The Midlife Reframe

Category: Worth Living

  • We’re Back at Square One

    Yesterday was the start of a new month.  We spent some time at the beach and soaked up some more summer (because summer isn’t over until later in September – fight me).

    On our way home, my Buggie was super cranky.  She was fine at the beach.

    A switch had gone off in her, and she was not having any of it.  She didn’t even want the after beach ice cream.

    In retrospect, I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t.  Or, maybe I didn’t want to see it coming.  Denial is a drug all on it’s own.

    We got home, and eventually I was able to get out of her what she has been holding in.

    It wasn’t easy, she’s like her mom.  She locks that shit up in her vault until the lock is trembling from the pressure.

    Short story:  the vault exploded.  The booster for her antidepressants isn’t working for her anymore.

    So, another trip to the doc is in order.  This could mean a whole new prescription, a whole new set of medication.

    She’s scared, and frustrated.  I am disappointed that the meds didn’t work for her.  We are both wondering what new meds will mean (or even if she will get new meds, or new booster, or both).  Will she tumble down a bit, or will she stay in stasis until the possible new combo gives her what she needs?

    It’s kind of scary, but she knows I am here for her.

    Possibly starting over sucks, but if it needs to be done, it needs to be done.  Living in a misery bubble is no good.

    Keep your fingers crossed for us!

     

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.