I realized today that it has been a while since I’ve posted.
Things are moving along. I am still in therapy. Learning a lot about myself.
My daughter is doing better. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we are navigating this together. She is struggling with what she wants to do with her life now that she’s aware of her diagnosis and what that means.
One step forward, two steps back. it’s a learning process for us both.
I think we are finally heading into Spring here on the East Coast of Canada. Hoping to see some double digit temperatures soon.
We signed up for a 5km race for the Bluenose Marathon next month, and we’ll see how that race goes. The struggle with our mental illnesses and getting moving has been real.
The winter months were hard this year. Usually I can power through them. This year however, all I wanted to do was hibernate. Glad they are over!
Our newest addition Eggs Benedict is still as feisty as he was the day we brought him home last summer. We think there may be some Siamese in him, but hard to confirm since he came from a hoarding situation. He is super loveable and adds much joy to our home.
For now, we keep soaking up the sunny days and give ourselves some grace when it’s needed.
Come back soon. I am full of words that are waiting to come out when I’m ready…..which will be in the next week.
So many great things about this season. The trees changing, the crisp air, and of course, Halloween!
I am getting closer to my 10k race in November. Looking forward to running with all my peeps in Team Myles 💚
For some reason though, I am full of anxiety. Like over the top full.
I can’t really discern the reason why. There really is no specific reason.
It’s like I want to jump out of my own skin. I’m restless. I’m full of the heebie jeebies.
It’s going to take some work to figure this one out.
As I ran on the weekend I did feel a little bit of relief. But that’s when the calf tightened up and I got some anxiety on top of the regular anxiety.
Sigh.
Having to face the anxiety is something I would like to avoid, but that won’t help me.
So it’s up to me to sit down and write this stuff out, and confront my saboteurs. They’re trying to tell me something, I just need to figure out what they think they’re protecting me from.
I ran my first race (a 10k) 3 weeks before I was diagnosed with depression. I was numb. I ran out of pure spite. I had no idea I was on the road to a breakdown. I thought this was just a finish line.
I never thought running would be the thing that saved me.
I used to watch people running and think “Why are they doing that to themselves?” Who would want to run by choice?
I thought runners were some weird breed of human that loved self torture. Maybe they are, but not in the negative way I thought before.
You see, my perspective changed…
I was diagnosed with depression on June 17, 2011. I had become a shell of my former self. I had been going through the motions, yelling at my daughter for no reason, and slowly retreating into the shadows.
When talking about a treatment plan, my doctor told me it was important that I keep moving. Moving was hard. Moving hurt. Getting out of bed was this insurmountable task. How could I keep moving when all I wanted to do was sleep and not get out of bed?
I kept working with a personal trainer for a while to get my mobility back (depression robs you of so much, even moving), and got out for walks with family and friends.
Eventually I started running again. Running felt good. When I ran, I could easily work through situations and events that were troubling me. Yes, those first few kilometres are killer, but the feeling afterwards, it’s definitely a rush. Runner’s high is real, and it’s a great motivator.
Running is a gauge for my mental health. When I start to lose interest, and when I don’t want to lace up, I know I am possibly beginning a journey down the rabbit hole again. Sometimes I can catch myself before I get too far down that rabbit hole, but there have been times that I am more than halfway down before I try to climb back up. It is those times that lacing back up and getting out is harder.
Starting over again is always hard, I won’t lie. Everything hurts and my brain is usually working against me. But once I get over the initial hurdle, I get that feeling again. The one where I feel free. Like I CAN get through the clouds and fog, and work through what it is that is holding me back.
I am very lucky to be a part of the running community. It is somewhere that I can lay out my soul and they are there to support me and love me through all my ups and downs. They are my cheerleaders when things get rough, and a board to bounce things off of when I am riding high.
When I am in my running groove, I feel like I can make it through anything. On my not so good days, a run can be just what I need to give myself that mental boost.
It’s not always that way, but even my bad runs are there to teach me something, and I try to find the lesson so I can move forward.
That is what running is for me, a way to keep moving forward, when depression keeps wanting to hold me back.
It is running that made me feel comfortable speaking about my mental illness. It was a running injury that started my blogging journey. It was my blogging journey that led me to using other forms of social media to share my story. We are not alone in our battle. We are a collective voice, and we are stronger than we think we are.
Running, it’s my way to feel unsinkable.
It’s not always easy.
It’s one foot in front of the other.
One step at a time.
We are capable of so much.
