The Midlife Reframe

Category: get to know me

  • Shedding Those Insecurities

    It’s not easy.

    I am having a hard time letting go of the insecurities that keep holding me back.

    They’re like a warm blanket I am afraid to take off in the winter. Knowing I will be cold and vulnerable after the cover comes off.

    It’s making me feel restless, like I want to jump out of my body.

    Owning these insecurities is a big deal, and letting them go will make a big difference in me moving forward.

    The fear remains though, and that’s something I am working towards. Finding out how to confront that fear so I can get over the hurdle.

    It’s time to dig a bit deeper, and see what my fear is trying to stop me from becoming.

    It’s time to be vulnerable and gentle with myself.

    Leaving feelings and obstacles in the past isn’t easy, but I need to keep pushing forward to get out of this brain fog and discover those hidden parts of myself that are aching to get out.

    I knew this wouldn’t be an easy journey.

    Learning isn’t always straight path, and this curve has been difficult.

    I’ll continue to make the turn, and see where it leads me.

    First, let’s face my fear, and prepare for the next bend in the road.

  • It’s My “Anniversary”!!! Sort of……

     

    So here we are.

    June.

    My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.

    I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons.  One being:  I have learned so much.  Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.

    I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).

    I know my limits.

    I know when to say no.

    I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.

    It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”.  You need to be in that space to put it out there.  I have no problem sharing my experiences.   Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice.  I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently.  I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”.  Because that does not help.  At all.  Shut down.

    Every person experiences this illness differently.  Copes with it differently.  Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.

    The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.

    This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.

    My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month.  Another shift in my time/space continuum.  Our dynamic will change again.  I have been mulling this over in my  head, probably more than I should, and even though  I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.

    I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉  She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay.  She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.

    I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11.  It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂

    So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!

    I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.

    One thing that won’t change:  Running 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Our "Last Year of School"

    Class of 2017

    It seems like just yesterday I was getting TeenThing ready for Primary.

    This year, she is graduating from High School.  On September 8th, she starts Grade 12.

    Vacation Dessert = Happy TeenThing
    We’ve been through a lot throughout her school career.  Intense conversations with teachers, moving from one part of the city to another, toxic friends, her mom’s trip down the rabbit hole, etc.
    With “the odds” stacked against me as a single parent, I must say that all in all, I’ve kicked some parenting ass.  I mean, if you look at all the old “stats” out there, my kid should be a hot mess.

    But she’s not.  Why?  Because I was involved in her life.  I asked questions.  I left her to be who she wanted to be.  I didn’t force her down a path she was not comfortable traveling on.
    Did I guide her where I could?  Yes.
    Were there yelling and tears?  Yes.

    Did I sacrifice a lot?  Yes.

    Was it worth it?  You’re goddamn right it was.  I passed up quite a bit over the years, but to have her turn out the way she is, right now, it’s the greatest reward as a parent.  Even more so because I did it on my own, with a fantastic support system.

    I wouldn’t change a thing really.

    Now to navigate our way through this last year with Graduation photos, parent meetings, Prom, Graduation ceremonies, Graduation Trip planning, and trying not to go bankrupt in the process, lol.
    (Side Note:  Back to running this week.  Slow but sluggish progress to get my kilometres back.  Happy to be able to get back out there!)
    Happy Back to School Everyone!


  • Confessions of a Social (Anxiety Filled) Introvert

    Sounds Funny Right?

    I love being out around people.

    Sometimes.

    I know that my mental illness contributes to my “I can’t people” moments.  I’ve learned that is just a part of who I am now, and that’s okay.

    I had a really bad anxiety filled “OMG I am going to be out in a group on the open water” moment Friday night.  This was right before my 2nd sea kayaking adventure at East Coast Outfitters on Saturday.  Now, I absolutely LOVE this activity.  Like LOVE LOVE.  But I had this “how can I get out if it” moment that I had to sit down and talk myself out of.

    It is always worth it in the end, going out and doing something I love.

     

    Happy Me.  I have awesome friends.

    The struggle is real.  REAL.  So, to show you the weirdness that is me, here are some of my confessions:

    1.  I get the heebie jeebies just about every morning on the bus.  Especially if it is full.  I have to listen to my meditation app, a podcast, or turn up my music and try to make myself small so no one is touching me. I only talk if it is necessary, like if the bus is on fire.
    2.  I love people watching, just sitting out amongst the everyday hustle and bustle, but being in a large crowd turns me into a flight risk on occasion.  The “world is closing in on me” feeling sneaks up and turns me into a panic stricken ball looking for the nearest way out.
    3.  I get excited to make plans with my friends to do something AWESOME.  About 4 to 24 hours after the fact, my brain hijacks my heart and starts to plan an escape route. 
    4.  I can work a party like a rockstar, once I’ve had time to analyze the room. If there are too many “in my face people”, I start to plan my stealth, ninja-like, exit.
    5.  I love being in crowds and meeting new people.  Depending on my level of social energy, you may get the low down of who I am and what I stand for, or you just get the Cole’s Notes version of me.
    6.  I may want to spend every weekend out and about, but that drains the fun out of me.  There are days I don’t leave the apartment, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  Silence and a reboot are what I need.

