The Midlife Reframe

Category: badday

  • The Post Where We Catch Up!

    Because I’ve Been Busy…

    Busy at my 9-5ing. 
    Busy with family stuff.
    Busy helping TeenThing start her road to running 🙂

    Mom and TeenThing on her 2nd run!
    These feet were made for runnin’!

    Busy figuring everything out.
    I am on vacation this week and have spent the first part of this week keeping myself busy with appointments and crocheting (my sanity saver) and today I am taking time to rebuild home base.
    When you are sick with a mental illness, sometimes you need to sit back and reassess your coping skills.  Sometimes you develop habits that you think are your coping skills, but they’re not.  Mostly they are distractions.
    It’s hard to keep focused when the switch is flipped.  The one track mind that takes over is hard to derail.  It has a voice of it’s own.  An agenda of it’s own.
    Funny thing is, I know it’s happening.
    I can feel the cocoon that starts to wrap around me when my stress level rises. I fidget.  I need to do something with my hands…and not necessarily the task at hand.  I need to find an escape.  Something I can lose myself in.  Thankfully it isn’t drugs or alcohol.  It’s just plain old “what else can I be doing that isn’t what I really should be doing?”.  There are times I can pull back, and times that I can’t.

    But, you’re running.  Isn’t that helping?

    Yes.  Until I strained my calf.
    The intense NEED to run away from my stress, my illness……it was overwhelming.  I ran too much too fast.
    So much for running smart!  FACE PALM.
    *sigh*
    One of the good things about running with TeenThing is that she is keeping my pace and kilometres low.  This is allowing my calf to heal and is giving TeenThing a good start to this sport.  I love running with her.  She is doing great and knows when she can push herself and when she needs a break.

    Doesn’t all this unorganized chaos inside your head make it hard to keep moving forward?

    You are damn right it does.
    Some days I just want to sit down and cry, because I can’t get things straight.
    Some days my coping skills don’t help.  These are the days I want to escape.  But I can’t.  So I have to ride the roller coaster the best way I know how.  These are my hardest days.  Days that make me feel like I am treading water and someone has a hold of my feet. The days I do and say everything wrong.  The days that people look at me like “What the hell?”.  The days I can’t say “It is not a good day for me.”   Why can’t I say it?  Because people will see THAT always.  Not the focused, driven, has her shit together me.  They will always remember the chaotic, flustered, brain dead me.  The girl at the mall, or a store, that is trying desperately to GET OUT.  The thoughts, the people, the noise, all competing for space.  Space I do not have in my head.  Space that is taken up by all the negative energy that my mental illness manifests when I am not winning the daily fight.
    Days that I am not myself.
    Even with all of the talking, all of the wonderful people coming out and sharing their stories about their struggles, all of the focus on mental health, the campaigns, the awareness, there is still a stigma.  People that will still look at me different, not want to “upset” me.
    I don’t always feel comfortable saying I am having a bad day.  People hear “bad day” and associate it with “uh oh, is she having a breakdown?”.
    There is still so much more that needs to be done.  In the community, in the workplace, within media. More Mental Health First Aid needs to be rolled out.

    Why?  Can’t you just take meds or meditate?

    Sometimes meds just keep our heads above water.  They numb our feelings.  We need help on our bad days.  Not necessarily “hospital” help.  Just someone to say “Okay, let’s head out for a few minutes, grab a coffee, and tell me how you REALLY are.  Maybe we can figure something out.  Get you back on track.”  
    Sometimes this is all that is needed.
    I know we are all busy these days.  Deadlines, appointments, etc.  But sometimes, that 5-15 minutes can help someone.  Make them feel that they matter.  Make them feel that they are not going down the rabbit hole alone.  That there is someone there that cares.  Someone that sees what is underneath the chaos.  That will not focus on the “remember when you (insert a bad day here)”.
    NOTE: You can’t “fix” us.  We are the captain of this crazy train.  We know where the brakes are.  We just need to be guided.  We need to refocus.

    We are all human.

    We all have bad days.
    We all want to escape.
    We all want to be seen for who we really are.  Not what we “have”.
    So for now, I will rebuild home base.
    Run with TeenThing to build up our kilometre base.
    Set up future running dates with my BRF, because I miss her.
    Keep sharing my experiences when I can.  Keep the conversation going.
    Not all mental illness is “scary”.  
    A lot of us are just lost, confused, and need a hand to come out of the fog to lead us home.
    Don’t be afraid to be that hand.
    #crazymamaruns
     

     

     

  • #ProjectAmy and #FightForHappy

    Sometimes I have great ideas…

    But I don’t follow through.  I’ve been caught up in so much lately that I’ve dropped the ball on myself.

    Part of the problem with depression/anxiety is you have so many great ideas, but when you go to carry them out, the “doubt voice” pops up.  It can be pretty darn convincing.

    “Why can’t you just DO IT?”

    If I could turn that voice off I would.  Unless you suffer from mental illness it is hard to explain to someone.  I WANT to do all my great ideas. Sometimes I can get started, but the inner doubt voice catches up to you.

