Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life: weight loss, gym memberships, etc.
This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.
I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing. This year I am just continuing on with my journey. A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.
It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon. I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.
With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk. I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally. I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up, and my calves are still a tad cranky. Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.
I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness. Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution. Mental illness is complicated.
Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me. I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate. Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.
One way to embrace the colder weather: I can skate outside. There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day. I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]
Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol
I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day. To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).
So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned. Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.
Realistically, my moment in the journey is here: I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.
To say it’s been an easy few weeks would not be accurate. With work and home, and the time leading into the holidays, it’s been freaking exhausting. Not the physical type of exhaustion either, lol.
TeenThing is my mental illness mirror…as in she is more anxiety than depression. I’m pretty sure this means we balance each other out. It’s a good thing we both have a sense of humour, because I am pretty sure that has been a major player in how we have been getting through the initial medication stage. For example: I had to wake her up early this morning, so I nudged her awake and danced in her room until she woke up. Luckily she thinks I’m funny 😉
Today was our doctor visit, and she increased TeenThing’s med dosage. We should be able to see a difference in her anxiety within the next week or two. She is doing much better and I am so happy she asked for help when she did. Our doctor was very optimistic about her progress so far and for her treatment going forward. It has definitely put my mind at ease. She goes back in a month for another check in and then if all is well we should be good to go to move forward in her treatment.
For now, we are now focusing on getting her sorted with work and getting through the busy holiday season.
That being said, keep this in mind when you are frustrated and shopping/movie-ing/eating out over the next month: There are a lot of kids out there working in the stores/theatres/eating establishments. They don’t make the rules, or the prices, or the return/exchange policies. They are just doing what they have been trained to do. They are not trying to ruin your day. Please don’t be jerks.
I have been “unpacking” my compartmentalized boxes and working on me bit by bit. Something that is irritating and needs to stop is me chewing on the sides of my fingernails. It’s gross I know, but that is my illness manifesting itself as a habit and I have to get a hold on it.
In terms of physical fitness me: I have a new glute program to follow and will be back to some yoga classes this week at the gym. Any running I will be doing will be on the track, as I have some stretching and exercises to do prior to lacing up. I am also going to get back on track with my weights, as that has been haphazard at best. All of this will determine my race status going into 2019.
I must say, opening up my 2018 to regaining my strength and mental clarity has given me more flexibility with my schedule and I am really looking forward to it.
So, onward and upward! It’s almost time to get Christmas-y 🙂
We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.
I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.
A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week. One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.
Let’s be clear:
She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now. When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there. FOR MONTHS.
If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.
Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER. Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone. There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it. It really is about time people start thinking this way. I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.
I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It’s sad that I am used to it.
BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:
On the way home tonight I made a decision.
Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.
No judgement.
Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.
A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.
A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.
I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.
I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while. But I didn’t. All good on the Mama front for now.
My last “official” race of 2017 was the Valley Harvest 5k.
It was a warm day. I had a head cold. I managed 30 minutes and I was happy 😃
I chose Valley Harvest because of the beautiful scenery in Wolfville…..and the blanket.
Taking all expectation off of myself has given me back some of the joy I was missing when I ran. The shorter distances have been a blessing as well. My body was hungry for a break.
Last weekend was a fun run to support Feed Nova Scotia at the Canada Games Centre. It was a beautiful day, and a great turnout.
I ran with a couple of my running peeps from the neighbourhood and we had a great run! Plus, there was pie, Starbucks, and Booster Juice at the end 🙂
I’ve run a couple of days this week during my lunch hour, and I felt great. It’s bringing me back to the start. My lunch runs are 3k and it’s the perfect distance. I can get away from my desk, get the rush, and burn off some steam.
A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.
As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.
We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.
I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.
I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.
After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol). As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits. We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.
Running has always been cathartic for me. I see things differently after a run. It gives me a fresh perspective on things. It connects me to my inner peace.
The reality of the situation is this: my body is out of balance. My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak. This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.
Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under. No one is harder on me, than me. Trust me on that.
The running community is a great source of support for me. I can draw strength and ask for advice. They do not judge. They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that. They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.
I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.
So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym. It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.
This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂
Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.
To really see Scotland we would have to have spent at least a month. To see just a small part of the Highlands in the time that we did has a tease really.
It just makes us want to go back for more!
We did a day tour with Rabbie’s to explore the Western Highlands. Our tour guide was Fran. She was AWESOME.
