The Midlife Reframe

Category: running

  • Running as a Mentor

    This year, I applied to be a Team Myles Mentor (Blue Nose Marathon). After my amazing experience with the Team late last year as an Ambassador, and a nudge from one of the previous mentors, I decided to share my love of Team Myles and running with others.

    The Ambassadors apply and can run the 5k and/or the 10k with Team Myles. In the end, we are all training for the 10k, and some folks have already run that distance in their training program!

    Watching this group of Ambassadors (some who have never run before) show up every day, for themselves and for their teammates, has really filled a hole for me. It is inspiring to say the least, and to see the smiles as everyone completes their long runs and hills training.

    Yes, there are the moments where they think they wonā€™t be able to do it, but they do. A gentle reminder that itā€™s their race at their pace and they are back at it. The cheers from their teammates give them that extra boost as well.

    We have some amazing coaches that warm us up, and cool us down. Their program is slow and steady. So many Ambassadors have surprised themselves with what they have accomplished so far.

    To be able to support the Ambassadors has been so rewarding. I canā€™t even put into words how I feel to see them progress every week. Not only am I supporting them, but they are supporting me.

    We just started week 7 of training. The race is the long weekend in May.

    These Ambassadors have it in the bag.

    I am so proud of each and every one.

    Love my GangGreen.

    Love Team Myles.

    Love being a Mentor.

  • And She Did It

    Itā€™s been a few weeks since my 10km race.

    Itā€™s taken me that long to process this journey, one that I needed to go on to find my running mojo again.

    Running with Team Myles was an amazing experience. One I will never forget.

    Iā€™ve made some new running friends, and Iā€™ve even joined a local running group which runs every Monday evening and hosts other running events.

    The thing I will have to keep in check though, is my brain. It is really having a hard time with me running again.

    It has tried to revolt. It even tells me how awful I am now that I am slower than I used to be. It whispers ā€œwhy even bother?ā€ in my ear.

    One thing that running with Team Myles has reiterated is that it is MY PACE that I run at. Iā€™ve changed. My body has changed. My pace has changed, and thatā€™s okay.

    Running is meant to be enjoyable for me. To get caught up in the time/pace vortex would just throw me into a mental space where my obsession would take over. Iā€™ve been there before, and itā€™s not always good for me.

    Training for a race at my new pace was a great experience. Training with a group of people running at different paces really made me appreciate the effort put forth by every single person that showed up.

    Thatā€™s the whole point: showing up.

    Showing up for yourself.

    Acknowledging YOUR effort.

    Appreciating what the body is capable of. Itā€™s an amazing piece of machinery.

    I am willing to keep at it, and to fight my brain telling me why I shouldnā€™t.

    They say running is a mental game.

    Iā€™m at the start again, and each move will be a challenge.

    I just have to keep rolling the dice.

  • Team Myles Ambassador

    Iā€™m a Team Myles Ambassador for 2021!

    I am very excited for this opportunity, because I had fallen off of the consistency wagon when it came to running. My mental health was suffering as a result.

    When I saw the moment applications were open, I jumped on it, not knowing if it would be accepted. Hoping that I would because I needed the running community once again.

    Team Myles 2021

    Much to my surprise, by mid-August, I received the email that I was in! I was so happy and excited to be a part of an amazing group of people working towards the same goal.

    We are all split into pods, and each pod is assigned a Mentor. We still have to come up with a pod name, but I have a great pod of peeps to keep me motivated!

    My Team Myles Pod!

    We started our training on a Tuesday evening at Citadel Hill here in Halifax. We had a meet and greet, with some great speakers, we warmed up and started our first training session. We ran intervals up and down Citadel Hill.

    I was proud (and surprised) that I was able to do the intervals and didnā€™t die, lol.

    Everyone can move at their pace, which is great. We all motivate and support each other.

    Our Saturday morning training is held in Point Pleasant Park. This is where we do our ā€œlong runsā€. Such a beautiful spot. Our first run was 20mins today 1:1 intervals. I felt great afterwards!!

    I (and my brain) are excited to be starting this journey. I need to get back into a routine, and this is guiding me back into it.

    Come along with me and Team Myles here on the blog!! Iā€™ll be sharing the good and the bad (because we know my brain wonā€™t cooperate all of the time), and all the fun Iā€™m going to have.

  • Running? Really?

    I ran an actual ā€œin personā€ race recently. It was a small event, with three different distances (4km, 6km, 8km). It was a lot of beach running.

    I did the 4km distance because who am I kidding, my running has been subpar lately. I knew in my inner being that the smallest distance would be the best choice for my disengaged body/mind.