    In the right environment, I will flourish.  I just need to be with the right energy.

    So, if I seem a little “stand offish”, I’m not.  I’m just feeling you (and my surroundings) out.

    @crazymamaruns

  • When Anxiety Comes Knocking….

    You Put On Your Best Face

    Okay, maybe not THIS face, lol.

    Because we, the mentally ill, it’s what we do.  Until we can’t.

    Last week was bad for me.
    My anxiety was bad.  It started on Monday.
    I woke up with it, like the bottom fell out of my stomach.  There was no reason for it.  It’s just how I started the day.
    Then, for me, everything and everyone around me changes.  I feel like I am under the microscope.  Being examined.  Secretly criticized.
    I bury myself in work, and hope that I can just get through the day without an attack.  Most times, when I get home I am good.  Home is safe.  Home has no people (well, other than TeenThing, lol). 
    I am lucky to have drugs that I can take to calm the racing heartbeat and panic.  It was used a few times this week.

    After Wednesday I was better, and by Friday I was okay.  But on Friday, I crashed.  So tired.  Tired from keeping my head above water.  It’s exhausting fighting that battle every day, working, and being a mom.
    Why do I NOT say anything sometimes?  I don’t want to worry anyone.  Funny isn’t it.  I am worrying about others worrying about me.  Guess where THAT put my anxiety, DEFCON 1.  If what I was feeling lasted longer, I would have said something.  Sometimes, I am also tired of explaining what I can’t explain.  So I keep it to myself.  Sometimes, THAT is my coping mechanism.
    It’s not that I don’t want to share it with those that care about me, it’s that sometimes sharing it is overwhelming.  

    I am happy to say that I am feeling much better now.  Fitness works well for me as a way to create balance.  I was not as vigilant with it last week as I should have been.  Movement is medicine (thanks Clara Hughes!) and I needed more movement.

    One Month Away From The Half Marathon?

    Yes, one month away!

    I was discharged from physio last week (YAAAAAAY).

    I also switched my gym membership to a spot closer to home.  I have some major ass kicking to do.
    I did get out on the trails here last week, and that felt amazing.

    (I have my base laid down for my running, so I am lucky there.  This whole calf strain had me worried for a bit.)
    I am planning some HIIT classes, some spin, weight training and some pool time until Race Day to complement my running.  
    I am glad to be running with my BRF again.
    I have TeenThing to gym it with me.
    A new week ahead means a chance to start fresh.
    Time to Giv’r.

  • Why is my FitBit on my Dresser??

    Yes. On my Dresser.

     
    Those who saw my personal account post on Facebook know where I am going with this.
     
    My FitBit was a Christmas Gift.  I was super excited!!! Finally, I had a fitness tracker.
     
    The joy of watching my steps per day – awesome.
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    I would be so happy when the lights danced and it did it’s special little vibration. 

    Like a party on my wrist!  Plus, it could track my sleep AND wake me up!!

     
    Then, I had my knee surgery.
     
    Went off my anti-depressants/anxiety meds.
     
    My FitBit went from a device that I loved, to the “evil bitch” voice in my head.
     

    “Wow, look at his/her steps.”  

    “Why can’t you get that many steps?” 

    “Look, another challenge and your FitBit isn’t syncing your goal and steps over goal.”  

    “What are you doing wrong?”

     
    Basically, a Broken Record
     
    And so, I decided that for the month of May, I am going FitBit free.
     
    I posted it on Facebook, so that there would be some accountability.  A fellow FitBit lover questioned it, and because my anxiety was close to consuming me, I felt I had to respond.  It may have been a little over the top, but I wanted people to know that sometimes, having a mental illness can suck the fun out of fun stuff:
     
    “I’m not saying it isn’t great motivation, but when you have  a mental illness, and you are working on dealing with that med free, it becomes a problem. Part of my mental illness is obsessive thinking.  If I “think” something is wrong or “needs to be fixed”, I won’t stop until I think it is fixed.  I don’t necessarily NEED motivation to move, I’m a runner, albeit an injured one.  Instead of focusing on my strength training, I worry about steps.  Because it’s there, every day.  If my app syncs but my challenges don’t update, I obsess, syncing and syncing and freaking out when it doesn’t work.  THAT is not good for my mental health, which is a large part of MY motivation to move.  So for now, while I am in rehab mode from the surgery and strength training, no FitBit.  Until I can wear it and not “hear a skipping record that won’t shut off”, it will stay on my dresser.  I want to love my FitBit, not hate it.”
     
    So, will I wear it again?
     
    Yes.  No doubt in my mind.
     
    I will wear it when I know (and am comfortable with) the fact that I may or may NOT hit 10,000 steps a day.  
     
    When my steps do not define my day or myself.
     

    When the record stops skipping.

     
    #crazymamaruns

  • I Mustache You A Question……

    So I was nominated by my Twitter runner bud Rod over at Runnersmythos to answer these 12 questions so that ya’ll can learn some more about little ole ME!

