The Midlife Reframe

Tag: Halifax

  • Running, In The Time of COVID

    Or…..not running?

    I have been struggling lately. I haven’t been running as much as I would like. Honestly, it’s been a while.

    I have some really bad anxiety when I go outside. If I do want to go for a run, it needs to be early in the morning so I am not around that many people. I am so nervous that I am going to unexpectedly turn a corner and run into someone. It really weighs on my mind, and I have pretty much played out all the possible scenarios in my head of what could happen (i.e. I’ll get hit by a car because I move onto the street to give a wide berth to those on the sidewalk).

    I know for me, getting outside and moving is important for my mental health. I am working from home right now, so it’s a break I need from the inside of my apartment. It’s all I see, from Sunday to Saturday, the inside of my apartment. The only other break from “the inside”, is when I go to get groceries.

    What does being inside all the time do?? Well, my hibernation mode sets in, and that’s not a good thing. My brain goes “Meh, outside is overrated.” “Look at all the things you need to do INSIDE.” “Nobody needs to see you slogging around out there.” Then, it begins to tug at my motivation, and it burns that wick down quickly. My get up and go, got up and went.

    I even fell off the yoga wagon. That was my equalizer. Now I am off balance.

    One wagon I did not fall off of, was the depression wagon. That wagon has me as a full time passenger. This is the voice behind hibernation mode. This is the voice that is winning because of the stress and anxiety I am experiencing.

    I know I can change this. I know that I CAN run outside without being pummelled by Covid (and people). It’s convincing my depression and my anxiety that I can do it. That’s not such an easy task.

    I have signed up for a virtual race in July, and my race in September, that has been postponed until 2021, will be having some sort of virtual event the same weekend of the race. I am hoping that these events will give me that little push to get moving regularly again.

    Now, I just need to have a chat about this whole situation with my mental illness. Wish me luck!

  • Keeping it Real

    This is Mental Illness Awareness Week, and I decided that every day, on my personal Facebook page, I would write something about my experience with mental illness.

    I did my “hey this is what I am doing” post on Sunday night.

    I did “hey here are my meds” on Monday.

    Today (Tuesday), well today was a rough day. One of those “it hurts to move and I don’t want to face the world” kind of days.

    So, when I picked myself up out of bed I contemplated whether or not I would share it.

    It took me until I got on the bus to be able to form a post that expressed how my day was going to be.

    I don’t have these kind of days that often, now that I am medicated. But they still sneak in there.

    I had told myself long ago that if I was going to be open about my mental illness that I had to share the good and the bad.

    This felt/feels different. Sharing my experiences on my own personal Facebook page opens me up to everyone.

    Being vulnerable and having such an outpouring of support does make the fight a bit easier….until I dig deep and my brain says “Hey, nice going attention whore.” Then I want to crawl back into a hole and stay there forever.

    I have to remind myself that sharing the things I do is not an attention grab. I am sharing my journey, my good and my bad. Today was bad. Tomorrow may be a better day.

    I keep telling myself this: People won’t know how hard it is to fight a mental illness if you don’t keep it real.

    So, I’ll keep sharing. Sharing what is real in my life, and in my fight with a mental illness.

  • Following My Path

    After unpacking some of my shit, it was time to forge a new path.

    (I am not done unpacking all my shit. Far from it.)

    I need to start following my own path. For years I have been following someone else’s path, or the path that I thought was expected of me.

    I am still trying to navigate my new path. It’s going to be rough some days, but I am really looking forward to moving ahead, instead of looking back.

    I am learning many things about myself, and I am keeping an open mind when things don’t go the way I hoped they would.

    I am continuing to embrace my mental illness (even on the bad days), and coming to terms with how it is a part of me, but yet doesn’t define me as a human.

    I am slowly making changes in my life, and it feels good.

    So if you see me feeling lost, or putting myself down, give me a poke and remind me: you are moving forward.

    Moving. Forward.

