I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?
Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.
It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.
You think you are making headway.
You look up.
You’re in the same spot.
You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.
Same. Fucking. Spot.
This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.
(Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)
I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.
I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.
So, if you’ve been following along lately, you have been witness to my roller coaster, love/hate relationship with my fitness.
Having multiple injuries and running through them made my body go full stop.
Reality Check: I needed to stop.
I needed to reassess my body.
I needed a break.
Running through my injuries hell bent on finishing up a season took its toll on me not only physically, but mentally as well.
Not taking time to seriously work on the muscle weakness in my body just made it harder.
What I loved doing became something I was beginning to despise. I was associating it with pain.
It was becoming mentally exhausting to get myself motivated to run. To move. So different from the feelings I associated with my running. There was no more joy.
After taking a little break from everything, I took some time this weekend to think about what this year would look like for me.
It’s still a little up in the air right now, but I took the first step today. One minute plank.
Tomorrow will be step 2. I will decide whatever step that is when I wake up, lol.
So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.
2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride. Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.
I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things. Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.
Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it. So I am happy that that is the case. Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.
I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here 😉
One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!). My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration. I need to take care of me.
As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness. How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind. I just always try to be thankful for things I have. This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
Hold those you love close.
Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.
Practice self care.
Remember that NO ONE is perfect. We don’t have to be. It is the imperfections that make us individuals.
Do not conform. Be loud.
Be you.
No regrets.
I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.
I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year 🙂
I hear it all the time. Goddammit I say it. I say it knowing what is really going to happen in my head: “Let it go.”
Well, what if you CAN’T let it go?
I bring this point of view from the ‘mental illness of me’ perspective:
Depression and anxiety are voices
Those voices whisper
Those voices WON’T let it go
When the switch is flipped, it won’t turn off. I can’t just let something go. My brain will relive the words/a situation over and over, especially if it’s bad. That shit feeds my brain like candy.
Out of the blue I will relive a moment that is not memorable to anyone, but because I may have said something that wasn’t necessarily good (in my brain), the movie of that moment plays out, and is unfortunately memorable TO ME. Not in a good way
This tends to happen right before I go to bed. FUN.
Although, I gotta say that I really enjoy it when it happens at work. Then I feel totally stoooopid. Makes for a great day of supreme self doubt. EXTREME SARCASM FONT.
My brain will release the vice grip every now and then and in that brief moment I can “let it go”.
In reality, my brain is really going through the hit list of Amy’s Awkward Moments. It resets my top 5 every week, choosing various memories from my early childhood, to something that happened yesterday. I know this and have fully accepted the rotating hit list.
So, if we could all try and use “let it go” a little less (unless you’re Elsa, and singing in a frozen castle), and try super awesome distraction methods instead, I think we could all avoid some pent up hostility.
We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.
I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.
A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week. One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.
Let’s be clear:
She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now. When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there. FOR MONTHS.
If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.
Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER. Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone. There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it. It really is about time people start thinking this way. I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.
I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It’s sad that I am used to it.
BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:
On the way home tonight I made a decision.
Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.
No judgement.
Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.
A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.
A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.
I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.
I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while. But I didn’t. All good on the Mama front for now.
My last “official” race of 2017 was the Valley Harvest 5k.
It was a warm day. I had a head cold. I managed 30 minutes and I was happy 😃
I chose Valley Harvest because of the beautiful scenery in Wolfville…..and the blanket.
Taking all expectation off of myself has given me back some of the joy I was missing when I ran. The shorter distances have been a blessing as well. My body was hungry for a break.
Last weekend was a fun run to support Feed Nova Scotia at the Canada Games Centre. It was a beautiful day, and a great turnout.
I ran with a couple of my running peeps from the neighbourhood and we had a great run! Plus, there was pie, Starbucks, and Booster Juice at the end 🙂
I’ve run a couple of days this week during my lunch hour, and I felt great. It’s bringing me back to the start. My lunch runs are 3k and it’s the perfect distance. I can get away from my desk, get the rush, and burn off some steam.
A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.
As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.
We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.
I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.
I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.
After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol). As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits. We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.
Running has always been cathartic for me. I see things differently after a run. It gives me a fresh perspective on things. It connects me to my inner peace.
The reality of the situation is this: my body is out of balance. My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak. This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.
Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under. No one is harder on me, than me. Trust me on that.
The running community is a great source of support for me. I can draw strength and ask for advice. They do not judge. They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that. They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.
I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.
So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym. It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.
This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂
Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.
This meant some shuffling around of activities, but we had a complete blast the last few days out and about in Edinburgh.
We took one beautiful day and did some walking tours.
Our first tour was through a part of the Underground South Bridge Vaults in Edinburgh with Auld Reekie Tours. These vaults date back to 1700. They were used as living quarters, brothels and bars over the years. They were also used for “black magic” and a local coven set up a temple in one of the vaults to banish the negative energy.
These vaults are creepy, that’s for sure.
The Wiccan TempleOutside the vault entrance of the Wiccan TempleThe cursed stone circleLooking out of the vault
After being creeped out by the most excellent tour guide, we bummed around town a bit before our evening walking tour.
We checked out Holyrood, Arthur’s Seat, Scottish Parliament and of course we had burgers, lol.
Loved all the little “secret streets” off the Royal MileOne of the quotes on the wall down to the Scottish ParliamentArthur’s Seat
Side Gate at HolyroodScottish ParliamentEntrance to HolyroodTea with the Queen anyone?You can see the Abbey in the back
Back up the Royal MileThe Heart of Lothian (you spit on this…for real)St. Giles Cathedral
Our evening tour was one of the free walking tours held by SANDEMANs. We chose this Dark Side tour to hear more about Edinburgh’s creepy history. Our guide was awesome. He was really funny and gave us multiple opportunities to stop and take pics along the way. The most amazing views were from Calton Hill. Calton Hill is the home of the National Monument and Nelson’s Monument.
