The Midlife Reframe

Category: depression

  • It’s That Weird Time

    You know, those days in between Christmas and the New Year where you can’t remember what day it is and you’re eating chocolate for breakfast…and living in your sweatpants.

    It’s also when people start reflecting and thinking about the year to come.

    You know what?

    It’s okay to not have resolutions. It’s okay to not have a plan for 2024. I don’t have one. Nor do I do resolutions. It’s too hard on my brain. Also, I would self sabotage so there really is no point.

    My mental illness would go into overdrive and I am not risking my mental health setting up expectations that I can’t reach.

    I’m going to take things day by day. Like I am now. I woke up with no plans and I’m just playing it by ear. Do I get restless? Yes. But then I just try and find something to occupy my time. I ask myself why I am restless and narrow it down to what I need (a snack, water, get outside, human interaction).

    I can usually calm my restlessness. If I can’t, I hop in the car and go for a drive.

    Naps also work, lol.

    So don’t stress if you don’t have it all figured out for 2024. Just worry about today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

  • Do You Trust Your Instincts?

    That is the writing prompt of the day.

    I don’t think I’m trusting them as much as I should.

    I tend to doubt my instincts thanks to my mentally ill brain.

    I have, on more than one occasion, kicked myself in the arse for not trusting what my gut tells me. I always want to see the good in people. But that has burned me a few times in the past.

    So then the doubt kicks in. Is my gut right? Is this a false negative? Or a false positive? Should I really trust what my gut is telling me, or is it my brain interfering?

    That is my struggle. But more often than not, my instincts are right.

    It’s a matter of trust. I need to start trusting what my instincts are telling me.

    Trust, that’s a whole other issue, lol.

    There are times I can’t trust my brain, so attempting to trust my instincts creates some inner turmoil.

    I need to stop thinking that I need to react immediately and take the time to think about what I am doing in making the decision when it is time.

    Flight or freeze really creates issues in my world. I need to find a happy medium to get back in the green zone.

    It will take some time, but I think that slowing down and not immediately reacting (unless it’s necessary) will help me out.

    Fingers crossed. Let’s see how it goes!

  • Here’s Where I’m At

    Well, four months now on Pristiq.

    My doc and I decided that my dose was good, so I am continuing with the med and my antipsychotic as well.

    Now that the cobwebs are clearing I can start purging my surroundings and my brain of everything that isn’t serving me.

    Time to get back on track with the things I enjoy doing.

    I started reading again. Small books so I don’t get discouraged. I am picking up my crochet hook again, and I plan on getting outside for movement.

    I’m not totally delusional, I know there will be hard days, there always are, but this new med has given me some hope that there are more better days than bad.

    I’m recovered from my second bout of COVID, relatively unscathed. We’ll see how things go there.

    My daughter is also on a new med, and seems to be doing much better. We even attended a small Halloween Gathering as The Great Pumpkin and Linus.

    As we roll into “the dark season”, I am hoping to use the tools in my toolbox to keep moving and stay ahead of my brain. And on those days my brain gets the better of me, I will show myself some grace.

    Let’s help each other get through the winter together.

    We can all give ourselves some grace this time of year.

  • Little Bit of This…..

    Coming to the end of a two week vacation. It was sorely needed. I kind of wish I had some more time, lol.

    I’m going into month three on Pristiq, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m going into the next two months hopeful that this dose is where I need to be. I mean, it can be increased, and I would be okay with that.

    The only thing that seems to be steady is my innate desire to sleep, lol. I’m staying awake better into the evening, but want to sleep forever in the morning. That may take time to sort itself out.

    The month of July zoomed by, and I can’t believe we are into August. Soon it will be spooky season. One of my favourite times!

    Not that I am wishing summer away, but this summer has been less than ideal with wildfires and flash floods in the last few months. Humid and hot. I’m up for some steady temps and lots of sunshine.

    Been crocheting a lot, and it’s helped to keep my brain focused. Making some things for friends, some Christmas gifts (yep, need to start that now), and testing out some Amugurimi toys.

    The start of a Amugurimi doll

    Going into this week rested, and with a new outlook.

    Hoping the latter part of this year improves, with no other natural disasters on the horizon.