  • Unpacking My Shit: Plant Style

    So one of the things that has come from the unpacking of the shit has been how uncomfortable my apartment has been feeling (you know, besides the messy depression mess that seems to never go away, bastard).

    I have plants in my temporary office space, and I realized just how much more comfortable it feels having some green life around .

    I have now been on a mission to green up my place.

    Note: it can be expensive to buy bigger plants so I have been buying a lot of babies.

    In true mental illness fashion, I need all the plants and do all the research which equals obsessed, but I see this as a good obsession.

    I am starting to feel more comfortable and have new friends to take care of…..and keep alive.

    Also, it is hard to stay off of plant ordering websites: don’t…. look…. at….. them…. Amy.

    Let’s hope I don’t kill these new friends.

    (Thank goodness for plant apps with info and watering reminders!!)

    So, expect the odd obsessive plant post as I start my journey as a plant mom 😊

    Yay plants!

    Plaaaaaaaaaaaants.

  • Unpacking My Shit

    Here I am.

    It’s been a while since I sat down and unpacked some of my boxes.

    Not talking the physical kind. I am talking about the mental kind.

    I have filled many boxes over the years with all of my unpleasant thoughts and situations.

    I’ve started to unpack these boxes lately, and it hasn’t been fun.

    I’ve made some peace with certain situations in my life, and realized what I have been carrying around that wasn’t mine to carry.

    I’ve had guilt about staying in a mentally abusive marriage for such a long time. Time to kick that to curb. I have a beautiful daughter that came from that experience and so I focus on her. We’ve been a two person team since she was eight months old and I am super proud of the woman she is becoming.

    I am very self deprecating. It’s easy. My mental illness makes it easier. This is one I will struggle with daily, but I am working on it. I try and pick out one thing a day that I love about myself and keep that as a focus.

    My self doubt is another thing I am working on. That is also a daily struggle with me and my brain. I’m getting there though.

    I’ve had massive guilt about being a mom with a mental illness to a daughter with mental illness. I blamed myself for her illness. I must have given it to her. I didn’t know how to make peace with that until recently. We are who we are and we both just happen to have the same illness. Some days it’s hard struggling with my own while helping her, but we have each other’s back. Always.

    Today, I am starting to change my relationship with food. Food is fuel, but food is also feelings for me. When I am down I eat food to feel better, but not good food. I eat food that eventually makes me feel sluggish and sleepy. I made a grocery list today and stuck to it. Lots of healthy options for lunches and snacks.

    I also unpacked my box with the “my depression lives here” sticker on it. That one really opens up on its own and barfs all over my apartment. I don’t clean. I leave things everywhere. I don’t put my clean clothes away. I have no energy and I don’t care. But I have to care, because this place is a freaking DISASTER AREA.

    Those are just some of the boxes I am unpacking.

    I am doing the opposite with my gym bag. That is being packed for tomorrow morning. Movement makes me feel better about myself.

    So now, I need to unpack my groceries, lol.

    Facing some of these things has been hard, but worth it in order for me to move forward.

    Step by step.

    Day by day.

    Or even, minute by minute.

    It’ll get done, and I’ll keep moving forward.

  • Struggling With Self Worth

    This is a daily struggle for me.

    Part of my mental illness is a feeling of worthlessness.

    I doubt myself on an hourly basis.

    I never think I am good enough. On my good days I can gather up the gumption to kick that thought to the curb.

    But dammit it’s hard.

    When I was diagnosed with depression I was afraid of being a failure as not only a human, but as a mom. I wasn’t good enough to be mom, a daughter, a friend.

    I can see the worth in others, but not always in myself.

    Prioritizing time for me is hard. When I do take time for myself I feel guilty, because, let’s keep it real here, I don’t think I’m worth it.

    My brain tells me this every day, even with medication.

    I’m like a bad SNL skit throughout the day, reminding myself that I am worthy, I am capable, I am smart, and people do like me.

    I’m also bad at taking compliments because of this. Like, really bad. I feel embarrassed. NOT WORTHY.