    I drove down with my fellow co-founder of Road Warriors, Shannon. We booked a motel room for the night and made it into a girls road trip.

    The views from the motel were amazing, and we were super close to the beach.

    Sunset

    My run was a struggle. I fought my mind and body the whole way. There was no connection, no endorphin rush and no joy. I ran my worst 4km run ever.

    Iā€™d like to blame it on running in the sand, in not fuelling properly (not a lot of restaurants where we were – hello, Subway for supper), in not training enough.

    Truth is, it was just a crappy run. One I struggled with. Mentally, I couldnā€™t fight the defeat in my head. Physically, my body listened to my brain. Complete disconnect from my soul.

    My win from this: I finished it, even when I seriously thought of running into the ocean and not finishing the race at all.

    I am starting another running journey soon, and I am really looking forward to the challenge and the sense of community it will bring.

    Keep your eyes peeled for posts on my next adventure, starting up next week!

  • So Done

    Full of fatigue.

    Lacking motivation.

    Fighting my depression.

    Navigating this pandemic.

    Iā€™m so done. Done with feeling like I canā€™t do anything about how Iā€™m feeling.

    I go in circles. A time where Iā€™m feeling good and think I have everything under some semblance of control. I can handle a lot of things I cannot during a period of depression. I thrive during these times. Then comes the depression and I donā€™t trust myself, my decisions, or my thought process. Everything I do is wrong.

    This pandemic has made my depression periods more frequent, but in brief spurts and they hit me like truck. My circles become more chaotic and the times between my thrive and slump get shorter. Iā€™m fighting against a strong undertow and it exhausts me.

    I know this is drilled down to exceptional circumstances. I know this pandemic is affecting me in ways I canā€™t control. Iā€™m facing this every day, this lack of control.

    I try and step back, to see what is the underlying fear, and how can I work with that to move forward. Itā€™s not easy, and sometimes there is no working with it. It is fear, and I need to feel it.

    I recently found out I was at a COVID exposure site, and had to self isolate while waiting to get a test and the results. I was scared the whole time. One trip to pick up my lunch may have landed me in viral swamp, putting others at risk as well.

    During that time, I couldnā€™t run. My coping mechanism was off limits. There were other ways of working out, but running lets me unwind in a different way. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but the ability to lace up is still my number one way to solve the overthinking brain.

    Thankfully my test results were negative and I could het back to ā€œnormalā€.

    I am also lucky that I was able to book my vaccine, and I go in 10 days.

    I am very lucky, and I acknowledge that.

    I am just done with all of it. The pandemic, the damage and heartache it has caused, the fighting with my mental illness, watching people disrespect public health orders, all of it.

    I am done.

    But I will live to fight another day.

    I am lucky. So many others are not.

    I wish you love, health, and happiness.

    Stay safe.

  • Looking Back, and Moving Forward…Again

    My first race

    I ran my first race (a 10k) 3 weeks before I was diagnosed with depression. I was numb. I ran out of pure spite. I had no idea I was on the road to a breakdown. I thought this was just a finish line.

    I never thought running would be the thing that saved me.

    I used to watch people running and think ā€œWhy are they doing that to themselves?ā€ Who would want to run by choice?

    I thought runners were some weird breed of human that loved self torture. Maybe they are, but not in the negative way I thought before.

    You see, my perspective changed…

    I was diagnosed with depression on June 17, 2011.  I had become a shell of my former self.  I had been going through the motions, yelling at my daughter for no reason, and slowly retreating into the shadows.

    When talking about a treatment plan, my doctor told me it was important that I keep moving. Moving was hard.  Moving hurt.  Getting out of bed was this insurmountable task.  How could I keep moving when all I wanted to do was sleep and not get out of bed?

    I kept working with  a personal trainer for a while to get my mobility back (depression robs you of so much, even moving), and got out for walks with family and friends.

    Eventually I started running again.  Running felt good.  When I ran, I could easily work through situations and events that were troubling me.  Yes, those first few kilometres are killer, but the feeling afterwards, itā€™s definitely a rush. Runnerā€™s high is real, and itā€™s a great motivator.

    Running is a gauge for my mental health.  When I start to lose interest, and when I donā€™t want to lace up, I know I am possibly beginning a journey down the rabbit hole again.  Sometimes I can catch myself before I get too far down that rabbit hole, but there have been times that I am more than halfway down before I try to climb back up.  It is those times that lacing back up and getting out is harder.  

    Starting over again is always hard, I wonā€™t lie.  Everything hurts and my brain is usually working against me.  But once I get over the initial hurdle, I get that feeling again.  The one where I feel free.  Like I CAN get through the clouds and fog, and work through what it is that is holding me back.

