The Midlife Reframe

Category: awareness

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • What I’m Leaving Behind

    Well, here we are. 2022.

    I’ve decided there are things I am leaving behind in 2021, because they no longer serve me.

    I am keeping myself open to good things. Leaving behind my fear of not being good enough to receive the good things.

    I am owning my faults. Leaving behind the thought that I need to be perfect. I am embracing my full self.

    I am also leaving behind the thought that my body is ugly. I embrace the beauty of this vessel I have been given to live in.

    I am leaving behind the thought that I am unlovable. I am so loveable it’s crazy.

    I am leaving behind my jaded views. They only bog me down.

    I am on a mission to find the joy in simple things, leaving behind the idea that the big things are the only joyful things in my life.

    I will be easier on myself, leaving behind the idea that I need to be hard on myself to be better.

    I am always learning, and will not be ashamed to say so, leaving behind the shame.

    I will no longer run away from the good things in my life, nor will I back down when challenged.

    This will take work, bit I am willing to do it. There is still so much of my life to live, and I want to LIVE it.

    Let’s do this.

  • It’s Not a Personal Failure

    One thing I have come to accept is that mental illness is NOT a personal failure.

    I have felt that way for years. That I had somehow caused it. That I was responsible for it “showing up”. I also put the blame on myself when my daughter was diagnosed. It must have been my fault. What did I do to let this happen?

    The answer is nothing. I did nothing to “let it happen”. Chemical imbalances are just that. Imbalances. My brain needed help. I needed help. My daughter needed help.

    Once I was able to make peace with this, then it became a little easier to fight the negative voice inside my head. Do I always win? No. But I try my hardest to not listen when it tells me what a failure I am.

    I am who I am, and I will always try to share my good and bad days. People need to know that just because I appear happy go lucky, it doesn’t mean I am not hiding the fact that I struggling. On my bad days I am trying my hardest to fight “the voice”.

    Sometimes I will admit defeat, and even though it may be hard, I let myself go through what I need to go through. Keeping the bad days at bay are not always the best solution, and we shouldn’t feel bad for having them.

    Being able to navigate this thing called depression is not easy, but I’m doing my best. My daughter is doing her best. I know that everyone diagnosed with mental illness is doing their best.

    We’ve made it through some of our worst days, and we’ll make it through many more.

    We’re survivors. Not failures.

    Don’t ever forget that.

  • Dialing Into My Brain

    Today, I had planned to wake up early and get to the gym. There was a spin class I wanted to go to and then do a 30 minute strength training sesh.

    I must have turned my alarm off in my sleep.

    I slept in.

    Then my brain went into overdrive.

    It was a little stormy out. I checked the bus times.

    An hour until the bus came. That would set me back even more.

    (Not really, because the gym is open ALL DAY. Also, it would have given me time to get ready.)

    I had to do a workout right then and there, because I slept in and already wasted time.

    (I probably needed the sleep, to be honest.)

    So I grabbed my bosu ball and my weights, and headed downstairs.

    (My bosu ball needed some air, and I couldn’t find the pump. More chaos ensued.)

    It was after this workout that I took a moment to pause (before my yoga sesh), and finally dialled into my brain.

    I could have calmly waited and got myself ready for the gym.

    What was I afraid of?

    (Starting as a newbie….again.)

    Why didn’t I just slow myself down and talk it out?

    (Old habit of not wanting to know the real reason for the anxiety. Will have to work on that.)

    Would I have died if I showed up at the gym and other people saw me?

    (No. Definitely not.)

    So, one of my deep digs is going to be facing what my brain thinks is a big fear, and trying to talk myself through the situation.

    (If I can, because sometimes the anxiety wins, but I will try my hardest.)

    So, some notes will be going up to remind myself that I am worth the time it takes.

    I will set up a reminder system in my phone of my weekly “outside of the house” plan.

    I will dig deep to find the fear behind the anxiety.

  • What I Wish You Knew

    In my darkest (and not so darkest) hours there are things I cannot say.

    It’s not because I physically can’t. It’s because I am afraid to. If they are spoken out loud they become real. If they stay inside they are only my demons to deal with.

