My doc and I decided that my dose was good, so I am continuing with the med and my antipsychotic as well.
Now that the cobwebs are clearing I can start purging my surroundings and my brain of everything that isn’t serving me.
Time to get back on track with the things I enjoy doing.
I started reading again. Small books so I don’t get discouraged. I am picking up my crochet hook again, and I plan on getting outside for movement.
I’m not totally delusional, I know there will be hard days, there always are, but this new med has given me some hope that there are more better days than bad.
I’m recovered from my second bout of COVID, relatively unscathed. We’ll see how things go there.
My daughter is also on a new med, and seems to be doing much better. We even attended a small Halloween Gathering as The Great Pumpkin and Linus.
As we roll into “the dark season”, I am hoping to use the tools in my toolbox to keep moving and stay ahead of my brain. And on those days my brain gets the better of me, I will show myself some grace.
Let’s help each other get through the winter together.
We can all give ourselves some grace this time of year.
Well, let me tell you one thing. Covid wasn’t great. Sickest I’ve been in a while. My taste and smell are coming back, as well as my energy.
I am currently on vacation, so it was great to have the time off to get better. By the time week one was done I was starting to enjoy my time.
I was able to get my room sorted with the help of my daughter. My depression had been living in my room for quite some time. Got a full garbage bag full of stuff to turf. Some time this week I’ll tackle my closet, which is a whole different beast.
Mid clean…I should have done a before shot.So much clutter gone!
Reset my coffee station by my bed. I had lots of pods that were buried in the mess my room had become.
We have a bunch of stuff that we are purging, so once it stops raining I’ll be lugging stuff out so our downstairs doesn’t look like a bad thrift store.
Having a mental illness affects so much in your life. I will feel so much better once we’re not surrounded by items we no longer use/that are broken. Clutter in the brain and clutter in the house is not a good combo.
About a year ago I wrote about my weight gain and my struggles with it. I have accepted where I am with it, and now that my energy is returning I can get back to being active again. Movement is good for the body and the brain. My running may take a bit to come back, but that’s okay. Slow and steady for a full return is better than no return at all.
I was able to participate in the Pride Parade this past weekend, and was light headed afterwards, so I know what my limit is right now. Thanks Covid.
All in all, things are okay right now. Taking this break is really making a difference. I am feeling rested.
Now to continue my de-depressioning of this apartment by finishing up laundry and getting the kitchen sorted.
I learned on Sunday that I was exposed to Covid-19.
I tested Monday Morning, negative.
So, I went about my day. My throat was kind of dry as the day went on, but didn’t think much about it, as I find the office air dry some days.
I woke up early Tuesday and I was not feeling good. Took another rapid test…..and it lit up like a Christmas tree.
Well fuck.
I waited until a half decent hour and called my kiddo (who is in the bedroom next to mine) to tell her the situation.
Her response: “Oh fuck”
I managed to work from home on Tuesday. But Wednesday was a different story. I slept most of Wednesday. The fatigue and the tightness of my chest was overwhelming. That and fighting the headache. It was just all too much.
Thursday saw me not as fatigued, but still quite ill. I made it through the day, and started getting head congestion. It seems to be this slow moving virus for me, each day adding something different.
Friday, I was feeling better. My daughter, luckily, had been testing negative and was clear to go on her planned trip to Montreal. We Facetimed and off she went. I was now able to roam the apartment. The change of scenery was welcome. I sat down on the balcony for my 1 hour of outside time in the early afternoon with a glass of grapefruit juice.
I took a drink of said juice and could barely taste it. By the time I was halfway through the glass I couldn’t taste it. I had the sensation of the “bite” it has, but no taste. Another COVID hit. Later on I became more congested and a fever started. I took meds and went to bed.
Here we are on Saturday. I still can’t taste. Fever is gone. Still congested in the head and chest (cough still hanging around). My smell isn’t great either. I don’t seem to be as fatigued, but I am trying to not move around as much as I did yesterday.
All in all, this sucks. I haven’t been this sick in quite some time. I am so very thankful for vaccines as I would hate to think how much worse this would be if I wasn’t vaccinated.
Time to take a break and get more rest. Writing has zapped some of my energy.
Stay safe out there. Wear your mask. Keep washing your hands.
I’m so done. Done with feeling like I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling.
I go in circles. A time where I’m feeling good and think I have everything under some semblance of control. I can handle a lot of things I cannot during a period of depression. I thrive during these times. Then comes the depression and I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my thought process. Everything I do is wrong.
This pandemic has made my depression periods more frequent, but in brief spurts and they hit me like truck. My circles become more chaotic and the times between my thrive and slump get shorter. I’m fighting against a strong undertow and it exhausts me.