    I am very lucky to be a part of the running community.  It is somewhere that I can lay out my soul and they are there to support me and love me through all my ups and downs.  They are my cheerleaders when things get rough, and a board to bounce things off of when I am riding high.

    When I am in my running groove, I feel like I can make it through anything.  On my not so good days, a run can be just what I need to give myself that mental boost.

    Itā€™s not always that way, but even my bad runs are there to teach me something, and I try to find the lesson so I can move forward.

    That is what running is for me, a way to keep moving forward, when depression keeps wanting to hold me back.

    It is running that made me feel comfortable speaking about my mental illness.  It was a running injury that started my blogging journey.  It was my blogging journey that led me to using other forms of social media to share my story.  We are not alone in our battle.  We are a collective voice, and we are stronger than we think we are.

    Running, itā€™s my way to feel unsinkable.

    Itā€™s not always easy.

    Itā€™s one foot in front of the other.

    One step at  a time.

    We are capable of so much.

    We just need to be kind to ourselves and remember our resilience.

  • I Thought I Was Doing Good

    I have been eating better. I have been drinking more water. I am getting ready to start some consistent running and yoga on June 1st.

    What I didnā€™t really pay attention to during this time was my underlying fatigue. That not so good depression sleep.

    Itā€™s the sleep that takes over. Sleeping in is every day. Sleeping until the last possible minute. This is not me. I am a wake up and get stuff done kind of person.

    Iā€™ve slept in every single morning for quite some time now. Itā€™s not restful sleep. Itā€™s a dead sleep. Itā€™s a sleep filled with weird dreams.

    I was wondering when it would happen to be honest.

    It is a slow progression, the depression sleep. It creeps in and sloooowly takes over. An extra 10 minutes here, another 15 minutes there. The next thing you know, youā€™re sleeping in an extra 2 hours and youā€™re scrambling to get up for work.

    I am hoping to change this starting tomorrow. If I can get up and get a small run in, it will be a win.

    Making this commitment to myself is necessary, for both my body and mind during these uncertain time.

    Wish me luck!

  • Running, In The Time of COVID

    Or…..not running?

    I have been struggling lately. I havenā€™t been running as much as I would like. Honestly, itā€™s been a while.

    I have some really bad anxiety when I go outside. If I do want to go for a run, it needs to be early in the morning so I am not around that many people. I am so nervous that I am going to unexpectedly turn a corner and run into someone. It really weighs on my mind, and I have pretty much played out all the possible scenarios in my head of what could happen (i.e. Iā€™ll get hit by a car because I move onto the street to give a wide berth to those on the sidewalk).

    I know for me, getting outside and moving is important for my mental health. I am working from home right now, so itā€™s a break I need from the inside of my apartment. Itā€™s all I see, from Sunday to Saturday, the inside of my apartment. The only other break from ā€œthe insideā€, is when I go to get groceries.

    What does being inside all the time do?? Well, my hibernation mode sets in, and thatā€™s not a good thing. My brain goes ā€œMeh, outside is overrated.ā€ ā€œLook at all the things you need to do INSIDE.ā€ ā€œNobody needs to see you slogging around out there.ā€ Then, it begins to tug at my motivation, and it burns that wick down quickly. My get up and go, got up and went.

    I even fell off the yoga wagon. That was my equalizer. Now I am off balance.

    One wagon I did not fall off of, was the depression wagon. That wagon has me as a full time passenger. This is the voice behind hibernation mode. This is the voice that is winning because of the stress and anxiety I am experiencing.

    I know I can change this. I know that I CAN run outside without being pummelled by Covid (and people). Itā€™s convincing my depression and my anxiety that I can do it. Thatā€™s not such an easy task.

    I have signed up for a virtual race in July, and my race in September, that has been postponed until 2021, will be having some sort of virtual event the same weekend of the race. I am hoping that these events will give me that little push to get moving regularly again.

    Now, I just need to have a chat about this whole situation with my mental illness. Wish me luck!

  • Because I Need to be Reminded: Why I Run

    If I had seen someone running (summer or winter) around 11 years ago I would have told you those people were nuts. Who would do that to themselves?

    I was a self proclaimed couch potato, and a single mom, working a stressful job.

    I hd been to the gym off and on, but it never stuck, I always found ways to circumvent going.

    It all changed when my daughter was around 10, and I really got a good look at myself. I was so focused on taking care of her, that I had forgotten that I mattered too. I signed up through the gym through work, and slowly started going. I eventually signed up with a trainer and we started working on getting me healthy and strong. It was through this journey that I seriously wondered if I was burning out at my job. I found it hard to wake up and get out of bed, I was cranky, and I was just not happy. I started looking into this personal training thing, and wondered if I could do something like that. I felt great when I worked out with my trainer and we had a great time.