We began our trip from Princes Street in Edinburgh and did the round of introductions on the bus. Fran talked about the lowlands and highlands and spoke of the three bridges, the Kelpies, and what our trip would entail for the day. The weather wasn’t super, but TeenThing and I were pretty pumped, so weather be damned!!
Our entrance into the Highlands started once we entered Callander, the Gateway to the Highlands.
Our first stop was at Loch Lubnaig (pronounced Loch Awe).
What a beautiful start to the Highlands.
You could camp along here. There was a nice little spot to grab a snack.
It was raining right before we got off the bus. But once we got out to explore it started to clear up!
We gathered our snacks and hopped back on the bus. If this was just the beginning we couldn’t wait to see what was in store for us 🙂
That also meant: Castles!!
Our first Castle was Doune Castle. We did the audio tour here. You could listen to audio specifically for Monty Python (Terry Jones) and Outlander (Sam Heughan). It was super fun. We had a blast here.
I still wonder how they maneuvered those turrets. TIGHT FIT!
Doune Castle: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Castle Leoch (Outlander) and Winterfell (Game of Thrones)
All of the delicate furniture had thistles on them to deter people from sitting.
Our next stop was further up in the Highlands at Kilchurn Castle, built in the mid-1400s (Clan Campbell). I’ll show you the pictures and THEN tell the story, lol.
Kilchurn from afar.Aaaaaaand a little closer.And there it is 🙂Now for the story.
So, as you can tell from the first pic, this is quite a distance from the road. We all hopped off the bus and started making our way through the “field”.
It was a bog.
Once another passenger and I sunk a little bit (mid calf), everyone else pulled back.
NOT ME. This was the first castle built by the Campbell Clan. My Nanny was a Campbell. I WAS GETTING THIS PICTURE DAMMIT.
So, off through the bog I ran. Got down to the Loch and ran into a lovely man fishing on the shore. I took my pictures, cleaned myself up a bit in the loch, turned around and went back into the bog, this time keeping to the other side which was more water than mud.
I got to the road and Fran was like “Yes!!! I knew you were going to keep going!”
Rock. Star.
Our next stop was Inveraray. What a beautiful little spot. There was also another castle.
Inveraray Castle (Clan Campbell since the 18th century).
If you watch Downton Abbey, this was the Castle they visited in Christmas 2012 episode. We didn’t go into this Castle, instead choosing to go into Inveraray and have a bite to eat at Brambles 🙂
A gorgeous little spot.Loch Fyne
Some Scottish beer 🙂This burger was AMAZING!
With our bellies full and treats bought at the little candy store, we were ready to get moving!
We drove through some amazing scenery. My GoPro died early (wah) so I was unable to get some good video of the area.
One of the most amazing spots of the day was the Rest and Be Thankful Pass.
I can’t even explain how beautiful this place was.Cheeeeeeeese!So many teeny tiny cars.
We were able to take some time here and really soak up the atmosphere.
Our next stop: Loch Lomond.
O ye’ll tak’ the high road, and I’ll tak’ the low road, And I’ll be in Scotland a’fore ye, But me and my true love will never meet again, On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond.
So beautiful. I could have sat here forever.
But Fran wouldn’t leave without us, lol.
It was time to load up and head back. All the sads 😦
We were very lucky to stop and see Stirling Castle, some hairy coos and the Kelpies on our way back to Edinburgh.
Stirling CastleHighland Cows (Hairy Coos)
The Kelpies
This was our FAVOURITE road trip.
The beauty of the Highlands is something to see.
I want to go back and just experience the Highlands next time!
It was fairly late when we arrive back into Edinburgh. There was a concert at the National Gallery, so we checked that out before grabbing a bite and getting back to our rental.
Evening Concert
Come back next week for Walking Tours of Edinburgh and our trip to the Edinburgh Zoo!
We arrived in Scotland early in the morning July 4th. When we got off the plane in Glasgow it was raining. Hard. Once we were off the plane we had to get our bearings and hop the shuttle into the city. This was our first bus, as we had to catch the CityLink from Buchanan Street Station into Edinburgh. Because we were on a very small amount of sleep, this was an adventure, lol.
We did manage to make it to our vacation rental on time after taking the tram (the ticket man on the tram was super helpful).
Needless to say we were wet, cold, and tired. Also, happy to be “home”.
Happy to be at our “home” in Edinburgh!
We got our keys and then had tea and cookies with the lovely women we were renting from. Then we napped. We napped hard. When we woke up we got our groceries at the Scotmid (their co-op) up the street and then walked through the neighbourhood to get some chips for supper.