    “It’s just an excuse…”

    No – it’s not.  It’s an illness.  Like every other illness you have good and bad times.  When I am overwhelmed, it gets worse.  It’s like sitting at the bottom of the well, knowing that you can get out because the rope and bucket is sitting right there.  You just can’t grab it. 

    “Just ask for help!”

    Well, I do. But sometimes I don’t know how to phrase it.  Or I am afraid that it will overwhelm me even more, so I don’t ask.  It’s a double-edged sword.

    What the heck is #ProjectAmy?

    Well, #ProjectAmy was started today, by my Greg, who was trying to help me earlier when I became extremely overwhelmed.  I cried all over the phone.  

    He is my rock, especially when I do break down.  He can turn it around for me and lead me in the right direction.  Baby steps he told me today.  Start with one thing.

    So tonight is food prep and tomorrow morning is gym bag packing.  I always forget to take care of myself, even when I am feeling good.  I worry about everything and everyone else.  

    That’s not a bad thing per se, but when I forget about me….well I’m no good to anyone if I am not at my best.

    #ProjectAmy is about renewal and recovery.  

    I have my Mantra: I Am Open.

    I need to keep on track until the knee scope. I need to move for me at least once a day.  I need some #Earthathon kms.

    So my friends.  I need your help.  

    I need you to make sure I am doing at least one thing for myself every day.  If you follow me on Twitter and do not see #ProjectAmy, kick me in the butt and give me a challenge (i.e. plank, situps, etc.).  

    Ask me if I have meditated, taken a few minutes to just sit and be aware.  

    Keep sending me FitBit challenges and annoy the crap out of me until February 18th! (Surgery Day!).

    After that, I will just need help with my sanity until I am cleared to weight bear, lol.

    #ProjectAmy and the continued #FightforHappy are on.

     

            

  • Working it out…..

    The whole “not running” thing

    I know it’s not FOREVER, but the thought of not even having my surgery for another 6 months is very disheartening.  But that is how free health care works.  Unless I get worse, I wait.

    Can I do other things?  Yes.

    Problem being, it will become a robotic motion.  Working out will become about counting reps and coming up with something that will spark my interest.

    Biggest problem, it was my job when I was first diagnosed with depression.  I was a zombie – not remembering what exercise was next, not counting reps.  It was a whole bunch of bad.

    It’s hard to separate the event from the time in my life.

    Running was my way to reconnect.  To run was to be free.  To decompress.

    Is yoga good?  Yes, I love yoga.  Yoga does help me reconnect. It helps me sleep.

    Am I drowning in my own pity party?  Most would think so.

    But for me, I can’t just turn it off.  Then I get angry.

    Angry that I feel like this.  Angry at those who love me for suggesting other options.  Options I know, but don’t want to hear right now.

    Then – Stubborn Amy rises and says all the things she will do after the knee is operated on – because depression/anxiety = irritation and defensive.

    So, I am pulling out my old workout cards

    Hoping that there are some workouts that spark my interest.  Workouts I can do at home.  Doing them at home is safe for me right now.

    Having a piece of bone/cartilage floating around makes your stability difficult.  If I am home and fall, I can adjust and move on – there is no one around me.

    Do you find that weird?  It may be to the regular gym going person.

    I just don’t want to talk about it I guess.  I am afraid that if I go somewhere and have my knee give out or lock, someone will try to help me.  Then I will get mad, not at them, but at my knee.  Then they may wear my anger.

    I don’t want anyone to wear my anger.

    It’s the reason why I get quiet, or change the subject.

    I’m not mad at anyone.

    I’m mad at the situation.

    I’m mad at my knee.

    I just keep reminding myself….better days are coming.  Even when I don’t feel like they are.

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • Something Serious…

    I’ve talked about it before.

    This whole issue surrounding mental illness and it’s stigma.

    I told my story in a previous post (the short and sweet version) but still I hear of so may of those suffering and who are pushed aside.

    These aren’t celebrities.  These are your everyday people.  Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, lawyers, doctors, police officers, men and women who serve our country, and I could go on.

    To belittle a mental illness takes us back to the days where they would not bury mentally ill people in the church yard because they had “demons”.

    This illness is real.  To ask for help is hard.  To accept you are ill with something no one can “see” is harder.

    When someone shares the fact that they have mental illness, they trust you.  Trust you enough to not turn away in disgust or pity.

    And even if help is given and accepted, we have setbacks.  Just like every other illness.  Sometimes treatment is a life long thing.  The battle is a daily one.

    People with mental illness need to know they matter.

    We don’t want to be treated differently.  But we do want people to understand.

    Sometimes our bad days are really bad.  To go outside and face the world too overwhelming.

    We didn’t chose this.  We didn’t ask for it.  We don’t want to “stay that way”.

    We are sick.

    We are human.

    We matter.

       

  • Total October Randomness

    Here we go!

     This is what I am doing right now….running while I can!

    I see the surgeon in 20 days.  So as long as it is not torrential downpour or hurricane force winds, I am going to try and get as much running time in as is humanly possible.