We just need to be kind to ourselves and remember our resilience.
As most of you know, I am taking this year off from racing. It wasn’t an easy decision and I went back and forth with it, until my body finally had enough, and yelled STOP!
I am staying away from everything race related this year (well, I’m going to try) because I just need to.
Do I miss it? Fuck yes.
I am usually nearing the end of a training cycle right now, as the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon (my usual spring half) is during our May long weekend.
It has been weird, BUT…
I have been working on my muscle imbalances.
I am getting the rest I really need, physically and mentally. When racing and training starts messing with your head, it’s time to step back.
I am still running, and it’s starting to become something I enjoy again (thanks to my awesome BRF).
I am slowly getting my weight training back into my schedule, and I am considering looking at some PT sessions this summer to amp this up.
I deleted my Garmin account (THE HORROR!) and I am using my Apple Watch to track my fitness.
AND: There are days I do nothing fitness related.
I admit that I was afraid of taking this year off.
I was soooo scared of what may happen (read: freaked that I may not run AT ALL and not miss it).
But now that I am 4 months in, I’m okay.
Will I race next year? Don’t know.
But if I don’t, it’s okay. Racing does not define who I am as a runner.
That was my internal struggle. That is what I had to come to terms with. I don’t HAVE to race to call myself a runner.
Racing is a such a personal thing. I loved racing to see where I could push myself physically and mentally.
Once it becomes about other things, it’s no longer fun.
So, for now, I am going to continue to enjoy my running on the track, road, and on the trails.
Never thought I would hear that as a result from my blood work.
Google Search Image
I didn’t have the insomnia issue, quite the opposite in fact. I have been experiencing hair loss, but I have psoriasis on my scalp (and more recently in my ears), so I am used to some hair loss. I have depression, but I didn’t feel hopeless or feel like I WANTED to stay in bed all day. I was just SO TIRED. Sleeping for 10 hours was doing nothing. I still wanted to sleep. *Sigh*
I am so very thankful for my BRF Kara. She got me through my 18km run last weekend. We are a kickass team when we run together 🙂
My BRF and I after that super tired 18kms.
When I was at the doctor’s office I was shocked that this was my result. I asked him if this could cause the extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping. He said yes.
He advised me to start Vitamin D3 supplements, 2000IU per day. I should start feeling an improvement in a couple of weeks, and hopefully feel completely better in a month.
I was relieved to be sure. I had myself thinking it was something awful. Overthinking is my specialty 😉
Pretty sure I’ve been a hot mess all week. I have been so tired I’ve wanted to cry, and I almost have on quite a few occasions.
Now, to reset and be thankful. I’ll be fine to complete training and run my half in May!!
You have options for the runny nose: either take Kleenex with you, or you use sleeves or gloves. You can blow a snot rocket, but let’s face it, how well does THAT turn out?
The Yanky is the hanky you yank, made in New Brunswick (Mama’s home province), and now comes in an assortment of colours.
I took my Yanky out on a Sunday long run (10k). I snapped it on my Under Armour hoodie pocket.
Clipped on my hoodie pocket. Ready to roll!
I have used other products to get sweat off my face or blow my nose into, but they all involved my hand. What I love about the Yanky is that it clips onto a hoodie or your pants and you don’t have to hold onto it! The material is soft and absorbent. I blew my nose a few times on my run and just being able to yank, blow, and release was FANTASTIC. No more worrying about failed snot rockets. No more lugging Kleenex in my water belt.
It’s also great for my sweaty face when I am on the track or treadmill. Yank, wipe, release. Done.
Another great thing, I can unclip it and throw it in the washer. Win! It washes like a dream.
If you’re looking for something to wipe away sweat or snot and not worry about carrying around something in your belt or in your hand, I highly recommend The Yanky*.
This week has been a full one of ups and downs, crappy sleep and some high level anxiety with a dose of blech.
One happy thing that happened to me since we last sat around the bloggy campfire: I am now a Nuun Ambassador for 2017!!
I used Nuun as my electrolyte drink of choice last year. There is always a tube (or two) of these electrolyte tablets in my bag. I have used a lot of alternatives in the past, and this has been the only drink that doesn’t cause GI issues for me. When the opportunity came up to apply I jumped on it!! So happy to have been chosen this year for #TeamNuun 🙂 (Also: Watermelon may be my new favourite flavour. Stay tuned as I have yet to try my Boost Lemon Lime, hahaha.)
