Category: parent

  • Mentally Ill Mother: Mentally Ill Daughter (Or: Stop Telling Me Your Tools Are Better Than Mine)

    You would think that with all of the talk around mental health and the options for treatment, that people would be a little more understanding when it comes to folks choosing the best option for them. From what I have been reading lately, this is not the case.

    So, once again, I am telling the condensed story of why I will choose medication when needed (now with TeenThing’s condensed story included).

    Let’s begin:

    Almost 7 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I was in such a state I could not function as a regular human.

    (Before all of you “physical activity is the best antidepressant” people even start: I was working as a personal trainer when I was diagnosed. I worked out almost every day. I WAS DYING INSIDE.)

    My whole body hurt. Going outside caused me EXTREME anxiety. I would physically shake when I drove. I probably shouldn’t have been driving (oh well, too late to correct that now). I cried at the drop of a hat.

    I was put on medication when my doctor diagnosed me. Between the medication and my weekly/bi-weekly visits with her, I slowly began to come around.

    Eventually, I was able to go off of medication, for a while. I also went back on medication a couple of years later. I am currently not medicated, and that could change.

    Lesson: I do not wish to feel like I cannot function as a human, so when it is required, and all other options are not working, I will choose medication.

    Recently:

    In November of 2017, my daughter was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I posted about her diagnosis and how I was chastised about “putting her on meds”.

    My daughter is a relatively grown human. It was HER decision to go on medication.

    Watching her go through the trial and error process to weed out what was going on was awful.

    She would go to work, and then call to come home. She would be crying. She couldn’t be around people. She became nauseous at the thought of dealing with the public. Our trip to Scotland had it’s moments of ick.

    It was not fun.

    The toolset she was given during the first visit to the doctor was not working.

    When she went back to see the doctor, I was there. I sat, let her talk, and together they discussed options. My daughter made the decision to try medication.

    Today she is doing well. There are still off days, but she is working and functioning.

    Lesson: Her decision, made by her, was the right thing, FOR HER.

    There are people who can manage their illness without being medicated. I am not putting these people down, at all.

    What I am saying is this: We all have tools in our toolkit. Some work better than others. Some things work better for me, some work better for you.

    So please, stop telling me I am using the wrong tool, when it’s my toolbox.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Scotland Adventure Part 3: OUTLANDER!

    Lallybroch (Midhope Castle)

    I am an Outlander fan.

    Since we were in Scotland, I could not pass up a tour to some of the Outlander locations!!

    TeenThing and I hauled butt out of bed early one morning and got to the Royal Mile to take The Outlander Palaces, & Jacobites Experience Tour with Timberbush Tours.

    This was a nice small group tour with like minded Outlander fans.  It made for a really great day!

    We started our tour with the drive to Midhope Castle.  This property has ties to Hopetoun House, which you will see later in this post.

    Midhope was the setting for Lallybroch.  It is very run down, which is unfortunate as it is hauntingly beautiful walking up the dirt road.  We took a few pictures here (and yay for fun travel mates who take pics for you!).

    Waiting for Jamie 😉
    At the entrance. Let us in Jenny!

    The small area where we parked was also used in filming as the spot where Claire first met Captain Randall, right before she was taken away by the Scots.

    After we all scampered around in the woods, it was time to get in the bus and head to Blackness Castle, the setting for Fort William.

    Blackness Castle – The “Ship That Never Sailed”

     

    The scene of Captain Randall’s flogging of Jamie.

     

    Inside – Amazing.

     

    Walking around the Castle.

     

    No fun was had at this location.

    After a snack grab, it was time to head to Linlithgow Palace, the setting for Wentworth Prison!

    Linlithgow Palace was also the birthplace of Mary Queen of Scots.  It is a gorgeous castle.  We checked out the spots used for the prison scenes and then took a guided tour.

    Yep, that is prison like.

     

    The Kirk. There was a funeral being held that day, so we were unable to go inside.

    You can see where the roof and floors were.
    TeenThing gets the photo cred here.

