The Midlife Reframe

Category: yoga

  • Body Image & Mental Illness

    (This post is about MY experience/struggle with body image and depression/anxiety.)

    See this picture?

    I posted it last week on my Facebook page.

    I have a love hate relationship with this photo, because the thing I see first, is my back bulges from the racer back running bra I am wearing.

    At first, I didn’t see the strong, resilient woman running to bring awareness to mental illness. It took me a day to make peace with this photograph, and to see the strong, resilient woman in it.

    I am now 47 with peri menopause staring me down.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body is changing and I am trying to find the magic solution (haha) to keep myself healthy (I am totally eating a slice of pizza as I write this) and to continue to feel good about myself.

    This is hard with a brain that chemically wants you to be miserable.  Really hard. It’s a fight both physically and mentally.  I can handle dealing with one, but dealing with both at the same time can be extremely overwhelming.

    I’ve struggled with body image before.  This isn’t my first time on the roller coaster.

    I was a personal trainer for a short period of time.  I know what needs to be done to get myself in the “feeling good” zone again.

    I just can’t get into a corner of the ring to take a few minutes to strategize my fight.

    Do I need to be “Skinny?”

    NO.

    Do I need to be healthy?

    YES.

    This is what I have made my peace with: I no longer care about “skinny”.  I can’t.  My brain will latch onto that and I will be back to bending over in the mirror to see how many rolls I have, start planning out my “fasting” moments, and I end up being skinny and NOT HEALTHY.  I’ve been skinny and not healthy quite a few times.  I’ve also been skinny and mentally ill AND not healthy.

    I need to be happy in the body I currently occupy.

    So, running will continue to happen (because it’s a great outlet for me), and I am starting another yoga practice in October for my mind as well as my body.  If I can keep this up for the month, then I can make it a healthy habit.

    Now, FOOD.  I love food, and I do not deprive myself of it.  At all.  I am choosing healthier options, but if I am craving some pizza, I  have some pizza (see earlier paragraph – I am eating some pizza…right now).  Food is fuel, and I need healthy fuel for my body.  But I also realize that I can indulge and it’s not BAD.  I no longer punish myself for eating.  Food is not a punishment or a reward for me.

    I think there is too much focus on weight loss and being “skinny”.  I think we need to encourage each other to start working towards feeling healthy, energized, and happy.  We all occupy a body that was made just for us.  We need to celebrate that.  I need to celebrate that.

    It’s time to get back to the folks that encourage me to work towards a happy, healthy me, no matter what size that is.

    Step 1: Moving every day is now a priority for me, whether it’s a run, a walk, or some yoga.  Just getting out and moving.  Clearing my mind and getting the heart rate up.

    Step 2: I am working towards healthy.

    In this body.

    Because it’s amazing.

    (Step 3: Let’s hope my brain comes around and stops being a jerk, eh?)

  • Stress?? Anxiety?? Let’s Bounce a Leg, Shall We?

    We’ve already talked about my other anxiety induced problem of chewing the skin around my fingernails, so let’s talk about the bouncing leg.

    Today on my Podcast I talked about the things I do when I’m stressed and/or my anxiety is off the charts.

    Right up with the skin chewing, is leg bouncing.

    This isn’t so bad if I am alone at my kitchen table.

    (FYI: It’s usually my right leg.)

    At work it creates a problem for me because then my desk shakes (or at least it feels like it does). This isn’t a problem in the morning, because that is when I am usually standing. Can’t bounce my leg standing up!

    Once I sit down in the afternoon, lookout.

    It could last for 5 minutes, or it could last for 20 minutes.

    My body is full of so much nervous energy that there is nowhere for it to go. It gets diverted through chewing, or bouncing.

    Both of these things are happening even with my medication. It’s not as severe, but it’s still there.

    Today I also discovered that I will say “um” and “so” a lot when I think I am going off the beaten track and lack confidence in myself.

    So, I am crocheting to help with the chewing (and some new fake nails), and I have started doing yoga at home to help with keeping myself centred and balanced.

    Stay tuned for an update next week to see how everything is working out 😊

  • What I am Learning

    I started my yoga journey to slowly get my body back to some fluid movement after beating it up for many years with my running.

    I have been learning a lot, about my body and about myself.

    I am becoming more present (although on my not so good days this can still be a struggle) and facing a lot of my feelings head on.

