The Midlife Reframe

Category: fitfam

  • The Post Where We Catch Up!

    Because I’ve Been Busy…

    Busy at my 9-5ing. 
    Busy with family stuff.
    Busy helping TeenThing start her road to running 🙂

    Mom and TeenThing on her 2nd run!
    These feet were made for runnin’!

    Busy figuring everything out.
    I am on vacation this week and have spent the first part of this week keeping myself busy with appointments and crocheting (my sanity saver) and today I am taking time to rebuild home base.
    When you are sick with a mental illness, sometimes you need to sit back and reassess your coping skills.  Sometimes you develop habits that you think are your coping skills, but they’re not.  Mostly they are distractions.
    It’s hard to keep focused when the switch is flipped.  The one track mind that takes over is hard to derail.  It has a voice of it’s own.  An agenda of it’s own.
    Funny thing is, I know it’s happening.
    I can feel the cocoon that starts to wrap around me when my stress level rises. I fidget.  I need to do something with my hands…and not necessarily the task at hand.  I need to find an escape.  Something I can lose myself in.  Thankfully it isn’t drugs or alcohol.  It’s just plain old “what else can I be doing that isn’t what I really should be doing?”.  There are times I can pull back, and times that I can’t.

    But, you’re running.  Isn’t that helping?

    Yes.  Until I strained my calf.
    The intense NEED to run away from my stress, my illness……it was overwhelming.  I ran too much too fast.
    So much for running smart!  FACE PALM.
    *sigh*
    One of the good things about running with TeenThing is that she is keeping my pace and kilometres low.  This is allowing my calf to heal and is giving TeenThing a good start to this sport.  I love running with her.  She is doing great and knows when she can push herself and when she needs a break.

    Doesn’t all this unorganized chaos inside your head make it hard to keep moving forward?

    You are damn right it does.
    Some days I just want to sit down and cry, because I can’t get things straight.
    Some days my coping skills don’t help.  These are the days I want to escape.  But I can’t.  So I have to ride the roller coaster the best way I know how.  These are my hardest days.  Days that make me feel like I am treading water and someone has a hold of my feet. The days I do and say everything wrong.  The days that people look at me like “What the hell?”.  The days I can’t say “It is not a good day for me.”   Why can’t I say it?  Because people will see THAT always.  Not the focused, driven, has her shit together me.  They will always remember the chaotic, flustered, brain dead me.  The girl at the mall, or a store, that is trying desperately to GET OUT.  The thoughts, the people, the noise, all competing for space.  Space I do not have in my head.  Space that is taken up by all the negative energy that my mental illness manifests when I am not winning the daily fight.
    Days that I am not myself.
    Even with all of the talking, all of the wonderful people coming out and sharing their stories about their struggles, all of the focus on mental health, the campaigns, the awareness, there is still a stigma.  People that will still look at me different, not want to “upset” me.
    I don’t always feel comfortable saying I am having a bad day.  People hear “bad day” and associate it with “uh oh, is she having a breakdown?”.
    There is still so much more that needs to be done.  In the community, in the workplace, within media. More Mental Health First Aid needs to be rolled out.

    Why?  Can’t you just take meds or meditate?

    Sometimes meds just keep our heads above water.  They numb our feelings.  We need help on our bad days.  Not necessarily “hospital” help.  Just someone to say “Okay, let’s head out for a few minutes, grab a coffee, and tell me how you REALLY are.  Maybe we can figure something out.  Get you back on track.”  
    Sometimes this is all that is needed.
    I know we are all busy these days.  Deadlines, appointments, etc.  But sometimes, that 5-15 minutes can help someone.  Make them feel that they matter.  Make them feel that they are not going down the rabbit hole alone.  That there is someone there that cares.  Someone that sees what is underneath the chaos.  That will not focus on the “remember when you (insert a bad day here)”.
    NOTE: You can’t “fix” us.  We are the captain of this crazy train.  We know where the brakes are.  We just need to be guided.  We need to refocus.

    We are all human.

    We all have bad days.
    We all want to escape.
    We all want to be seen for who we really are.  Not what we “have”.
    So for now, I will rebuild home base.
    Run with TeenThing to build up our kilometre base.
    Set up future running dates with my BRF, because I miss her.
    Keep sharing my experiences when I can.  Keep the conversation going.
    Not all mental illness is “scary”.  
    A lot of us are just lost, confused, and need a hand to come out of the fog to lead us home.
    Don’t be afraid to be that hand.
    #crazymamaruns
     

     

     

  • The Post of Awkward Feet and Back to Running!

    Yes, BACK TO RUNNING!