    I’m not going gangbusters mind you, but with the thought of being laid up for possibly 6-8 weeks and then recovery…well I am going to get it all in.

    Same with my yoga.  Home and at the studio.  I will practice every day!

    I want to be in great condition so I can kickass in recovery.

    The better shape I am in, the quicker my recovery time.

    And now…..other ramblings….

    So, as some of you know, I am a single mom.  This is both challenging and rewarding.  Challenging when the other parent is not involved, but rewarding because I see the awesome human I am raising on my own.  

    There have been times when I have doubted the job I am doing, just like every other parent.  Parenting is hard, period.  Even with both parents.  There are times you doubt every decision you make. 

    As parents, we are always hard on ourselves.  Harder than anyone else would be on US.  We keep our doubts and inner criticisms to ourselves.  No parent is perfect, no matter people may think or say.  We’ve all made mistakes and we learn from that.  We need to help each other out.  Give each other some pats on the back.  This is one hard gig!

    And then more randomness today because sometimes….

    I get the schlumpies.

    That’s what I call my bad days with depression.  The days I want to hibernate.  

    I find it gets worse when I don’t see the sun for more than 2 days.  

    No matter how much I run, how much I yoga, sometimes they just come along and pull the rug out from beneath me.

    Rude, yes.  I just find ways to get through them.  Whether it’s medidation, chocolate or some downtime with Netflix, I make it.  If it is really bad, I reach out, because sometimes the schlumpies leak out my eyes.

    In the end…

    I am still here.  Grateful for everything I have.  Grateful for everyone in my life.  Grateful for those who didn’t hang around.  I try to learn from every experience, good or bad.  There is a lesson in everything if you step back and look.

    Am I stubborn? Yes.  Will I make decisions that suck?  Yes.  But I get up the next day and start over.  Every day is a new beginning.  Yesterday is gone.  Put your feet on the ground and start over.

    It’s the best part, starting over.

    I’ve done it a lot.  You can too 🙂

    Sending out high fives and hugs!  We are all doing the best we can to get through this life.
     

     


  • A Deep One Today….

    I’ve skirted around it enough

    But with the loss of yet another public figure to mental illness I feel that I too should share my (shortened) story.  To let others know they are not alone, to hopefully inspire others to tell their story.

    Depression is real.

    It is not a weakness.  It is not “sadness”.

    Unless you experience a form of debilitating mental illness it is hard to explain how a person can get to the place where they can no longer hold themselves up.  It is not a selfish act, for they are not just thinking of themselves.

    Those of us with mental illness do not want to be a burden.  We do not want to be treated differently.  Sometimes we think asking for help is placing too much on those we love.  We don’t want to “drag them down” with us.  When it gets really dark, sometimes there is no light.

    As I have posted before, I was diagnosed a little over three years ago with depression (I also have it’s fraternal twin anxiety).  I had spiraled downward after switching jobs, the financial stress of doing so, and illness in my family.  Everything weighed me down like a brick.  Being a single mother and not having enough money to feed/shelter and clothe myself and my daughter was frustrating.  Having a sick father and not knowing what exactly was going on at the time was terrifying.  I could not bring myself out of what I thought was a funk.  My coping mechanisms were gone.  (I have often wondered how long I actually suffered, telling myself for years that the helpless times were “just a bad time” in my life.)

    I finally went and got help when I realized that I felt disconnected.  Like I was watching a VERY BAD MOVIE of my life.  The thought of going back into work paralyzed me.  I went to see my Dr. and when I sat down with her….I cried.  I felt absolutely hopeless.  I had no joy left in my life.

    Thankfully I have a great support system and a great Doctor.  With them, with medication, I was able to get off my knees.  I am back at the job I left prior to chasing another.  They know I am sick and they support me in any way they can.

    And I now realize….

    I am one of the lucky ones.  I finally let myself be sick with no excuses.  It’s been this long and I still struggle.  There are still days I don’t want to face the world, but with my new coping skills, I am able to do so most of the time.  I also speak out whenever I can.  Share my story whenever I can.

    So to those out there who feel like they may be slipping down the rabbit hole….it is okay to seek help.  It is okay to be sick.  You are NOT weak.  You are stronger than you realize.  It takes great courage to ask for help.  Talk to someone, anyone.  You are NOT a burden.  You are human.  You are important.  You matter.

  • Today is a Schlumpy Day

    A day where no matter what I do to make myself feel better…I still have the schlumps.

    I should have gone for a walk right now, but there are days that I just don’t have it in me.

    Like today.

    This is one of those moments that, for me, having depression/anxiety sets off some alarm bells.  Not because I think I am going to go “down the rabbit hole”, but because that is what the D/A combo does.  The panic switch is set and I can’t turn it off.

    THIS is when I miss running.  Even a bad run.  I should have gone for a walk…..BLARGH.

    If there are any of you out there that are experiencing the same thing….we all have these days.  Find an outlet…walk/run/bike/talk.  Even if you don’t want to…..take the first step.  It’ll make your day a little bit better 🙂