    I’m good at pretending I have tons of confidence though. Sometimes, I almost give myself permission to feel as confident as I pretend I am.

    I am a work in progress. Always learning.

    I’ll get there. That place where I believe my worth.

    I may be 80 by the time that happens, but boy oh boy, will I be one kickass 80 year old!!

  • My Body is Changing and I Need a Support Group

    I’ll be 47 in a few months.

    My body is starting to work against me now. No matter what I do, it’s like I am moving through molasses.

    My days are already a battle with my brain.

    Now it’s a battle with my body.

    I am still running. Still physically active.

    My body is in “gather” mode. Like I am starving and it needs to save up extra gear to keep me alive.

    I AM FINE BODY, CAN YOU SLOW YOUR ROLL?!?

    Coming to peace with all the weird hormonal things going on is a struggle.

    The body and brain are a combo that are fighting for attention right now and I am exhausted trying to keep these balls up in the air.

    I am seriously thinking of starting a support group.

    It will have wine, food, and wise women that tell us all the stuff we need to know to make it through this weird state of walking backwards.

    So until I figure this out, I’ll just keep moving. My brain is going to need it.

  • I’m Pretty Sure My Fingers Are F@&ED

    I’ve talked about this before.

    How I chew on my fingers when I am super stressed or full of life cramping anxiety.

    Well, GUESS WHAT. My new meds have evened me out with my anxiety, but I still chew my fingers like my life is going to end, goddammit.

    I also had to cut my nails off because some of them split on the sides from my intrusive teeth.

    I have a stress drawer at work, which is filled with mini chocolate bars and other miscellaneous treats for when I am stressed and full of MONSTER anxiety (this most lovely pic is the recent stress drawer inventory).

    I have decided that I need to use this drawer to seriously save my fingers.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I can eat carrots or broccoli and win the health aspect here, but I need comfort and sometimes a Jolly Rancher is what I need to get by.

    So yes, things are stressful.

    I know things will get back to normal.

    For now, my stress drawer is my sanity.

    As you were.

  • Mental Illness is NOT Cool

    It’s just not.

    If I HAD a choice, I would choose not to have it.

    These are the cards I was dealt.

    I will always have this illness.

    It is not a bandwagon you can jump on, nor is it fashionable.

    I talk about it because I decided to be open about my journey, not because I want attention or because I think it’s “cool” to have a mental illness.

    It’s not cool.

    It’s painful. It’s debilitating. It’s a constant struggle.

    It’s not something that you WANT to have.

    I wouldn’t wish mental illness on anyone.

    This blog, my social media channels, they are my voice.

    Sometimes I voice the good things.

    Sometimes I voice the bad things.

    All in all, it’s my journey.

    The journey is real.

    And so is my illness.

  • Life as a Depression Ninja

    Depression Ninja?

    Yes.

    I’ve talked about how great of an actress I am. 99% of the time, you would never know that I suffer from a mental illness.

    I’m good at hiding it, and it can take it’s toll. Not only on me, but on those around me.

    That 1% of the time when I cannot hide it can be intense. When I lash out, push people away, and hide, I am at the breaking point.

    It’s a hard thing to break, this hiding my illness thing. People don’t understand how I can be sick, and still function, laugh, and get out of bed.

    I have to function. I have a job. I have rent and bills. I have a daughter who also suffers from a mental illness. I have sometimes forced myself to function for survival.

    When I was first diagnosed with depression I couldn’t function. It was awful. I slept lots, everything hurt, and I felt completely hopeless.

    I fight to not get to that point every day.

    I am thankful for my meds. They have lifted me out of the deep.

    They haven’t “cured” my mental illness, but they have helped me to stay relatively stable.

    So if I am awful towards you, (and you haven’t done anything to me), it’s not because I am an awful person. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need help.

    A gentle nudge to say “hey, you’re not acting like yourself”, can be just what I need to open up. Sometimes I just need an ear, or a shoulder.

    This illness doesn’t go away.

    I’m a Depression Ninja for life.