    My Feet were VERY EXCITED to lace up 🙂  Happy Heart, Happy Soul!

    My first run took me around the Marsh.

    And by one of the ponds!



    I started running on Monday of this week, setting up a schedule to run M/W/F mornings and strength train on my off days.  Hauling my behind out of bed at 5:45 am to get dressed, feed the cats and haul ass out the door.

    Boy did it ever feel weird…..actually RUNNING.

    I mean, it’s been over a year now since I seriously logged some kms.

    I did run this time last year, but it was only for a couple of runs.  I was told NO RUNNING shortly after.  In hindsight, this was best as I was running with a piece of femur in my knee.  I mean, I knew it was there, but I had no idea how big it was at the time…..like 2cms big…..gah!

    I am wobbly as all get out.  Have no idea how to pace myself anymore (insert BIG sad face here).  I take walking breaks to try and keep a good pace because I speed up and sound like I am dying….huffing and puffing.  Sheesh.  Trying to find my feet again is like a baby learning to walk.  I remind myself to look UP and straight (I tend to look down at my leg…..worrying about my knee, it’s fine…..I am so paranoid right now!  lol).  I remind myself to keep my stride shorter so I don’t heel strike. 
    (And here I am telling people I run to clear my head…..that seems to be the last .7 kms of my run this week.)
    Probably quite the sight in my neck of the woods as the sun rises.  
    It’s good that I am running early in the morning where there is only me, the road/trail, some cyclists, dog walkers and the odd early morning runner. It keeps me motivated to keep going if there are not many people around my “running time” right now…hahaha.
    (It’s good for me AND for others, as ‘Flailing Amy’ is best kept to a low spectator count until she starts running with her BRF and finally gets a GPS watch 😉  )

    On Monday, I start all over again.  Maybe I will run the route in the opposite direction next week.  Strength training and yoga will be the fillers, maybe a Tuesday spin class.  Shake it up.  Keep it fun.
    If you want to keep track of my new flailing running adventures, I am on Strava (and with the Another Mother Runner Group – #BAMR!) and will follow you back.  I love this Kudos thing!
    The take away from this post is this:  I feel great.  My knee feels great.  I. AM. HAPPY.
    Stay tuned for further #RunningWithAmy awesomeness/random blogginess coming soon!!
    #crazymamaruns




     



  • The Post That is Brought to You by The Letter R

    Because Today……I RAN!!!!

    Yes.

    I ran.

    It is surreal.

    Best. Feeling. Ever.

    1.47kms at a 7:13km/hr pace in 10mins 38s

    It was a slow one.  Some walking was done.  But I DID IT.

    My body needed it.  My mind needed it.

    I signed up for the Terry Fox Run in September, BLT 5k Fun Run/Walk in October!

    Welcome back me.  Welcome back.

    #craxymamaruns

  • The Post Where I Need to Tell You Something…..

    But First….Migraines

    I had one of the most EVIL migraines in a very long time on Sunday.

    It was a very yucky Sunday
    It all started out with what I thought was a just a bad headache….but NO.  It turned on it’s hatred full strength.  Nausea, dry heaving, and all kinds of evil pain.  I had to take 2 of my migraine pills, which has not been the norm for quite some time.  There were many factors at play, but I had no idea they would culminate into superstorm PAIN.
    I am thankful for V, as she looked after her Mom and hung out in bed to keep me (silently) company.
    Needless to say, I am back to tracking triggers.

    Okay….so SPILL IT

    Well, as most of you know, I am able to start running in about a month.
    Joining me on my journey will be V.  She is going to be a big part of my return, as she will be keeping me on task.

    This will be great, not only because I can share what I love with my daughter, but because I am SCARED.

    Of what?

    Of hurting myself.  Of feeling pain.  Of hurting myself.


    V’s “new to the sport” status will allow me to start all over again.  Which is what I really need to do.  
    Slow and steady.  
    My body will want to “go go go”, but my goal for my “second chance” will be to do it right.  Proper form, proper fueling and a consistent gym schedule for strength training will be paramount in my comeback.  
    I have been a little obsessive with thoughts on fueling and the lot (thanks anxiety).  But taking a step back and focusing on keeping my body strong and my mind calm are important right now.
    Also, thinking about running with my BRB is keeping me on the positive train 🙂

    Before I go…..OMG LOOK, I AM FAMOUS!


    All kinds of awesome up in here!!


    That is me with some of my @RunAtCan crew and John Stanton during the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon Expo here in May.  Can’t tell you how awesome this makes me feel!

    Tomorrow is Canada Day here, so much fun will be had.  Happy 148th Canada!!

