The Midlife Reframe

Category: awareness

  • Is It Getting Easier?

    I can’t say it’s getting “easier”.

    Getting out of bed isn’t a struggle.

    I am starting to be more involved in the things I enjoy doing.

    I don’t feel as hopeless.

    I am still having issues with my anxiety.

    I had to buy a pill organizer thingie so I could look at it and see that I have taken my pill…10 minutes after I have taken it, because I can’t remember if I did take it, even though my watch reminds me to take it.

    So easier? No.

    Better? Yes.

    (I am still amazingly weird, so I have that going for me, lol.)

    I can talk to TeenThing now about how she is feeling and what she is struggling with, without feeling like I gave this to her.

    I had struggled with that for so long. Feeling like I was responsible for her mental illness.

    Photo thanks to Vicki Penny Photography

    Being medicated has given me some clarity when it comes to how I was not being present in my life, which means I was not present in hers.

    I am able to recognize that now, and I can manage things better without falling down the rabbit hole. I can face it without beating myself up and running away.

    I guess I can explain it like this: It’s a bubble wrap thing. I wrap myself up and take the hits, thinking I’ve given myself the correct armour, when all I’ve done is soften the blow a little bit.

    So, I guess the meds are my armour.

    I will still get dents, but I am better prepared for battle.

    @crazymamaruns

  • I Was Afraid

    So let’s just dive in.

    One of the things that I am afraid of, when I go on my medication, is that I am going to “lose myself”.

    It’s part of how my brain tries to trick me into thinking I don’t need the medication.

    In the back of mind I KNOW it won’t turn me into someone else, but there is that part of me, of my brain, that grasps tightly onto self preservation.

    It has taken me years to become comfortable with who I am, and who I have become. I don’t want to lose that.

    Since I was self aware of my mental health and it’s decline this time, I had to keep telling myself that the medication will not change who I AM, it is changing the chemicals in my brain so I can be myself.

    There is still a chance that I will require something else for my anxiety, and I am okay with that. That component of my illness is still a tad ramped. If I need to have a combination of medication, then so be it.

    There is NOTHING shameful about needing medication. I cannot express that enough.

    I am making sure I move. I am making sure I have human contact (outside of work). I am taking time for me.

    I am still weird.

    I am still awkward.

    I am still wickedly awesome.

    Rock on my fellow weirdos.

    Rock on.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Am I Doing This Wrong?

    It’s funny how quickly self reflection turns into some extreme self criticism.

    Struggling to take expectations off of oneself is not easy.

    There is an internal daily struggle:

    Why can’t I figure this out?

    Why am I so stuck?

    I’ll never figure this out.

    I’m not capable of *insert thing here*.

    I’m not smart enough.

    I’m not going to get through this in one piece.

    Funny thing is: I know I’m capable, I know I’m smart, and I have gotten myself through some pretty awful shit.

    What I am coming to terms with right now are my “mistakes”. I have always seen my mistakes as failures and not lessons. I am slowly trying to gather the lessons and learn what my roadblocks are.

    I’m also going to have to use my “toolbox” of skills more when it comes to stressful situations. It’s so easy to head into a tailspin.

    My Sunday runs with my BRF are helping (and the runs I have that are my own, without technology and without social media posts).

    Making sure I wind down every night also helps.

    I need to remind myself often that I can’t do it all, and no one is expecting me to do it all.

    My journey into self reflection is a long winding road.

    I’m always learning.

    Always reminding myself: I am a human.

    Doing my best.

    One chaotic day at a time.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Week 1 With a Coach and a Plan – Not Dead Yet!

    Holy Crap I Am Still Alive…

    Also, still able to walk.  Hahaha.

    I received my workouts for the week late last Sunday eve.

    HIIT workouts with running workouts, a rest day, and a cross training day.

    What I loved about the HIIT workouts is that I could adjust to my level of fitness.  I chose to do modified push-ups on the floor.

    My speed workout was a killer.  I live where there are hills EVERYWHERE.  Some of my sprints were UPHILL, lol.

    I tried to do my HIIT workouts in the morning as our weather has been hot and humid. 

