The Midlife Reframe

Category: mom

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you 🙂

    @scrmngin2thevoid

  • Amy, TeenThing and The Flies

    WARNING:  This post is about flies and larvae.  If you are grossed out by either or both…RUN AWAY NOW!!!  I can’t run away because it’s my story, so apologies for what you are about to read.

    So, we’ve a hot and humid summer here on the East Coast of Canada.  This means windows, and sometimes my balcony (non-screen) door have been open to move the air around.

    The open balcony door was the biggest mistake I made this year:

    A few weeks ago, I was getting ready to do my usual sweep of the downstairs floors.

    While starting to sweep, I noticed smallish white things starting to wiggle their icky bodies on my floor.

    Me:  “WHAT IN THE FRIG IS THAT!”

    TeenThing:  “I DON’T KNOW BUT OH MY GOD THAT’S GROSS!”

    Me:  “OH MY GOD IT’S SOME SORT OF LARVAE!”

    TeenThing: “WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM!”

    Me: “I THINK THE KITCHEN!”

    So, needless to say, TeenThing stayed away from the kitchen.

    I threw out EVERYTHING that was in the kitchen and on the floor:  compost bin, took out the recycling, and emptied the garbage can.

    I went to move the garbage can….THERE THEY WERE.

    I lifted it…they were all inside the “foot” area of the bottom.

    I hoofed it outside with that mofo and chucked it in the garbage bin outside my building.

    The mega clean up began.  No more wiggle worms.

    We got comfortable.

    We shouldn’t have.

    5 DAYS LATER:  I was informed by my Thing that she had killed a couple of flies that morning.  We shrugged it off as the balcony door being open.

    I got home that night after work (TeenThing was working) and went to turn around the window fan in the living room.

    IT WAS LIKE THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.

    There were a gazillion flies in the windows.

    I ran out to the kitchen.

    FLIES ALL AROUND THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

    [FYI, the cats were NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.  What kind of hunters are they…ugh.]

    I grabbed a magazine and began the housefly massacre of 2018.

    I took me two days to figure out where these flies were coming from….MY BROOM.  SHE LAID THE EGGS IN MY BROOM.

    I threw it out on the balcony.

    Two days post broom throwing, no more flies.

    Needless to say the balcony door has not been left open since, and I am now shopping around for a screen door (and air conditioners for next year).  I also need to get my super to put some new screens in the massacre windows.

    Itchy yet?

    You’re welcome!

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

  • On My Way

    Here we are: Week three on my meds, and now on vacation until after Canada Day Weekend.

    No more dizziness (YAY!), just some fatigue that will hopefully work itself out over the next little while.

    I am starting to become more present.

    There is less disassociation.

    I can see NOW that I really should have done this a while ago.

    Sometimes denial is a stronger drug. I don’t want my depression to consume my life. I want it to be anything BUT depression that is making me feel irritated, helpless, and useless.

    I know I have pushed a lot of people away inadvertently (and some on purpose, for my own mental health).

    I am thankful for those who stick around, even when I try to isolate myself, and to those who have kind words when I am not comfortable hearing them.

    Having someone be kind to me makes me nervous, and I will sometimes laugh or be sarcastic because I am uncomfortable. I don’t feel I deserve it.

    That’s what my brain does. It whispers: “You. Are. Not. Worthy. Of. Kindness.”

    I can make a list of things I have sabotaged because I was scared.

    But I can’t look back and brood. I need to unpack those “boxes” and move forward.

    I will slowly start getting back to the gym, and slowly get back to running.

    Each day is still unknown when it comes to my brain, but I’m on my way.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

    Today I was able to see my doctor.

    I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

    I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

    I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

    My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

    I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

    When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

    Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

    There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

    Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

    This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

    But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

    (I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

    (Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

    So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

    Living with a mental illness is not easy.

    It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

    I was once afraid to ask for help.

    I am not afraid anymore.

    Suffering (for me) is not an option.

    I am on my way feeling better.