    Also, to my American friends, have a fantastic 4th of July this coming weekend!

    Party safely.  Party responsibly.

    Until next time…..

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • Strength Training, Sole Sisters Race, and Life in General

    And so it begins…

    My strength training has started back up.  My body is like…WHOA, what are this?
    I may have lifted a little too much this week, so I am going to have to rethink my upper body weights a little, lol.  Lower body weights are just right, and my legs feel good.  Getting some cardio in on the elliptical and rowing machine and working my core as well.

    Lunchtime workouts -> Stress relievers!!
    Having a gym in the office building is great!  It gets me away from my desk at lunch 😉

    And this weekend, we volunteered!

     

    This weekend was Sole Sisters Race.   This is a race I have yet to run, but after TeenThing and I volunteered yesterday, she is all up for running it with her mom next year! 
    It was a very wet, rainy and chilly day, but 3200 women came out to walk and/or run with their moms, sisters, daughters and friends for what was a sea of purple tutu awesomeness.
    Best part – the rain stopped before the race! 

    (Note: we had a bus debacle and got soaked walking to the event, lol)

    This tshirt is soooooo soft!

    Look at all these tutus!

    Thankfully the rain stopped!

    And the start line filled up FAST!

    Teen Thing and I working bag check!
    It was a great day and great turnout!  I also ran into one of my @RunAtCan peeps and took a group photo for her!  But…..we forgot to take a pic with each other, lol.
    They have added new distances for 2016.  If you are looking for a fun race to do with the ladies – check it out!!

    What else is shakin’?

    Well, I made it through the step down off my meds.  It was touch and go there for a while.  Some crappy stuff happened and I was able to deal with my newfound coping skills, so, all good!
    ** Not saying this is a “Woohoo my life will be med free” journey, because I am a realist, but for now I am okay.
    TeenThing has shown some interest in running, so since I am basically going to be starting over she is going to tag along 🙂  This is good, because it will keep me on a plan and not go bonkers when I lace up.
    So for now, that is what’s going down around here.

    My FitBit?

    I’m wearing it.  Not accepting any challenges.  Just seeing where it takes me.

    So tune in next week….I’ll be keeping you in the loop about all things #crazymamaruns!
     

  • Not Gonna Lie…I’ve Been a Slacker

    Yes, I’ve Been Absent…

     

    It’s not because I haven’t wanted to write, because I have a gazillion things in my brain, but a lot of life has gotten in the way.

    I have been flat out at work, and when I get home, I have enough in me to make supper, do “something” and then crash.

    Not a fantastic or ideal scenario, but as a single mom, sometimes this happens.

    That’s right….sometimes, life DOES get in the way!

    This has also affected my physical fitness, which means less yoga (but I was still doing my physio exercises – because my comeback is looming!).

    I noticed how much I was affected IN A BIG WAY when I went for my massage therapy last Friday.

    I haven’t had a massage in well over a year (bad Amy) and when I came out of that deep tissue massage, I was a different person.

    I didn’t hurt immediately.  But by 9pm, I was super sleepy and sore.  Not a bad sore, but a “holy-crap-I-was-so-tight-this-feels-weird” sore.

    We worked on my “running parts” – so everything from my lower back down was out of commission, lol.  It took a couple of days for everything to come back, but I can tell a difference for sure.  He also gave me some stretches which are making a big difference as well.

    So….when do you think you will be running again?

     

    I have been “cleared” for August.  And that was me saying “August is good, right?” to my PT.

    Not saying I won’t listen, but if I continue my strength training and start as a beginner, I am hoping to start a run/walk in July.  This is so I can include my daughter in my training and hopefully foster a love of running in her, as she has shown interest (woop!).

    What about the gym?

     

    This week has been a write off.  Two full day meeting with working lunches zapped me.  Small yoga shesh at home.  Wednesday was another day that I just had nothing and today, well I just wanted to get through today. 

    My “Meh” Wednesday Face…

    (TeenThing and I will be partaking in some sort of pilates/yoga/walk thing here shortly.)

    Are these excuses?  No.

    In my short past life as a personal trainer, I would have said yes.  But, being a human being managing her mental illness, these are not excuses.  Stress takes a toll and with the anxiety lurking, it can knock me down.  

    I know that, for me, I need to take a step back and meditate, relax and sleep.  Physical activity sometimes, is just not an option.  My brain needs the step down.  My body will bounce back quicker.

    What about your FitBit?

     

    I know you are all wondering about it.

    It is still on my dresser.

    Will I wear it again?  Yes.

    Next month?  Maybe.  We’ll see.

    Now that I can confidently say it doesn’t define me as person, I will be comfortable putting it back on.