    I took the plunge and decided that was an avenue I was willing to explore. I loved working out with my trainer and thought what a great way to spend your days, helping people get strong and reclaim their health.

    So, I left my 9 to 5 and did my course to become a trainer. I began working at the local Women’s Only gym. Things were great for a while, but there came a point where I started to feel like I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was not pleasant to be around, and I started snapping at my daughter. I wasn’t prepared for the financial strain when I fist started out in this job. My dad had some health issues. Things seemed to be falling apart around me.

    My mother had suggested that maybe I needed to see my doctor. She had said that I wasn’t myself. I put it off. I was just a little stressed.

    Then it happened. I yelled at my daughter one morning as I drove her to school. I had forgotten I had an early morning client, and my workplace called. We had to rush around and when we were in the van she asked me a question and I snapped. She didn’t deserve it, and I felt ROTTEN.

    I made an appointment with my doctor. I went in to see her in between my clients.

    That was the day I was diagnosed with depression, June 17, 2011. That was the day my life started over. I didn’t realize that at the time. It was a rough go. My meds made me tired and groggy. I had to fight hard to reclaim my former self, or was it my new self?

    My doctor told me that I needed to do physical activity as part of my treatment. I could start out walking. I did and it was helpful.

    I will tell you this, I didn’t want to move at all. There were days I went back to bed after I got my daughter ready and out the door for school.

    I had done some running as part of my gym routine, and I even ran a 10k race a little less than a month before I was diagnosed.

    I tried running agin not too long after I was put off work. I ached, and it felt lime I was running through molasses.

    I did get back to working with my trainer and I eventually started running again. It was something I could do that didn’t require any pressure. I felt free when I ran. I could think through some of my problems.

    I eventually went back to my 9 to 5 job, and running continued to be a big part of my life. I ran at lunch. It is a great stress reliever, and gave me time for myself.

    I started signing up for races, and sharing my ups and downs with the folks I met online and in real life. The running community has been a big part of my mental health struggles. They are always there to share their stories, and to get me through the rough times. It’s like an extended family.

    I know when I am hitting a rough patch with my depression, because my desire to run diminishes. I stop sometimes altogether. One thing is for certain, I always return. Running saves me.

    I am doing good today, and I am helping my daughter manage her mental illness (she was recently diagnosed a few years ago) when I can. She has a great support system and is seeing a therapist. Things are not always sunshine and roses. We have some pretty rough days, but we make it through.

    I had fallen off the running wagon, helping my daughter and getting her into therapy had taken up my time, which was the most important thing for me. Sometimes, life sends us where we need to be.

    I am slowly getting back to running, and am in the process, with some running friends, of setting up a non-profit running group to help combat the stigma associated with mental illness. We are the Road Warriors, and I am very excited to start this journey with my fellow runners.

    Running doesn’t “cure” my depression. Running helps me battle my depression.

    Running makes me feel strong.

    Running frees me.

    Running saves me.

  • And I Ran

    Last weekend was Maritime Race Weekend, and my birthday (wooohooo!).

    I had signed up for this race (the Tartan Twosome: one race Friday night, one race Saturday morning) when I was jacked up on endorphins from another race. I figured, what would be an awesome way to welcome 47!

    It has one of the best atmospheres and some wicked scenery.

    (I’ve run this race before, and I’ve volunteered for it as well.)

    The weather was AMAZING. Perfect running weather both days!

    It’s been a bit since I’ve run on a regular basis. I went into the weekend ready to run for the pure joy of it.

    I. Had. A. Blast.

    The 5km Sunset Run is probably one of my favs. So many folks are dressed for the occasion (it’s a pirate themed weekend), and I also love seeing all the kids participating with their parents as well. (Also, I had the chance to meet up with my fellow Worth Living Run Ambassador Co-Lead Shannon Lelievre beforehand, which is always awesome!! We also had Charlotte Flewelling, another ambassador, running in the races that weekend as well.)

    Saturday Morning was the Coastal 10k for me. I haven’t done this distance for this race weekend before, but I remember someone saying something about a hill. It came early on, and I got a bit of the way up before I decided to walk it, along with quite a few others, lol. I loved, loved, loved the view along the ocean. I high fived as many kids as I could, stopped at every water stop, and had a great time!

    This is one race weekend I would recommend to any runner. There is a big after party, which also includes pirate fun for the kiddos.

    Also, the medals are amazing.

    I am already planning to run this race weekend again next year šŸ˜Š