I know this is drilled down to exceptional circumstances. I know this pandemic is affecting me in ways I can’t control. I’m facing this every day, this lack of control.
I try and step back, to see what is the underlying fear, and how can I work with that to move forward. It’s not easy, and sometimes there is no working with it. It is fear, and I need to feel it.
I recently found out I was at a COVID exposure site, and had to self isolate while waiting to get a test and the results. I was scared the whole time. One trip to pick up my lunch may have landed me in viral swamp, putting others at risk as well.
During that time, I couldn’t run. My coping mechanism was off limits. There were other ways of working out, but running lets me unwind in a different way. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but the ability to lace up is still my number one way to solve the overthinking brain.
Thankfully my test results were negative and I could het back to “normal”.
I am also lucky that I was able to book my vaccine, and I go in 10 days.
I am very lucky, and I acknowledge that.
I am just done with all of it. The pandemic, the damage and heartache it has caused, the fighting with my mental illness, watching people disrespect public health orders, all of it.
I have had to stop asking myself “What will today bring?”
The past few months have had it’s bad, and it’s good.
The world is still in a pandemic and my neighbours to the South are imploding.
I am glad the big orange cheeto is on his way out the door, but holy moly guys. I mean, I am not saying that couldn’t happen here, because it sure as well could. The world is just becoming freaking scary.
Every day brings with it more of the unknown, and I already have a problem with my OWN unknown. If I could sleep through all of it and wake up on the other side I probably would. But, I can’t, so I maneuver my daily mental illness around whatever the chaos de jour is and hope I don’t implode.
I am trying yoga again, and hoping that leads to running more consistently. My flexibility and balance need a lot of work. I am pretty tight, so keeping up with the yoga WHILE I am consistently running will be key. I just need to keep moving to relieve my stress and anxiety.
Sleep? Now there is an area I do not have a problem in right now. My depression keeps me sleeping like a log. I guess I am thankful for that, because if I didn’t have my sleep it would not be good.
I know I usually do a post ushering out the old year and one post ushering in the new, but the whole pandemic and what not have really frigged with my brain this year and I just couldn’t.
I am not on the negative train here. I am just so overwhelmed and out of whack with all the turmoil that I am guarding all my joy. I am keeping it tucked away and peek at it when I really need it.
I will be sharing some joy, I promise. It’s just going to take a while for me to let my guard down.
I woke up on Monday morning with a chest cold and a cough.
I took the online Covid assessment of my local health authority and was advised to get tested for Covid.
I booked my test online and was lucky to get an appointment that morning, within 2 hours of the assessment.
I told my daughter, which was a little scary, and get myself ready to go.
I got to the assessment centre and checked in. I was assigned a number and given a socially distanced seat to sit in. I was registered and into the testing pod in 5 minutes. The health practitioner who was going to administer my test was very nice, explained the test and showed me the swab. The swab was teeny, so I relaxed a bit. He then made a joke about amnesia and we had a good laugh. It definitely broke the tension.
The test took about 3 seconds. It was a little uncomfortable, but not as bad as I thought.
I was told it could take up to 3 days for my results. I was let go and followed the path out, sanitized my hands and went back out to my car.
I read the pamphlet I was given on self isolation and went directly home. I had to avoid common areas and choose which bathroom to use until my results came in.
Luckily, my home office is in my bedroom, and I hunkered down to work. (My daughter got ready and went to work as well. She works retail, so she checked in to make sure she was okay to go in, and away she went.)
It was very hard to focus while I was waiting for my results. I had supper delivered to my room by my daughter and had to announce every time I left my room.
I slept, which was surprising.
When I woke up Tuesday, the first thing I did was check my email. My results were in!
I logged in with my health card. The results were NEGATIVE.
I was so happy. I let my family members know and
I immediately sent an email to work to let them know and to advise I would work from home until I was better.
My self isolation was short lived, but I still had the stinking cold.
Thankful that is wasn’t Covid, I worked from home (with some time off to get rest) for the rest of the week.
Then, the cases started to rise and the places of possible exposures started to increase.
My anxieties were on the rise again, and the thought of going back into lockdown ate at me. My psoriasis got worse. I started chewing the skin around my nails again. Sigh.
I live in the Atlantic Bubble. We’ve done so good up until now. Our mandatory masking and the travel only within our 4 provinces seemed to keep us safely wrapped in a low cases blanket. Our restrictions in my area have been tightened up for the next 4 weeks to see if we can get things under control. If not, I fear we’ll be back into another lockdown around Christmas.
For now, I am going out only when I need to and follow the public health protocols to keep those around me safe.
For now, I’ll keep myself busy with crocheting and housework to slow the anxieties.
For now, I’ll hope for a Covid free Christmas.
For now, I’ll hope you’ll all stay safe and healthy.
