The Midlife Reframe

Category: social introvert

  • Swimming Against the Current

    I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?

    Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.

    It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.

    You think you are making headway.

    You look up.

    You’re in the same spot.

    You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.

    Same. Fucking. Spot.

    This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.

    (Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)

    I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.

    I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.

    I can’t control much of anything.

    But I can ‘keep swimming’.

    Even if it is upstream.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Confessions of a Social (Anxiety Filled) Introvert

    Sounds Funny Right?

    I love being out around people.

    Sometimes.

    I know that my mental illness contributes to my “I can’t people” moments.  I’ve learned that is just a part of who I am now, and that’s okay.

    I had a really bad anxiety filled “OMG I am going to be out in a group on the open water” moment Friday night.  This was right before my 2nd sea kayaking adventure at East Coast Outfitters on Saturday.  Now, I absolutely LOVE this activity.  Like LOVE LOVE.  But I had this “how can I get out if it” moment that I had to sit down and talk myself out of.

    It is always worth it in the end, going out and doing something I love.

     

    Happy Me.  I have awesome friends.

    The struggle is real.  REAL.  So, to show you the weirdness that is me, here are some of my confessions:

    1.  I get the heebie jeebies just about every morning on the bus.  Especially if it is full.  I have to listen to my meditation app, a podcast, or turn up my music and try to make myself small so no one is touching me. I only talk if it is necessary, like if the bus is on fire.
    2.  I love people watching, just sitting out amongst the everyday hustle and bustle, but being in a large crowd turns me into a flight risk on occasion.  The “world is closing in on me” feeling sneaks up and turns me into a panic stricken ball looking for the nearest way out.
    3.  I get excited to make plans with my friends to do something AWESOME.  About 4 to 24 hours after the fact, my brain hijacks my heart and starts to plan an escape route. 
    4.  I can work a party like a rockstar, once I’ve had time to analyze the room. If there are too many “in my face people”, I start to plan my stealth, ninja-like, exit.
    5.  I love being in crowds and meeting new people.  Depending on my level of social energy, you may get the low down of who I am and what I stand for, or you just get the Cole’s Notes version of me.
    6.  I may want to spend every weekend out and about, but that drains the fun out of me.  There are days I don’t leave the apartment, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  Silence and a reboot are what I need.

    In the right environment, I will flourish.  I just need to be with the right energy.

    So, if I seem a little “stand offish”, I’m not.  I’m just feeling you (and my surroundings) out.

    @crazymamaruns