The Midlife Reframe

Tag: self care

  • Good Bye July

    July was busy.

    But, July also gave me some downtime.

    I have had two weeks of vacation, which were sorely needed.

    My first week was a complete wind down.

    I took my peeps out to Peggy’s Cove to at least get off the balcony for one day….

    One of the views from Peggy’s Cove Lighthouse

    My daughter and I got matching tattoos. Ponyo!

    Astrid does amazing work!!

    We headed to the beach on the second week…temps in the city were close to 30 celsius and there was humidity, which meant melting on the balcony was not an option!

    Hubbards Beach
    Catching some rays

    Back in June, I was able to snag a reservation for a glamping dome down in the Annapolis Valley. What a quiet, relaxing little spot. We grabbed some food from The Noodle Guy (delish) and some local wine from Luckett Vineyards.

    You can almost drive by….so take it slow
    We hung out while waiting for our order
    Luckett Vineyards are absolutely beautiful….I picked up a bottle of Tidal Bay and a couple of spritzers

    Valley Sky is a MUST, and we are already planning a fall visit. Check it out!

    I added a charcuterie board to our stay. Local eats!
    And I turned the temperature down for a soak in the hot tub! (It was 38 celsius with the humidity, blargh!)

    We stayed in the Tidal Dome. The bed was super cozy, the lounge chairs with ottomans were soooo comfortable, and all the amenities made for a great stay. I was kind of sad when we had to pack up the next morning!!

    So serene, and so many birds to listen to!
    My first cup of the day…

    On the way home, we popped into Just Us Coffee for some fuel….and I needed a latte, haha.

    Vanilla Latte…. Deeeeelicious

    Now I am turning the corner to start getting ready for Back To Work on Tuesday (Monday is the Natal Day Holiday here).

    While I am sad to be coming to the end of my vacation, I had some good times. I got a lot of rest.

    And, I think I’m ready to get back at it.

    Until next time!

    Stay Cool Cheesebags!

  • And So We Begin Again

    My first Parkrun, but starting out walking

    So.

    Running.

    Haven’t been doing it regular like.

    Decided I really need to, for my mental health more than anything.

    So this weekend I went to my first Parkrun.

    For those of you who are unfamiliar, Parkrun is a free timed 5k event run by volunteers. You register, get a barcode, and take that barcode with you to the event.

    You can run, walk, or run/walk the event. At the end you scan your barcode and the chip they give you. Your time is recorded and that’s it!

    I was thankful to run into friends for my first time around. We started out walking and the did a nice slow pace for running. It was a great way to get back into something I’ve been doing since 2011. I really moss getting out and hitting the pavement for some stress relief.

    I’ll be taking it slow and steady through the winter months, hopefully building up a good base for the spring/summer.

    I am looking at races and may wait until the spring/summer to tackle those, we’ll see how the winter treats me!

    For now, some small trips around the neighbourhood and Parkrun on Saturdays to start.

    So glad I took the first step this weekend.

    Here’s to more KMs under my belt!

  • What I am Learning in Therapy

    I am stuck in a circle of flight and freeze.

    My exhaustion is valid. My energy is being spent in this circle. I need to readjust my nervous system.

    I have a lot of trauma to work through, and some vicarious trauma to take care of as well.

    It’s going to be a journey, and I know it’s not going to be easy.

    Am I hesitant? Fuck yes. Facing things I have been compartmentalizing is not going to be fun. I have a lot of boxes to unpack. Le sigh.

    I am super thankful for a great therapist who lets me unload and helps me navigate my feelings.

    I have a lot of feelings, lol.

    I didn’t realize how much I was keeping in boxes until I started spewing everything out.

    No wonder I am so tired.

    I gave myself permission over the holidays to spend time doing absolutely nothing. I have spent some time in bed watching Netflix, and watched the whole Harry Potter series in PJs. Also, Toblerone for breakfast – *chef’s kiss*

    I am going to share as much as I can, at least what I am comfortable sharing.

    Be patient with me, cause it’s gonna be intense at times.

    Roller coaster, here I come!

  • Dialing Into My Brain

    Today, I had planned to wake up early and get to the gym. There was a spin class I wanted to go to and then do a 30 minute strength training sesh.

    I must have turned my alarm off in my sleep.

    I slept in.

    Then my brain went into overdrive.

    It was a little stormy out. I checked the bus times.

    An hour until the bus came. That would set me back even more.

    (Not really, because the gym is open ALL DAY. Also, it would have given me time to get ready.)

    I had to do a workout right then and there, because I slept in and already wasted time.

    (I probably needed the sleep, to be honest.)

    So I grabbed my bosu ball and my weights, and headed downstairs.

    (My bosu ball needed some air, and I couldn’t find the pump. More chaos ensued.)

    It was after this workout that I took a moment to pause (before my yoga sesh), and finally dialled into my brain.

    I could have calmly waited and got myself ready for the gym.

    What was I afraid of?

    (Starting as a newbie….again.)

    Why didn’t I just slow myself down and talk it out?

    (Old habit of not wanting to know the real reason for the anxiety. Will have to work on that.)

    Would I have died if I showed up at the gym and other people saw me?

    (No. Definitely not.)

    So, one of my deep digs is going to be facing what my brain thinks is a big fear, and trying to talk myself through the situation.

    (If I can, because sometimes the anxiety wins, but I will try my hardest.)

    So, some notes will be going up to remind myself that I am worth the time it takes.

    I will set up a reminder system in my phone of my weekly “outside of the house” plan.

    I will dig deep to find the fear behind the anxiety.

