Rumination, second guessing everything, answering work related emails at midnight (when I didn’t have to).
Once I answered that email at midnight (which arrived way earlier than that), I knew it was time to call my doctor.
I set up a phone call, and we talked about my HRT and antidepressants.
It was decided that since there was room to move up on my antidepressants, we would go this route.
Tomorrow I start the new dose.
I’m hopeful this will work.
Perimenopause is doing me dirty and I am not a fan.
One thing I am grateful for is all the work I put in through therapy over the past few years to recognize when I hit my wall BEFORE it crumbles.
I’m not one to suffer in silence anymore. If I need help, I ask.
With the Fall ramping up and year end on its heels, I want to keep myself healthy mentally.
To help me physically, I need regular movement again. I have a bike (and it is a workout let me tell ya), taking marine collagen, and starting to consider yoga again.
Feeling like I am falling apart is no good, so one step at a time.
I have a follow up in two months.
As women, we really need to be louder about this stage of our life – and I am glad to see more of us out there speaking our truth.
When I started my new position, I was reading every single email about what was happening: events, charity work, training sessions, educational pathways, etc.
One day, I saw a call out for an Easter Seals fundraiser called Drop Zone.
I’m familiar with the event, knowing those who participated in the past. I was also aware of the good work that Easter Seals does for accessibility.
Accessibility is essential because it ensures everyone can participate fully, regardless of ability. When we design spaces, technology, and information to be inclusive from the start, we remove barriers that limit people’s independence, dignity, and opportunity. Prioritizing accessibility isn’t just a compliance checkbox—it’s a commitment to equity, innovation, and creating environments where all people can thrive.
Drop Zone is a rappel event held across Canada. In Halifax, it is a 23 story rappel off of an office building.
It took me about a minute, and I asked to be signed up.
Now….
I have never rappelled.
I have been on theme park rides. You’re usually in a secure “vehicle” and “strapped in”. The ride is usually not long, and before you realize it, it’s over.
I’m not gonna lie…I have a slight fear of heights.
This event would pit me against one of my fears. It also would allow me to raise awareness about accessibility.
It seemed so far away when I signed up and started fundraising.
Then I had to sign up for rappelling sessions.
Then I took those lessons (the scariest part was sitting back) off of a half wall at a climbing gym.
I thought: “I got this!”
Reader: It was false bravado, lol.
Nothing was real until I reached the roof in my gear.
Is she laughing? Yes (Is she scared to death? 100%)
I was at the 23rd story (the roof) of an OFFICE BUILDING. I could see forever everywhere I looked.
The team at Tacten were amazing (all the volunteers were!).
They checked and adjusted my harness, walked me through each step, and got me over to my spot. I was hooked up at the waist and chest.
I was facing inward, and was told to step backwards onto the ledge and get into the brace.
Holding on for dear life.
This is where I questioned my life choices, lol.
Then I remembered WHY I was doing this, and the people who I was doing it for.
So, when they helped me adjust my feet so that my heels were off the ledge, and told me to sit back – I took a deep breath (they gave me so much support!) and said out loud: “This is the hardest part.”
Then I sat back.
Took my first steps down.
The photographer said: “Hey, Amy!”
I looked up.
He suggested the pose.
I never looked down – haha
From there, I started my descent. They said we should enjoy the view…so I enjoyed the reflection in the office building windows!
It was a surreal experience.
Once in a lifetime for me!
A day to remember, and a great fundraising effort by my work colleagues.
Facing one of my fears gave me the opportunity to see what I am capable of, even under a great amount of anxiety.
It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.
So many changes.
Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.
I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.
I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.
I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.
Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.
One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.
I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.
I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.
Navigating all this is challenging.
Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.
What does the road ahead look like?
Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.
As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.
One thing I have come to accept is that mental illness is NOT a personal failure.
I have felt that way for years. That I had somehow caused it. That I was responsible for it “showing up”. I also put the blame on myself when my daughter was diagnosed. It must have been my fault. What did I do to let this happen?
The answer is nothing. I did nothing to “let it happen”. Chemical imbalances are just that. Imbalances. My brain needed help. I needed help. My daughter needed help.
Once I was able to make peace with this, then it became a little easier to fight the negative voice inside my head. Do I always win? No. But I try my hardest to not listen when it tells me what a failure I am.
I am who I am, and I will always try to share my good and bad days. People need to know that just because I appear happy go lucky, it doesn’t mean I am not hiding the fact that I struggling. On my bad days I am trying my hardest to fight “the voice”.
Sometimes I will admit defeat, and even though it may be hard, I let myself go through what I need to go through. Keeping the bad days at bay are not always the best solution, and we shouldn’t feel bad for having them.
Being able to navigate this thing called depression is not easy, but I’m doing my best. My daughter is doing her best. I know that everyone diagnosed with mental illness is doing their best.
We’ve made it through some of our worst days, and we’ll make it through many more.
In my darkest (and not so darkest) hours there are things I cannot say.
It’s not because I physically can’t. It’s because I am afraid to. If they are spoken out loud they become real. If they stay inside they are only my demons to deal with.
So, when I can’t say what I need to, this is what I wish you knew:
How hard it is to drag myself out of bed each morning
How much it hurts to move
That even though I’m smiling, I am probably empty inside
That I am not lazy
That I am not making excuses
That asking me how I am does not come across as you think it does
That I need help with almost everything
That making decisions can be debilitating
That washing my hair seems like a monumental task
That when I’m quiet, I’m hurting
That when I’m loud, I’m hurting
When I chew the skin around my nails, I am really really anxious
Sometimes it’s all just too much
That I am not mad at you
That I know you want to help, but I feel like such a tremendous burden
I’ve talked about how great of an actress I am. 99% of the time, you would never know that I suffer from a mental illness.
I’m good at hiding it, and it can take it’s toll. Not only on me, but on those around me.
That 1% of the time when I cannot hide it can be intense. When I lash out, push people away, and hide, I am at the breaking point.
It’s a hard thing to break, this hiding my illness thing. People don’t understand how I can be sick, and still function, laugh, and get out of bed.
I have to function. I have a job. I have rent and bills. I have a daughter who also suffers from a mental illness. I have sometimes forced myself to function for survival.
When I was first diagnosed with depression I couldn’t function. It was awful. I slept lots, everything hurt, and I felt completely hopeless.
I fight to not get to that point every day.
I am thankful for my meds. They have lifted me out of the deep.
They haven’t “cured” my mental illness, but they have helped me to stay relatively stable.
So if I am awful towards you, (and you haven’t done anything to me), it’s not because I am an awful person. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need help.
A gentle nudge to say “hey, you’re not acting like yourself”, can be just what I need to open up. Sometimes I just need an ear, or a shoulder.
So far, I have these on the list as possible races:
Epic Canadian
Navy 10k
Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
Valley Harvest
Food Run
These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.
Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.
Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.
Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.
Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.
Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!