    I am painfully aware of where I am holding all of my stress, and slowly learning how to release it (hello hips and shoulders, lol).

    I am glad I started yoga (again) and made it it a part of my daily routine.

    I will continue to be true to myself and to ride the wave that is my brain, being unapologetic about where I am.

    I’ve found my breath.

    I am finding my voice.

    Namaste bitches.

    @crazymamaruns

  • I Have Magic Socks

    These socks right here are magic socks.

    I wore them to bed one night last week.

    When I woke up the next morning, this is where they were. NO LONGER ON MY FEET!

    They were not on my bedroom floor.

    They were not in bed with me.

    They were on my body pillow, laid out exactly like this, beside me.

    Pretty sure that’s some witchcraft right there.

    (Not really, but what state of sleep brain was I in to take these off and place them EXACTLY LIKE THIS on my body pillow? Wiiiitchcraaaaaaaft.)

    In other news: I managed to do 7 classes of yoga since Saturday. I am winning self care this week!

    Go me!!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Swimming Against the Current

    I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?

    Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.

    It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.

    You think you are making headway.

    You look up.

    You’re in the same spot.

    You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.

    Same. Fucking. Spot.

    This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.

    (Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)

    I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.

    I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.

    I can’t control much of anything.

    But I can ‘keep swimming’.

    Even if it is upstream.

    @crazymamaruns

  • October: Time for a Reboot

    A BIG reboot.

    After my last race(s) during Maritime Race Weekend, I took a break.

    There I am!  2nd from the left during the Sunrise 5k 🙂
    I needed this break.  Needed to take a step back.
    There has been a lot going on in “the background”.  TeenThing finally has a job (yay!).  As I sit here writing this post, she is at her first shift (training).  I am just over a full month and a half on low dose hormone for perimenopausal joy. (This is something my doctor and I discussed when I was in to see her for my shingles.)  There was some residual fatigue from shingles as well.  Work has been busy (which is good, because my brain needs that for survival, hahahaha).
    Things are better since I have seen my doc, especially for the perimenopausal joy.  I am not as absent-minded or moody AF (Which, astonishingly, I knew wasn’t my mental illness.  This is a whole other beast.  A weird, WTF kind of beast.)  Can’t get rid of those hot flashes though, lol.  Took some time for me.  Got some new hair (actually this colour is extremely close to my “before gray” hair).

    Who IS that mama??
    I also needed to step back because I was losing my running mojo.  I had two great races but I wasn’t getting that “HELLZ YEAH” feeling on my runs.  I also wasn’t feeling GOOD.  I felt off.  I needed to find my mojo again.  My love of feeling the burn 😉

    I found it today.  Fighting a head cold, on the couch, I found it.

    I watched From Fat to Finish Line on Netflix.  Remembering the way I felt during my last two races:  the people, the atmosphere and the support of everyone who runs.  How much of an accepting family runners are.
    With this new month I am doing a reboot.  I need to really, because I run a 5km race later this month, lol.
    So, nice and easy goes the train.  I signed up for the “new” Bad Yogi 30 day challenge, will head back to the gym on a regular schedule, and start kicking those kms in the butt.  Also, I bought Run Fast Eat Slow to get my cooking mojo back!
    [For anyone who needs to have someone kick their butt to get their mojo back, check out Carey (A PT and Coach) with Running Moms.  She has great programs and is a fantastic motivator.  I was kicking ass before I got sick and hormonally screwed, lol. I am also pretty sure that was how I made it through my two races with great times!]
    What do you do when you lose your mojo?  Take a break?  Work harder?
    What works for you? 
     

  • Lessons Learned from a Less Than Ideal Race – Canada Day ‘EPIC Canadian’ Edition

    My 10km Epic Canadian Race on Canada Day was Hot and Humid!

