The Midlife Reframe

Category: meditation

  • The Home Stretch for #ProjectAmy

    Wow….the time has flown by!!

    I can’t believe I am 10 sleeps away from my knee surgery.

    10.

    Nervous?  HELL YES!  Even with all the activity of the past little while, it seeps into my brain late at night.

    Nervous Girl by themedusa on DeviantArt

    How has #ProjectAmy been doing?

    Well, I must say, it has kept me moving.  Being a 9-5er has it’s moments, but I have been able to get physical activity into each day.  Well, except yesterday…I took that as a rest day.

    Today my activity will happen later this evening.  I kind of slept in this morning and chaos ruled my morning.  My gym bag is sitting in my bedroom at home.  But no worries, I’ll be on it like white on rice!

     

    All my Tweeples and friends have been keeping me on point, which I am very thankful for!

    After my surgery, #ProjectAmy will be taking on a whole different path as I will be focusing on recovery….and not losing my marbles (this is where #FightForHappy will be in FULL EFFECT).  



     

     

     This also means I won’t have to eat cat fur for while doing my pushups.

    I’ll miss the pushups, not the cat fur!

    Cat fur will probably be more prominent as they will hover over me the first little while, lol.

     

     

     

    Are you ready for surgery CrazyMama?

    Well, I rearranged my bedroom on the weekend.  Sleeping was weird.  I was deeper in my bedroom than I am now.  And being closer to the door is just a little freaky.

    I started other cleaning/purging projects on the weekend as well.  Then got completely overwhelmed and had to stop.  So this week will be about tackling one thing at a time.  I also took the day off before surgery next week (and Monday is Heritage Day here in Nova Scotia), so Friday is my last full day of work.

    There will be lots of cooking going on this weekend and meal prep for sure.  Clothing prep and post-op station will also be done this weekend.

    Okay…enough before I get overwhelmed again, lol.

    So, yes, for the most part I think I am.  Just need to keep myself on the steady until the 18th.

    Next post will be bringing ya’ll up to speed on the final week on this installment of #ProjectAmy, and sharing my extreme nervous energy days before surgery.  

    So if you thought THIS post was scattered, lol.

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • #ProjectAmy/#FightForHappy Update and Plans for the Upcoming Week!

    #ProjectAmy Got Off To a Great Start!

    I logged 17kms walking – woop!  This included taking the stairs as often as I could when I was at work.  I also got outside as much as humanly possible.  The Vitamin D was good for me!

    I was also able to get in some yoga at home and at a class 🙂  I was able to get some Yin Yoga in at home as well.  I really am seeing the benefit of a regular practice!

    Started my upper body training…which is being kicked into high gear!  

    WHY?

    In 17 days I am going to need that upper body strength to haul myself from my “pod of no weight on the leg” to the bathroom and kitchen area (or just move my coffee makers to the living room, and yes, I said makerS).  I know I won’t see MEGA changes, but I need that strength, for now and later!
    I may need this Tshirt for my recovery…lol

    February…

    I started off my February with a meditation this morning.  It is also the beginning of the Meditation Challenge with DoYouYoga.com!  I will be saving that one for later this evening.
    Meditation = Happy 🙂

    What’s on for this week?

    Well, more walking for sure.  
    Packing my bag tonight for yoga class tomorrow at the gym (going to try and make the three classes this week – two being my goal).
    Working on the upper body and core.
    As before, keep on me people!  If you don’t see a #ProjectAmy on Twitter (@crazymamaruns) or my Facebook Page (Crazy Mama Runs)….send me a “Hey, did you get out to walk, to the gym, or meditate today?” message.  I need it!  
    (Props to Peady for sending me one of these this week!!  And to my Greg for making sure I stick to my guns!)

    And I just want to say…

    Thank you.
    Thank you to my “Greg” for the #ProjectAmy inspiration and being my biggest source of encouragement.  I love ya!
    Thank you to my Ginger Friend for making sure I get out with the girls!
    Thank you to all my Twitter peeps who keep me looking forward, and reminding me of how much closer I am to lacing up my sneakers 🙂
    Thank you to all my FitBit peeps who keep me moving.  Even if I don’t reach my daily goal, you keep the challenges coming 😉
    And thank you to my family for being there, as always.
    #crazymamaruns
     

  • #ProjectAmy and #FightForHappy

    Sometimes I have great ideas…

    But I don’t follow through.  I’ve been caught up in so much lately that I’ve dropped the ball on myself.