    Comeback Race?

     

    Deciding.  Once I get a good solid running foundation under my belt, I will be able to book something confidently.

    I have some lined up.  So come back soon to see what I’ve got up my sleeve!

    #crazymamaruns

  • BlueNose Marathon Weekend 2015 Expo with #RunAtCan – #Giver!

    A Long Weekend Calls for a Race

    And here in Halifax, the “May 2-4” Weekend is the BlueNose Marathon Race Weekend!
    This was my very first race as a runner, so I am a little biased as to it’s awesomeness.

    I did this on a whim – and haven’t looked back.
    Halifax is hilly, so if you want a flat race, you won’t get that here!  Just check out #BNMarathon2015 or @BlueNoseMarathon to see pics 🙂
    I could not race this year, as I am only cleared to run in August, so I hopped on the Volunteer train and signed up to hand out the bling!

     

     

     

    Race Expo

    This year I was able to hang out with some of my super awesome Twitter fam at the Expo.  The Twitter Group @RunAtCan had a panel discussion on Social Media and Running.  The panel was great at sharing their experiences, their views on Social Media and what platform they found useful to connect with other runners.

    Left to Right: Andrew Paris, Anna Sherwood, Andrew Chak and Paul Merrigan
    Our Sunday Night #RunAtCan Twitter chats have grown from a small Atlantic Canadian group to folks from all over North America and beyond!  The #RunAtCan community is one I am proud to be a member of.  We have created a family, and I am very lucky to call these people my friends.

    Group Shot with John Stanton 🙂  With Charlotte Flewelling and Durwin Brennan peeking out in the back.

    Vancouver MARATHON Finisher Nicola!  Wheeeeeee!

    Photobombed by that Paul Merrigan while getting a shot with Renee!

    The awesome Krysten 🙂

    The running community is amazing.  When I first started to run, I had no idea that there was this giant family of runners out there.  No matter what level you are at, there are always runners there to give you encouragement, advice and accolades.

    Race Day

    I was up a 5:15am.  And there was SOME light.  Forecast was calling for 60% chance of showers.

    Layering up – it was a little chilly!

    Arrived at the Scotiabank Centre for my shift and took a few quick shots of the runners heading up to the Start Line.

    And….

    Here they come!

    Look – my hand!  lol  And a little bit of rain…that’s Team Myles going up Carmichael!


     

    You will definitely get an arm workout giving out the bling.  Some wicked bicep curls were going on for sure 😉  I worked with a fantastic group of people.  We cheered folks in and helped out some Marathoners walk down the hill into the Scotiabank Centre….yes, down the hill.  It rained a little bit at the start of the main races, but held off for the remainder!  Yay!

    I was able to give SO MANY of my friends their medals, and I was able to meet SO MANY Twitter peeps!


    Steph – YOU ROCK!
    I have said it before, and I will say it again, if you have the chance VOLUNTEER!  You get to see the “inner workings” of a race and you get to give back to the running community.
    Next year, I am running the BlueNose, and I am hoping to PB for the half (2:10 is my time to beat).  
    To everyone that ran today, you all did AMAZING!  Congrats 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • Why is my FitBit on my Dresser??

    Yes. On my Dresser.

     
    Those who saw my personal account post on Facebook know where I am going with this.
     
    My FitBit was a Christmas Gift.  I was super excited!!! Finally, I had a fitness tracker.
     
    The joy of watching my steps per day – awesome.
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    I would be so happy when the lights danced and it did it’s special little vibration. 

    Like a party on my wrist!  Plus, it could track my sleep AND wake me up!!

     
    Then, I had my knee surgery.
     
    Went off my anti-depressants/anxiety meds.
     
    My FitBit went from a device that I loved, to the “evil bitch” voice in my head.
     

    “Wow, look at his/her steps.”  

    “Why can’t you get that many steps?” 

    “Look, another challenge and your FitBit isn’t syncing your goal and steps over goal.”  

    “What are you doing wrong?”

     
    Basically, a Broken Record
     
    And so, I decided that for the month of May, I am going FitBit free.
     