    I slept in Friday.  Hot sweaty mess after supper workout.  Blargh.  No more sleeping in 😉

    Being accountable to a coach and a group of people works well for me.  I made sure my workouts were done each day.
    I took my rest day on Thursday (it was supposed to be Saturday) as my muscles were sore.  Carey was glad that I was listening to my body and totally endorsed the rest day on Thursday.  I am feeling the muscles I was definitely neglecting, even with my gym workouts.
    Saturday’s workout was a pyramid (5 min warmup – then x2 of each one fast and one regular pace -> 1 minute , 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute).  This is what I was supposed to do on Thursday.  I really enjoyed this run.  It was hard, but I felt really good and aware of my running, my form, etc.
    I was asked to track my food for a couple of days.  I used My Fitness Pal for this, which I used during my half marathon training earlier this year.  I learned then that I was not eating enough during my training.  This time I also made note of what made me feel good and what made me feel not so good.  (I still ate my feelings a couple of times, lol.)
    Today was cross training day.  After I watched the Olympic Women’s Marathon I did some yoga for 30 minutes.  I was tight for sure, lol.  Felt really good afterwards though.
    I was given a meal plan for the week ahead.  Can’t wait to see how I feel after this week is over with different fuel for my run 🙂
    Being aware of my body and being told every day to be aware of my body is really making a difference.  I don’t ignore pain, I am noticing the muscle groups I am neglecting and focusing on my plan.
    I am currently awaiting my workout plan for next week and I am super exicted!
    If I am still alive next week, you’ll be seeing another post, lol.
    If you went from doing your own thing to a coach, what differences did you notice?  Let me know!

  • The Post Where We Catch Up!

    Because I’ve Been Busy…

    Busy at my 9-5ing. 
    Busy with family stuff.
    Busy helping TeenThing start her road to running 🙂

    Mom and TeenThing on her 2nd run!
    These feet were made for runnin’!

    Busy figuring everything out.
    I am on vacation this week and have spent the first part of this week keeping myself busy with appointments and crocheting (my sanity saver) and today I am taking time to rebuild home base.
    When you are sick with a mental illness, sometimes you need to sit back and reassess your coping skills.  Sometimes you develop habits that you think are your coping skills, but they’re not.  Mostly they are distractions.
    It’s hard to keep focused when the switch is flipped.  The one track mind that takes over is hard to derail.  It has a voice of it’s own.  An agenda of it’s own.
    Funny thing is, I know it’s happening.
    I can feel the cocoon that starts to wrap around me when my stress level rises. I fidget.  I need to do something with my hands…and not necessarily the task at hand.  I need to find an escape.  Something I can lose myself in.  Thankfully it isn’t drugs or alcohol.  It’s just plain old “what else can I be doing that isn’t what I really should be doing?”.  There are times I can pull back, and times that I can’t.

    But, you’re running.  Isn’t that helping?

    Yes.  Until I strained my calf.
    The intense NEED to run away from my stress, my illness……it was overwhelming.  I ran too much too fast.
    So much for running smart!  FACE PALM.
    *sigh*
    One of the good things about running with TeenThing is that she is keeping my pace and kilometres low.  This is allowing my calf to heal and is giving TeenThing a good start to this sport.  I love running with her.  She is doing great and knows when she can push herself and when she needs a break.

    Doesn’t all this unorganized chaos inside your head make it hard to keep moving forward?

    You are damn right it does.
    Some days I just want to sit down and cry, because I can’t get things straight.
    Some days my coping skills don’t help.  These are the days I want to escape.  But I can’t.  So I have to ride the roller coaster the best way I know how.  These are my hardest days.  Days that make me feel like I am treading water and someone has a hold of my feet. The days I do and say everything wrong.  The days that people look at me like “What the hell?”.  The days I can’t say “It is not a good day for me.”   Why can’t I say it?  Because people will see THAT always.  Not the focused, driven, has her shit together me.  They will always remember the chaotic, flustered, brain dead me.  The girl at the mall, or a store, that is trying desperately to GET OUT.  The thoughts, the people, the noise, all competing for space.  Space I do not have in my head.  Space that is taken up by all the negative energy that my mental illness manifests when I am not winning the daily fight.
    Days that I am not myself.
    Even with all of the talking, all of the wonderful people coming out and sharing their stories about their struggles, all of the focus on mental health, the campaigns, the awareness, there is still a stigma.  People that will still look at me different, not want to “upset” me.
    I don’t always feel comfortable saying I am having a bad day.  People hear “bad day” and associate it with “uh oh, is she having a breakdown?”.
    There is still so much more that needs to be done.  In the community, in the workplace, within media. More Mental Health First Aid needs to be rolled out.