    Part of the problem with depression/anxiety is you have so many great ideas, but when you go to carry them out, the “doubt voice” pops up.  It can be pretty darn convincing.

    “Why can’t you just DO IT?”

    If I could turn that voice off I would.  Unless you suffer from mental illness it is hard to explain to someone.  I WANT to do all my great ideas. Sometimes I can get started, but the inner doubt voice catches up to you.

    “It’s just an excuse…”

    No – it’s not.  It’s an illness.  Like every other illness you have good and bad times.  When I am overwhelmed, it gets worse.  It’s like sitting at the bottom of the well, knowing that you can get out because the rope and bucket is sitting right there.  You just can’t grab it. 

    “Just ask for help!”

    Well, I do. But sometimes I don’t know how to phrase it.  Or I am afraid that it will overwhelm me even more, so I don’t ask.  It’s a double-edged sword.

    What the heck is #ProjectAmy?

    Well, #ProjectAmy was started today, by my Greg, who was trying to help me earlier when I became extremely overwhelmed.  I cried all over the phone.  

    He is my rock, especially when I do break down.  He can turn it around for me and lead me in the right direction.  Baby steps he told me today.  Start with one thing.

    So tonight is food prep and tomorrow morning is gym bag packing.  I always forget to take care of myself, even when I am feeling good.  I worry about everything and everyone else.  

    That’s not a bad thing per se, but when I forget about me….well I’m no good to anyone if I am not at my best.

    #ProjectAmy is about renewal and recovery.  

    I have my Mantra: I Am Open.

    I need to keep on track until the knee scope. I need to move for me at least once a day.  I need some #Earthathon kms.

    So my friends.  I need your help.  

    I need you to make sure I am doing at least one thing for myself every day.  If you follow me on Twitter and do not see #ProjectAmy, kick me in the butt and give me a challenge (i.e. plank, situps, etc.).  

    Ask me if I have meditated, taken a few minutes to just sit and be aware.  

    Keep sending me FitBit challenges and annoy the crap out of me until February 18th! (Surgery Day!).

    After that, I will just need help with my sanity until I am cleared to weight bear, lol.

    #ProjectAmy and the continued #FightforHappy are on.

     

            

  • This Year I Give Myself Permission….

    To Write About It All….

    The good stuff, the frustrating stuff, the goofy stuff, you get it 😉

    Everything.

    It’s a big part of why I started this blog after all.

    Pic from http://www.snoopy.com

    And So….

    It may seem trivial….but I am back to chewing the skin off around my fingernails.

    Gross right?

    Damn straight it is.  But this is how my nervous energy manifests.  My frustration, anxiety, stress, etc., boils up and I can’t help it.  My fingers look disgusting right now.  So I have to stop it.  More meditation?  Maybe acupuncture?

    All I know is.  I have to stop it!  GAH!

    And Then…

    One of the ways I cope with my depression/anxiety is through humour.  I call myself crazy, make jokes with family and friends.

    Some folks may be offended by that.  And if I have offended anyone, I am truly sorry.  But it’s my coping mechanism and I find it helps.  Because sometimes underneath that laughter, I am breaking apart inside.  Laughing helps me.

    It helps me help others.  Let’s them see that they too can function, even on the bad days.  And then I remind myself that those that love you, they just want to help you, to love you, to hold your hand and tell you it will be okay.  So they will laugh with you, cry with you and hang out in your nest when you don’t want to leave.

    So, I’ll keep talking about it, keep calling myself crazy and keep laughing.

    I am also

    Keeping myself open.  It’s my Mantra for 2015.  I AM OPEN.

    I am going to slow down a bit more (not like slothy slow down) and notice more.  We rush rush rush.  Wear ourselves down.  Forget to stop and SEE things.  We scan and move on.