    The wine cellar was built with grave stones. This one was accidentally left facing out. Ooops!

     

    The Loch.

     

    Mary Queen of Scots

    I could have stayed here for hours.  The castle is amazing.

    Our next stop, Callendar House.  The location was used as the Duke of Sandringham’s kitchen in Season Two.  It has also hosted Bonnie Prince Charlie and Mary Queen of Scots.

    This was a really neat stop. This room was our only area to tour. We had a great time in here though!

     

    Gorgeous from the outside!

    We had a few minutes here to enjoy the grounds.  It was super pretty here.

    Our next stop – Culross.  Used many times in Outlander.  The Mercat Cross area was used as Cranesmuir, while the Palace had many rooms used in the series as well.  The garden in back was used as Claire’s herb garden at Leoch.  (Side Note:  TeenThing was THRILLED to learn that Culross was also used as a location while filming Captain America, lol.)

    A lot of the houses were painted grey or white during filming. This is such a cute little village.

    A dram in Geillis’ parlour anyone?

     

    Claire’s Herb Garden

    Culross Palace

    We had lunch in Culross and ate at a super cute spot called Biscuit Cafe.  We had awesome sandwiches and some hot bevvies 🙂

    Loved this little spot!
    Yum!
    This sandwich – the bombdotcom.

    After lunch we hopped on the bus to head to Hopetoun House.  This location was used as the home of the Duke of Sandringham. Two rooms upstairs were used as Claire’s rooms in France, and they also used a small area to the side to film where Claire and Mary were attacked.

    But first……standing stones!!!

    No touchy, lol.

    Hopetoun House is AMAZING.  It is Scotland’s largest home.  It was host to a wedding while we were there.  The staff here are wonderful.

    This is the back of Hopetoun, where they filmed Jamie’s arrival to see the Duke. The duel was also filmed in the back yard as well.

     

    The “back yard”.

     

    Claire’s room in France.

    Where Claire sat with the Duke asking for Jamie’s pardon.

    I walked forever to get this shot, lol.

     

    Part of the side of the estate where other filming was done (attack on Claire and Mary)

    No serious selfies here.

     

    You can see the “Three Bridges” from here.

    We had lots of time here to look around and take everything in.  The house is absolutely beautiful.  The perfect spot to end our Outlander experience.

    After all this excitement, we piled into the bus and head back into Edinburgh to the Royal Mile.  We grabbed food, went back to our humble abode and crashed.

    This post alone could have been multiple mini posts.  I didn’t even put in a third of the photos, lol.  It was a great day and the 9.5 hours flew by!

    Even though TeenThing hasn’t watched Outlander, she loved every location we visited (with Culross becoming her number one favourite, because Captain America, lol).

    Unfortunately, I never did run into Jamie Fraser.

    Or did I??  😉

    It was as close as I could get, lol.

    Come back next weekend.  The Water of Leith and the Art Gallery are up next!

    @crazymamaruns

  • It’s My “Anniversary”!!! Sort of……

     

    So here we are.

    June.

    My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.

    I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons.  One being:  I have learned so much.  Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.

    I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).

    I know my limits.

    I know when to say no.

    I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.

    It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”.  You need to be in that space to put it out there.  I have no problem sharing my experiences.   Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice.  I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently.  I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”.  Because that does not help.  At all.  Shut down.

    Every person experiences this illness differently.  Copes with it differently.  Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.

    The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.

    This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.

    My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month.  Another shift in my time/space continuum.  Our dynamic will change again.  I have been mulling this over in my  head, probably more than I should, and even though  I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.

    I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉  She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay.  She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.

    I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11.  It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂

    So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!

    I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.

    One thing that won’t change:  Running 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Why I Am Retiring the Half Marathon

    Need to find this feeling again.

    So if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you know that I announced that my half marathon on May 21st will be my last half marathon.

    I struggled with this decision through training.  Even though I started out strong, every bump in the road seemed like a mountain.  Running started to become a burden.  The thing I love was becoming something I did not look forward to.

