The Midlife Reframe

Category: Uncategorized

  • Conference Time: Atlanta

    I was in Atlanta this past week for a work conference.

    We were located in Buckhead, and right next door to a mall. Could have been dangerous, but my wallet was safe, lol.

    A definite shift in culture from Halifax, Nova Scotia. The Mall had not only Mall Security, but there were also Sheriffs manning the scan area going in and out of the food court for guns, and Atlanta Police.

    After wandering around the area with my colleague on Tuesday, we went to register on Wednesday morning and were told we shouldn’t have been wandering around, looking like tourists. There was random violence and we had to be careful. Naive Canadians!

    Our Wednesday started out with breakfast at Corner Bakery, where we ordered a fantastic breakfast, and were greeted by the most wonderful staff. We were hugged and made to feel like we belonged there. Southern hospitality at its finest.

    I was happy to reconnect with colleagues from North America and brainstorm ideas. It was a great time with great food and I made some good memories.

    Fox Bros BBQ
    Ranger Station Speak Easy
    Couldn’t leave without a Starbucks Mug!

    Next year the conference is in Aurora, Colorado. Hoping I can attend, it would be amazing!!

    Back to the grind this week.

    Looking forward to applying what I’ve learned.

    Until next time….

  • Our Nala

    We had to put our sweet old girl Nala to sleep about 5 days ago.

    You forget how old they get. She was 18.

    She came to us from Cape Breton. A friend of mine brought her down to “the big city” to become a kitty of leisure.

    I remember going out with my then young daughter and choosing toys, a kitty blanket, food dishes and food. She was so excited for her first cat.

    Nala endured quite a bit those first few years. Being dressed up in doll clothes and paraded around. She took it all in stride.

    She was so ingrained into our lives that I never thought about what would happen when she got older. She was going to live forever.

    We got her a sister, Jax, when she was 8 years old. She welcomed the little feral kitten and they enjoyed each other’s company.

    Over the last year and a half we noticed the arthritis setting into her two front paws, and her inclination to sleep more than play. Bet visit ls were a little more frequent.

    When we added Eggs Benedict to the mix a little over a year ago, she wasn’t really up for a new addition, but she tolerated him nonetheless.

    Her rapid decline started a few weeks ago, and it was getting harder to watch her struggle with her litter box. She started vomiting up anything she ate.

    I made a call to our vet, explaining all of what was happening and made an appointment for her.

    The day before that appointment I woke up to her hiding, and not begging for food. Something felt off. I went into work, thinking that I would split my day and work at home in the afternoon.

    The text came in at 11:30 from my daughter: “I think you need to come home now”. Nala had soiled herself in her chair, and wouldn’t let my daughter clean her.

    I made it home, and called our vet, they had just gotten in an emergency and were not able to see us. I had to call the Emergency Vet.

    Needless to say, we had to make the hard decision after seeing the Emergency Vet.

    It’s not easy saying goodbye to a pet after all that time. The day is a now a blur in my brain.

    It’s been hard not hearing her meow from her perch when we walk through the door, or see her in her favourite chair.

    Day by day it gets a little bit easier, and we are glad that Jax is not alone, even though Eggs Benedict is a little bit of a hellion.

    We will miss her always.

  • Facing Myself…Head On

    There has been a lot going lately.

    I can’t share all of it, but I will share this:

    I drove out to the ocean on Saturday to think. I do some of my best thinking by the water.

    It was cold, but beautiful.

    The waves.

    The spotty sunshine.

    I was taking time to SEE what was around me.

    A Canada Goose greeted me on my arrival, and was quite chatty before he/she flew off. (As a side note, I saw another at a bend in the road on my way home. This may have meaning, but not sure.)

    I realized, once I found my favourite spot to sit, that I am keeping myself bogged down by so many things/feelings/expectations.

    By keeping myself bogged down I am not moving forward.

    Bit by bit, I am unloading myself of burdens that are no longer mine. I cannot steep in bitterness, nor can I keep blaming myself for things that are out of my control.

    I made mental notes of things I wanted to do, and am taking time to write them down. I may just keep a journal (non specific) so I can refer back to these things at a later date.

    Taking strict expectations off of myself. I am embracing all of me – faults and all.

    I am shedding my skin.

    Be kind world.

    Be kind.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Starting Over…Again

    So, if you’ve been following along lately, you have been witness to my roller coaster, love/hate relationship with my fitness.

    Having multiple injuries and running through them made my body go full stop.

    Reality Check: I needed to stop.

    I needed to reassess my body.

    I needed a break.