    And so I hope

    That you will continue to come along on my journey this year.  It’s going to be an interesting one for sure!

    Interesting:  I joined Earthathon!  #teamhumanrace  (this is a virtual relay race around the globe and results are tweeted daily)

    I can’t run, but I can walk.  So it motivates me, along with my FitBit, to keep mobile.

    What do you give yourself permission for this year?

    What is YOUR disgusting habit/coping skill?  We all have one!

    What is something that motivates you?

    #crazymamaruns   

  • Total October Randomness

    Here we go!

     This is what I am doing right now….running while I can!

    I see the surgeon in 20 days.  So as long as it is not torrential downpour or hurricane force winds, I am going to try and get as much running time in as is humanly possible.

    I’m not going gangbusters mind you, but with the thought of being laid up for possibly 6-8 weeks and then recovery…well I am going to get it all in.

    Same with my yoga.  Home and at the studio.  I will practice every day!

    I want to be in great condition so I can kickass in recovery.

    The better shape I am in, the quicker my recovery time.

    And now…..other ramblings….

    So, as some of you know, I am a single mom.  This is both challenging and rewarding.  Challenging when the other parent is not involved, but rewarding because I see the awesome human I am raising on my own.  

    There have been times when I have doubted the job I am doing, just like every other parent.  Parenting is hard, period.  Even with both parents.  There are times you doubt every decision you make. 

    As parents, we are always hard on ourselves.  Harder than anyone else would be on US.  We keep our doubts and inner criticisms to ourselves.  No parent is perfect, no matter people may think or say.  We’ve all made mistakes and we learn from that.  We need to help each other out.  Give each other some pats on the back.  This is one hard gig!

    And then more randomness today because sometimes….

    I get the schlumpies.

    That’s what I call my bad days with depression.  The days I want to hibernate.  

    I find it gets worse when I don’t see the sun for more than 2 days.  

    No matter how much I run, how much I yoga, sometimes they just come along and pull the rug out from beneath me.

    Rude, yes.  I just find ways to get through them.  Whether it’s medidation, chocolate or some downtime with Netflix, I make it.  If it is really bad, I reach out, because sometimes the schlumpies leak out my eyes.

    In the end…

    I am still here.  Grateful for everything I have.  Grateful for everyone in my life.  Grateful for those who didn’t hang around.  I try to learn from every experience, good or bad.  There is a lesson in everything if you step back and look.

    Am I stubborn? Yes.  Will I make decisions that suck?  Yes.  But I get up the next day and start over.  Every day is a new beginning.  Yesterday is gone.  Put your feet on the ground and start over.

    It’s the best part, starting over.

    I’ve done it a lot.  You can too 🙂

    Sending out high fives and hugs!  We are all doing the best we can to get through this life.
     

     


  • Contest Winner, Books, and A Confession….

    Runalicious has chosen their winner!

    And it was Jessica with the slogan “Chasing My Sanity” 🙂  Congrats Jessica!!

    The Ladies posted a teaser pic today:

    I love love love it!  AND….Runalicious is going to share the whole “how does this shirt thing happen” process with us!  Stay tuned to my blog for the awesomeness of shirt making!!  Thank you so much for this opportunity Runalicious!

    I’ve started reading running books…

    Photo: Bosu Burpees anyone? Starting tomorrow!!because my running is sketchy at best with this lovely condition I have.  So, I figured, let’s get a fix of running through the written word.  I am still attending yoga classes and walking with sporadic running, so I am maintaining fitness, and the Bosu Burpee Challenge is still going strong!

    [Today was 15 burpees.

    I did them.

    The Bosu gets kind of heavy after a while….that IS a good thing.  I tell myself that every extra burpee.]

    Anyway, back to books.

    On one of my last trips to Chapters, I wandered around aimlessly, looking for an actual book (My e reader is broken…I kind of inadvertently stepped on it while half asleep, because it had fallen on the floor.  I was reading in bed).

