The Midlife Reframe

Category: teenager

  • Mentally Ill Mother: Mentally Ill Daughter (Or: Stop Telling Me Your Tools Are Better Than Mine)

    You would think that with all of the talk around mental health and the options for treatment, that people would be a little more understanding when it comes to folks choosing the best option for them. From what I have been reading lately, this is not the case.

    So, once again, I am telling the condensed story of why I will choose medication when needed (now with TeenThing’s condensed story included).

    Let’s begin:

    Almost 7 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I was in such a state I could not function as a regular human.

    (Before all of you “physical activity is the best antidepressant” people even start: I was working as a personal trainer when I was diagnosed. I worked out almost every day. I WAS DYING INSIDE.)

    My whole body hurt. Going outside caused me EXTREME anxiety. I would physically shake when I drove. I probably shouldn’t have been driving (oh well, too late to correct that now). I cried at the drop of a hat.

    I was put on medication when my doctor diagnosed me. Between the medication and my weekly/bi-weekly visits with her, I slowly began to come around.

    Eventually, I was able to go off of medication, for a while. I also went back on medication a couple of years later. I am currently not medicated, and that could change.

    Lesson: I do not wish to feel like I cannot function as a human, so when it is required, and all other options are not working, I will choose medication.

    Recently:

    In November of 2017, my daughter was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I posted about her diagnosis and how I was chastised about “putting her on meds”.

    My daughter is a relatively grown human. It was HER decision to go on medication.

    Watching her go through the trial and error process to weed out what was going on was awful.

    She would go to work, and then call to come home. She would be crying. She couldn’t be around people. She became nauseous at the thought of dealing with the public. Our trip to Scotland had it’s moments of ick.

    It was not fun.

    The toolset she was given during the first visit to the doctor was not working.

    When she went back to see the doctor, I was there. I sat, let her talk, and together they discussed options. My daughter made the decision to try medication.

    Today she is doing well. There are still off days, but she is working and functioning.

    Lesson: Her decision, made by her, was the right thing, FOR HER.

    There are people who can manage their illness without being medicated. I am not putting these people down, at all.

    What I am saying is this: We all have tools in our toolkit. Some work better than others. Some things work better for me, some work better for you.

    So please, stop telling me I am using the wrong tool, when it’s my toolbox.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Amy’s Anxiety and The Tub

    (Oh how I wish this post was about ice cream…..)

    May 9, 2018:

    So,

    Here I am awake at 11:27pm.

    You’re like…uhhhhh, and?

    Well, I am usually in extreme super sleep right now, because sleep and I are tight.  We have a very good relationship.  Amy + Sleep = BFFs.

    But NOT TONIGHT.

    (Backstory:  We have had some issues since the “new people” moved in next door a while back.  Tub filling up when we shower, or slow draining, etc.  Superintendent has been in, put magic potion in the drains. Drains get back to happy. Yay!  As a backup, I also have been trying to keep happy drains by continuing to use our hair catchers – because two girls and hair – and the occasional magic potion when the slow drain reappeared.)

    8:30pm:  Person I birthed has shower.  Advises tub filled to ankles.  Mother is exhausted so waits until she goes to brush teeth to check tub.

    9:30:  Tub still full of water.  Mother aggravated.

    Mother is so goddamn exhausted and thinks “I cannot do this right now”, and tries to sleep. She can’t. Because anger and anxiety.

    So, Mother searches for any other solution as it is getting late and doesn’t want to bug Superintendent. Nothing works.

    So – mentally ill Mother gets mentally ill Daughter and we begin scooping water out of tub and putting it down bathroom sink.  Notice water coming into tub.  Girl child goes: uh, is that grass?  Is that a leaf?  (I kid you not).

    I am ANGRY.  What in the actual fuck are you doing over there you idiots that live next door?

    Writes note to Superintendent. Puts in special slot beside Superintendent’s door.

    Starts planning curse to put on next door neighbours.

    Brain is in overdrive.

    May never sleep again.

    (Well, okay, I probably will sleep, but it will be horrible sleep and I’ll be cranky because my tub will probably still have water/crud in it tomorrow morning – rawr!!!)

