The Midlife Reframe

Category: meditation

  • I’m Still Here

    I’m still medicated.

    I’m still fighting.

    Things have been hectic lately. Work has been absolutely overwhelming. Life is all over thr place.

    I was out yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. This is the earliest I have started it. I am feeling pretty good about having it started. It has made it easier on my anxiety. I am usually the last minute shopper mid-late December.

    I will still have my fancy Christmas anxiety, just hopefully not as much.

    Medication news: I am now on birth control for my peri menopause, because my body is all out of control with the hormonal stuff. This wreaks more havoc on my body, but is necessary for now.

    So I am medicated, and hormonal. THIS IS GREAT GUYS.

    Just trying to make it through the rest of the year without having some sort of meltdown.

    So far, I am keeping my head above water, although if I could hibernate for three days I would think I would feel a bit more centred.

    Feeling off balance equals feeling a loss of control, and I don’t function well when that happens.

    I am taking the early Christmas shopping as a win, and will trudge on with work. Will need to use my apps for meditation more often so I don’t do the downward spiral.

    I really need to up my water game too. I haven’t been consistent with that. Time to take the Hydro Flask back to work.

    On that note (because I am certain I am about to start rambling) I will leave you with this: remember to take care of yourself, because you matter too.

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.

  • It’s Okay to Just Survive

    Hello January

    This time of year can be rough.

    Everyone is talking about their resolutions.

    Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life:  weight loss, gym memberships, etc.

    This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.

    I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing.  This year I am just continuing on with my journey.  A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.

    It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon.  I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.

    With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk.   I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally.  I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up,  and my calves are still a tad cranky.  Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.

    I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness.  Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution.  Mental illness is complicated.

    Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me.  I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate.  Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.

    One way to embrace the colder weather:  I can skate outside.  There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day.  I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]

    Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol

    I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day.  To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).

    So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned.  Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.

    Realistically, my moment in the journey is here:  I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – In Limbo

    Limbo looks like that…

    If you read my last post, you know my last run ended with a pull and some pain.
    Thankfully, I have not torn anything in my calf.  I have some tib post and some pulled muscles.
    My PT did an assessment, some ultrasound, dry needling and TENS with heat.  I was given home exercises and I have been sticking to them.  I was told NOT to stretch until Friday (this was on Wednesday) and when I did start, it was to be gentle stretching.
    No running.
    No running until I see her Tuesday.
    I know I’ll be fine for my training.  She assures me I am fine.
    But.

    (There is always a but, and you can’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.)


    I am very indifferent towards this situation.  I think I have to be.  If not, my depression and anxiety would be all up in my business.
    Don’t think it hasn’t been lurking.  It has.  I have just been keeping myself busy.  Core work, reading, crocheting, and meditation.  The less time I have to sit and think, the better.

    That is crucial for me.  The more time I have to think, the worse the situation will become (in my mind, anyway) and I will start to obsess over my calf and I would research the injury and think of all the ways I could get better faster, or how I could improve my stride.  THEN, well then I would think while I was running.  Overthink.  That is not why I run.  I run to clear my mind, not fire it up into overdrive.
    The one thing I have done is order compression sleeves.  I plan on wearing them during my runs.  A little proactive measure on the advice of an experienced marathoner 😉
    So, cross all available body parts that I am up and running again soon! 

    Anyone else injured out there?  If so, I hope you too are able to lace up and head out again in the very immediate future!




     

  • Why I am NOT making Resolutions for 2016….

    I Decided to Take a Different Approach.

    This year, I am making Intentions for 2016.

    5 of them.

    Wanna know what they are?

    Here you go!

    My 5 Intentions for 2016:

    1.  I intend to meditate daily.
    2.  I intend to create a solid yoga practice.
    3.  I intend to bring more peace into my life.
    4.  I intend to forgive myself more.
    5.  I intend to run more.

    There you have it.

    I am also carrying over my “give zero fucks” view on life into next year too.  Because really, we all need to do the stuff that makes us happy.  

    When we are happy, we radiate that to everyone around us.

    So radiate all over the place!!!

    @crazymamaruns

  • The Post Where We Catch Up!

    Because I’ve Been Busy…

    Busy at my 9-5ing. 
    Busy with family stuff.
    Busy helping TeenThing start her road to running 🙂

    Mom and TeenThing on her 2nd run!
    These feet were made for runnin’!