    While I was hunting down another title with my daughter and my mother, I came across Running with the Mind of Meditation by Sakyong Mipham.  It rang out to me and I had to have it. I am just about finished 🙂  It is an easy and enjoyable read.

    https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/RRc3EKfpIDA&source=uds

    I know some people are not “meditation” people, but for me and for some with a mental illness, meditation can be a way to bring ourselves BACK to ourselves.  To steady the mind.  To synchronize the mind and body.
     

    I am always learning and I love to read.  My next book will be the Hansons Half Marathon Method .  I have read a teaser, and can’t wait to get started!

    And now, my confession…

    For those who are here on a regular basis, you know that I have been battling depression/anxiety for a little over 3 years now.

    Sometimes, I get over confident, and think that I am “feeling better”.  When this happens, I kind of forget to take my medication every now and then.

    So, yeah, I did forget quite a few days last month.  After a good dose of whoopass from my mother, I am back on track.

    So if you are being treated and think you “may” be feeling better….check in with yourself.  Check in with your doctor.  Talk to someone you love and trust. They will tell you the truth, and kick you in the butt (in a good way). 

    Hope to see you back here soon.  Keep your eyes open for the next post!

     

     

  • How Hot IS Hot Yoga???

    HOT! HOT! HOT!

    Tonight was my first class at Moksha Yoga in Bedford, NS 🙂 I signed up on Saturday as they had their “Summer Special” on.  $60 for 60 days.

    I have taken yoga before, and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I figured with the deal on it was a great time to try it out and see if it was something I would be into. 

    So, how does this hot yoga thing work?

    I arrived well before the 15 mins they ask for, as I needed to change.  Melissa greeted me at the desk and we had a quick chat.  She made sure I was armed with water, mat and towels (they rent them if you don’t have any) and sent me on my way to the change room. (No late people here.  You’re late, you are out of luck.  NO YOGA FOR YOU!)

    This studio is wonderful.  Clean, quiet and welcoming.

    I changed and walked into the “Brazil” room….and the wall hit me.  IT’S HOT.  

    I walked to what I thought was the back of the class and set up my mat, beach towel over the mat and grabbed some blocks and a strap.  With my water and little face towel beside me, I settled into Savasana.  I figured this would help me acclimatize.  I laid there and sweat BIG TIME, like someone had turned on a sweat faucet.  But eventually that did slow down…until class started…

    Because you’ll be full of it!

    Tonight’s class was Yin Yoga (90 minutes).  Melissa was our instructor.

    Yin Yoga is a little different as you hold your poses anywhere from 3-10 minutes.  It is all about relaxing and letting gravity do the work.  The focus is on the breath and the stretch.  No activating muscles.  Release.

    Upon Melissa’s arrival into the class, she advised today we would be focusing on legs!  (AND that the back of the room…..was actually the front…no looking at the mirror and so much for hiding…lol) 

    I though “wooooohooooo!”….because today, I ran 5kms!!!!!  (Go ME!) My legs were a little tight as this is the most I’ve run since the discovery of my OCD knee.

    I am just a little excited in this photo…lol


    We got started and at first I was struggling to get into a pose, until Melissa said to go with my body and when I felt the edge to stop and breathe.  At first I thought “How am I going to stay in these positions for 3-5-10 minutes??”.  The trick is (for me anyway) to close your eyes and focus on your breathing.  I found that once I did that (like in meditation) I let go.  I stopped worrying about where I was in the moment and let my body guide me.  There was a moment of “Ummm, I am kind of hot…am I going to puke….”, but that passed once I got control of my breathing 🙂

    I was dripping sweat everywhere!  And thankfully, so was the rest of the room…lol.

    At the end, while in Savasana (yay!) the lovely Melissa came around with cold facecloths and placed them over our eyes – BEST EVER!

    Afterwards, she congratulated me.  Not only on my first class, but for doing so well in a 90 minute class 🙂  I told her it was probably one of the best classes I have taken.

    So, guess where I am going tomorrow night???

    Next time…tank top!  Holy sweat 🙂

  • Pushups, Packing and Where Did My Hair Go!!

    Having a supportive partner is great.

    Especially one who loves to share his love of fitness apps 🙂 We started using a push up app last week, and it’s great.  My arms, chest, core and back don’t think so, but, too bad!