    Okay, now it’s 11:44.  I decide I better try and sleep before tomorrow.

    Does get to sleep.

    May 10, 2018:

    Wakes up at usual time.

    THE TUB STILL HAS STANDING WATER.

    I would put a pic in, but gag.

    So, I baby wipe bathe and get ready for work.

    I am a rage ball today and am now constructing a text to my Superintendent.

    I apologize in advance for all of my feelings today that may come forth as anger towards those I adore.

    Ummmmm, Happy Thursday?!?!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Scotland Adventure Part 3 (#2): When TeenThing Got Sick

    TeenThing was a trooper. Even with the head cold.

    Usually it’s me.  I either get the head cold at the end of a trip, or right when I get back (Spoiler:  I got sick too, lol).

    It was TeenThing’s turn this time.  The first day she really started feeling it was a gorgeous sunny day.  I really didn’t want to stay inside all day, so after popping down to the pharmacy and gathering an arsenal of cold meds, I hoofed it back to the house and suggested a walk along the Water of Leith Walkway.

    Once she was sufficiently medicated and fed, we began our journey.  It was a 10 minute walk to the spot where we could hop on, so enough time for us to see if TeenThing was really up for the trek.

    She was 🙂

    What a hidden gem!  This is a definite must do if you ever get to Edinburgh.  We walked to Dean Village and back, took us about 2 hours.

    Murrayfield Stadium. No games while we were there, booo.

    Here we go!
    “Mom, take a picture of me!”

    Dean Village

    There she goes.
    Another serious “trip selfie”.

    So pretty

    Could have walked for hours. So beautiful.

    We could have walked further, but we didn’t pack snacks (oooops).

    The next day was cloudy and cool.  TeenThing was feeling a little rough, but she agreed to a trip into town to check out the National Gallery.

    Rooms and rooms of art.  So many serious people in there sitting and staring at all of the paintings and sculptures.

    We wandered and took in all of the art.  Some of the paintings were HUGE.  It was difficult getting photos.

    The Campbell Sisters

    So serious in here….
    Man with Jawbone (this is the title, seriously)
    Cain and Abel

    Creepy Chair
    Creepy Monk Statues
    More subtle “trip selfie”, lol.

    I was glad I didn’t have our time in Scotland fully planned, as it was good to have some downtime for TeenThing to get better.  It was nice to have a couple of low key days.

    After we had spent our time exploring the Gallery, we took the tram back to the house where we chilled for the rest of the day.

    By the time our next adventure rolled around, TeenThing was feeling better 🙂

    Coming up:  Western Highlands!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Scotland Adventure Part 2: Edinburgh Castle, Grassmarket, Harry Potter, and Greyfriars Bobby

    Entrance to Edinburgh Castle

    Our next couple of trips into town took us to quite a few spots.

    First stop:  Edinburgh Castle

    I think I took a million pictures here.  This castle could have it’s own blog post!  Things we could not take pictures of:  The Crown Jewels and the Stone of Destiny.  I did take photos of some of the areas leading up to the room.  We had to go up a winding staircase to get up to the Honours of Scotland.  Thankfully not ALL the way up, lol.

    There is so much to see at the Castle.  You need at least 2 hours here, if not more, to really see everything.  Also, going between 10-2 means a BUCKET LOAD of people, so if you want to feel like you need a little more space, head in a little later.

    There is even a dog cemetery.

    There is a prison exhibit, war/regimental museums and St Margaret’s Chapel, which was built in 1130.  The views from the Castle are well worth some extra time to take in.

    Grassmarket, Harry Potter and Greyfriars Bobby

    Some neat little pubs along this stretch
    Grassmarket. This area has a Saturday Market filled with vendors.
    Parts of Grassmarket (and The Royal Mile) are pedestrian only.

    We ventured down to Grassmarket through some little side streets and walked around for a bit.  This area is full of food and stories.

    We ate at The Last Drop.  A fitting name for a pub sitting across from where public hangings used to take place 😉  There was good food here (TeenThing had mac and cheese and I had haggis sausages and mash), a great drink selection,  and the staff were very nice.

