The Midlife Reframe

Category: physical fitness

  • When Two Sentences Bring Back a Memory So Vivid…

    It’s Funny….

    You would think that having a mental illness would make one steer clear of reading or immersing one’s self in the topic.

    But being who I am I need to learn more.  Not only about my illness, but about other mental illnesses as well.

    I am reading Fast Girl right now by Suzy Favor Hamilton.  I had heard about this book while listening to my Another Mother Runner podcast where Suzy was the guest and spoke so candidly about her Bipolar Illness.

    After I heard her speak to Sarah and Dimity, I needed to read this book.

    I got to page 84 on my iPad.

    I read this:

    “When my doctor walked through the door and smiled at me, I immediately started weeping uncontrollably.  She sat down really close to me and made me look at her.”

    Then I started to cry (and not for the first time, this book is a tear jerker).

    This was EXACTLY what happened the day I went to see my doctor in 2011.  Exactly.  I’ve known my doctor forever.  She delivered my daughter.  We’ve always had a great rapport.  So when she walked in and smiled, I broke down.  

    It was so surreal reading those words.

    I never want to forget that day, and I know I never will.  It is permanently etched in my psyche.

    It was the day I couldn’t run away from what was happening.  The day I hit the wall and fell right back on my ass.

    But at some point, that ass has to move.

    I remember finally getting the courage to get out and run one morning during my recovery.  I had been on my meds for a few weeks and was feeling okay.  I pulled on my gear and went out the door.

    I failed.  So bad.

    My body was still broken down.  My body was still suffering from depression.  I didn’t realize how mental illness affected your whole body.  Not being able to just suit up and run was very devastating to me at the time.

    I walked, a lot.  I worked with my trainer for a bit.  I focused on getting better mentally.  I realized how much running helped me centre. 

    It’s why I cherish every run I have.  Even the bad ones.  Because I know there will be days that I just can’t get out there, and I have accepted that.

    It is a struggle when you are batting depression to get moving.  So the days I do move, I celebrate them.

    I know that having a training plan will force me to move come mid-January.  This time of the year I need something to push me forward.  

    The shorter days with longer periods of darkness are hell.

    I just want to come home and sleep.

    So to those of you who struggle:  

    Keep on keeping on.  Any movement is good.  Walking, yoga, cycling, a gym class.

    And if you can’t do it today, it’s okay.  There is always tomorrow.  

    @crazymamaruns



     

  • Crazy Mama RAN!!!!!!!!!! The First Race in 2 YEARS!

    Yes, you read right.  I RAN on October 24th!

    A while back I signed up for the BLT 5km Fun Run/Walk out in Timberlea, Nova Scotia.  I needed to sign up for something to keep me going, and decided 5km was a good start.
    This run is an out and back from the BLT Elementary School and most of the run is on a gravel trail.  This trail is super familiar to me because I have done many runs on this trail prepping for races in the past.
    I did my mini carb load the night before (hello PIZZA!) and carried myself off to bed after midnight (oops).
    I had no problem waking up.  None.  Excitement/Adrenaline had me awake well before my alarm went off!
    Got myself some oatmeal, coffee and sat down to plan the race outfit de jour 🙂
    It was chilly, so layers were in order.  Not too many though.  Pants for sure.
    I dressed right away so I had no time to overthink anything.
    I arrived early enough to pick up my race kit and ran into some of my friends, including Peter, who was volunteering 🙂  I also ran into my PT from knee surgery recovery, lol.  What are the odds??

    Peter was excited to see me running again!**

    I stayed inside the school and waited with some of the other runners until it was close to “go time” because it was chilly.

    Then, out I went.

    And stood mid pack.

    Talked to my Twitter FitFam friend Myles and his lovely wife for a minute, just to shake the growing anxiety and remind myself that I AM A RUNNER, lol.
    Then, the voice from the loudspeaker made the announcements, I was surrounded by runners, heard the word “GO” and off we went!
    There I am – Top Far Right!  GO AMY GO!!!!!!!!!!
    Now, previous races, I would have shot out of there like a cheetah.  But, having learned from this lesson (during the Valley Harvest 10km where I went out like a cheetah and wanted to barf my guts out halfway), I just kept a nice slowish pace to get myself warm.
    I caught up to Myles’ lovely wife just after 1km and we ran for a bit until her walk break.
    Then, I was SOLO.
    I picked up my pace a bit and passed a few people.  Stopped for a minute because I picked it up a little more than I should, lol.  Then I decided to find someone that had a decent pace (by feel) and stayed a bit behind them for the next couple of kms.
    I reached the turnaround point feeling good.
    Then I saw the 3km marker and lost it.