    Why?  Can’t you just take meds or meditate?

    Sometimes meds just keep our heads above water.  They numb our feelings.  We need help on our bad days.  Not necessarily “hospital” help.  Just someone to say “Okay, let’s head out for a few minutes, grab a coffee, and tell me how you REALLY are.  Maybe we can figure something out.  Get you back on track.”  
    Sometimes this is all that is needed.
    I know we are all busy these days.  Deadlines, appointments, etc.  But sometimes, that 5-15 minutes can help someone.  Make them feel that they matter.  Make them feel that they are not going down the rabbit hole alone.  That there is someone there that cares.  Someone that sees what is underneath the chaos.  That will not focus on the “remember when you (insert a bad day here)”.
    NOTE: You can’t “fix” us.  We are the captain of this crazy train.  We know where the brakes are.  We just need to be guided.  We need to refocus.

    We are all human.

    We all have bad days.
    We all want to escape.
    We all want to be seen for who we really are.  Not what we “have”.
    So for now, I will rebuild home base.
    Run with TeenThing to build up our kilometre base.
    Set up future running dates with my BRF, because I miss her.
    Keep sharing my experiences when I can.  Keep the conversation going.
    Not all mental illness is “scary”.  
    A lot of us are just lost, confused, and need a hand to come out of the fog to lead us home.
    Don’t be afraid to be that hand.
    #crazymamaruns
     

     

     

  • Why is my FitBit on my Dresser??

    Yes. On my Dresser.

     
    Those who saw my personal account post on Facebook know where I am going with this.
     
    My FitBit was a Christmas Gift.  I was super excited!!! Finally, I had a fitness tracker.
     
    The joy of watching my steps per day – awesome.
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    I would be so happy when the lights danced and it did it’s special little vibration. 

    Like a party on my wrist!  Plus, it could track my sleep AND wake me up!!

     
    Then, I had my knee surgery.
     
    Went off my anti-depressants/anxiety meds.
     
    My FitBit went from a device that I loved, to the “evil bitch” voice in my head.
     

    “Wow, look at his/her steps.”  

    “Why can’t you get that many steps?” 

    “Look, another challenge and your FitBit isn’t syncing your goal and steps over goal.”  

    “What are you doing wrong?”

     
    Basically, a Broken Record
     
    And so, I decided that for the month of May, I am going FitBit free.
     
    I posted it on Facebook, so that there would be some accountability.  A fellow FitBit lover questioned it, and because my anxiety was close to consuming me, I felt I had to respond.  It may have been a little over the top, but I wanted people to know that sometimes, having a mental illness can suck the fun out of fun stuff:
     
    “I’m not saying it isn’t great motivation, but when you have  a mental illness, and you are working on dealing with that med free, it becomes a problem. Part of my mental illness is obsessive thinking.  If I “think” something is wrong or “needs to be fixed”, I won’t stop until I think it is fixed.  I don’t necessarily NEED motivation to move, I’m a runner, albeit an injured one.  Instead of focusing on my strength training, I worry about steps.  Because it’s there, every day.  If my app syncs but my challenges don’t update, I obsess, syncing and syncing and freaking out when it doesn’t work.  THAT is not good for my mental health, which is a large part of MY motivation to move.  So for now, while I am in rehab mode from the surgery and strength training, no FitBit.  Until I can wear it and not “hear a skipping record that won’t shut off”, it will stay on my dresser.  I want to love my FitBit, not hate it.”
     
    So, will I wear it again?
     
    Yes.  No doubt in my mind.
     
    I will wear it when I know (and am comfortable with) the fact that I may or may NOT hit 10,000 steps a day.  
     
    When my steps do not define my day or myself.
     

    When the record stops skipping.

     
    #crazymamaruns

  • 30 Day Yoga Challenge!!!

    Okay – here we go!

    I did some research today for which challenge I would like to try.

    I signed up with the 30 Day Yoga Challenge with Erin Motz.

    https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_wJtQjQ4HI8&source=uds

    Once you sign up you get your first class.  I will be doing my first class tomorrow.  I am partnering this up with daily meditation 🙂

    I will post my thoughts and comments on each class.

    If you decide to join me, please leave your comments and thoughts here as well!

    If anyone is brave enough to take photos, I’d love to share them here on the blog!

    If I get adventurous, you may even see a video or two as a blog post!

    So, see you on the mat!!!

    #crazymamaruns