The Midlife Reframe

Category: pandemic

  • COVID

    I learned on Sunday that I was exposed to Covid-19.

    I tested Monday Morning, negative.

    So, I went about my day. My throat was kind of dry as the day went on, but didn’t think much about it, as I find the office air dry some days.

    I woke up early Tuesday and I was not feeling good. Took another rapid test…..and it lit up like a Christmas tree.

    Well fuck.

    I waited until a half decent hour and called my kiddo (who is in the bedroom next to mine) to tell her the situation.

    Her response: “Oh fuck”

    I managed to work from home on Tuesday. But Wednesday was a different story. I slept most of Wednesday. The fatigue and the tightness of my chest was overwhelming. That and fighting the headache. It was just all too much.

    Thursday saw me not as fatigued, but still quite ill. I made it through the day, and started getting head congestion. It seems to be this slow moving virus for me, each day adding something different.

    Friday, I was feeling better. My daughter, luckily, had been testing negative and was clear to go on her planned trip to Montreal. We Facetimed and off she went. I was now able to roam the apartment. The change of scenery was welcome. I sat down on the balcony for my 1 hour of outside time in the early afternoon with a glass of grapefruit juice.

    I took a drink of said juice and could barely taste it. By the time I was halfway through the glass I couldn’t taste it. I had the sensation of the “bite” it has, but no taste. Another COVID hit. Later on I became more congested and a fever started. I took meds and went to bed.

    Here we are on Saturday. I still can’t taste. Fever is gone. Still congested in the head and chest (cough still hanging around). My smell isn’t great either. I don’t seem to be as fatigued, but I am trying to not move around as much as I did yesterday.

    All in all, this sucks. I haven’t been this sick in quite some time. I am so very thankful for vaccines as I would hate to think how much worse this would be if I wasn’t vaccinated.

    Time to take a break and get more rest. Writing has zapped some of my energy.

    Stay safe out there. Wear your mask. Keep washing your hands.

    COVID sucks ass. That is all.

  • Weighted

    I’ve gained weight. Gone up 4 sizes as a matter of fact.

    It’s happened over the past few years.

    As part of my journey to self acceptance, I’ve struggled with this extra weight on my body.

    Societal issues with body image has done a number on my head, and it hasn’t been easy accepting where I am at right now.

    Being gentle with myself isn’t easy. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my body.

    Mentally, it’s even worse. Having been in an emotionally abusive long term relationship does a number on you. Seeing rolls meant I would come under fire. But being “skinny” meant I was also a target for other men’s attention. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Always under fire, always on alert.

    That has stuck with me for a very long time.

    I have been thankful lately to the body positivity movement for shifting the narrative.

    Shifting my narrative is going to take some time. Acknowledging that my body is a power house is my first step. I’ve harboured a human life in this body. I’ve run half marathons with this body. I am surviving a pandemic with this body. I will continue to do great things with this body, no matter what.

    Instead of trying to “get back to where I was”, I am working with what I have. I still run, I still workout. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I am focused on staying strong and healthy.

    Starting now, I am treating my body with kindness instead of disdain. It deserves kindness, and I deserve kindness, especially after all these years thinking I HAD to look a certain way to be accepted.

    I may not be a “perfect 10”, but goddammit I am a “perfect 14”.

  • So Done

    Full of fatigue.

    Lacking motivation.

    Fighting my depression.

    Navigating this pandemic.

    I’m so done. Done with feeling like I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling.

    I go in circles. A time where I’m feeling good and think I have everything under some semblance of control. I can handle a lot of things I cannot during a period of depression. I thrive during these times. Then comes the depression and I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my thought process. Everything I do is wrong.

    This pandemic has made my depression periods more frequent, but in brief spurts and they hit me like truck. My circles become more chaotic and the times between my thrive and slump get shorter. I’m fighting against a strong undertow and it exhausts me.

    I know this is drilled down to exceptional circumstances. I know this pandemic is affecting me in ways I can’t control. I’m facing this every day, this lack of control.

    I try and step back, to see what is the underlying fear, and how can I work with that to move forward. It’s not easy, and sometimes there is no working with it. It is fear, and I need to feel it.

    I recently found out I was at a COVID exposure site, and had to self isolate while waiting to get a test and the results. I was scared the whole time. One trip to pick up my lunch may have landed me in viral swamp, putting others at risk as well.

    During that time, I couldn’t run. My coping mechanism was off limits. There were other ways of working out, but running lets me unwind in a different way. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but the ability to lace up is still my number one way to solve the overthinking brain.

    Thankfully my test results were negative and I could het back to “normal”.

    I am also lucky that I was able to book my vaccine, and I go in 10 days.

    I am very lucky, and I acknowledge that.

    I am just done with all of it. The pandemic, the damage and heartache it has caused, the fighting with my mental illness, watching people disrespect public health orders, all of it.

    I am done.

    But I will live to fight another day.

    I am lucky. So many others are not.

    I wish you love, health, and happiness.

    Stay safe.

  • I Just Don’t Know Anymore

    I have had to stop asking myself “What will today bring?”

    The past few months have had it’s bad, and it’s good.

    The world is still in a pandemic and my neighbours to the South are imploding.

    I am glad the big orange cheeto is on his way out the door, but holy moly guys. I mean, I am not saying that couldn’t happen here, because it sure as well could. The world is just becoming freaking scary.

    Every day brings with it more of the unknown, and I already have a problem with my OWN unknown. If I could sleep through all of it and wake up on the other side I probably would. But, I can’t, so I maneuver my daily mental illness around whatever the chaos de jour is and hope I don’t implode.