I’m on a bit of a social media break (which will be ironic, because I’ll be posting this on social media, lol) so I can be present and show up in my life.
I’ve been absent for quite some time. Detached from things since COVID-19 reared it’s ugly head. Been living in fight or flight for far too long. So I am taking a step back for a couple of weeks to readjust and be with my family, and getting used to physically being back in the office full time.
I am sitting back, watching, listening and learning. I am reconnecting with myself during this little disconnect. It’s good for mind and body.
I need this. Being distracted and not focused is not good for my brain. I need direction and goals to work towards, and I’ve lost that.
I may be doing these little breaks more often, to stay engaged and aware. I think we all need a disconnect every now and then.
So, the next couple of weeks will be my reset, then I am going on vacation. I plan on taking lots of videos and pictures to share, so stay tuned.
Until then I am channeling my energy to the things that matter most, to me.
I have been eating better. I have been drinking more water. I am getting ready to start some consistent running and yoga on June 1st.
What I didn’t really pay attention to during this time was my underlying fatigue. That not so good depression sleep.
It’s the sleep that takes over. Sleeping in is every day. Sleeping until the last possible minute. This is not me. I am a wake up and get stuff done kind of person.
I’ve slept in every single morning for quite some time now. It’s not restful sleep. It’s a dead sleep. It’s a sleep filled with weird dreams.
I was wondering when it would happen to be honest.
It is a slow progression, the depression sleep. It creeps in and sloooowly takes over. An extra 10 minutes here, another 15 minutes there. The next thing you know, you’re sleeping in an extra 2 hours and you’re scrambling to get up for work.
I am hoping to change this starting tomorrow. If I can get up and get a small run in, it will be a win.
Making this commitment to myself is necessary, for both my body and mind during these uncertain time.
I have been struggling lately. I haven’t been running as much as I would like. Honestly, it’s been a while.
I have some really bad anxiety when I go outside. If I do want to go for a run, it needs to be early in the morning so I am not around that many people. I am so nervous that I am going to unexpectedly turn a corner and run into someone. It really weighs on my mind, and I have pretty much played out all the possible scenarios in my head of what could happen (i.e. I’ll get hit by a car because I move onto the street to give a wide berth to those on the sidewalk).
I know for me, getting outside and moving is important for my mental health. I am working from home right now, so it’s a break I need from the inside of my apartment. It’s all I see, from Sunday to Saturday, the inside of my apartment. The only other break from “the inside”, is when I go to get groceries.
What does being inside all the time do?? Well, my hibernation mode sets in, and that’s not a good thing. My brain goes “Meh, outside is overrated.” “Look at all the things you need to do INSIDE.” “Nobody needs to see you slogging around out there.” Then, it begins to tug at my motivation, and it burns that wick down quickly. My get up and go, got up and went.
I even fell off the yoga wagon. That was my equalizer. Now I am off balance.
One wagon I did not fall off of, was the depression wagon. That wagon has me as a full time passenger. This is the voice behind hibernation mode. This is the voice that is winning because of the stress and anxiety I am experiencing.
I know I can change this. I know that I CAN run outside without being pummelled by Covid (and people). It’s convincing my depression and my anxiety that I can do it. That’s not such an easy task.
I have signed up for a virtual race in July, and my race in September, that has been postponed until 2021, will be having some sort of virtual event the same weekend of the race. I am hoping that these events will give me that little push to get moving regularly again.
Now, I just need to have a chat about this whole situation with my mental illness. Wish me luck!
I guess I am getting used to this new normal. It’s still surreal, this world we are currently living in.
I live for the sunny days. Even when I am having a bad day on a sunny day, it doesn’t seem so awful.
Still thankful to be able to work from home. It keeps my mind focused.
I am ordering my groceries online and doing pickup. I was no longer able to go into the stores as my anxiety attacks beforehand exhausted me, and I was not able to focus while shopping.
I have been keeping myself occupied during the weekends with crocheting and housework. The crocheting is great for calming my nerves. The housework just makes me feel better.
I am thankful for video apps that keep me in touch with people, it has made a big difference.
I am thankful that I am able to get outside, even if it’s only for 10-20 mins during my work day.
I miss running with friends. I miss the gym. I miss all things right now. Knowing that it may be a while before being able to do “normal” things is a little disheartening at times, but this is the world we live in right now. We need to do what’s best, and that is physical distancing and staying at home. (Also, WASH YOUR HANDS.)
I often wonder how I will look back on this time when I’m older. Will I remember the the things I learned about myself? Will I remember the good things? We’ve had so much heartbreak here in Nova Scotia. I want to remember all the good that has happened. They ways we came together. How we supported one another.
I guess it’s a choice really, on how I remember these times.
The Midlife Reframe 