    Running through my injuries hell bent on finishing up a season took its toll on me not only physically, but mentally as well.

    Not taking time to seriously work on the muscle weakness in my body just made it harder.

    What I loved doing became something I was beginning to despise. I was associating it with pain.

    It was becoming mentally exhausting to get myself motivated to run. To move. So different from the feelings I associated with my running. There was no more joy.

    After taking a little break from everything, I took some time this weekend to think about what this year would look like for me.

    It’s still a little up in the air right now, but I took the first step today. One minute plank.

    Tomorrow will be step 2. I will decide whatever step that is when I wake up, lol.

    Baby steps.

    Baby.

    Steps.

    @crazymamaruns

  • And Then There Were Two

    They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    My apple, she fell and bounced into a tree similar to her momma.

    My smart and funny TeenThing was diagnosed with depression and anxiety this week.

    This journey started a while back, and we had to go through a process of elimination (two rounds of birth control pills over the past couple of years) to be able to say that it wasn’t hormone related.

    Like her mother, she is very good at hiding some of her symptoms.  In preparation for the appointment with our family physician I had her write down everything, as she would have to share it so we could get a proper diagnosis.

    I told her that she didn’t HAVE to tell me everything before we went, but she did have to tell the doctor.  She was articulate, clear, and brave.

    It’s been hard to keep myself from saying “you should do x, or y”.  To remind myself that mental illness is a very individual beast.

    I’ve compartmentalized alot.  My focus now is on being there for her as we navigate her trial of medication and set her up with all the tools she will need to keep to a normal schedule so that she doesn’t hibernate.

    I am proud of her for asking for help.  Proud of how strong and brave she is.

    So, for now, we’ll take it day by day.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Dear Young Mom on Your Phone

    Time flies…

    I’ve been on the bus with you for 20 minutes now.

    I know having a small child is not easy, especially on a bus ride longer than 5 minutes.  I know after a long day of work, you just want two minutes to breathe.  So, giving them something to eat and putting your earphones in to watch a video may seem like ” a break”.

    While you have your earphones in and your little one is devouring that chocolate bar, they are watching you.

    This is the time you will miss.  The time when you reflect on this moment, you’ll think of it as “how I survived the bus ride home”.  As time rolls on, and your little person gets older, it will come back as “why didn’t I pay more attention to them when they were little”.

    When you are on your phone, they scream because they want your attention.  They crave your conversation.  They crave your time.  They have questions, and to them, you hold all the answers.  They are learning by watching everything around them and asking you “why?” all the time.

    Please mom, I know it’s hard.  I especially know if you are a single mom, and your time to decompress is limited.  There were days I struggled to keep myself composed on the bus ride home.

    One thing I know now that my daughter is 18:  time flies.

    The time will come when you will wish for these days when all they wanted was your undivided attention.   They will reach an age where they won’t want to spend that much time with you, when they assert their independence, and are becoming their own person.  These years are important ones.

    Please mom, take out the earphones.

    I know the bus ride is long, but you’ll blink, and time will have flown.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Home Stretch – Half Marathon Training

    My “GO AWAY SNOW” face 🙂

    So here we are.

    6ish weeks out from the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon Weekend.

    Luckily, most of the snow in that photo from last Sunday’s long run is gone now.

    It sure was pretty though.

    Things have been chaotic lately.  Trying to get in each run means that most times I am writing my kms down in my journal and not tracking electronically.  No big.  My Garmin has been on for the long runs.  It will get fully charged tomorrow and will be used for each run from this point on.

    Cross training is ramping up.  Big push is on.  I am back to using Honey Stingers as fuel in addition to my Nuun.  As much as I love the Clif Bar last year, it was too clunky, and I am trying to streamline this year.

    This will be my last half at the Bluenose.  So whether I PB or not, I won’t be running this distance in 2018 at home.

    I have two more scheduled races this year.   I may add more smaller distances after my summer trip overseas for two weeks.   My next long distance is a 15km trail race during Maritime Race Weekend 🙂  This is a new distance and I am super excited to run in its inaugural year !

    My calves?

    They are behaving.

    So far 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • My Life as a Single Mom: The Mom Brain

    A Mom and her TeenThing

    I can probably get a shirt that says “Permanent Mom Brain”.

    Working, raising a child, avoiding the rabbit hole of depression, and trying to fit in my running/fitness takes up most of my time.  The blog has suffered a little bit lately because of this juggling act.

    I have had many ideas for posts.  I have sat down to write a draft so I could have it saved and get back to it.  DISTRACTION.  No writing.