    Post Race Me 🙂
    We went into the long weekend here on the East Coast of Canada (Nova Scotia) with some hot and humid weather.  This was my first summer race.  Ever.  My previous 10km races were a while ago.  A Bluenose 10km and a Valley Harvest 10km.  I was a sub 1 hour 10km girl then.  Three years ago for the last one, lol.
    Lesson #1:  Keep on hydrating the night before, even if you think you are adequately hydrated and keep an eye on the weather.
    I woke up a little late on Friday, had my usual coffee and oatmeal and got dressed.  The meal was a little later than I would have liked, but I needed food.
    Lesson #2:  Stick to your alarm and get up on time to make sure you eat long enough beforehand.  Also, drink more water.
    I met up with some friends after hanging around the post party area for awhile.  We chatted and then it was time to head up to the start line.  I was feeling the heat and my body was sore from increasing my weights at the gym.  We hopped in close to the front and soon we were off!
    Lesson #3:  No matter how excited and pumped you may feel.  STOP STARTING FAST!  For some reason, at at least one race, I forget this lesson and start out faster than I should.
    I ran with a RunAtCan Twitter bud and did 10 and 1s with her up until 4kms.  Then I was not feeling so great.  With the heat, the late breakfast, and going out fast, it was a recipe for nauseous stomach.

    Lesson #4:  Always have 3 “goal times”.  One for an ideal day.  One for an okay day.  One for a “Oh My God I May Not Make It Through This Day Alive” day. 

    At 4kms with my stomach wanting to empty its contents, I knew I was not going to pull out a good time.  It became an “Oh My God I May Not Make It Through This Day Alive”  goal time day.  I took water at every water stop after that.  Some for me, some over my neck.  I had electrolytes in my water belt (Nuun).
    Lesson #5:  All races teach us a lesson.  Good and bad.  Embrace the run and if you can, finish strong.
    I got a little of my mojo back in Shubie Park and felt okay.  Hit the turnaround (with some tunes being played on the race route) and started back downhill.
    Cruising along and hit 7kms.
    Bottom of the hill.
    PAIN IN MY CALF.  Similar to the pain during my training run for the Bluenose Half.    I was pretty close to crying.  For real.
    I stopped for a minute.  Walked.  Ran a bit.  Walked.  Ran a bit.
    Chugged along in the gross hot and humid conditions.  Water and Nuun when I needed it.
    I sucked it up after my freezie fix about 500m (give or take) out from the finish and ran to the Finish Line.
    My chip time was 1:08.  Two minutes less than my last goal time.  And really, not a bad finish at all considering the conditions.  But I will admit, in that moment, I was so upset that I did not finish in under an hour.
    Final Lesson:  STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.  (For me:  Remember that your surgeon told you to run and enjoy it.  You are NOT going to pull out a fast pace like you used to do with the OCD in the knee.)  Run because you love to run.
    So,  I am back to my physio exercises for my calf.  Will continue to do my gym workouts.   Back to yoga classes at the gym (I need a teacher to guide my form).  Keep my weight training going and ease up on myself.  Do some nice easy runs once the calf is happy and enjoy the ride until the next race in September 🙂
    What lessons have you taken away from your bad race??
     

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – Week 4

    So Far, So Good….

    Week 4.  23 kms.
    I had some great runs this week.  It is also my last week with Mondays off.
    Saturday was a wash running wise.  It was a day of running errands and yoga.  I don’t beat myself up for days like those.  Especially this Saturday, because I FINALLY got fitted properly for sneakers.  Have to wait for them, but WOOHOOO!  Luke and his staff at Aerobics First are WONDERFUL.
    I keep reminding myself I am not an elite runner.
    I am a runner that has recovered from knee surgery, ran a 5k in the fall and said – Half Marathon!  FTW!
    I stick to my training plan as much as humanly possible, knowing the limits of my body.  Knowing when I need to back off and knowing when I can push it just that little bit over my threshold.

    Sunday was 5 miles with The Goonies!
    Tuesday saw me pull out 3 miles at lunch.

     

    I was able to get outside on Thursday at lunch – had a great run!

    Friday was COLD.  My phone stayed INSIDE for the 3 miles, lol.  These are my feet pre-run 😉

    I have to admit, I am finding it harder these days to get motivated.  This time of year can be hard.
    Depression and anxiety are like little “me” voices in my head.  One telling me “No big deal, you can run another time.  You’re not THAT great of a runner.  Won’t make a difference really.” and the other immediately contradicting that saying “If you DON’T run, you’ll stop and NEVER run again! You’ll fail and everyone will be disappointed.”
    This is partially why I try to run as much as I can outside.  I need the air, to see myself moving forward.  Hibernating in the winter is my first instinct.  Cover myself up and make the cocoon.
    So, even though I may NOT make the miles I need to on the days I run, I take the victory on the days I do.  I also take victories on the days I don’t make it to my training miles.  Why?  Because, I need to be proud of getting out there and DOING IT.
    I’ve said it before in a few posts:  Mental illness hurts.  It can shut your body down.  The more I move, the more I get outside and connect with the environment, the better off I am in the long run.
    I AM running for me after all.
    No one else.
    For MY voice to be heard.
    For MY health.
    For MY sanity.