    Here’s to later summer/early fall, and to time focused on what’s important.

  • New Meds All Around!!

    So it’s not only me with some new meds, my daughter has been prescribed something new as well.

    It hasn’t been easy these past few months with her trialing ADHD meds. She started out on Biphentin, and when that wasn’t working out, moved onto Vyvanse.

    The Vyvanse was definitely an experience. She was overstimulated ALL THE TIME, and it was like she was manic. I started questioning whether there was something deeper here that we weren’t seeing.

    I made an appointment with our family doctor (she is Val’s doctor too, and delivered her as well) to express my concerns with the mood swings, the manic type behaviour and her depression. Then, by some sort of weird coincidence, Val told me she had made an appointment with the doc right after my phone call with her.

    We found a psychiatrist close to home that bills through MSI for an assessment and some therapy, so at her appointment, Val mentioned that to our doctor. She sent off the referral that day. It is time we get a concrete diagnosis for her mental illnesses so we can manage it properly.

    Needless to say, the doc told her to immediately stop taking the Vyvanse and to just stay on her Sertraline. We waited two weeks for her system to regulate.

    We just saw the doc the other day, where I attended to help corroborate her symptoms. At this time, she is adding some Wellbutrin as a boost for the Sertraline. She told us that she had yet to hear from the psychiatrist, but hopes it will be soon.

    So we are moving forward in the right direction, but it has been hard watching Val struggle with all of this.

    She’s been amazing though, and keeps on giving what she has to get better.

    My hope is that we hear from the psychiatrist soon. That will be the determining factor in medication management and a better future.

    So, the roller coaster keeps rolling, and we keep riding.

    Hopefully we’ll be able to get off soon and move to the lazy river!

  • My New Meds and The Crochet Adventure

    It’s been a little over a week on Pristiq.

    I am finding it easier to get out of bed, and my focus is starting to come back.

    I’ve started crocheting again, which was something I loved to do. I’m starting a small crochet business with my Aunt and I am making plushies, along with custom orders, blanket, and the like.

    I’m hoping this means the medication is turning things around for me. I’ve had a rough go and would like some up time. It’s been a while since I’ve WANTED to do things.

    I am hoping that my desire for my weekly running is in the queue for things I get back to soon. I’m missing my community and the good feelings I get when I get moving!!

    My crocheting really brings a sense of calm and accomplishment. It’s something I want to share so A & S Crochet Creations was born. We are aandscrochet on Instagram, and I have a little shop on the Tedoo app. Getting ready to also build a website soon so everyone can see what we’re up to!

    I will say that the itch to run HAS surfaced since I ran the 5k at the Bluenose. I just need it to ramp up so that I get back to doing what I love and get back to the people I have been missing!

    Are there still crappy things? Oh yeah. But ai think I am really finding my footing. I am really thinking about where my energy needs to be and WHERE and I want to spend it.

    I’m setting my boundaries and focusing on me, which I haven’t been doing.

    Therapy is also helping, and it’s a great tool for me to hash out my thoughts and feelings. So glad I took that leap.

    So, let’s keep collective fingers crossed that these tools keep me on the up and up!!

    I’m going to try and be optimistic 😉

    Until next time!

  • Got a New Drug

    So it’s been a journey, but we’ve hit a fork in the road.

    It was time to admit that my meds were not necessarily working like they used to.

    I’ve known this subconsciously for a while now. It just took some time for my conscious self to catch up.

    My endless need for more sleep, my disinterest in so many things that I once loved, my lack of motivation, lack of focus, and my lack of concentration were all staring me in the face. I just didn’t want to see them.

    I mean, I was on meds. They were helping me. I just must be in a slump…..for a really really long time.

    Depression and denial are bedfellows. One is connected to the other with super duper steel chains.

    It’s hard to break that connection. Hard to admit that maybe things are working like they are supposed to.

    It’s funny though, because I made my appointment to talk to my doctor not to talk about what was happening, but to refill my anti psychotic.

    She asked me how I was doing, and the words came out of my mouth: “Can I up the meds I am on, or would I have to try something new?”

    We had an honest discussion about how I was. I wasn’t good, and hadn’t been, for a while.