I knew this day would be a write off, so the weather was not really a disappointment. We packed for just about every season. We crashed early and hoped for half decent weather on Wednesday.
Day Two: In Town
We spent our second day just bumming around Old Town (mostly because I forgot our Explorer Pass to get into the Castle at home, oops) and getting our bearings. We hung out in Princes Street Gardens before heading up to The Royal Mile.
View of Princes Street from the Gardens (The Gardens used to be a loch many moons ago. They drowned “witches” here.)Flower Clock (it really works!)Edinburgh Castle from Princes Street GardensScott Monument
The Royal Mile is amazing. It is full of a gazillion tourist shops, but we walked it many, many times during our stay. Our first day on the Mile was a short one, but we got a feel for just how busy it is. We had lunch at Bryon (which ended up being our fav burger spot) and just took in the sights.
St. Giles Cathedral on the Royal MileOne of the shops on the mile. A relative perhaps?? 😉 (My mom is a Morrison)A happy teenage girl. We had just purchased tickets for the Dungeon and ordered burgers 🙂Why we kept going back to Byron, lol.
There will be more on the Mile in my next post, I promise 🙂
Before we burgered, we bought tickets to go to the Edinburgh Dungeon. We had a lot of fun on this attraction, and it introduced us to some of the darker history of Edinburgh.
We definitely recommend this attraction. It was a good first full day in town activity, especially if you are still getting your bearings. The actors are awesome and there are two rides (these are optional, so no one HAS to go on them if they wish not to).
After the Dungeon we did some shopping at Boots (kind of like Shoppers/Lawtons) and then went home to have supper and chill. We were still jet lagged, so that was enough for our first full day. We still had tons of time ahead of us, so we were okay with a “short” first day!
Next week: Edinburgh Castle, Grassmarket, Harry Potter, and Greyfriars Bobby.
My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.
I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons. One being: I have learned so much. Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.
I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).
I know my limits.
I know when to say no.
I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.
It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”. You need to be in that space to put it out there. I have no problem sharing my experiences. Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice. I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently. I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”. Because that does not help. At all. Shut down.
Every person experiences this illness differently. Copes with it differently. Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.
The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.
This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.
My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month. Another shift in my time/space continuum. Our dynamic will change again. I have been mulling this over in my head, probably more than I should, and even though I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.
I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉 She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay. She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.
I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11. It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂
So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!
I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.
The weather was perfect. The energy was amazing. I was ready.
Hydration baby!
Once I got downtown, I ran into some of my running friends 🙂 We had a chat before they went our for their 10k.
I went into my training with the A/B/C plan in my head. A: Go for my best time. B: Go for my best time when I am not my best. C: Don’t die and finish, lol.
I went with my Plan B, and decided to hang out with the 2:15 Pace Bunny and see how it went.
I was concerned, I won’t lie. Not running the last few weeks of training really had me worried. Thankfully my PT and RMT told me I would be okay.
I was okay.
I felt good. I met a Twitter bud Shelley while running along Agricola Street. My body was feeling okay. After the first 5kms I went a little bit ahead of the Pace Bunny, but kept close enough to hear when we would take our walk breaks. I stayed out front until Point Pleasant Park and “the hill”. I wanted to walk it, mostly because I know when I hit my wall, and if walking that hill cut into my time, I was willing to save my legs to get me through until the end.
I caught up with the group on our way out of Point Pleasant and tried to stay with them as much as I could. Shelley and I met up again and we hung out for a bit until her knee got angry with her and she told me to soldier on.
I soldiered. I walked when I needed to.
I was treated to a dance and a hug by my friend Tab who was out there cheering all the runners on South Park Street 🙂
I chugged along until I hit the last couple of kms. I then ran into my Twitter friend Sherry who was volunteering at a water station. She ran with me until the corner of Citadel Hill (thanks girl!). Then I walked a bit, because this is “almost the end”. It’s downhill. Then the slow painful incline of Brunswick Street, lol.
I hoofed it down Cogswell Street, heard someone yelling my name (later found out who that was – another social media peep, Chantal!), and got down to Brunswick. I took a short walk break. Then started running again.
Not too long before the Finish Line I heard a familiar voice coming up beside me. Shelley had made it! We ran across the finish line together 🙂
Shelley and I heading into the Scotiabank Centre for some TLC (and I had a hankering for chocolate milk!)
I am lucky to have a good Sherpa Team waiting at the finish line of every race. My Mom and TeenThing 🙂
This race, as rough as it was for me the last few kilometres, reminded me why I love to run.
The Midlife Reframe 