  • Don’t Change

    Please, don’t change.

    You don’t need a “new you” for the New Year.

    Be unapologetically you. Every year.

    Do things FOR you, not because you “need to”, or “have-to-because-this-person-said-I-am-not-my-best-self”, but because you want to do it, for you.

    You are the Captain of your own ship. Everyone’s ship, and course, are different.

    Be kind to yourself. I know sometimes that it can be hard. We are our own worst critics.

    I know this: You are capable of great things.

    You are worthy of good things, even when you feel like you aren’t worthy of anything.

    You matter.

    You’re amazing, right now, just the way you are.

    Keep steady on your course, you beautiful human.

  • Recharging The Soul

    I am very thankful for our trip to Cuba this year.

    It was beautiful. It was hot. It was eye opening.

    Being able to get away has been very good, for both the mind and the soul.

    Travelling with a mental illness isn’t always easy. I have a lot of anxiety beforehand.

    I know what you’re thinking: Everyone has some anxiety before they travel. Yes, I will concede to that.

    The problem I have is, I see these anxieties as monumental issues, and that bad things ARE GOING to happen.

    I think that WILL forget my passport, that I WILL get a personal item taken away from me, that I WILL be pulled aside in security and separated from my daughter, and the plane WILL have issues and we will have to do an emergency landing. I’ve already had to go to a doctor while outside of the country on a previous visit down south, so that is always in my brain.

    These are real to me.

    These things ARE going to happen, even though in reality I know they are not.

    I usually feel a bit calmer once we make it through security. Why I get nervous I don’t know, because I am not, in any way, carrying anything illegal.

    (Funny story: My daughter got pulled over when going through security for her backpack. When the woman opened the bag, she called over the young gentleman who flagged her bag. She pulled out the item in question, turned to him and said: “Hon, this is a book.” We had a good chuckle, but also glad that they do their jobs and leave nothing unchecked. Even if it is a book!)

    My anxiety lessens even more once we arrive at our intended destination.

    Then my anxiety about injuring myself sets in, lol.

    It’s a never ending circle really, but I always find a way to shift my mind away and find the time to relax.

    This vacation was just what I needed. I was able to process a lot of things and get back to where I want to be.

    I am a little more motivated, a little more happier, and a little more me.

    I need to make sure I make this happen again, even if it’s every two years.

    We need time to rejuvenate our souls, somewhere close, somewhere far. A place where we disconnect from the day to day and take the time to reconnect with ourselves (even if it means an hour in bed, an hour running/at the gym, or an hour in the shower/tub).

    Take the time to breathe.

    We need it.

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you 🙂

    @scrmngin2thevoid

  • Not Racing…On Purpose

    As most of you know, I am taking this year off from racing. It wasn’t an easy decision and I went back and forth with it, until my body finally had enough, and yelled STOP!

    I am staying away from everything race related this year (well, I’m going to try) because I just need to.

    Do I miss it? Fuck yes.

    I am usually nearing the end of a training cycle right now, as the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon (my usual spring half) is during our May long weekend.

    It has been weird, BUT…

    I have been working on my muscle imbalances.

    I am getting the rest I really need, physically and mentally. When racing and training starts messing with your head, it’s time to step back.

    I am still running, and it’s starting to become something I enjoy again (thanks to my awesome BRF).

    I am slowly getting my weight training back into my schedule, and I am considering looking at some PT sessions this summer to amp this up.

    I deleted my Garmin account (THE HORROR!) and I am using my Apple Watch to track my fitness.

    AND: There are days I do nothing fitness related.

    I admit that I was afraid of taking this year off.

    I was soooo scared of what may happen (read: freaked that I may not run AT ALL and not miss it).

    But now that I am 4 months in, I’m okay.

    Will I race next year? Don’t know.

    But if I don’t, it’s okay. Racing does not define who I am as a runner.

    That was my internal struggle. That is what I had to come to terms with. I don’t HAVE to race to call myself a runner.

    Racing is a such a personal thing. I loved racing to see where I could push myself physically and mentally.

    Once it becomes about other things, it’s no longer fun.

    So, for now, I am going to continue to enjoy my running on the track, road, and on the trails.

    See you out there fellow runners 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Out From The In

    It’s been a rough go these past few months.

    Swimming upstream was taking its toll.

    The daily struggle of getting out of bed was hard, and my life mojo was low.

    Having a moment in each and every day to sit and be present with myself caused me to face some of my demons head on. Taking time to stop and breathe made me extremely aware.

    I am thankful I am making time for me on and off my yoga mat. (Not running hasn’t been easy, but I am making headway and my calves don’t hate me.)

    These moments of self reflection made me aware of how well I can convince myself that I am not mentally ill.

    Now, just hang on there: I said convince myself . This is not a good thing. This is where I shove everything down into the core of my being where it sits to fester.

    The big ball of festering feels starts to manifest outward: I chew the skin around my fingers. I don’t care if my house isn’t clean. I get snippy. Hearing people speak makes me rage-y. Being in a large area with lots of people really makes me want to curl into a ball. I can go on and on. The list is frigging LARGE.

    Facing my demons is not always easy. It can be goddamn scary. Not knowing what the outcome will be can be very overwhelming. But I need to do it. This is how I know if I need to ask for help.

    For now, I’m good. Things are okay. I’m still hanging out in my cocoon a bit, because it’s cozy in here, but I am slowly coming around.

    Another rough patch done.

    I know there will be another.

    For now, I am embracing this moment, looking out from the in.

    @crazymamaruns