    I posted it on Facebook, so that there would be some accountability.  A fellow FitBit lover questioned it, and because my anxiety was close to consuming me, I felt I had to respond.  It may have been a little over the top, but I wanted people to know that sometimes, having a mental illness can suck the fun out of fun stuff:
     
    “I’m not saying it isn’t great motivation, but when you have  a mental illness, and you are working on dealing with that med free, it becomes a problem. Part of my mental illness is obsessive thinking.  If I “think” something is wrong or “needs to be fixed”, I won’t stop until I think it is fixed.  I don’t necessarily NEED motivation to move, I’m a runner, albeit an injured one.  Instead of focusing on my strength training, I worry about steps.  Because it’s there, every day.  If my app syncs but my challenges don’t update, I obsess, syncing and syncing and freaking out when it doesn’t work.  THAT is not good for my mental health, which is a large part of MY motivation to move.  So for now, while I am in rehab mode from the surgery and strength training, no FitBit.  Until I can wear it and not “hear a skipping record that won’t shut off”, it will stay on my dresser.  I want to love my FitBit, not hate it.”
     
    So, will I wear it again?
     
    Yes.  No doubt in my mind.
     
    I will wear it when I know (and am comfortable with) the fact that I may or may NOT hit 10,000 steps a day.  
     
    When my steps do not define my day or myself.
     

    When the record stops skipping.

     
    #crazymamaruns

  • Weight of the World….

    And Why It Reminds Me to Refocus

    I carry a lot on my shoulders.  Some of it is placed there by me.

    I over think everything, obsessively.

    Not being able to control my environment throws me into a tailspin sometimes.

    So, until I am cleared to run (my ultimate stress reliever), I’ve been walking and packing my gym bag to shake off everything that has been weighing me down.  Also, a heavy rotation of Silva Meditation. 

    The elliptical is kinda like running!

    Like a lot of moms, I place unrealistic expectations on myself.  I am probably my most harshest critic. 

    We carry way too much, and need to give ourselves a break.  We CAN’T do it all.  And we should NOT feel bad about that.

    Being able to workout gives me peace of mind and reminds me that I need to take care of myself!

    Aren’t you sore from just jumping back in?

    Heck ya!  Everything HURTS.  I am jonesing to run, so taking on the elliptical and rowing machine are my replacement…lol.  Hoping to have my strength training plan written up shortly so I can put it into rotation this week.

    Physio?

    It’s going great!  I have started weight bearing exercises with my right leg, so we are making great progress.

    Yoga?

    Soooooooon.  Once I get the “yes, you can REALLY single leg weight bear” from Joel, look out!  LOL.  I really really really miss my hot yoga.

    What’s on tap for this week?

    Work (duh).

    My usual Physio Appointments Tuesday and Thursday.

    The last of the #JustPlankIt challenge.

    This is killing me, but the brownie today helped, lol.

    Gym time, and my walks.

    So, if you are hooked up with MapMyWalk, let me know!  I just started tracking my walks…….yesterday, lol.

    #crazymamaruns



     

  • It’s Like Withdrawal

    Even With a Step Down Plan…

    It’s been a roller coaster ride.
    I had tweeted how ALIVE I felt on Monday.
    Alive.
    Maybe too much.
    Going from feeling pretty much level to the point of becoming numb to dealing with the influx of feelings has been hard.  My brain is trying to “rewire” itself after letting medication do it for so long.  Giving me the big WTF.
    Keeping things in focus has been a challenge.  Trying to remain on task has been hard.
    I want to laugh, cry, and punch someone.
    I know right?
    And yet, I am thankful for it.
    (I know what you are thinking – you’re THANKFUL for your mental illness?  THANKFUL for coming off the drugs and feeling overwhelmed?)

    Yes (I haven’t been to India, lol, but this song really sums things up).
    Because even with all the hard parts, I am now remembering how it feels to be passionate, engaged, hopeful.
    It’s a struggle, even on my best days.  Those around me probably often wonder “What the WHAT?” as I flounder through my day.  But they let me flounder, knowing that I will own up to my obsessive thinking and back up the bus if told.
    I am hoping to get an update on physio if there is an actual ETA on when I can run again so I have something to focus on and work towards.
    I try and pick small things daily to focus on, hence all my planks, lol.

     

    Keeping my core strong will come in handy big time when I get back to running.  Also with the yoga and workouts I am able to do right now I am keeping my upper body strength in check.

    Strong core and a strong upper body can help me push through even when my legs may not want to.

    They come in handy on hills!



    I am still real about it…

    Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I am “healed”.  I know that there may be a chance that I will need help, that I may not be able to “do it all” on my own.

    My support system rocks, and I know at times they are overwhelmed as well.

    So, I want to say thank you to you.  Those of you who are with me every day.  Who work with me, live with me, hang out with me, and love me.

    Thank you as well to my online family.  You are there no matter what time of day I vent, even at 2:00am.  Advantages of Twitter, lol.

    To those who are still not sure about sharing their mental illness, know that you are not alone.  Those of us who speak out feel just like you do.
    Hang in there.
    I am 🙂

    #crazymamaruns