    Busy figuring everything out.
    I am on vacation this week and have spent the first part of this week keeping myself busy with appointments and crocheting (my sanity saver) and today I am taking time to rebuild home base.
    When you are sick with a mental illness, sometimes you need to sit back and reassess your coping skills.  Sometimes you develop habits that you think are your coping skills, but they’re not.  Mostly they are distractions.
    It’s hard to keep focused when the switch is flipped.  The one track mind that takes over is hard to derail.  It has a voice of it’s own.  An agenda of it’s own.
    Funny thing is, I know it’s happening.
    I can feel the cocoon that starts to wrap around me when my stress level rises. I fidget.  I need to do something with my hands…and not necessarily the task at hand.  I need to find an escape.  Something I can lose myself in.  Thankfully it isn’t drugs or alcohol.  It’s just plain old “what else can I be doing that isn’t what I really should be doing?”.  There are times I can pull back, and times that I can’t.

    But, you’re running.  Isn’t that helping?

    Yes.  Until I strained my calf.
    The intense NEED to run away from my stress, my illness……it was overwhelming.  I ran too much too fast.
    So much for running smart!  FACE PALM.
    *sigh*
    One of the good things about running with TeenThing is that she is keeping my pace and kilometres low.  This is allowing my calf to heal and is giving TeenThing a good start to this sport.  I love running with her.  She is doing great and knows when she can push herself and when she needs a break.

    Doesn’t all this unorganized chaos inside your head make it hard to keep moving forward?

    You are damn right it does.
    Some days I just want to sit down and cry, because I can’t get things straight.
    Some days my coping skills don’t help.  These are the days I want to escape.  But I can’t.  So I have to ride the roller coaster the best way I know how.  These are my hardest days.  Days that make me feel like I am treading water and someone has a hold of my feet. The days I do and say everything wrong.  The days that people look at me like “What the hell?”.  The days I can’t say “It is not a good day for me.”   Why can’t I say it?  Because people will see THAT always.  Not the focused, driven, has her shit together me.  They will always remember the chaotic, flustered, brain dead me.  The girl at the mall, or a store, that is trying desperately to GET OUT.  The thoughts, the people, the noise, all competing for space.  Space I do not have in my head.  Space that is taken up by all the negative energy that my mental illness manifests when I am not winning the daily fight.
    Days that I am not myself.
    Even with all of the talking, all of the wonderful people coming out and sharing their stories about their struggles, all of the focus on mental health, the campaigns, the awareness, there is still a stigma.  People that will still look at me different, not want to “upset” me.
    I don’t always feel comfortable saying I am having a bad day.  People hear “bad day” and associate it with “uh oh, is she having a breakdown?”.
    There is still so much more that needs to be done.  In the community, in the workplace, within media. More Mental Health First Aid needs to be rolled out.

    Why?  Can’t you just take meds or meditate?

    Sometimes meds just keep our heads above water.  They numb our feelings.  We need help on our bad days.  Not necessarily “hospital” help.  Just someone to say “Okay, let’s head out for a few minutes, grab a coffee, and tell me how you REALLY are.  Maybe we can figure something out.  Get you back on track.”  
    Sometimes this is all that is needed.
    I know we are all busy these days.  Deadlines, appointments, etc.  But sometimes, that 5-15 minutes can help someone.  Make them feel that they matter.  Make them feel that they are not going down the rabbit hole alone.  That there is someone there that cares.  Someone that sees what is underneath the chaos.  That will not focus on the “remember when you (insert a bad day here)”.
    NOTE: You can’t “fix” us.  We are the captain of this crazy train.  We know where the brakes are.  We just need to be guided.  We need to refocus.

    We are all human.

    We all have bad days.
    We all want to escape.
    We all want to be seen for who we really are.  Not what we “have”.
    So for now, I will rebuild home base.
    Run with TeenThing to build up our kilometre base.
    Set up future running dates with my BRF, because I miss her.
    Keep sharing my experiences when I can.  Keep the conversation going.
    Not all mental illness is “scary”.  
    A lot of us are just lost, confused, and need a hand to come out of the fog to lead us home.
    Don’t be afraid to be that hand.
    #crazymamaruns
     

     

     

  • Not Gonna Lie…I’ve Been a Slacker

    Yes, I’ve Been Absent…

     

    It’s not because I haven’t wanted to write, because I have a gazillion things in my brain, but a lot of life has gotten in the way.

