The Midlife Reframe

Category: depression

  • I Thought I Was Doing Good

    I have been eating better. I have been drinking more water. I am getting ready to start some consistent running and yoga on June 1st.

    What I didn’t really pay attention to during this time was my underlying fatigue. That not so good depression sleep.

    It’s the sleep that takes over. Sleeping in is every day. Sleeping until the last possible minute. This is not me. I am a wake up and get stuff done kind of person.

    I’ve slept in every single morning for quite some time now. It’s not restful sleep. It’s a dead sleep. It’s a sleep filled with weird dreams.

    I was wondering when it would happen to be honest.

    It is a slow progression, the depression sleep. It creeps in and sloooowly takes over. An extra 10 minutes here, another 15 minutes there. The next thing you know, you’re sleeping in an extra 2 hours and you’re scrambling to get up for work.

    I am hoping to change this starting tomorrow. If I can get up and get a small run in, it will be a win.

    Making this commitment to myself is necessary, for both my body and mind during these uncertain time.

    Wish me luck!

  • Running, In The Time of COVID

    Or…..not running?

    I have been struggling lately. I haven’t been running as much as I would like. Honestly, it’s been a while.

    I have some really bad anxiety when I go outside. If I do want to go for a run, it needs to be early in the morning so I am not around that many people. I am so nervous that I am going to unexpectedly turn a corner and run into someone. It really weighs on my mind, and I have pretty much played out all the possible scenarios in my head of what could happen (i.e. I’ll get hit by a car because I move onto the street to give a wide berth to those on the sidewalk).

    I know for me, getting outside and moving is important for my mental health. I am working from home right now, so it’s a break I need from the inside of my apartment. It’s all I see, from Sunday to Saturday, the inside of my apartment. The only other break from “the inside”, is when I go to get groceries.

    What does being inside all the time do?? Well, my hibernation mode sets in, and that’s not a good thing. My brain goes “Meh, outside is overrated.” “Look at all the things you need to do INSIDE.” “Nobody needs to see you slogging around out there.” Then, it begins to tug at my motivation, and it burns that wick down quickly. My get up and go, got up and went.

    I even fell off the yoga wagon. That was my equalizer. Now I am off balance.

    One wagon I did not fall off of, was the depression wagon. That wagon has me as a full time passenger. This is the voice behind hibernation mode. This is the voice that is winning because of the stress and anxiety I am experiencing.

    I know I can change this. I know that I CAN run outside without being pummelled by Covid (and people). It’s convincing my depression and my anxiety that I can do it. That’s not such an easy task.

    I have signed up for a virtual race in July, and my race in September, that has been postponed until 2021, will be having some sort of virtual event the same weekend of the race. I am hoping that these events will give me that little push to get moving regularly again.

    Now, I just need to have a chat about this whole situation with my mental illness. Wish me luck!

  • Is This The New Normal?

    I guess I am getting used to this new normal. It’s still surreal, this world we are currently living in.

    I live for the sunny days. Even when I am having a bad day on a sunny day, it doesn’t seem so awful.

    Still thankful to be able to work from home. It keeps my mind focused.

    I am ordering my groceries online and doing pickup. I was no longer able to go into the stores as my anxiety attacks beforehand exhausted me, and I was not able to focus while shopping.

    I have been keeping myself occupied during the weekends with crocheting and housework. The crocheting is great for calming my nerves. The housework just makes me feel better.

    I am thankful for video apps that keep me in touch with people, it has made a big difference.

    I am thankful that I am able to get outside, even if it’s only for 10-20 mins during my work day.

    I miss running with friends. I miss the gym. I miss all things right now. Knowing that it may be a while before being able to do “normal” things is a little disheartening at times, but this is the world we live in right now. We need to do what’s best, and that is physical distancing and staying at home. (Also, WASH YOUR HANDS.)

    I often wonder how I will look back on this time when I’m older. Will I remember the the things I learned about myself? Will I remember the good things? We’ve had so much heartbreak here in Nova Scotia. I want to remember all the good that has happened. They ways we came together. How we supported one another.

    I guess it’s a choice really, on how I remember these times.

    I am hoping I choose to remember the good.

  • These Precious Illusions

    It’s hard to keep smiling these days. I do my best to find something in each day that makes me happy, or gives me a smile.

    I am lucky to have my daughter living with me during this surreal time. We make each other laugh, and are there for each other when things are not so funny.

    I’d like to think this whole pandemic will be over sooner rather than later.

    Illusions of summer drives, family gatherings, vacations, going to Farmers Markets and being able to just enjoy waterfront walks constantly fill my head.

    Reality on the other hand, bites.

    I am slowly getting used to working at home. Having the opportunity to do so is something I am extremely grateful for during these times, but doing it every single day without human contact with my team and colleagues is challenging.

    I ordered a chair which should get to me by early May, as I am now sitting on a dining room chair at my desk. My daily breaks are news pressers.