    Tears.

    I had the moment I though I would have at the end.  The “HOLY CRAP I AM RUNNING IN AN EVENT” moment.
    3km.
    But crying and running don’t really mix, mostly because you can’t see, so I stopped for a minute, wiped my eyes and kept going.
    The last km has a hill.  BLECH.
    I walked up that hill.
    Because ME.
    And then, the last 500m I put the pedal to medal and came in like a FREAKING GAZELLE:


    SEE HOW HAPPY I AM?!?!?!??!

    Super happy.

    I was lucky to get a photo with my peeps afterward who were there to see my first race in forever!



    Time:  30mins 47secs.

    CRUSHED IT.

    Now, I am attempting to plan out what my 2016 Race Calendar will look like.

    And how to get that 30 mins to 25 or under, lol.

    Look out world.  I’M BACK!!!!


    **Thanks to Paul Wesson Photography for taking the wicked awesome Race pics!

  • And Then I Got Sick

    Yes, sick.

    Coming off my BlogJam high I went into work on Monday.
    It came and went with it’s usual routine.

    Then Tuesday.  Tuesday I woke up and felt like a slug.  Dragged my butt into work and made it through the day.

    What time did I get to bed?  8:35pm.
    Like a BOSS.
    Needless to say I was laid out Wednesday and Thursday with sinus pressure and total grossness.  No physical activity was had last week.

    The cats were checking in on me constantly.

    Time to re-evaluate…

    So, because I have a mental illness, there are times that my immune system is not at it’s best.  I mean, depression and anxiety = long term stress.  So the days leading up to my first speaking engagement, they were some super stressful days.  Exciting stress, but stress all the same.
    As I took care of myself those two days I was at home I started to think of my food, hydration, meditation and wondered if I needed something else to bolster my immune system so that I would not be as easy to infect.
    I decided to go back on a multivitamin.   A women’s multivitamin, because let’s face it, I am over 40 😉

    Now I know what some people think.

    You need to sweat that shit out.  Sweat out those germs.
    NO.
    Putting extra stress on my already weakened immune system?  Sorry, not an option.
    I learned a looooooong time ago, when TeenThing was a wee one, that pushing through being sick is not always a good thing.
    When she was just over a year old, I ended up in the hospital for a week.  My body was in shut down mode.  They had no idea what was wrong with me.  To this day, there is still no explanation as to what was wrong.  I was jaundiced, fatigued, and I hurt.  I was in isolation for the first few days.  They took 6 vials of blood every morning.  I saw so many different doctors and they wanted biopsies, yuck (which did not happen – yay).  Finally, I just started to feel better and was able to go home (in a raging snowstorm, but taxis were out and I was NOT staying in there any longer than I had to!).

    Lesson:  My life, my body, my child, are the most important things.  When you are sick, rest dammit. 

     

    And hey, getting better means apple picking baby!

     

    I’ve said it before, self care ROCKS.  Not only mental self care, but physical self care as well.  Being a person is hard these days.  We need to remember that just because the world is going a gazillion km per hour doesn’t mean WE have to keep that pace.
    So if you are sick, take care of yourself.  We have sick days for a reason.  Not using them is not going to win you any brownie points.  Same with exercise/training.  Taking a couple of days to rest is not going to set you back so far that you will suffer any major setback.
    Stay home.
    Get better.
    Then go and kick some ass.

     

     

  • The Post That is Brought to You by The Letter R

    Because Today……I RAN!!!!

    Yes.

    I ran.

    It is surreal.

    Best. Feeling. Ever.

    1.47kms at a 7:13km/hr pace in 10mins 38s

    It was a slow one.  Some walking was done.  But I DID IT.

    My body needed it.  My mind needed it.

    I signed up for the Terry Fox Run in September, BLT 5k Fun Run/Walk in October!

    Welcome back me.  Welcome back.