In other news:
This week sucked hard when it came to sleep. It wasn’t until Thursday night that I actually had a full 8 hours. Wednesday night I was up and down with anxiety, only getting about 4 hours. Sleep is important for me, especially with mental illness. When it comes to training, sleep is one of the biggest things I try to keep as steady as I can. When I do, things are relatively easier to deal with. Also, I’m happier when I sleep well, lol.
A tad snowy on my way home from the track today!
I am getting close to the start of half marathon training. Yesterday and today have been very good days. I did upper body strength training on Saturday and was able to get 6.9kms in today with my BRF on the track at the Canada Games Centre.
Look at those sexy compression socks 😉
I am hoping to keep this good momentum going this week, but I realize that life will have it’s own ideas and I may need to readjust to make things work.
As long as I sleep well, things should be okay!
Here’s to a week of good sleep and good kilometres 🙂
Began 2017 on the right foot. Let’s hope I don’t injure anything, lol.
Okay,
So over the holidays I decided that I seriously needed to keep moving this year. Not just for my physical health, but for my mental health. I sat and muddled about a fall half marathon. I wanted something close to home (because I am without my own vehicle, and would need to acquire one for long distance travel) and fun.
I did the Tartan Twosome there last year (5ks) and really enjoyed the atmosphere and all the goodies offered post race. Also, the views in Eastern Passage are amazing!
Also, I purchased a Believe Journal over the holidays. SUPER EXCITED.
Plan Amy, plan.
I am ramping up to start training for the BlueNose Half Marathon shortly and have been writing in my journal daily. I should be receiving my plan soon and am looking forward to getting back on the training train 😉
You said Brain Melts?
Oh yes, brain melts.
Once I had registered and started to plan out my races, I had a brain melt.
Then panic.
What had I done?!?!?
I am usually a one big race and then all the smaller distances to keep me moving.
I did not get the kms in that I wanted my first week and by the weekend, it caught up with me: work, life, running, KERSMASH.
I had an anxiety moment. A brain melting, bugs crawling on my skin, flight (not fight), moment.
I’m good now, but it was yuck.
And now, let’s talk about the FitBit.
I Thought You Divorced Your FitBit?
I did.
We recently made up, for now. I put my step goal down to 8,000 and joined a challenge.
Results from first full week: I can’t do challenges. It still ramps up my brain and makes me super anxious.
But I decided to still wear it. If anything I can see my sleep patterns and make sure I do get up and move around (she says as she sits and types, lol).
It gives me some motivation to be active, and see lovely sights such as this on my lunch hour:
Halifax Waterfront
That is what’s been happening here in the land of Amy so far in 2017. Come back around soon, as we get ready to document the Odyssey that is my life and how I am going to manage 2 Half Marathons and my brain!
I decided a year or so ago that I would not do resolutions. It’s just not me. It sets me up to self sabotage my well thought out plans.
This month has been hard mentally. Deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of was a big thing. Like taking out my mental garbage. It’s surprising how much we can hold onto. Some of it drags us down and some lifts us up. This week I have been trying to take out my mental garbage. That has not been an easy task. I’m doing it. I. Am. Doing. It.
I am also thinking about the year ahead and what I want to do when it comes to running. I won my registration to the BlueNose Marathon this year and I will be gearing up for the half marathon again. My desire is that I finish it in under 2 hours 10 minutes, as that is my current personal best.
I’d like to do a fall half marathon as well. This means I REALLY need to train and run smart in 2017. It also means I have to take care of myself mentally as well. Not being on top of my illness and letting it take over my body can throw a big wrench into my plans. Depression can shut your body down. If you don’t pay attention it will show up as aches, pains and then injury. Total body shut down means it hurts to move all the time: getting out of bed, walking down the stairs, breathing, etc. Not good.
I have started weight lifting again (as I type this I have some major DOMS going on in my upper body, and the typing struggle is real, hahaha) and will make an effort to schedule in my yoga daily. I bought new gloves for weights, a yoga strap (I had been using an old scarf), and a block (again, using something other than a block, read: my travel foam roller) today to keep me in the groove.
I am hoping that I can keep this train rolling into 2017 and focus on good food as fuel, proper hydration, and a smart plan when it comes to training.
I will be thoroughly documenting my ups and downs this year. My trials and tribulations 😉 Weekly posts will give you an idea where my body and brain are, I promise!
My train derailed early last year, and I plan to keep it on the rails for 2017.
I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season so far, and I wish you all the best for the New Year! xo
The Midlife Reframe 