    Now, Harry Potter.

    Potter fans know that JK Rowling started writing Harry Potter in Edinburgh.  Once you are here and travel along the streets, you see the magic around you.  The history, the architecture, and the atmosphere is definitely inspiring.  There are a couple of streets that claim to be the inspiration for Diagon Alley.  With so many small winding side streets, it would be easy to get inspiration from any of them!

    You can see the inspiration for Harry Potter everywhere.
    Supply List
    Victoria Street lays the claim to Diagon Alley 😉

    A little HaHa to break up the day 🙂

    The Elephant House Cafe is an extremely busy spot, as you can well imagine (JK Rowling wrote two books at this location), and is very close to Greyfriars Kirkyard.  The Kirkyard is where the grave for Tom Riddle is located, and behind the Kirkyard is George Heriot’s School, the inspiration for Hogwarts.

    This Cafe is always packed. You can sign your name on the bathroom wall here, along with a bazillion other Harry fans.
    Tom Riddle’s Grave
    There is NO grass left here, lol.  Also, the Kirkyard staff will lead you down to this area if need be.

    Greyfriars Bobby

    This was one of my favourite stories of Edinburgh.  Bobby was a partner for his human John Gray, who was a night watchman for the Edinburgh Police but died of tuberculosis.  Bobby was a constant visitor to his master’s grave.   He has his own stone in the Greyfriars Kirkyard where visitors leave him sticks.

    And yes, we did rub his nose for luck 😉

    Using our own two feet to explore the city was amazing, and I am glad we did because you really get to see all of the small nooks and crannies of the city.

    Side Note:  We had great experiences on all of our walking tours.  You’ll get to see some of the sights on one of the tours in a later post 🙂

    Next week:  Outlander!

    (p.s. If you are not a fan of the show, feel free to just come back for the pictures, the set locations we got to visit were amazing!)

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Strength Training, Sole Sisters Race, and Life in General

    And so it begins…

    My strength training has started back up.  My body is like…WHOA, what are this?
    I may have lifted a little too much this week, so I am going to have to rethink my upper body weights a little, lol.  Lower body weights are just right, and my legs feel good.  Getting some cardio in on the elliptical and rowing machine and working my core as well.

    Lunchtime workouts -> Stress relievers!!
    Having a gym in the office building is great!  It gets me away from my desk at lunch 😉

    And this weekend, we volunteered!

     

    This weekend was Sole Sisters Race.   This is a race I have yet to run, but after TeenThing and I volunteered yesterday, she is all up for running it with her mom next year! 
    It was a very wet, rainy and chilly day, but 3200 women came out to walk and/or run with their moms, sisters, daughters and friends for what was a sea of purple tutu awesomeness.
    Best part – the rain stopped before the race! 

    (Note: we had a bus debacle and got soaked walking to the event, lol)

    This tshirt is soooooo soft!

    Look at all these tutus!

    Thankfully the rain stopped!

    And the start line filled up FAST!

    Teen Thing and I working bag check!
    It was a great day and great turnout!  I also ran into one of my @RunAtCan peeps and took a group photo for her!  But…..we forgot to take a pic with each other, lol.
    They have added new distances for 2016.  If you are looking for a fun race to do with the ladies – check it out!!

    What else is shakin’?

    Well, I made it through the step down off my meds.  It was touch and go there for a while.  Some crappy stuff happened and I was able to deal with my newfound coping skills, so, all good!
    ** Not saying this is a “Woohoo my life will be med free” journey, because I am a realist, but for now I am okay.
    TeenThing has shown some interest in running, so since I am basically going to be starting over she is going to tag along 🙂  This is good, because it will keep me on a plan and not go bonkers when I lace up.
    So for now, that is what’s going down around here.

    My FitBit?

    I’m wearing it.  Not accepting any challenges.  Just seeing where it takes me.

    So tune in next week….I’ll be keeping you in the loop about all things #crazymamaruns!
     

  • Being a Mom with Mental Illness – The Short Story

    I know I’ve written about my mental llness before….

    But I haven’t really written how it’s changed me as a Mom.