    #craxymamaruns

  • The Post Where I Talk About the Balance Between "Putting it Out There" and "Keeping Things Private"

    Because Let’s Face It…

    If I told you ALL of my life, ya’ll would definitely run away and hide, lol.

    When I first started on this Blog journey (over a year ago, wow!), it was after some deliberation.  Wallowing in my “I can’t run because I am injured” state was NOT helping matters and I needed an outlet since I couldn’t run.
    I wanted to be vocal about my mental illness and how my running was (and will be, come August 1st) a big factor to keeping myself focused.
    My ex was a big part of the beginning of this blog.  He was an amazing support to me with respect to choosing a platform and encouraging me to write when I expressed a strong opinion about something during our conversations.  He is a part of why this blog is what it is today.  Thank you!

    But…. I thought you loved sharing your story?

    I do.
    The big part of being vocal about anything you have a passion for on Social Media is keeping a part of yourself for you.  Learning to not “overshare” is a big lesson.
    I think we all need to keep our own bubble of privacy for whatever WE decide to keep for ourselves.  If I were to share my very very very innermost thoughts and daily goings on, you’d be two things: scared of me AND annoyed, lol.  Being my brain is a hard job 😉

    And I do love my followers!

    I have met some amazing people on Social Media.  Through my blog, Twitter, Facebook, PodCamp.  I am very glad to call quite a few folks my friends.  
    The running community has been a large support for me as I work my way back to starting to run again.
    Connecting with other moms, especially the local crew, has been awesome.

    I also love that I have so many people who get my anxiety and depression on Social Media.  This is great when I have insomnia or just need to talk about the funk I am in.  
    Those who suffer along with me get it, and if we can lift each other up, I am all for it.  I think sometimes just knowing you are not the only one who is feeling or thinking a certain way can alleviate a little bit of the load off of the shoulders.
    Because I know that I have an amazing Social Media family that will support me in whatever way I need, I do my best to reciprocate if needed.

    Now that being said…

    I share what I can about my struggles with both mental illness, physical fitness, and being a mom.  I try to keep private what I want to keep private.  Because life is life.  Sometimes it sucks and I don’t want to share the sucky parts.
    So trust me when I say you are getting a large piece of me on Social Media.  I keep the yucky parts to myself, for everyone’s peace of mind, lol.

    I hope that you continue to share what you can with me, with the interwebs, with the Twitter-ers, the FaceBookers.  
    Because I think we have a great thing going here.

    xo

    #crazymamaruns









     

  • Strength Training, Sole Sisters Race, and Life in General

    And so it begins…

    My strength training has started back up.  My body is like…WHOA, what are this?
    I may have lifted a little too much this week, so I am going to have to rethink my upper body weights a little, lol.  Lower body weights are just right, and my legs feel good.  Getting some cardio in on the elliptical and rowing machine and working my core as well.

    Lunchtime workouts -> Stress relievers!!
    Having a gym in the office building is great!  It gets me away from my desk at lunch 😉

    And this weekend, we volunteered!

     

    This weekend was Sole Sisters Race.   This is a race I have yet to run, but after TeenThing and I volunteered yesterday, she is all up for running it with her mom next year! 
    It was a very wet, rainy and chilly day, but 3200 women came out to walk and/or run with their moms, sisters, daughters and friends for what was a sea of purple tutu awesomeness.
    Best part – the rain stopped before the race! 

    (Note: we had a bus debacle and got soaked walking to the event, lol)

    This tshirt is soooooo soft!

    Look at all these tutus!

    Thankfully the rain stopped!

    And the start line filled up FAST!

    Teen Thing and I working bag check!
    It was a great day and great turnout!  I also ran into one of my @RunAtCan peeps and took a group photo for her!  But…..we forgot to take a pic with each other, lol.
    They have added new distances for 2016.  If you are looking for a fun race to do with the ladies – check it out!!

    What else is shakin’?

    Well, I made it through the step down off my meds.  It was touch and go there for a while.  Some crappy stuff happened and I was able to deal with my newfound coping skills, so, all good!
    ** Not saying this is a “Woohoo my life will be med free” journey, because I am a realist, but for now I am okay.
    TeenThing has shown some interest in running, so since I am basically going to be starting over she is going to tag along 🙂  This is good, because it will keep me on a plan and not go bonkers when I lace up.
    So for now, that is what’s going down around here.

    My FitBit?