    I know I should take a break from the news, but it’s wanting to be in the know that keeps me partially sane. Weird, I know. You’d think that I would want to shield myself to keep my mental health stable.

    I hang on to what I can control right now, in a world out of control.

    Times have changed. It’s like living in a nightmare .

    So, I keep day dreaming of better days. Keeping those precious illusions close.

  • Voices in My Head

    Pandemic + Mental Illness = War.

    It’s an inner war and I haven’t been rallying the troops like I should be. The enemy has been winning small battles these past couple of weeks.

    It’s time to sit down and rewrite my battle plan. Morale is in the toilet, so I need to pump up the troops so we can start pushing forward.

    It’s not going to happen overnight, and I realize that it will be hard to not listen to the self doubt voices that reside in my brain. Sometimes they can be VERY convincing. They know where my wiring is off and utilize that against me.

    They take the “I am” part of me and turn it into “How about no”, or “It can wait for another day”. It makes me believe that I have “better things” to do.

    I’ve never been one for positive self talk. I find it feels like I am being condescending towards myself. I have a few “power phrases” that can get me over a hill, but to spout off things to myself every day is not going to happen. It’s just not who I am.

    I will have to dig deep again and find my inner warrior. The fighter. The one who can tell those self doubt voices to fuck off. Because THAT is who I am.

    So take note motherfuckers, I am making a new battle plan. Those voices? They can go to hell.

  • I Don’t Know

    I don’t know a lot right now.

    I don’t know how long COVID-19 will keep it’s grip on the Earth.

    I don’t know how long I will be working from home (but I am thankful I have the opportunity to do so).

    I don’t know how I am getting through each day without breaking down.

    It’s a different world. I don’t know how to fully navigate in it.

    I try and get outside every day. Sometimes it’s hard, because everyone seems to be out at the same time, and you have to keep 6ft apart.

    This morning I screamed into my pillow and then did 10 push-ups. I needed both. It helped.

    It’s like we woke up one morning engulfed in a Stephen King novel. Killer virus takes over the planet. It’s all so surreal.

    I am thankful my daughter still lives with me. We keep each other going. We take walks together.

    It’s a day by day battle. One I plan on winning until I do have my breakdown. I know it will happen, no matter how much I walk, how much I run, or how much I scream, the dam will burst. I actually need it. It’s funny how cleansing the dam burst is. I need to start over. I need to be able to reset.

    So until the dam bursts, I’ll keep pushing forward.

    Stay Home. Stay Safe. Wash Your Hands.

  • I’m Scared to Death

    Just back from Cuba. I am well rested and full of anxiety!

    On Monday, I am starting a new position. I will be the Manager of my group. To say I’m not scared would be a big fat lie. I’m scared to death.

    It’s not that I will be working with a whole new group of people. I’m not. It’s the fact that I will be managing my former colleagues. I will be responsible for making decisions regarding my group and it’s direction.

    I know I’m capable. I know I can do this job. I deserve it. But that big self doubt monster looms over me like a raging thunderstorm. I fight with it every day, but even more so now.

    A big thing I struggle with is my confidence. I always think I am not good enough and that struggle will drain me some days. My depression likes to yell obscenities at me and turn me into a big pile of goo.

    So, every day when I get up, I have to remind myself that I’m a capable human being. It’s part of why running is important to my well being. It reminds me of what I can accomplish, what I’m capable of.

    Keeping myself focused and moving forward is my daily goal right now.

    And yes, I will go back and re-read my own posts to remind myself that I can get out of my own way.

    On my darkest days, I need these reminders.

  • Because I Need to be Reminded: Why I Run

    If I had seen someone running (summer or winter) around 11 years ago I would have told you those people were nuts. Who would do that to themselves?

    I was a self proclaimed couch potato, and a single mom, working a stressful job.

    I hd been to the gym off and on, but it never stuck, I always found ways to circumvent going.

    It all changed when my daughter was around 10, and I really got a good look at myself. I was so focused on taking care of her, that I had forgotten that I mattered too. I signed up through the gym through work, and slowly started going. I eventually signed up with a trainer and we started working on getting me healthy and strong. It was through this journey that I seriously wondered if I was burning out at my job. I found it hard to wake up and get out of bed, I was cranky, and I was just not happy. I started looking into this personal training thing, and wondered if I could do something like that. I felt great when I worked out with my trainer and we had a great time.

    I took the plunge and decided that was an avenue I was willing to explore. I loved working out with my trainer and thought what a great way to spend your days, helping people get strong and reclaim their health.

    So, I left my 9 to 5 and did my course to become a trainer. I began working at the local Women’s Only gym. Things were great for a while, but there came a point where I started to feel like I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was not pleasant to be around, and I started snapping at my daughter. I wasn’t prepared for the financial strain when I fist started out in this job. My dad had some health issues. Things seemed to be falling apart around me.

    My mother had suggested that maybe I needed to see my doctor. She had said that I wasn’t myself. I put it off. I was just a little stressed.