    We are both waiting impatiently for the outcome of my MRI on Wednesday.  I miss working out with him and running with my bud K.

    The results will hopefully fly speedy like through the interweb to my specialist.  Because on Saturday, while just walking my niece in her stroller, my knee gave out….bad.  Like “can’t put my foot down and holy crap what will I do if I can’t walk home” bad.  But some elevation and ice…good to go.  I  dislike that uncertainty.

    My other super exciting fun thing this month has been packing.  Okay, big lie.  It’s not fun.  A necessary evil to get to my new place of awesome.  It’s coming along.  Bit by slooooooooooow bit.  Good news though, my new bedroom will have a space for me to set up a little serenity area 🙂  Yoga mat, super awesome fountain and chill.

    I did a total random thing on Friday.  Something that has caused many “WHOA” moments.  I cut my hair off.  Yep.  Snippedy Snip.  I’m not one who freaks out about it.  It grows back.  It’s hair.  But it has been quite a while since I’ve had it cut this short.  Feels liberating.  And it’s great for the heat 🙂

    Besides, it’s time to grow out this hair colour.  I’m not a real blonde. You’ll have to hang on over the next while to see what’s hiding underneath!

    Since we’re all here…

    Time for some irony.  Those of us who have a mental illness know that physical activity plays a big part in our recovery.  The ironic thing about my situation…I was working in the fitness industry when my world collapsed in on me.  Things happen for a reason at the weirdest times in our lives.  I continued to train with my trainer once I was put off of work.  I am so glad I did.  Even though my whole body had shut down, she got me through some tough shit.  It’s why I adore her to pieces and why I miss running with her.  Hopefully soon we can get back to our runs and our wonky jibber jabber.

    Signing off for tonight.  For those who run:  Run with your heart.  For those who are in their dark place and are uncertain:  There is a light in there, I promise.  For those who love us when we are in that dark place:  Thank you.       
       

  • Becoming Grounded…and Total Randomness

    With things being totally hectic over the past couple of months…

    I’ve found it hard to focus.  Especially with not being able to run  That was a form of meditation for me. 

    I have found other ways to get my fitness fix, with some prompting from the man in my life (we’ll call him Mr. Y) and I am grateful for that.  He is very patient with me as he is still getting to know my moods and my mental illness. 
     

    I have been doing meditation and yoga at home, as I have posted in the past.  But I have to say.  It has really made me pause the past couple of days and I am now trying to be more aware.  Of how I love the smell of my coffee in the morning.  How great smoothies taste.  How I have way too much “stuff”.  How I love my sneakers.  How comfortable I am in my running gear.  How much I love food – fruit, greek yoghurt, dried cranberries.  How grateful I am for my support system.  How much time I DON’T spend enjoying the silence around me…and I thought, “I’ve gotten caught up in stuff”.  Time to get grounded!

    This means more time to meditate, more yoga, a hunt for my mala beads (let them choose me), more fitness and more awareness.

    A yoga blog I love is Yoga Girl.  She shares a lot and I love it.  Her good times, bad times, her emotions.  It’s all laid bare.  She is non-apologetic about sharing her feelings and I think it ROCKS.  I mean, we’re not happy ALL the time…and I think that’s okay.

    I’ve also been reading other fitness blogs (i.e. Fit Grampa – a new blogger) and yoga blogs.  The blogging runners (some listed here on my page) I follow keep me excited about the prospect of running again, AND I am getting to learn of some really cool races outside of Nova Scotia.  Really looking forward to doing some of these!!  I also have a great twitter feed FULL of awesome supportive runners/bloggers (Bagtownblogtrotter, Michelle The Runner, Janet of jan.etc, and so many others!  To list them all….that’s another blog post…lol).  This is something I am really thankful for 🙂

    My mission for the rest of the summer is to not move so fast that I miss the things that make me HAPPY.  To enjoy what I can do now, knowing that eventually I will be able to lace up and run.  Because there are some that don’t have that luxury.
    ****As I finished editing this post ….I am happy to say that I have an MRI appointment!  I call tomorrow for details 😀