    I’m wearing it.  Not accepting any challenges.  Just seeing where it takes me.

    So tune in next week….I’ll be keeping you in the loop about all things #crazymamaruns!
     

  • BlueNose Marathon Weekend 2015 Expo with #RunAtCan – #Giver!

    A Long Weekend Calls for a Race

    And here in Halifax, the “May 2-4” Weekend is the BlueNose Marathon Race Weekend!
    This was my very first race as a runner, so I am a little biased as to it’s awesomeness.

    I did this on a whim – and haven’t looked back.
    Halifax is hilly, so if you want a flat race, you won’t get that here!  Just check out #BNMarathon2015 or @BlueNoseMarathon to see pics 🙂
    I could not race this year, as I am only cleared to run in August, so I hopped on the Volunteer train and signed up to hand out the bling!

     

     

     

    Race Expo

    This year I was able to hang out with some of my super awesome Twitter fam at the Expo.  The Twitter Group @RunAtCan had a panel discussion on Social Media and Running.  The panel was great at sharing their experiences, their views on Social Media and what platform they found useful to connect with other runners.

    Left to Right: Andrew Paris, Anna Sherwood, Andrew Chak and Paul Merrigan
    Our Sunday Night #RunAtCan Twitter chats have grown from a small Atlantic Canadian group to folks from all over North America and beyond!  The #RunAtCan community is one I am proud to be a member of.  We have created a family, and I am very lucky to call these people my friends.

    Group Shot with John Stanton 🙂  With Charlotte Flewelling and Durwin Brennan peeking out in the back.

    Vancouver MARATHON Finisher Nicola!  Wheeeeeee!

    Photobombed by that Paul Merrigan while getting a shot with Renee!

    The awesome Krysten 🙂

    The running community is amazing.  When I first started to run, I had no idea that there was this giant family of runners out there.  No matter what level you are at, there are always runners there to give you encouragement, advice and accolades.

    Race Day

    I was up a 5:15am.  And there was SOME light.  Forecast was calling for 60% chance of showers.

    Layering up – it was a little chilly!

    Arrived at the Scotiabank Centre for my shift and took a few quick shots of the runners heading up to the Start Line.

    And….

    Here they come!

    Look – my hand!  lol  And a little bit of rain…that’s Team Myles going up Carmichael!


     

    You will definitely get an arm workout giving out the bling.  Some wicked bicep curls were going on for sure 😉  I worked with a fantastic group of people.  We cheered folks in and helped out some Marathoners walk down the hill into the Scotiabank Centre….yes, down the hill.  It rained a little bit at the start of the main races, but held off for the remainder!  Yay!

    I was able to give SO MANY of my friends their medals, and I was able to meet SO MANY Twitter peeps!


    Steph – YOU ROCK!
    I have said it before, and I will say it again, if you have the chance VOLUNTEER!  You get to see the “inner workings” of a race and you get to give back to the running community.
    Next year, I am running the BlueNose, and I am hoping to PB for the half (2:10 is my time to beat).  
    To everyone that ran today, you all did AMAZING!  Congrats 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • Weight of the World….

    And Why It Reminds Me to Refocus

    I carry a lot on my shoulders.  Some of it is placed there by me.

    I over think everything, obsessively.

    Not being able to control my environment throws me into a tailspin sometimes.

    So, until I am cleared to run (my ultimate stress reliever), I’ve been walking and packing my gym bag to shake off everything that has been weighing me down.  Also, a heavy rotation of Silva Meditation. 

    The elliptical is kinda like running!

    Like a lot of moms, I place unrealistic expectations on myself.  I am probably my most harshest critic. 

    We carry way too much, and need to give ourselves a break.  We CAN’T do it all.  And we should NOT feel bad about that.

    Being able to workout gives me peace of mind and reminds me that I need to take care of myself!

    Aren’t you sore from just jumping back in?

    Heck ya!  Everything HURTS.  I am jonesing to run, so taking on the elliptical and rowing machine are my replacement…lol.  Hoping to have my strength training plan written up shortly so I can put it into rotation this week.

    Physio?

    It’s going great!  I have started weight bearing exercises with my right leg, so we are making great progress.

    Yoga?

    Soooooooon.  Once I get the “yes, you can REALLY single leg weight bear” from Joel, look out!  LOL.  I really really really miss my hot yoga.