    I have been flat out at work, and when I get home, I have enough in me to make supper, do “something” and then crash.

    Not a fantastic or ideal scenario, but as a single mom, sometimes this happens.

    That’s right….sometimes, life DOES get in the way!

    This has also affected my physical fitness, which means less yoga (but I was still doing my physio exercises – because my comeback is looming!).

    I noticed how much I was affected IN A BIG WAY when I went for my massage therapy last Friday.

    I haven’t had a massage in well over a year (bad Amy) and when I came out of that deep tissue massage, I was a different person.

    I didn’t hurt immediately.  But by 9pm, I was super sleepy and sore.  Not a bad sore, but a “holy-crap-I-was-so-tight-this-feels-weird” sore.

    We worked on my “running parts” – so everything from my lower back down was out of commission, lol.  It took a couple of days for everything to come back, but I can tell a difference for sure.  He also gave me some stretches which are making a big difference as well.

    So….when do you think you will be running again?

     

    I have been “cleared” for August.  And that was me saying “August is good, right?” to my PT.

    Not saying I won’t listen, but if I continue my strength training and start as a beginner, I am hoping to start a run/walk in July.  This is so I can include my daughter in my training and hopefully foster a love of running in her, as she has shown interest (woop!).

    What about the gym?

     

    This week has been a write off.  Two full day meeting with working lunches zapped me.  Small yoga shesh at home.  Wednesday was another day that I just had nothing and today, well I just wanted to get through today. 

    My “Meh” Wednesday Face…

    (TeenThing and I will be partaking in some sort of pilates/yoga/walk thing here shortly.)

    Are these excuses?  No.

    In my short past life as a personal trainer, I would have said yes.  But, being a human being managing her mental illness, these are not excuses.  Stress takes a toll and with the anxiety lurking, it can knock me down.  

    I know that, for me, I need to take a step back and meditate, relax and sleep.  Physical activity sometimes, is just not an option.  My brain needs the step down.  My body will bounce back quicker.

    What about your FitBit?

     

    I know you are all wondering about it.

    It is still on my dresser.

    Will I wear it again?  Yes.

    Next month?  Maybe.  We’ll see.

    Now that I can confidently say it doesn’t define me as person, I will be comfortable putting it back on.

    Comeback Race?

     

    Deciding.  Once I get a good solid running foundation under my belt, I will be able to book something confidently.

    I have some lined up.  So come back soon to see what I’ve got up my sleeve!

    #crazymamaruns

  • It’s Like Withdrawal

    Even With a Step Down Plan…

    It’s been a roller coaster ride.
    I had tweeted how ALIVE I felt on Monday.
    Alive.
    Maybe too much.
    Going from feeling pretty much level to the point of becoming numb to dealing with the influx of feelings has been hard.  My brain is trying to “rewire” itself after letting medication do it for so long.  Giving me the big WTF.
    Keeping things in focus has been a challenge.  Trying to remain on task has been hard.
    I want to laugh, cry, and punch someone.
    I know right?
    And yet, I am thankful for it.
    (I know what you are thinking – you’re THANKFUL for your mental illness?  THANKFUL for coming off the drugs and feeling overwhelmed?)

    Yes (I haven’t been to India, lol, but this song really sums things up).
    Because even with all the hard parts, I am now remembering how it feels to be passionate, engaged, hopeful.
    It’s a struggle, even on my best days.  Those around me probably often wonder “What the WHAT?” as I flounder through my day.  But they let me flounder, knowing that I will own up to my obsessive thinking and back up the bus if told.
    I am hoping to get an update on physio if there is an actual ETA on when I can run again so I have something to focus on and work towards.
    I try and pick small things daily to focus on, hence all my planks, lol.

     

    Keeping my core strong will come in handy big time when I get back to running.  Also with the yoga and workouts I am able to do right now I am keeping my upper body strength in check.

    Strong core and a strong upper body can help me push through even when my legs may not want to.

    They come in handy on hills!



    I am still real about it…

    Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I am “healed”.  I know that there may be a chance that I will need help, that I may not be able to “do it all” on my own.

    My support system rocks, and I know at times they are overwhelmed as well.

    So, I want to say thank you to you.  Those of you who are with me every day.  Who work with me, live with me, hang out with me, and love me.