    The decision was made to take me off of Cipralex (SSRI) and put me on Pristiq (SNRI). I have to admit that it made me nervous.

    We discussed titration, and when to start my new med.

    (I am currently in titration mode, and will start my new med next weekend.)

    It’s going to take a while for things to change, and my support system has been notified. I have also apologized in advance for any mood swings or snippiness that may come out if me during this time.

    I’m optimistic, and hope that this is what works to get me back to doing the things I love.

    So, let’s see what next weekend brings with a whole new drug, shall we?

  • Paranoia

    Anxiety is full tilt lately.

    While I started working today, I had that sinking feeling: this usually snowballs into paranoia. Is someone coming after me for something I said? Am I getting fired? What if I fucked something up and no one is saying anything? Am I overstepping? Why is no one answering my emails?

    Today, the solution may be simple, because I realized I forgot to take my meds when I woke up. Luckily I am working at home today (it’s therapy day) so I was able to take them. Hopefully I’ll start to even out within the hour.

    Other days it may not be so easy. Other days I have to use other methods to even myself out. Sometimes that full on means telling people that I am in a state of flight. It is scary, but if people know where I am at, they tend to alleviate my worst fears.

    I’m not always forthcoming though, and it is to my detriment. Keeping these feelings inside just makes things worse, and really solves nothing. Part of my journey is to start expressing where I am at. To say things out loud so that they can be addressed.

    So today, I am saying it out loud: I forgot to take my meds and I am feeling paranoid.

    I’m going to get outside at lunch, and get some fresh air. Take in some of my surroundings. Just decompress so I don’t wind myself up.

    Thankful for therapy later this afternoon. I’m in need of it today!

  • Been a While

    I realized today that it has been a while since I’ve posted.

    Things are moving along. I am still in therapy. Learning a lot about myself.

    My daughter is doing better. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we are navigating this together. She is struggling with what she wants to do with her life now that she’s aware of her diagnosis and what that means.

    One step forward, two steps back. it’s a learning process for us both.

    I think we are finally heading into Spring here on the East Coast of Canada. Hoping to see some double digit temperatures soon.

    We signed up for a 5km race for the Bluenose Marathon next month, and we’ll see how that race goes. The struggle with our mental illnesses and getting moving has been real.

    The winter months were hard this year. Usually I can power through them. This year however, all I wanted to do was hibernate. Glad they are over!

    Our newest addition Eggs Benedict is still as feisty as he was the day we brought him home last summer. We think there may be some Siamese in him, but hard to confirm since he came from a hoarding situation. He is super loveable and adds much joy to our home.

    For now, we keep soaking up the sunny days and give ourselves some grace when it’s needed.

    Come back soon. I am full of words that are waiting to come out when I’m ready…..which will be in the next week.

  • I Love Sleep

    I really love sleep.

    As a matter of fact, I am in bed right now as I type this.

    It is 8:15 on a rainy Monday night.

    As much as I love my sleep, it can become a problem.

    It can be a problem because I have depression. Depression also loves sleep. Depression would like me to sleep the day away.

    Depression sleep is different from a good nights sleep. Depression sleep whispers how I am not good enough to enter the day and be with people. It whispers how easy it would be to just stay put, and keep my worthless ass where it is.

    This differs from Anxiety sleep. Anxiety sleep is broken. It is tossing and turning. It is worry and rumination. It is weird dreams that wake me up. It tires me out and makes me lethargic.

    I know what you’re thinking…..how can I love sleep?? Because there are nights that I close my eyes and drift off. I may still have weird dreams, but they’re not scary. They’re just your garden variety weird dreams.

    I also love Vacation sleep. That is when I do some of my best sleeping. It’s knowing I have nowhere to go and nothing to get up for. I can sleep as late as I want.

    Weekend sleep is good, but short lived. I can get some good sleeping in, but I feel guilty if I sleep in too long, and miss out on weekend stuff.

    So, I still love sleep, and I am working on getting better sleep so I’m a more well rested human.

    To that end, I will say good night.

    May you have a restful sleep.

    (I am not sure what kind of sleep I’ll have, but here’s to hoping it’s a good one!)