    Here we go, hang on for dear life!

    1. Four names that people call me, other than my real name:

    • Mom – well this one is obvious.  I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter 🙂
    • Auntie – another obvious one.  I have two awesome nieces!
    • Aim/Amz/Aimz – when you thought you couldn’t shorten Amy, you can 😉
    • Whiskers – this was a nickname given to me in junior high by my friend Ernie Wasson.  I had a large sweatshirt with a pink cat face on it.  He called me that for the remainder of my time back in Oromocto.

    2. Four jobs I have had:

    • Candy Concession Stand Chick – I worked at the Famous Players Theatre in Penhorn Mall during Grades 11 and 12.
    • Legal Secretary – I worked at one firm for 4.5 years before I got pregnant.
    • IT Helpdesk Support – I went back to school to obtain my Network Internet Support Specialist (Microsoft Stream) Diploma when my daughter was 3 and landed a job right out of school at a law firm in their IT Department.
    • Paralegal/Litigation Support – I left IT in that firm to become a Paralegal in their Litigation Department, it was there that I transitioned to a Litigation Application Specialist role.  (I left that firm after 6 years and went to the firm I currently work at where I am a Litigation Support Paralegal and part of a great team!)

     3. Four movies that I have watched more than once:

    • Star Wars Trilogy – I mean come on, you HAVE to watch these over and over!
    • Back to the Future Trilogy – These are just awesome, enough said.
    • Grease – My mom and dad had the album and I listened to it religiously.  When my mom took me to see the movie in the theatre, I sang EVERY SONG.  lol
    • The Exorcist – Because I love to scare the living crap out of myself and sleep with the bible under my pillow for a week after I watch it.

    4. Four Books I recommend:  I have so many more than 4, because I LOVE to read, but I pick these…

    • The Book Thief – Because it is narrated by Death.
    • Under The Dome – Stephen King.  Need I say more?  I love how he dives into human nature and the whole “what would people really be like in this situation?”.
    • Gone Girl – I could not put that book down.
    • The Game of Thrones Series – I started reading these when I was diagnosed with depression.  It really helped me escape and relax.

     5. Four places I have lived:  (My dad was a Military Policeman, so we moved around a bit)

    • Baldy Hughes, British Columbia – This was a Canadian Forces Station – a Radar Base.  In the middle of NOWHERE.  We lived in a barrack block that had been split into “apartments”. (This is now home to the Baldy Hughes Therapeutic Community)
    • Oromocto, New Brunswick – I was born here, and we were posted back to CFB Gagetown when I was a teen (where I completed Grades 8-10 before we were posted to Halifax).
    • Summerside, Prince Edward Island – I started school here (Kindergarden to Grade 3), we did not live on base, but in the actual City of Summerside in the PMQs. 
    • Cornwallis, Nova Scotia – Where we were posted after Summerside.  I completed Grades 4-7 here. I love the Annapolis Valley. (This is now home to Cornwallis Park – a business park).

    I made some awesome friends through my travels.  But now I have this weird desire to move every 3-4 years.  It kind of stays with you.
     
     6. Four Places I have been:

    • St. John’s, Newfoundland – A business trip, but I saw it!
    • Orlando, Florida – Took my daughter to Disney in 2010 🙂  She was an awesome travel buddy, and we totally want to go back!
    • Punta Cana, Dominican Republic – My Greg and I went.  LOVE. Stayed at the Grand Bahia Principe.
    • Calgary, Alberta – I was there when I was really young, we went to the Zoo and the Tower.  That’s all I remember, lol.

      7. Four places I would rather be right now:

    • The Bahamas – Because it’s cold here now.
    • Hawaii – Because it’s cold here now.
    • Spain – Because SPAIN.
    • Scotland – Because my parents both have Scots in their backgrounds.

     8. Four things I don’t eat:

    • Brussel Sprouts – GAG
    • Liver – GAG
    • Caviar – GAG
    • Snails – GAG

     9. Four of my favourite foods:

    • Pizza – YUM.
    • Chocolate – I would swim in it if I could.
    • Coffee – Don’t mess with my caffeine intake…I will hurt you.
    • Peanut Butter – MMMMMMmmmmmmm 🙂

     10. Four TV Shows I watch(ed):

    • The X Files – Mulder and Scull were my peeps.
    • NCIS (the original) – I just love Gibbs, and Abby.
    • SOA – Hello, need I say more?
    • Salem – This is pretty cool so far.  Just watched Season One.

    11. Four things I am looking forward to in 2015:

    • MY SURGERY!!!!!!!!!!!
    • Running again.
    • Growing my yoga practice.
    • SUMMER!

     12. Four things I am always saying:

    • WHATEVER – Sometimes there is a name attached to it, depending on the situation.
    • Really? – Because I am a mom.
    • F Off – I have a potty mouth, sorry!  I do know when NOT to be a potty mouth, for real.
    • Because – usually attached to “I told you so”, “I said so”, and “I am the parent”.

    So, there you have it.  A little bit more about me.

    Thanks Rod for tagging me, this was really fun!

    #crazymamaruns