Nelson’s Monument
The National Monument (also known as the National Shame)
Going down Jacob’s Ladder (they moved coffins up and down these stairs)
Walking Tours are a great way to learn about the city and the guides are great for giving you tips and tricks for food and attractions.
We were lucky enough to be staying close to the Edinburgh Zoo, so our next day was spent with the animals, after some food at the Cocobean Cafe. We were lucky enough to see one of the pandas 🙂
YUM
MeerkatsRed Panda
Sleepy TigerKangarooooooooosRhino
Heeeeeeeeeey
Hi Panda!Bye Panda!
Our last day of running around Edinburgh was spent in town gathering goodies to take home and making sure TeenThing had motion sickness meds, as the plane ride over was not fun for her.
So, before we packed it in, we had to go to The Scotch Whisky Experience! We did the Silver Tour and had a great time. I wish I had gotten a video of TeenThing’s face when she tasted her whisky, lol. The tour ended in the largest whisky collection (3,384 unopened bottles of whisky). It was amazing.
Off in a barrel we go!
I am so sick in this picture, lol.
We both chose to taste whiskey from the Speyside regionThe walls were alllllll bottles
The oldest whiskey in the collectionThe man who donated the 3,000+ bottles
Our Sunday was spent resting and getting ready to head home to Nova Scotia. We had to be in bed early to get up at 4:00 so we could grab the bus into the Glasgow Airport.
On our way, we talked about “the next time we visit”, and I sure hope we do get over again. I am in love with Scotland!
Thanks for coming along with me on our little adventure.
To really see Scotland we would have to have spent at least a month. To see just a small part of the Highlands in the time that we did has a tease really.
It just makes us want to go back for more!
We did a day tour with Rabbie’s to explore the Western Highlands. Our tour guide was Fran. She was AWESOME.
We began our trip from Princes Street in Edinburgh and did the round of introductions on the bus. Fran talked about the lowlands and highlands and spoke of the three bridges, the Kelpies, and what our trip would entail for the day. The weather wasn’t super, but TeenThing and I were pretty pumped, so weather be damned!!
Our entrance into the Highlands started once we entered Callander, the Gateway to the Highlands.
Our first stop was at Loch Lubnaig (pronounced Loch Awe).
What a beautiful start to the Highlands.
You could camp along here. There was a nice little spot to grab a snack.
It was raining right before we got off the bus. But once we got out to explore it started to clear up!
We gathered our snacks and hopped back on the bus. If this was just the beginning we couldn’t wait to see what was in store for us 🙂
That also meant: Castles!!
Our first Castle was Doune Castle. We did the audio tour here. You could listen to audio specifically for Monty Python (Terry Jones) and Outlander (Sam Heughan). It was super fun. We had a blast here.
I still wonder how they maneuvered those turrets. TIGHT FIT!
Doune Castle: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Castle Leoch (Outlander) and Winterfell (Game of Thrones)
All of the delicate furniture had thistles on them to deter people from sitting.
Our next stop was further up in the Highlands at Kilchurn Castle, built in the mid-1400s (Clan Campbell). I’ll show you the pictures and THEN tell the story, lol.
Kilchurn from afar.Aaaaaaand a little closer.And there it is 🙂Now for the story.
So, as you can tell from the first pic, this is quite a distance from the road. We all hopped off the bus and started making our way through the “field”.
It was a bog.
Once another passenger and I sunk a little bit (mid calf), everyone else pulled back.
NOT ME. This was the first castle built by the Campbell Clan. My Nanny was a Campbell. I WAS GETTING THIS PICTURE DAMMIT.
So, off through the bog I ran. Got down to the Loch and ran into a lovely man fishing on the shore. I took my pictures, cleaned myself up a bit in the loch, turned around and went back into the bog, this time keeping to the other side which was more water than mud.
I got to the road and Fran was like “Yes!!! I knew you were going to keep going!”
Rock. Star.
Our next stop was Inveraray. What a beautiful little spot. There was also another castle.
Inveraray Castle (Clan Campbell since the 18th century).
If you watch Downton Abbey, this was the Castle they visited in Christmas 2012 episode. We didn’t go into this Castle, instead choosing to go into Inveraray and have a bite to eat at Brambles 🙂
A gorgeous little spot.Loch Fyne
Some Scottish beer 🙂This burger was AMAZING!
With our bellies full and treats bought at the little candy store, we were ready to get moving!
We drove through some amazing scenery. My GoPro died early (wah) so I was unable to get some good video of the area.
One of the most amazing spots of the day was the Rest and Be Thankful Pass.
I can’t even explain how beautiful this place was.Cheeeeeeeese!So many teeny tiny cars.
We were able to take some time here and really soak up the atmosphere.
Our next stop: Loch Lomond.
O ye’ll tak’ the high road, and I’ll tak’ the low road, And I’ll be in Scotland a’fore ye, But me and my true love will never meet again, On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond.
So beautiful. I could have sat here forever.
But Fran wouldn’t leave without us, lol.
It was time to load up and head back. All the sads 😦
We were very lucky to stop and see Stirling Castle, some hairy coos and the Kelpies on our way back to Edinburgh.
Stirling CastleHighland Cows (Hairy Coos)
The Kelpies
This was our FAVOURITE road trip.
The beauty of the Highlands is something to see.
I want to go back and just experience the Highlands next time!
It was fairly late when we arrive back into Edinburgh. There was a concert at the National Gallery, so we checked that out before grabbing a bite and getting back to our rental.
Evening Concert
Come back next week for Walking Tours of Edinburgh and our trip to the Edinburgh Zoo!
The Midlife Reframe 