    I am trying yoga again, and hoping that leads to running more consistently. My flexibility and balance need a lot of work. I am pretty tight, so keeping up with the yoga WHILE I am consistently running will be key. I just need to keep moving to relieve my stress and anxiety.

    Sleep? Now there is an area I do not have a problem in right now. My depression keeps me sleeping like a log. I guess I am thankful for that, because if I didn’t have my sleep it would not be good.

    I know I usually do a post ushering out the old year and one post ushering in the new, but the whole pandemic and what not have really frigged with my brain this year and I just couldn’t.

    I am not on the negative train here. I am just so overwhelmed and out of whack with all the turmoil that I am guarding all my joy. I am keeping it tucked away and peek at it when I really need it.

    I will be sharing some joy, I promise. It’s just going to take a while for me to let my guard down.

    Hang on. We can get through all of this.

    Just, hang on.

    Breathe.

  • The Cold, The Covid Test, and My Anxiety

    This week was a little stressful.

    I woke up on Monday morning with a chest cold and a cough.

    I took the online Covid assessment of my local health authority and was advised to get tested for Covid.

    I booked my test online and was lucky to get an appointment that morning, within 2 hours of the assessment.

    I told my daughter, which was a little scary, and get myself ready to go.

    I got to the assessment centre and checked in. I was assigned a number and given a socially distanced seat to sit in. I was registered and into the testing pod in 5 minutes. The health practitioner who was going to administer my test was very nice, explained the test and showed me the swab. The swab was teeny, so I relaxed a bit. He then made a joke about amnesia and we had a good laugh. It definitely broke the tension.

    The test took about 3 seconds. It was a little uncomfortable, but not as bad as I thought.

    I was told it could take up to 3 days for my results. I was let go and followed the path out, sanitized my hands and went back out to my car.

    I read the pamphlet I was given on self isolation and went directly home. I had to avoid common areas and choose which bathroom to use until my results came in.

    Luckily, my home office is in my bedroom, and I hunkered down to work. (My daughter got ready and went to work as well. She works retail, so she checked in to make sure she was okay to go in, and away she went.)

    It was very hard to focus while I was waiting for my results. I had supper delivered to my room by my daughter and had to announce every time I left my room.

    I slept, which was surprising.

    When I woke up Tuesday, the first thing I did was check my email. My results were in!

    I logged in with my health card. The results were NEGATIVE.

    I was so happy. I let my family members know and

    I immediately sent an email to work to let them know and to advise I would work from home until I was better.

    My self isolation was short lived, but I still had the stinking cold.

    Thankful that is wasn’t Covid, I worked from home (with some time off to get rest) for the rest of the week.

    Then, the cases started to rise and the places of possible exposures started to increase.

    My anxieties were on the rise again, and the thought of going back into lockdown ate at me. My psoriasis got worse. I started chewing the skin around my nails again. Sigh.

    I live in the Atlantic Bubble. We’ve done so good up until now. Our mandatory masking and the travel only within our 4 provinces seemed to keep us safely wrapped in a low cases blanket. Our restrictions in my area have been tightened up for the next 4 weeks to see if we can get things under control. If not, I fear we’ll be back into another lockdown around Christmas.

    For now, I am going out only when I need to and follow the public health protocols to keep those around me safe.

    For now, I’ll keep myself busy with crocheting and housework to slow the anxieties.

    For now, I’ll hope for a Covid free Christmas.

    For now, I’ll hope you’ll all stay safe and healthy.

    Take care of yourselves my friends.

  • Absent, to be Present

    I’m on a bit of a social media break (which will be ironic, because I’ll be posting this on social media, lol) so I can be present and show up in my life.

    I’ve been absent for quite some time. Detached from things since COVID-19 reared it’s ugly head. Been living in fight or flight for far too long. So I am taking a step back for a couple of weeks to readjust and be with my family, and getting used to physically being back in the office full time.

    I am sitting back, watching, listening and learning. I am reconnecting with myself during this little disconnect. It’s good for mind and body.

    I need this. Being distracted and not focused is not good for my brain. I need direction and goals to work towards, and I’ve lost that.

    I may be doing these little breaks more often, to stay engaged and aware. I think we all need a disconnect every now and then.

    So, the next couple of weeks will be my reset, then I am going on vacation. I plan on taking lots of videos and pictures to share, so stay tuned.

    Until then I am channeling my energy to the things that matter most, to me.

    Ciao!

  • These Precious Illusions

    It’s hard to keep smiling these days. I do my best to find something in each day that makes me happy, or gives me a smile.

    I am lucky to have my daughter living with me during this surreal time. We make each other laugh, and are there for each other when things are not so funny.

    I’d like to think this whole pandemic will be over sooner rather than later.

    Illusions of summer drives, family gatherings, vacations, going to Farmers Markets and being able to just enjoy waterfront walks constantly fill my head.

    Reality on the other hand, bites.

    I am slowly getting used to working at home. Having the opportunity to do so is something I am extremely grateful for during these times, but doing it every single day without human contact with my team and colleagues is challenging.

    I ordered a chair which should get to me by early May, as I am now sitting on a dining room chair at my desk. My daily breaks are news pressers.

    I know I should take a break from the news, but it’s wanting to be in the know that keeps me partially sane. Weird, I know. You’d think that I would want to shield myself to keep my mental health stable.

    I hang on to what I can control right now, in a world out of control.

    Times have changed. It’s like living in a nightmare .

    So, I keep day dreaming of better days. Keeping those precious illusions close.