regretting things in my past, for all of my decisions have brought me to where I am, in this moment.
There are LOTS of other things I have come to accept, but then this blog post would be a short novella, and I wouldn’t do that to you. Let’s just say I am still working on some things, as I am always a work in progress
My priorities have shifted for certain. I am working to readjust my life to these priorities and start living a more engaged life. To be present. To not have my nose in my phone all the time (which is hard, because when my anxiety and depression is bad, I reach for my phone). To enjoy moments and spend time with the people I care about.
So, if I disappear from social media for a few days, or a couple of weeks, I am prioritizing myself. Living life off the Internet to gain some serenity. But, I always come back. I start to miss all my pocket friends and look forward to catching up with you all.
Remember, you are important and need to recharge your batteries every now and then, and there are people who enjoy seeing your face in real life. Get out there and show it off!
Things have been hectic lately. Work has been absolutely overwhelming. Life is all over thr place.
I was out yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. This is the earliest I have started it. I am feeling pretty good about having it started. It has made it easier on my anxiety. I am usually the last minute shopper mid-late December.
I will still have my fancy Christmas anxiety, just hopefully not as much.
Medication news: I am now on birth control for my peri menopause, because my body is all out of control with the hormonal stuff. This wreaks more havoc on my body, but is necessary for now.
So I am medicated, and hormonal. THIS IS GREAT GUYS.
Just trying to make it through the rest of the year without having some sort of meltdown.
So far, I am keeping my head above water, although if I could hibernate for three days I would think I would feel a bit more centred.
Feeling off balance equals feeling a loss of control, and I don’t function well when that happens.
I am taking the early Christmas shopping as a win, and will trudge on with work. Will need to use my apps for meditation more often so I don’t do the downward spiral.
I really need to up my water game too. I haven’t been consistent with that. Time to take the Hydro Flask back to work.
On that note (because I am certain I am about to start rambling) I will leave you with this: remember to take care of yourself, because you matter too.
After my last race(s) during Maritime Race Weekend, I took a break.
There I am! 2nd from the left during the Sunrise 5k 🙂
I needed this break. Needed to take a step back.
There has been a lot going on in “the background”. TeenThing finally has a job (yay!). As I sit here writing this post, she is at her first shift (training). I am just over a full month and a half on low dose hormone for perimenopausal joy. (This is something my doctor and I discussed when I was in to see her for my shingles.) There was some residual fatigue from shingles as well. Work has been busy (which is good, because my brain needs that for survival, hahahaha).
Things are better since I have seen my doc, especially for the perimenopausal joy. I am not as absent-minded or moody AF (Which, astonishingly, I knew wasn’t my mental illness. This is a whole other beast. A weird, WTF kind of beast.) Can’t get rid of those hot flashes though, lol. Took some time for me. Got some new hair (actually this colour is extremely close to my “before gray” hair).
Who IS that mama??
I also needed to step back because I was losing my running mojo. I had two great races but I wasn’t getting that “HELLZ YEAH” feeling on my runs. I also wasn’t feeling GOOD. I felt off. I needed to find my mojo again. My love of feeling the burn 😉
I found it today. Fighting a head cold, on the couch, I found it.
I watched From Fat to Finish Line on Netflix. Remembering the way I felt during my last two races: the people, the atmosphere and the support of everyone who runs. How much of an accepting family runners are.
With this new month I am doing a reboot. I need to really, because I run a 5km race later this month, lol.
So, nice and easy goes the train. I signed up for the “new” Bad Yogi 30 day challenge, will head back to the gym on a regular schedule, and start kicking those kms in the butt. Also, I bought Run Fast Eat Slow to get my cooking mojo back!
[For anyone who needs to have someone kick their butt to get their mojo back, check out Carey (A PT and Coach) with Running Moms. She has great programs and is a fantastic motivator. I was kicking ass before I got sick and hormonally screwed, lol. I am also pretty sure that was how I made it through my two races with great times!]
What do you do when you lose your mojo? Take a break? Work harder?
The Midlife Reframe 