    So, when I can’t say what I need to, this is what I wish you knew:

    • How hard it is to drag myself out of bed each morning
    • How much it hurts to move
    • That even though I’m smiling, I am probably empty inside
    • That I am not lazy
    • That I am not making excuses
    • That asking me how I am does not come across as you think it does
    • That I need help with almost everything
    • That making decisions can be debilitating
    • That washing my hair seems like a monumental task
    • That when I’m quiet, I’m hurting
    • That when I’m loud, I’m hurting
    • When I chew the skin around my nails, I am really really anxious
    • Sometimes it’s all just too much
    • That I am not mad at you
    • That I know you want to help, but I feel like such a tremendous burden
    • My anger and frustration is not directed at you
    • That I need time alone to decompress
    • My brain makes me think I’m a failure
    • Even when I try, and succeed, I feel guilty
    • When I say I need to go home, I do, badly
    • That being around crowds can be paralyzing
    • That hopelessness is always nipping at my heals
    • That medication doesn’t make it all go away
    • That I don’t feel brave, or strong
    • I’m crying because I am frustrated, not sad
    • How exhausting it is to just be
    • Fighting this is hard, so hard
    • That most days, all I want to do is sleep
    • How much I hate this

  • Today I Encourage You

     

    I encourage you to talk about mental illness.

    I also encourage you to get involved.  To create change.

    Seek out an organization and give your time if  you can, or donate to a local organization that is helping those who cannot get the help they need.

    This day was created to make conversations.  We need to carry this movement into the year.

    We need change.

    We need action.

    We need to give hope to those who have none left.

    Having mental illness can be devastating.  It can be isolating.

    Reach out.  Be kind.

    Let’s talk…about creating change towards the misconceptions of mental illness.

  • Life as a Depression Ninja

    Depression Ninja?

    Yes.

    I’ve talked about how great of an actress I am. 99% of the time, you would never know that I suffer from a mental illness.

    I’m good at hiding it, and it can take it’s toll. Not only on me, but on those around me.

    That 1% of the time when I cannot hide it can be intense. When I lash out, push people away, and hide, I am at the breaking point.

    It’s a hard thing to break, this hiding my illness thing. People don’t understand how I can be sick, and still function, laugh, and get out of bed.

    I have to function. I have a job. I have rent and bills. I have a daughter who also suffers from a mental illness. I have sometimes forced myself to function for survival.

    When I was first diagnosed with depression I couldn’t function. It was awful. I slept lots, everything hurt, and I felt completely hopeless.

    I fight to not get to that point every day.

    I am thankful for my meds. They have lifted me out of the deep.

    They haven’t “cured” my mental illness, but they have helped me to stay relatively stable.

    So if I am awful towards you, (and you haven’t done anything to me), it’s not because I am an awful person. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need help.

    A gentle nudge to say “hey, you’re not acting like yourself”, can be just what I need to open up. Sometimes I just need an ear, or a shoulder.

    This illness doesn’t go away.

    I’m a Depression Ninja for life.

  • Let’s Get Running

    Looking ahead to the next year as a whole isn’t something that comes easy to me.

    Just typing this is making me itch with anxiety (for real, my arms are itchy).

    I have decided to start planning my races for next year. I will be running all as a Worth Living Run Ambassador to bring awareness to mental illness.

    I have already registered for the 15k distance at the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon in June.

    I am registering for the Resolution Run this week.

    So far, I have these on the list as possible races:

    • Epic Canadian
    • Navy 10k
    • Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
    • Valley Harvest
    • Food Run

    These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.

    Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.

    Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.

    Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.

    Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.

    Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you 🙂

    @scrmngin2thevoid

  • A Booster for My Brain

    Today was my six week check in with my doc to see where my anxiety was at.

    We sat down and talked about how things were, and how the additional methods I have been using to keep my anxiety under control have not been working like they have in the past. My depression has gotten better, and I am able to navigate my days with more clarity.

    So, here’s the deal:

    I have been chewing the skin around my fingernails to the point where I have caused myself to bleed. The only thing that keeps that at bay is work (kind of, lol) and crocheting.

    I also talked about my itching. When my anxiety starts to get bad, I become extremely itchy and cannot stop scratching. When it first started, I though it was because of the extremely humid summer we were having, but it wasn’t consistent with the weather.

    I have (unfortunately) started taking random comments personally. Things that really (on a “normal” day) would not bother me, do, and I feel the need to react without taking a step back.

    Since things were not where we were hoping them to be, we discussed a booster for my Cipralex.

    Starting tomorrow, I start taking the lowest dose of Abilify.

    I am hoping for little to no side effects, but I am fully prepared either way.

    It should take a full two weeks for the Abilify to make a full impact on my brain.

    I go back for another doc visit in six weeks.

    Through all of this, my return to physical activity has been a rough go, so I am taking things easy and making a plan this weekend to start a regular schedule of exercise.

    That is where things sit now.

    I’ll continue to keep moving forward.

    Happy that my toolbox has expanded, and trying to keep positive that my brain will cooperate 🙂

    @crazymamaruns