    Let’s be real, this applies to my life in general.  I have, over the years, gone from one room to the other with full intention of “doing the thing”.  Insert phone call, child, other random thought, on my way to the other room.  I’ve lost the whole “doing the thing”.

    Why was I walking into this room?

    What was so important that I had to come here?

    What’s my name?

    WHO AM I ANYWAY?

    You’d think keeping physically active would magically sort everything out.

    NO.

    I can think I have my shit sorted out on a run.  All of life’s problems are solved (hahahaha) during this time by myself.

    I’ll get home and forget about 80% of my solutions.

    (This is so much worse on my “bad days”.  On those days, I am just happy I remember to put on pants.)

    Then people say “put it in your phone”.

    I’ve tried, but the red circles distract me and I automatically check out my notifications.

    GOLDFISH.

    I’m pretty sure it has gotten worse over the past few years (thank you hormones).

    I even went and bought paper agendas.  I have an agenda for regular life, and one for my running life.

    I was like:  “Hell Yeah!  Look out world I am coming for you!!  Take that Mom Brain!”

    But let’s be honest, I still can’t remember to write half of my shit down.

    So, I’ll just continue to wander through my life, content in knowing that at some point, I’ll know why I went into the other room AND what I am going to do there.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • When Overthinking Seeps Into The Run

    Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

    So for those of you who have been keeping up with me on social media know, I have been plagued with cranky calves.  If you aren’t following me on social media:  I am plagued with crank calves, lol.

    Ever since my knee surgery in 2015, I have been pushing with my calves to run.  I am pretty sure this is because I was afraid that I would break off more dead pieces of femur, would be back in the same spot, and require more surgery.

    I have been at physio getting myself looked after (yay dry needling!) and working on strength training to get my quads, hammies and glutes to activate.  I am also working on my balance and core work.

    Bosu!!

    My last long run was good.  Things are activating.  My butt and upper legs are SORE (not the bad sore, but the “heyyyyy, we are working here” kind of sore that I haven’t felt in a while) and I was happy with what I could pull off after not really pounding out the kms the week prior.

    My problem now:  I am overthinking how I am running.

    Seriously overthinking.

    I ran 4kms in the evening after my lunchtime physio and all I could do was think “Are my glutes activating?”  “My calves are sore, but I had dry needling, so is it that or did I screw them up again?” “Keep using the upper legs.”  “You probably look weird” “You should be in the Fitness Centre doing leg work” “WHY CAN’T I JUST RUN LIKE I USED TO!?”.

    Needless to say, I got the run done, but it was noisy.

    Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain.

    My goal is to do the remaining runs this week and not think about it.  Try to enjoy the run, and remember why I love it:  the endorphins, the sweat, the joy.

    It’s a big request for my brain.  Hoping it can step up to the challenge.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Running and the Seesaw of Depression

    See this girl here?  This is a happy runner.

    Sun, snow, and a happy 5k.
    Sun, snow, and a happy 5k.

    I am not always like this when I run.  Some of my solo runs are hard sloggy messes.  This is where running becomes more than a physical game.  Mentally a hard run is rough for any runner.  For me a hard run feels like complete failure and no matter what I tell myself, I agree with the voice that is whispering in my ear.   Lanni Marchant herself could sit beside me and say “It’s just one run”.  I still hear the voice.  The one that says “Why bother, you suck”.

    If I don’t get enough sleep, any run can turn into a soul sucking event.  This is why I love my sleep.  It is one of the most important parts of my half marathon training.  It is a big help mentally as well.

    I cherish my good runs.  A LOT.  These make my sloggy messes melt away and I am charged for my next run.  If I am having a good stretch of happies then I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and live to run another day.  🙂

    But if my next run is not so good, and I am not at my best, the seesaw stops being a regular flow and I crash to the ground.

    The equation varies, which creates so many possible outcomes.   I struggle with this every time I train.

    Sunshine can make a bad run not so bad.
    Sunshine can make a bad run not so bad when I am feeling okay.

    When I have a couple of sloggy messes that I need to remember that: #1 I am a human being, #2 I am not getting paid to do this, #3 That means it is not the end of my running, #4 Everyone has bad runs, even elite athletes, and #5 I am lucky to be able to lace up and do something I love.

    Running doesn’t always lift me to where I want to be, but it is something that I love to do.  Giving out big sweaty hugs post run can be quite enjoyable 😉

    Running bonus:  Long run celebratory treats 🙂

    My fav: Coffee and Chocolate Croissant!
    My fav: Coffee and Chocolate Croissant!

    Keep fighting for happy my friends, even on your darker days.

    @crazymamaruns