    That’s important, because I am raising a teenage human.

    Here we are – you can barely see us, lol

    Since it is just V and I, she is on the front lines with me.  She endures my good days and my bad.  She is there when I break down and can’t stop crying.

    I hate that she has to see me that way.

    I hate that she feels that she has to take care of me when I do melt down.

    I hate that she sometimes doesn’t know what to do.

    Mini Background Moment:

    When I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, I was put off of work.  I told V at the time that Mommy was very very tired and that her doctor told her she needed lots of rest (which was partially true, depression sucks everything out of you).

    Once the summer was over and I was able to function on a daily basis, I told her about my mental illness while at my parents for supper.

    She had a lot of questions.  But I must have done something right in the years before, because she took it like a champ.  She still comes to me with questions, and we talk about things openly.

    How does this work now???

    Well, I think that having Clinical Depression and anxiety has made me more aware.

    I look after myself a little better than I did before (besides my klutzy accidents!).

    But on the same hand, there are times I feel like I have a parenting defect.  

    One of the symptoms of depression is being tired.  Not just regular tired, but tired to the point of even moving is a herculean task.

    There are nights that I shut down, when I should be talking with her, being more engaged, but I just can’t.  And I feel awful for it.

    There are also feeling of extreme irritation.  Angry outbursts.  I’m like a landmine some days.

    With surgery looming before me, my depression and anxiety seem to be ramping up.

    I catch myself getting snappy.  Being short.  Going back on some of my decisions.  Just not wanting to move (hence #ProjectAmy and #FightForHappy – blog update on Sunday!)

    It’s a daily struggle lately.

    My to do list most days will look like this:

    Even though I look like this:

    Because depression doesn’t look sad.

    We hide it very well.

    But I do my best.  

    Because as a parent, that’s all we can do.  

    I use my support system when I can.

    And some days, V is my support system.

    We are a team.

    The more team members you have, the better your days get.

    So go…..gather up your team.

    You’re worth it.

    #crazymamaruns

     

     

     

  • Dr. Bill Stanish, The Knee and OMG My Teenager is Graduating from Grade 9!!!

    Today was the day!!

    I arrived at Dr. Stanish’s Office at almost 8:10 (traffic/construction/etc held me up) for my 8:15 appointment.  I registered and sat in the waiting room for my name to be called.

    A guy two seats over was slurping his hot beverage….and I mean slurping.  I gave him the “REALLY?!??!?!” look.  It was like nails on a chalkboard, lol.

    I didn’t wait long, it was like 10 minutes and then I heard my name….YAY!

    Went into a little curtained room and waited.

    Dr. Stanish arrived shortly after and we went through how I injured myself and my whole physio treatment.  We also discussed the lovely click and snap of me knee.  Joy.  He was impressed with my quad strength, as that usually dies with a meniscus tear.  I told him I have been rockin it with my exercises!

    He is setting me up to have an urgent MRI (which means I am on the cancellation list here in Halifax, NS), so I am hoping sooner rather than later.  I told him that not running is KILLING me.  He told me not to worry, he’s going to get me fixed up.  Once we have the MRI we can get the ball rolling 🙂 Happy happy happy!!

    I was in and out in 20 minutes.  He is a wonderful Specialist and super easy to talk to.

    That being said, my knee hurts like hell today.  It’s getting grumpy more often than not….jerk…lol.

    OFF TOPIC – MOMMY POST 😉

    Tomorrow is my daughter’s Grade 9 Graduation…..holy crap!  How did this little person get to be 15 and getting ready for HIGH SCHOOL!

    We’ve had our moments most recently, but I love her to pieces and hope to help her through the next 3 years….instilling that these years ARE important, that you can have fun and buckle down, and to enjoy them as much as possible.

    She is thinking about trying out for the Rugby Team, so we’ll be getting her body in tune over the summer.  Good thing Mom was a personal trainer for a short while….it will come in handy!!

    So, stay tuned for more knee fun…and I am hoping to get more cycling in, so this may take precedence in my posts, along with SUMMA FUN!!  So hang on tight…it going to be an AWESOME RIDE!!!!!!!