    One day at a time.

  • Amy’s Anxiety and The Tub

    (Oh how I wish this post was about ice cream…..)

    May 9, 2018:

    So,

    Here I am awake at 11:27pm.

    You’re like…uhhhhh, and?

    Well, I am usually in extreme super sleep right now, because sleep and I are tight.  We have a very good relationship.  Amy + Sleep = BFFs.

    But NOT TONIGHT.

    (Backstory:  We have had some issues since the “new people” moved in next door a while back.  Tub filling up when we shower, or slow draining, etc.  Superintendent has been in, put magic potion in the drains. Drains get back to happy. Yay!  As a backup, I also have been trying to keep happy drains by continuing to use our hair catchers – because two girls and hair – and the occasional magic potion when the slow drain reappeared.)

    8:30pm:  Person I birthed has shower.  Advises tub filled to ankles.  Mother is exhausted so waits until she goes to brush teeth to check tub.

    9:30:  Tub still full of water.  Mother aggravated.

    Mother is so goddamn exhausted and thinks “I cannot do this right now”, and tries to sleep. She can’t. Because anger and anxiety.

    So, Mother searches for any other solution as it is getting late and doesn’t want to bug Superintendent. Nothing works.

    So – mentally ill Mother gets mentally ill Daughter and we begin scooping water out of tub and putting it down bathroom sink.  Notice water coming into tub.  Girl child goes: uh, is that grass?  Is that a leaf?  (I kid you not).

    I am ANGRY.  What in the actual fuck are you doing over there you idiots that live next door?

    Writes note to Superintendent. Puts in special slot beside Superintendent’s door.

    Starts planning curse to put on next door neighbours.

    Brain is in overdrive.

    May never sleep again.

    (Well, okay, I probably will sleep, but it will be horrible sleep and I’ll be cranky because my tub will probably still have water/crud in it tomorrow morning – rawr!!!)

    Okay, now it’s 11:44.  I decide I better try and sleep before tomorrow.

    Does get to sleep.

    May 10, 2018:

    Wakes up at usual time.

    THE TUB STILL HAS STANDING WATER.

    I would put a pic in, but gag.

    So, I baby wipe bathe and get ready for work.

    I am a rage ball today and am now constructing a text to my Superintendent.

    I apologize in advance for all of my feelings today that may come forth as anger towards those I adore.

    Ummmmm, Happy Thursday?!?!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Am I Doing This Wrong?

    It’s funny how quickly self reflection turns into some extreme self criticism.

    Struggling to take expectations off of oneself is not easy.

    There is an internal daily struggle:

    Why can’t I figure this out?

    Why am I so stuck?

    I’ll never figure this out.

    I’m not capable of *insert thing here*.

    I’m not smart enough.

    I’m not going to get through this in one piece.

    Funny thing is: I know I’m capable, I know I’m smart, and I have gotten myself through some pretty awful shit.

    What I am coming to terms with right now are my “mistakes”. I have always seen my mistakes as failures and not lessons. I am slowly trying to gather the lessons and learn what my roadblocks are.

    I’m also going to have to use my “toolbox” of skills more when it comes to stressful situations. It’s so easy to head into a tailspin.

    My Sunday runs with my BRF are helping (and the runs I have that are my own, without technology and without social media posts).

    Making sure I wind down every night also helps.

    I need to remind myself often that I can’t do it all, and no one is expecting me to do it all.

    My journey into self reflection is a long winding road.

    I’m always learning.

    Always reminding myself: I am a human.

    Doing my best.

    One chaotic day at a time.

    @crazymamaruns

  • So Many Things

    When I am coming out of a depressive episode, it’s like a slow sunrise after an overnight storm.

    I am never sure how long I’ll have before the next descent, so I am soaking in every moment I can. Saving good memories for the next fog filled vortex.

    I’ve been running with my BRF Kara these past two Sundays. It’s been quite a while since we’ve laced up together. We decided on “let’s move ‘x’ kms – running/walking, as long as we are moving” as our plan.