    What’s on tap for this week?

    Work (duh).

    My usual Physio Appointments Tuesday and Thursday.

    The last of the #JustPlankIt challenge.

    This is killing me, but the brownie today helped, lol.

    Gym time, and my walks.

    So, if you are hooked up with MapMyWalk, let me know!  I just started tracking my walks…….yesterday, lol.

    #crazymamaruns



     

  • When Life Throws You Lemons…..

    Well, we all have our ending to this phrase, lol.

    I say throw because the good and bad are not always handed to you.  Sometimes it comes right at you.
    To say the last week has been trying would be correct.
    I won’t sit here and lament or wax poetic.  Mostly because a lot of it is private and I am respecting other people’s privacy.  They all deserve that.

    What the heck does that have to do with lemons and crap?

    Well, struggling with depression on and off for 4 years has really given me insight.  Being off my meds and dealing with ALL THE FEELINGS has been working out okay. Sometimes I follow my own insight.  Sometimes I hide in my fort. 

    But it’s a choice.

    A choice to hide from the world and think about all the crappy things….OR….find what makes you happy and embrace life.  Even the crap.  Because the crap is a lesson.

    A good friend of mine challenged a few of us to write down what we were grateful for this week.  I’ve saved it in my email, because it’s something I want to add to and when I look at it I remember that my life isn’t so sucky as I sometimes think.

    It has, this week anyway, put things into perspective for me.

    I know what motivates me, and what doesn’t.

    With this knowledge I am beginning this week anew.

    Building a better, faster, stronger Amy.

    (A small snippet from my list:

    Water.

    Watermelon.

    Kites.

    Skates.

    Sneakers.

    Lululemon….lol.

    Running skirts.

    My depression and anxiety – because I am forced to take a step back and focus.)

    What will this entail Amy??

    Well, I am looking into purchasing a bike.  Not being cleared to run yet (BUT, I have been cleared to run in the Fall – Booya!) I am looking for something challenging that will get me outside.  Don’t get me wrong, I love walking.  I just need something different.
    Also, much core and upper body work (don’t worry, I will not cancel leg day, haha) to carry me through when my legs are thinking about giving up during my races next year.


    This is a “start again” moment, and I am taking advantage of it.

    What will we be seeing?

    More insightful posts (hopefully! lol), related to my new journey.

    Encouragement, support, some high fives, and lots of funny.

    Because what’s life without funny!

    So come along, ask questions, and join in on the conversation 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 1)

    Well, quite a bit.


    I am full on into physio and progressing.  Which is good, it is keeping me focused!

    My after physio face:

    Back to work and feeling good now that I am using my brain again (high fives all around).


    BUT…..

    Yep, there is a but.

    I have been experiencing some discontinuation symptoms from my step down off the meds.  Today is the first day since we started the plan that I have no nausea, dizziness or confusion.  I have also been getting tongue tied, experiencing some lethargy and fatigue.

    It hasn’t been a fun ride.  But neither was the fall down the rabbit hole.

    I’ve been on these meds for 4 years.  I was becoming numb though.  Not really “feeling”.  Just existing.

    It feels, in some ways, like an eternity.

    Like a really long movie.

    I carry every experience with me and have learned so much.  About myself, my coping skills, my feelings.

    I am an “obsessive thinker”. If I feel like I have done something wrong, or feel like I am under attack, my brain goes into overdrive.  Fight or flight ramps up and it could go either way.

    I have been using meditation as a coping skill.  To centre and focus so I can reign in those thoughts, feelings, and calm the fight or flight instinct.

    I own everything.  Every mistake, every feeling.

    And Now….Now I Start Taking it Back

    My power.

    My mental health.

    My physical health.

    I am very impatient.  My urge to run is very strong.

    But with surgery and now early arthritis medial compartment (where the OCD was in my femur) I have to be smarter.  More efficient.  And patient.

    I ask all kinds of questions.  I love learning.

    And So, I Start Over

    Back to Basics.

    Rebuild my strength while following the instructions from my physiotherapist.



    I will be patient.


    I will work hard.

    And I will try not to cry about our recent snowmaggedon in Halifax, NS

    Why did I use “snowmaggedon”?

    You’ll have to wait for Part 2 😉

    In the meantime, my #FightForHappy has ramped back up!


    #crazymamaruns