    @crazymamaruns

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – Week 3

    Some Knotty Glutes!

    That’s right.  My ass was in knots.

    So much so that my lower back hurt.  Quite a bit actually.

    I didn’t run on Saturday.  I did yoga, stretching and some foam rolling.

    TEARS.

    Heat.

    Advil.

    But I Did Have a Good Week!

    Sunday was snowy but I felt AWESOME!

    We’ve had some strange weather.  Snow and then some okay days.

    Tuesday was CRAZY windy! Nice and sunny, but Wooooo!

    Once we hit Thursday, it rained…..and rained until Friday night.  So I opted for the treadmill at lunch.

    Thursday was a 5km run at the gym at work.
    3 miles on Friday….I had a great meal at The Keg later 🙂

    There was a staff event put on by my place of employment.  We have it every year……KEG NIGHT.  We eat and eat.  I had a great meal!  Yay steak!  After I got home the rain had started to change over to freezing rain.  Big mess.

    And Then……Saturday

    When I say I had a knots in my glute, I mean I had KNOTS.

    Nasty.  Foam roller and I had it out.

    Now, if this was me a few years ago, I would have been like….MUST RUN….AT ALL COSTS.

    Now that I am older and wiser.  I knew I had to take care of the situation to be able to keep running without any further issues.

    I am building my base right now, which means a day taking care of my body is not compromising my training.

    So, I was pretty close to running a half this week with total mileage.  I am totally good with that!

    New kicks are in order this week, which means a trip to Luke at Aerobics First 🙂

    C’mon back next weekend, not only to check out my new sneaks, but to see if we really DID get the kickass storm they are talking about Monday night into Tuesday!

    @crazymamaruns

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – Week 2

    Still Alive!!

    Sore, and questioning everything, but STILL ALIVE.  lol

    Time to invest in trail shoes…
    I took one day off this week to get some stuff done to make sure I stay healthy on this journey to my first Half in FOREVER.  This ended up in my favour, as it was the day we had our rain to snow dump.
    This week had it’s challenges, as I truly thought I could keep my own pace without using the Garmin to keep me on track.
    WRONG.
    I was all over the place dammit.  Breathing heavy and plodding along like I had to race home because it was on fire.
    But I got my runs done, and learned to reset.

    Day 1 of Week 2

    I. WAS. FREEZING.
    I also learned where to start my runs so that I ended up close to home.  When you cool down, you COOL DOWN, lol.  (Hot baths/showers and hot chocolate after these runs were ESSENTIAL!)
    12.1 miles for this week.  A little off from the plan, but I am good with that.  This week is a steady 4 miles each day (today was 3 miles running with a 1 mile cool down to get used to the virtual pacer) Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
    I turned on the virtual pacer because I was going too fast for my “easy runs” – which right now is EVERY run.  I need to remember I am building mileage and endurance.  The pacer made a big difference today and I was able to tackle hills appropriately without having to walk most of the way.  Yay me!

    Day 2 was my shortest distance – so a run at lunch 🙂
    Third Run – Almost smooshed by a car….GAH.

    Fourth Run – Ran with Clayton Park Runners – Snowy as all get out!

    My Saturday run was done with a new group – Clayton Park Runners.  Small, but mighty 🙂  Since we were running on snowy (some not ploughed) sidewalks and trails we paced accordingly.
    Running this winter has made me really appreciate the sport that much more.  I am feeling it in muscles I have never felt it in before, lol.  Also, running UP snowy inclines…woooooo.  Doing yoga is making SUCH a difference as an add on to my training!
    (I am seriously investing in some trail shoes and warmer layers in the next while.  Increasing mileage will require an upgrade, lol.)
    So, I have to say I am more confident going into this week.
    C’mon back next weekend!  I can’t wait to share my progress with you 🙂

    @crazymamaruns