    It had nothing to do with my support team and my friends.  They were the ones who helped me get my butt out the door.  I could not have made it this far in my training without them!

    I place a very high expectation on myself.  When things don’t go as I think they SHOULD have, I can fall into a big black hole of self doubt that is not exactly fun.

    The remainder of my race season is made up of shorter distance races.

    I am in need of a reset.

    During some of my solo training runs I went off the beaten path.  I found that it was in those moments that I felt more at peace.  I enjoyed myself.

    I do believe that the trails are calling.  More time in Mother Nature is required.  I need it.  My soul needs it.  I need to find the joy in running again.

    2018 will be about running for just for me.  No concerns about pace, time, or serious training.  I am going to run for fun.  Find my love of lacing up early in the morning and being outside before the chaos of the day begins.

    So, next weekend I hope to crush this last half marathon and enjoy the remainder of the year which will be filled with a few fun things including: TeenThing’s Prom, Graduation, and Graduation Trip (Hello SCOTLAND!).

    Looking forward to finding the joy.

    @crazymamaruns

    p.s. We will be vlogging Scotland.  So excited!!

     

     

     

     

     

  • Cupping, Christmas, and Weights


    Yes, let’s talk about my back shall we?
    When I arrived at the Saint Mary’s University Lifemark location, my RMT asked me the usual questions:  How are things?  What have you been up to? What are we working on today?  Welllllll…
    December is a hard month.  More so for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety.  The lack of sun is a mood crusher all on its own.  You add in the social events, the gift purchasing, and the cooking,  some sort of meltdown is inevitable.
    For me, everything needs to be perfect: the tree, the food, and the presents.  My need for everyone else to be happy trumps all.  Everything else goes out the door: the gym, my running, the things that keep me centered.  I know what it feels like to hit the bottom, so my desire to make sure that those around me have a great holiday is strong.
    This year my body got me through various races.  I was 2 minutes off my 1/2 marathon personal best in May (coming back from a knee injury, I was so happy!), I ran a 10km in the hottest weather I’ve ever run in (not my best, lol), I ran a 5km personal best, and I got through 2 calf strains (each leg).
    My RMT is amazing (so is my PT and Chiro) and has gotten me back on my feet more times than I can count.  When I told him my body was shutting down, he knew exactly what I meant.  I was tightly wound AND my right calf was still not 100%.  Also, my desire to sleep forever and eat all the food was starting to become an issue.
    He suggested cupping.  I am game to try new things, and I have had friends who had cupping done, so I said sure!
    Holy Hurt Batman.
    I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  It was a weird experience at first, but once I got used to the suction ‘zlurp’ noise and the feeling, I focused on my breathing and cursed when required 😉.  I could feel the release in my calf, and as he worked on my back, it was then I realized juuuust how tight I was.  Stress had my upper back all tied up.
    He took the above picture and had me look at it before he left the room.  I had an idea of what it might look like, but that is intense, lol.  Biggest hickies EVER.  Still tender today as write this post, but boy did I ever had a great sleep!
    He left me with post massage/cupping instructions and we discussed what I was going to do to get myself through December and prep for my half training in the new year: Weight training.  I felt great when I worked with a trainer and had a plan.  It will also prep my body for running.  I need this for my mental health as well.
    So until Crazy Mama starts to run, Crazy Mama’s gonna lift!
    For real.  Just watch me 🙂.
    @crazymamaruns
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  • Our "Last Year of School"

    Class of 2017

    It seems like just yesterday I was getting TeenThing ready for Primary.

    This year, she is graduating from High School.  On September 8th, she starts Grade 12.

    Vacation Dessert = Happy TeenThing
    We’ve been through a lot throughout her school career.  Intense conversations with teachers, moving from one part of the city to another, toxic friends, her mom’s trip down the rabbit hole, etc.
    With “the odds” stacked against me as a single parent, I must say that all in all, I’ve kicked some parenting ass.  I mean, if you look at all the old “stats” out there, my kid should be a hot mess.

