The Midlife Reframe

Category: changes

  • Week 1 Estalis Update

    Week 1.

    I put my third patch of Estalis on this morning. I had to remove the circles of adhesive fluff on my abdomen….kinda looked like eyes, lol.

    I can say that I haven’t had AS MANY hot flashes this week.

    I’m not as ready to “throw hands” at any minor inconvenience.

    Still a bit of brain fog. I do fins that I am starting to form my thoughts better and articulate what I am thinking.

    Night sweats are still sweating, but not as intense. I still have a fan at the bedside.

    Sleep is still a crap shoot, but I want to say that it seems to be okay most evenings.

    Time is going to tell….but so far I am doing well and pleased with my decision.

    If things change and I end up not having a great time, I know that I can head back to the doc and we can explore other options.

    Stay tuned for next weekend’s update!

  • This Phase of Life is Stupid

    See that smile?

    I’m not smiling now. I’m awake and it’s 1:55 am.

    I went to sleep at 10:00 pm.

    Been awake for an hour. I am so tired, but I can’t sleep.

    Even as I am typing this, I am yawning.

    I remember being told 8 gazillion things about the upcoming changes in my life when I was in health class in elementary school.

    No one prepares you for the changes that come later in life.

    And your options are limited.

    I am starting to read The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter, because I need some answers/guidance/relief.

    I’ve been reading Menopause/Perimenopause posts on Reddit.

    I’m commiserating with other women, and you know what?

    We’re all tired.

    This phase of life IS stupid.

    There needs to be more research…more doctors who do not say “Oh well, that’s the stage of life you’re in”.

    Because if men had to go through this, you bet the uproar would produce results.

    But instead, us “hormonal” women will continue to suffer…out loud…

    Screaming into the void.

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • Don’t Come At Me With Your “Diets“

    Or your cleanses. Or your meal plans. Or your supplements.

    I’ve tried lots of things for my body over the years. I’ve also not given my body the respect it deserves. I’ve treated it badly and denied it what it needs to sustain me.

    Even during training for races, I know I haven’t eaten enough. I was too worried about “getting bigger”, instead of worrying about “am I fuelling my body correctly?”

    I really realized during the pandemic how much I was neglecting giving my body the nutrients and calories it needed to keep me going. I was tired, bogged down, and just plan flatlining with everything I was doing.

    Am I bigger now? Yes. Do I really care? No. Can I still be active? Yes.

    I know that I am healthy. I do not have a medical condition that requires any special diets, like celiac or diabetes. I am very lucky.

    It’s time to start taking care of me in a way that’s GOOD for me. No more stressing over calories. Eating good food and moving is what is important.

    Don’t say I need a cleanse…your liver does that for you. Don’t say I need a specific fitness diet…I am not a pro athlete. Don’t say I need supplements…because I don’t.

    If I am not feeling right, I see my doctor, we get bloodwork done and she will tell me what I need to do to get back on track. If it is nutrition we need to work on, she can refer me to someone.

    I’m done neglecting and disrespecting my body. I eat for me and I move for me.

    I know what works for my body, and I am driving this machine. I know what’s good for it.

    Let me navigate this road as I see fit, for me.

  • Changes

    “I’m going through changes”. Ozzy Osbourne

    This week I uncovered some of my lost soul. The part I lost through my toxic marriage. I found my love of learning, my love of self discovery, and my desire to move forward.

    I have started reaching out to the universe. I have decided that I WANT to be seen. I am going to stop using certain words that will limit my self growth. I have learned that self protection is holding me back.

    This is a lot, and I know that with my mental illness it won’t always be easy to put myself out there, but I am going to try my hardest to be the woman I know is inside.

    I am reclaiming my power. The power I lost when I let someone take it from me. I let someone dictate who I was, how I looked, and what I did. I reclaimed a bit of it when I left that toxic relationship with my then infant daughter, but I never fully owned it again.

    I am owning it now.

    Recent events have made me realize just how resilient I am.

    Moving forward means shedding some skin, which will be uncomfortable. Growth is uncomfortable, but I am willing to take the risk.

    Am I scared? You’re fucking right I am.

    If I wasn’t scared it wouldn’t be real.

    One foot in front of the other.

    Here I go.

  • Digging Deep

    I am usually not a “word for my year” person per se.

    I have done it on occasion, to motivate myself and give some direction to my mindset.

    I have been sitting back and really doing some deep thinking these past couple of weeks.

    Then it hit me.

    That’s my word.

    Deep.

    I made a promise to myself that I would take better care of me this year. This will include digging deep and really connecting with myself and what I believe in.

    It may mean some changes, and that’s okay. Change can be scary (especially with a mental illness), and change can also be good.

    So stay tuned. I’ll probably be hashing out quite a bit in this space!

  • Body Image & Mental Illness

    (This post is about MY experience/struggle with body image and depression/anxiety.)

    See this picture?

    I posted it last week on my Facebook page.

    I have a love hate relationship with this photo, because the thing I see first, is my back bulges from the racer back running bra I am wearing.

    At first, I didn’t see the strong, resilient woman running to bring awareness to mental illness. It took me a day to make peace with this photograph, and to see the strong, resilient woman in it.

    I am now 47 with peri menopause staring me down.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body is changing and I am trying to find the magic solution (haha) to keep myself healthy (I am totally eating a slice of pizza as I write this) and to continue to feel good about myself.

    This is hard with a brain that chemically wants you to be miserable.  Really hard. It’s a fight both physically and mentally.  I can handle dealing with one, but dealing with both at the same time can be extremely overwhelming.

    I’ve struggled with body image before.  This isn’t my first time on the roller coaster.

    I was a personal trainer for a short period of time.  I know what needs to be done to get myself in the “feeling good” zone again.

    I just can’t get into a corner of the ring to take a few minutes to strategize my fight.

    Do I need to be “Skinny?”

    NO.

    Do I need to be healthy?

    YES.

    This is what I have made my peace with: I no longer care about “skinny”.  I can’t.  My brain will latch onto that and I will be back to bending over in the mirror to see how many rolls I have, start planning out my “fasting” moments, and I end up being skinny and NOT HEALTHY.  I’ve been skinny and not healthy quite a few times.  I’ve also been skinny and mentally ill AND not healthy.

    I need to be happy in the body I currently occupy.

    So, running will continue to happen (because it’s a great outlet for me), and I am starting another yoga practice in October for my mind as well as my body.  If I can keep this up for the month, then I can make it a healthy habit.

    Now, FOOD.  I love food, and I do not deprive myself of it.  At all.  I am choosing healthier options, but if I am craving some pizza, I  have some pizza (see earlier paragraph – I am eating some pizza…right now).  Food is fuel, and I need healthy fuel for my body.  But I also realize that I can indulge and it’s not BAD.  I no longer punish myself for eating.  Food is not a punishment or a reward for me.

    I think there is too much focus on weight loss and being “skinny”.  I think we need to encourage each other to start working towards feeling healthy, energized, and happy.  We all occupy a body that was made just for us.  We need to celebrate that.  I need to celebrate that.

    It’s time to get back to the folks that encourage me to work towards a happy, healthy me, no matter what size that is.

    Step 1: Moving every day is now a priority for me, whether it’s a run, a walk, or some yoga.  Just getting out and moving.  Clearing my mind and getting the heart rate up.

    Step 2: I am working towards healthy.

    In this body.

    Because it’s amazing.

    (Step 3: Let’s hope my brain comes around and stops being a jerk, eh?)

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you 🙂

    @scrmngin2thevoid