    It’s been working great. We run/walk/chat and get our track time in. It’s been great therapy. So thankful for her. She’s seen me at one of my lowest moments, and helped me start moving again.

    Super bonus to starting over: my calves are not sore!!!

    My quads, hammies, and glutes on the other hand, are……aware, lol.

    This is the culmination of a well needed break and some awesome folks giving me the tools I needed to get my body back in balance (Thank you Lifemark SMU and CGC).

    Coming out of the fog has given me a renewed outlook on some things. I am really looking at what is important to me. Really thinking about what I can do without: things, places, people (harsh, but true).

    I need to harness this moment. Do what I can while I am “good”, so when it’s “bad” I have the right people and things around me.

    There is a lot of unknown in my life right now.

    So much unknown.

    So many things I can’t control.

    It’s okay.

    Taking it day by day is where I’m at.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Out From The In

    It’s been a rough go these past few months.

    Swimming upstream was taking its toll.

    The daily struggle of getting out of bed was hard, and my life mojo was low.

    Having a moment in each and every day to sit and be present with myself caused me to face some of my demons head on. Taking time to stop and breathe made me extremely aware.

    I am thankful I am making time for me on and off my yoga mat. (Not running hasn’t been easy, but I am making headway and my calves don’t hate me.)

    These moments of self reflection made me aware of how well I can convince myself that I am not mentally ill.

    Now, just hang on there: I said convince myself . This is not a good thing. This is where I shove everything down into the core of my being where it sits to fester.

    The big ball of festering feels starts to manifest outward: I chew the skin around my fingers. I don’t care if my house isn’t clean. I get snippy. Hearing people speak makes me rage-y. Being in a large area with lots of people really makes me want to curl into a ball. I can go on and on. The list is frigging LARGE.

    Facing my demons is not always easy. It can be goddamn scary. Not knowing what the outcome will be can be very overwhelming. But I need to do it. This is how I know if I need to ask for help.

    For now, I’m good. Things are okay. I’m still hanging out in my cocoon a bit, because it’s cozy in here, but I am slowly coming around.

    Another rough patch done.

    I know there will be another.

    For now, I am embracing this moment, looking out from the in.

    @crazymamaruns

  • What I am Learning

    I started my yoga journey to slowly get my body back to some fluid movement after beating it up for many years with my running.

    I have been learning a lot, about my body and about myself.

    I am becoming more present (although on my not so good days this can still be a struggle) and facing a lot of my feelings head on.

    I am painfully aware of where I am holding all of my stress, and slowly learning how to release it (hello hips and shoulders, lol).

    I am glad I started yoga (again) and made it it a part of my daily routine.

    I will continue to be true to myself and to ride the wave that is my brain, being unapologetic about where I am.

    I’ve found my breath.

    I am finding my voice.

    Namaste bitches.

    @crazymamaruns

  • It’s Not Always A Choice

    I wake up every day and check in with whatever emotion is at the top of the list.

    I acknowledge it.

    If I can, I ride it out. I am more willing nowadays to face what I am feeling and accept it.

    This doesn’t work for everyone, and I acknowledge that.

    I believe that accepting how I feel gives me the power to ride whatever wave comes at me.

    I can’t choose every day to be happy. My brain isn’t wired that way.

    I wanted to believe this very much after I was first diagnosed with depression. That I could choose my emotions each day. I drowned myself in motivational memes and quotes.

    It became exhausting, deciding/choosing to be happy, because I really wasn’t. I wanted to be. I just couldn’t force it. I couldn’t motivational quote/meme myself into happiness.

    I’ve been living with my diagnosis for almost 7 years now. Medicated twice.

    I’ve learned what works for me. This illness is a very individual thing. What works for one person may not work for another.

    I embrace my good days and ride out the bad.

    Find what works for you and embrace it. Know that it may not work for someone else.

    Support each other.

    Be kind.

    Realize it’s not always a choice, and that’s okay.

    @crazymamaruns