    But she’s not.  Why?  Because I was involved in her life.  I asked questions.  I left her to be who she wanted to be.  I didn’t force her down a path she was not comfortable traveling on.
    Did I guide her where I could?  Yes.
    Were there yelling and tears?  Yes.

    Did I sacrifice a lot?  Yes.

    Was it worth it?  You’re goddamn right it was.  I passed up quite a bit over the years, but to have her turn out the way she is, right now, it’s the greatest reward as a parent.  Even more so because I did it on my own, with a fantastic support system.

    I wouldn’t change a thing really.

    Now to navigate our way through this last year with Graduation photos, parent meetings, Prom, Graduation ceremonies, Graduation Trip planning, and trying not to go bankrupt in the process, lol.
    (Side Note:  Back to running this week.  Slow but sluggish progress to get my kilometres back.  Happy to be able to get back out there!)
    Happy Back to School Everyone!


  • Christmas Vacation Check In

    Okay, Are You Ready??

     I will do a pic post today 😉

    Christmas Eve – Spotted Christmas Car
    Candied Bacon on my cupcake after Turkey Dinner #3
    Christmas Day – My “Greg” was good to me! xo
    Christmas Day with Auntie – Turkey Dinner #4
    I now scare my kitties with my Yeti Feet I got for Christmas 🙂

    I logged 13,800 steps yesterday with my FitBit Flex, and I am loving it!  Not being able to run until surgery in the New Year had me bummed, but my FitBit has movitated me to kick butt!

    I hope you are enjoying your Christmas! And yes, I am totally doing a FitBit Blog Post in the near future!!!

    #crazymamaruns

  • Total October Randomness

    Here we go!

     This is what I am doing right now….running while I can!

    I see the surgeon in 20 days.  So as long as it is not torrential downpour or hurricane force winds, I am going to try and get as much running time in as is humanly possible.

    I’m not going gangbusters mind you, but with the thought of being laid up for possibly 6-8 weeks and then recovery…well I am going to get it all in.

    Same with my yoga.  Home and at the studio.  I will practice every day!

    I want to be in great condition so I can kickass in recovery.

    The better shape I am in, the quicker my recovery time.

    And now…..other ramblings….

    So, as some of you know, I am a single mom.  This is both challenging and rewarding.  Challenging when the other parent is not involved, but rewarding because I see the awesome human I am raising on my own.  

    There have been times when I have doubted the job I am doing, just like every other parent.  Parenting is hard, period.  Even with both parents.  There are times you doubt every decision you make. 

    As parents, we are always hard on ourselves.  Harder than anyone else would be on US.  We keep our doubts and inner criticisms to ourselves.  No parent is perfect, no matter people may think or say.  We’ve all made mistakes and we learn from that.  We need to help each other out.  Give each other some pats on the back.  This is one hard gig!

    And then more randomness today because sometimes….

    I get the schlumpies.

    That’s what I call my bad days with depression.  The days I want to hibernate.  

    I find it gets worse when I don’t see the sun for more than 2 days.  

    No matter how much I run, how much I yoga, sometimes they just come along and pull the rug out from beneath me.

    Rude, yes.  I just find ways to get through them.  Whether it’s medidation, chocolate or some downtime with Netflix, I make it.  If it is really bad, I reach out, because sometimes the schlumpies leak out my eyes.

    In the end…

    I am still here.  Grateful for everything I have.  Grateful for everyone in my life.  Grateful for those who didn’t hang around.  I try to learn from every experience, good or bad.  There is a lesson in everything if you step back and look.

    Am I stubborn? Yes.  Will I make decisions that suck?  Yes.  But I get up the next day and start over.  Every day is a new beginning.  Yesterday is gone.  Put your feet on the ground and start over.

    It’s the best part, starting over.

    I’ve done it a lot.  You can too 🙂

    Sending out high fives and hugs!  We are all doing the best we can to get through this life.