    Then it happened. I yelled at my daughter one morning as I drove her to school. I had forgotten I had an early morning client, and my workplace called. We had to rush around and when we were in the van she asked me a question and I snapped. She didn’t deserve it, and I felt ROTTEN.

    I made an appointment with my doctor. I went in to see her in between my clients.

    That was the day I was diagnosed with depression, June 17, 2011. That was the day my life started over. I didn’t realize that at the time. It was a rough go. My meds made me tired and groggy. I had to fight hard to reclaim my former self, or was it my new self?

    My doctor told me that I needed to do physical activity as part of my treatment. I could start out walking. I did and it was helpful.

    I will tell you this, I didn’t want to move at all. There were days I went back to bed after I got my daughter ready and out the door for school.

    I had done some running as part of my gym routine, and I even ran a 10k race a little less than a month before I was diagnosed.

    I tried running agin not too long after I was put off work. I ached, and it felt lime I was running through molasses.

    I did get back to working with my trainer and I eventually started running again. It was something I could do that didn’t require any pressure. I felt free when I ran. I could think through some of my problems.

    I eventually went back to my 9 to 5 job, and running continued to be a big part of my life. I ran at lunch. It is a great stress reliever, and gave me time for myself.

    I started signing up for races, and sharing my ups and downs with the folks I met online and in real life. The running community has been a big part of my mental health struggles. They are always there to share their stories, and to get me through the rough times. It’s like an extended family.

    I know when I am hitting a rough patch with my depression, because my desire to run diminishes. I stop sometimes altogether. One thing is for certain, I always return. Running saves me.

    I am doing good today, and I am helping my daughter manage her mental illness (she was recently diagnosed a few years ago) when I can. She has a great support system and is seeing a therapist. Things are not always sunshine and roses. We have some pretty rough days, but we make it through.

    I had fallen off the running wagon, helping my daughter and getting her into therapy had taken up my time, which was the most important thing for me. Sometimes, life sends us where we need to be.

    I am slowly getting back to running, and am in the process, with some running friends, of setting up a non-profit running group to help combat the stigma associated with mental illness. We are the Road Warriors, and I am very excited to start this journey with my fellow runners.

    Running doesn’t “cure” my depression. Running helps me battle my depression.

    Running makes me feel strong.

    Running frees me.

    Running saves me.

  • I Will Always be Sick

    Always. Be. Sick.

    I finally swallowed that, and it hurt.

    I will always have depression (and anxiety). It may not rule my day to day, but it is always there.

    It was a scary thing to say out loud to myself.

    Let’s face it, mental illness is scary.

    Why would I want to admit that I will always be sick AND afraid.

    I did it though.

    It hurt.

    It sucks.

    But allowing myself to feel that let me into myself. It allowed me to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.

    I know how strong I am, even when I don’t feel strong.

    I know that I can persevere through some pretty rough times.

    I know that being scared, vulnerable, and open are things I do NOT have to hide.

    I know that if I need help, all I have to do is ask.

    I know that it’s NOT my fault that my daughter is also mentally ill (I didn’t “give it” to her).

    I know that at the core of my being, I am a strong, resilient, caring human who is just trying to live in this chaotic world the best she can.

    I think we need to remind ourselves of that more often: we are doing the best we can.

    So, try and take a step back and look at how far you’ve come.

    You ARE doing the best you can, with what you’ve been given.

    Be proud of that.

  • Dialing Into My Brain

    Today, I had planned to wake up early and get to the gym. There was a spin class I wanted to go to and then do a 30 minute strength training sesh.

    I must have turned my alarm off in my sleep.

    I slept in.

    Then my brain went into overdrive.

    It was a little stormy out. I checked the bus times.

    An hour until the bus came. That would set me back even more.

    (Not really, because the gym is open ALL DAY. Also, it would have given me time to get ready.)

    I had to do a workout right then and there, because I slept in and already wasted time.

    (I probably needed the sleep, to be honest.)

    So I grabbed my bosu ball and my weights, and headed downstairs.

    (My bosu ball needed some air, and I couldn’t find the pump. More chaos ensued.)

    It was after this workout that I took a moment to pause (before my yoga sesh), and finally dialled into my brain.

    I could have calmly waited and got myself ready for the gym.

    What was I afraid of?

    (Starting as a newbie….again.)

    Why didn’t I just slow myself down and talk it out?

    (Old habit of not wanting to know the real reason for the anxiety. Will have to work on that.)

    Would I have died if I showed up at the gym and other people saw me?

    (No. Definitely not.)

    So, one of my deep digs is going to be facing what my brain thinks is a big fear, and trying to talk myself through the situation.

    (If I can, because sometimes the anxiety wins, but I will try my hardest.)

    So, some notes will be going up to remind myself that I am worth the time it takes.

    I will set up a reminder system in my phone of my weekly “outside of the house” plan.

    I will dig deep to find the fear behind the anxiety.