    Thank you as well to my online family.  You are there no matter what time of day I vent, even at 2:00am.  Advantages of Twitter, lol.

    To those who are still not sure about sharing their mental illness, know that you are not alone.  Those of us who speak out feel just like you do.
    Hang in there.
    I am 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 1)

    Well, quite a bit.


    I am full on into physio and progressing.  Which is good, it is keeping me focused!

    My after physio face:

    Back to work and feeling good now that I am using my brain again (high fives all around).


    BUT…..

    Yep, there is a but.

    I have been experiencing some discontinuation symptoms from my step down off the meds.  Today is the first day since we started the plan that I have no nausea, dizziness or confusion.  I have also been getting tongue tied, experiencing some lethargy and fatigue.

    It hasn’t been a fun ride.  But neither was the fall down the rabbit hole.

    I’ve been on these meds for 4 years.  I was becoming numb though.  Not really “feeling”.  Just existing.

    It feels, in some ways, like an eternity.

    Like a really long movie.

    I carry every experience with me and have learned so much.  About myself, my coping skills, my feelings.

    I am an “obsessive thinker”. If I feel like I have done something wrong, or feel like I am under attack, my brain goes into overdrive.  Fight or flight ramps up and it could go either way.

    I have been using meditation as a coping skill.  To centre and focus so I can reign in those thoughts, feelings, and calm the fight or flight instinct.

    I own everything.  Every mistake, every feeling.

    And Now….Now I Start Taking it Back

    My power.

    My mental health.

    My physical health.

    I am very impatient.  My urge to run is very strong.

    But with surgery and now early arthritis medial compartment (where the OCD was in my femur) I have to be smarter.  More efficient.  And patient.

    I ask all kinds of questions.  I love learning.

    And So, I Start Over

    Back to Basics.

    Rebuild my strength while following the instructions from my physiotherapist.



    I will be patient.


    I will work hard.

    And I will try not to cry about our recent snowmaggedon in Halifax, NS

    Why did I use “snowmaggedon”?

    You’ll have to wait for Part 2 😉

    In the meantime, my #FightForHappy has ramped back up!


    #crazymamaruns

  • Back at Work and Weaning Off My Meds

    I am not talking post surgery meds.

    I am talking about my anti-depressants.

    With the advice of my physician, we did the Step Down Plan during my last visit.  We are both confident that I now have the ability to do so.  I know my triggers and have better coping skills than before and I am in a much better place in my life.

    I’ve been on Step Down #1 for about a week now.  We have moved onto Step Down #2 until my current box of meds are empty.

    Scared?  Apprehensive?

    Not really.  Now that I am on the road to recovery with my knee, I can get outside and move.  Kind of, if I walk on the street and not the killer icewalks we have here in Halifax right now.

    Killer Icewalk – on just about every street.  This is INCHES of ice.



    What About Your Physical Activity?

    I WILL be getting back to running and yoga with the help of my physiotherapist!  I just need to be patient and take it day by day.  I hope to be running once the weather is much nicer and I can SEE the actual sidewalks.

    How Will You Continue to Cope Off the Meds? 

    I am continuing my meditation, which really works wonders for me.  The same thing with Yoga.  The movement and self focus is really great.  Self care is important.

    First Day of Work?  How did THAT go?

    Really well!  Some time was spent catching up this morning.  I also sat on the phone in the queue for some software that I needed product activation for.  Chair danced to some jazz tunes.  Not a bad day all in all.

    I have a little bit of back pain, lingering from a herniated nucleus pulposis – FUN!  I really have to watch that I don’t slump and retain the natural curve in my back.

    All in all though,  I did really well today.  The knee is a little sore and stiff, but with time and physio, all good 🙂  The main point is keep moving, listen to my body, and believe in the process.  

    Also – WINNING THE MANCOLD BATTLE!

    Where From Here?

    UP!

    I am super positive about my recovery and look forward to continuing on my journey.

    To get back to my fitness regime – pumped.  To do more with my TeenThing – pumped.  To be able to work out and run with my Greg – pumped.  To run with my BRB – PUMPED!

    Also, keeping it positive and in check with my mental health.  There is always a chance that I may have to go back on my meds.  If I do, it’s not a setback.  It’s a pit stop on my journey where I need to reset and move forward.

    And now – I leave you with an earworm.  Because I can’t get this song out of my head!!!!!!


    #crazymamaruns